Chapter 1 #2
“I found a hole to hide out in and—” He swallowed thickly and shuddered. “There were other men in there—dead ones. They were strangers, but in my dream, they had the faces of people I knew. Friends, brothers…lovers.”
Maxwell glanced at Edwin, but he only nodded for him to continue. He did not let his face betray himself.
“They kept begging me to save them, and I couldn’t do anything. I just sat there, bleeding out.” He paused and brought his cigarette to his mouth again, smoke blowing away from them in the summer night breeze.
“It took hours. The fighting kept going on around me: men dying and shells exploding. Every time one went off, I held my breath, surely it would hit me and that would be it. Eventually it ended and everything went quiet, like the whole world had died. I was so sure I would die too, I kept passing out. I made my peace—or at least as close as I could to—in that hole, but then I heard people searching for survivors and I called out. A stretcher-bearer found me and carried me out. The trip out was so painful, all that jostling…” He winced at the memory.
“And then the next thing I remember is seeing your face.” He looked up at Edwin and smiled faintly. “Not a bad thing to come back from the dead to.”
Edwin hoped his pink cheeks weren’t obvious in the dim light. It hardly seemed appropriate. “That sounds truly harrowing. I am sorry you went through that, and must relive it now.”
Maxwell shrugged. “In war we all have harrowing moments. I’m sure you do too.”
The pause suggested an opportunity for Edwin to offer something up, and he felt it was only fair. He nodded. “All the lives I failed to save. All the needless suffering.”
“But you saved me, and so many others.”
Edwin smiled at him. “That is true, and I am glad for them.” The addition of and for you hung unspoken in the air between them, a space that continued to shrink.
Maxwell held his gaze with an intensity behind his half-lidded eyes. “You know, I really wanted to die in that hole. I thought going on would be too painful. But I am so glad I didn’t get what I wanted.”
Edwin wasn’t sure who moved first. For all he knew they both took the leap of faith at the same time.
What he did know is that their lips met in a tender kiss that tasted of smoke, full of wanting and pain. They stayed frozen for a moment, not wanting to break the spell, before Maxwell deepened the kiss, pulling a barely audible sound from Edwin’s throat.
Maxwell cradled his thin neck, pulling their chests flush together, and Edwin twisted his body to hold Maxwell’s waist. It took everything in him not to let his hands wander.
He wanted to commit every dip and line of Maxwell’s body to memory, but for now he cherished the warmth of his skin under his shirt.
They parted their lips and swallowed each other’s breath.
Their half-spent cigarettes lay forgotten on the ground, embers still burning…
Even as I write this well after midday during a rare moment of calm, I am still thinking of his soft lips. It is taking everything in me to act as if nothing has changed. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore his knowing, borderline smug, looks. What a mess I have made.
* * * *
11 August 1918
I have done something which I am sure isn’t entirely ethical, however I can’t bring myself to care.
I have seen too much violence and suffering to worry about a passionate moment between two men, even if one is a patient and the other their doctor.
It was in no way planned but we took advantage of the storm last night.
With the power out, there is only so much candles can do to illuminate a whole hospital.
I was finishing up with a patient. He was half-asleep while I was redressing his arm and I left him to get a few hours of sleep myself. But then Maxwell caught my eye, as he often does. He was still awake and I approached his bedside…
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Edwin asked him as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. There was nothing unusual about the gesture of casual familiarity.
“I could ask you the same thing, Dr. Keller,” Maxwell gaze flicked over him, sizing him up. “I’ve been watching you jump from patient to patient since dawn.”
“Edwin,” he corrected him.
Maxwell smiled wider. “Edwin,” he repeated. His name sounded like it belonged in Maxwell’s mouth.
“You’ve been watching me?” Edwin shifted closer. He glanced at Maxwell’s lips, remembering how they tasted.
Maxwell sat up, able to without wincing now. “It’s hard not to.” He scanned over Edwin’s form painfully slow, guaranteeing he would notice. Edwin swallowed, his body suddenly too hot. “It must be difficult, though.”
“What—What must be difficult?” Edwin managed to ask, his throat dry and scratchy.
“Your work here,” he gestured around them. “I can imagine it’s stressful.”
“It can be.” An understatement.
“It might help to find some way to…relieve yourself, so you can relax.” Maxwell slid his hand over the sheets and he placed it gingerly on Edwin’s thigh. The heat building in his body converged between his legs.
It took every thread of Edwin’s willpower not to break eye contact. “You seem to have something in mind,” he whispered.
Maxwell glanced at Edwin’s lap, his arousal obvious, and his hand drifted further up his thigh. “Looks like I’m not the only one,” he breathed huskily.
Just as Edwin leaned down, Maxwell sat up further to meet him, shifting his legs so they were hanging off the bed.
This time the kiss was far from chaste. They pressed against each other, desperate for the touch they’ve both been craving for too long.
Edwin planted his hands on Maxwell’s chest and felt up and down his body, dragging his nails over his skin and swallowing the groans he drew out.
They licked into each other’s mouths, tongues and teeth clashing, and did their best not to make any noise.
Edwin was hyper aware of the danger of being caught—in some ways it added excitement. If they were alone, they would take hours to explore and play, but now was the time to hurriedly take what they both wanted.
Maxwell dropped his hand to Edwin’s thigh and made quick work of his pants.
Edwin broke the kiss to get much needed air and let his eyelids flutter closed as Maxwell wrapped his hand around his length.
Edwin bit down hard enough on the inside of his cheek to draw blood.
Maxwell tried to lower his head but he winced at the movement, gasping in pain rather than pleasure.
Edwin opened his eyes and frowned in concern.
“Don’t strain yourself,” he whispered.
Maxwell released his grip on him. “But I still want to.” He licked his lips.