Chapter 22
CHLOE
I’ve never known what to say when someone asks me what I want from sex.
Ideally, I come, you come, and we get it out of our systems. Nothing too kinky.
I’ve had sex and some level of experience but this morning was the first time that someone asked me what I wanted and I didn’t know how to describe it.
In the same way, I don’t know what I want from life.
I don’t know what gives me pleasure. Giving instructions feels like it takes away from the urgency of it all.
That’s not sexy. I don’t think I’m bossy enough to really yell it out.
What I really want is the intimacy. I want to be held and looked at and to share that experience.
Maybe I meant what I said. I wanted you, Ben Allbright.
Just you. I’m lucky that he knew exactly what to do: how to touch me, how to make me come so hard that I was worried the corbelling wouldn’t be able to handle it.
‘Why do you look so well?’ Zara asks as we all sit poolside now, languishing after last night’s events. ‘I forget you twentysomethings are built differently. It will take me at least two working days to recover from last night.’
She flops face down on her sun lounger as I prop my journal on my knees and draw.
This is my coping mechanism to stop me sitting here twitching all afternoon, in some bizarre hypersexed state.
I’m sketching for my life here. After this morning, I came back, had a cold shower and tried my best to park it all.
My hand moves quickly across the page with an energy I can’t quite control.
I’ll have designed a whole city by dinner.
‘She’s right,’ Jess notices, peering over her sunglasses, a bowl of mango beside her. ‘You’re glowing.’
‘I think it’s the vitamin D, you know?’ I say, gulping. ‘It’s restorative.’
Restoration. Yes, if that’s what we’re calling it.
That’s a lovely safe word for a standing shag in a stone hut that made me orgasm so hard I felt it in my teeth.
I had sex, Jess. Real sex. With a man. The man who runs this place.
I can’t tell you though. I don’t want things to be awkward or for you to think I’m one of those girls who comes on holiday to just drink and shag her worries away.
I can only dissect this in my own mind. We thought he was excellent at cooking, Jess, but the man has the strength to reach under your thighs and lift you off the floor.
He has a really good muscular butt. He does this thing where he puts his face right next to yours and doesn’t say anything.
Everything is unsaid, you feel it in the warmth of his breath, the small moans he makes, the way that every so often he kisses you lightly and closes his eyes for a moment.
‘Did you get out this morning? I thought I heard something,’ Jess says.
Don’t say a word. Even though your knees went wobbly on the stairs and you keep having the most intense flashbacks of him thrusting deeply into you. ‘Maybe it was Ben going to the markets? I slept in,’ I reply.
Jess smiles and shrugs. She knows.
Could we be heard? Was there an echo in the valley?
Or does my face read fresh orgasms. Is there something on my face?
I wipe the corners of my mouth. I watch as she returns to her book and for a moment I wonder what I should do next.
I should get in the pool, cool off and reset.
I feel as though I’ve been ignited like a match.
I look around searching for Ben and I see his figure in the kitchen.
He’s marinading a chicken, rubbing olive oil, spices and herbs into the skin.
He reaches his hand into the cavity. Crikey.
I need to look away or I may explode. ‘So, what’s the deal tonight?
Miguel isn’t taking us out again, is he? ’ I ask Jess.
‘No. We asked for a night in and Ben’s obliged. We’re eating pollo al ajillo and drinking wine,’ Jess says, rubbing her hands together. ‘He’s cooking up a storm already.’
I can see. He’s taking the leaves off some sprigs of rosemary and holding the herbs to his face to smell them quickly, his shoulders rising. He moves out of sight for a moment and then I glimpse him plunging a knife into a shapely aubergine. An aubergine. Seriously, I need help.
This is too schoolgirl: a tad too needy.
I need to relax and not search him out. I feel like I’m sweating, which is understandable given the heat, but there’s a double layer of sweat glistening on my skin.
I look into the kitchen again, catching sight of Ben massaging potatoes with oil, rolling his hands over them. I blush instantly.
‘Did you know Ben isn’t gay?’ I suddenly say out loud. It’s like an inner thought escaping because I have no control over my faculties anymore.
‘Oh! How do you know?’ Jess asks.
Oh, I know. ‘Miguel said something,’ I say, knowing that I sound breathy and panicked.
Jess follows my gaze and smiles, raising an eyebrow. ‘Oh. So are you thinking of going there then?’
I want to tell her I’ve done that already.
But for now, that’s all it is. A moment of freedom, of fun.
That said, I also realise incognito holiday sex is not really my bag and maybe that’s why I’m so nervous.
I always need a plan. I don’t know Ben at all really.
Perhaps it’s the thought of having done something so out of my comfort zone that’s making me twitchy.
‘Can I ask a question? What vibe do you get off him? I’m worried he’s some holiday gigolo. You know, with the sex toys and stuff. Is he giving casual holiday sex vibes?’ I ramble, panicking.
Zara sits up on her sun lounger to listen. ‘Jess, has he tried it on with you?’ she asks.
Jess shakes her head. ‘He’s almost been the opposite. He asks me a lot about my family and sometimes even apologises if he thinks he’s been too creepy. You?’
‘Not a squeak off him. Someone that good-looking normally has an arrogant, over-confident air but I don’t get that from him at all. He’s very grounded, friendly. But then I’m old, I doubt he wants my prehistoric bits,’ she says, laughing. ‘I think he’s a good kid. Why? Does someone have a crush?’
I stick my tongue out at Zara, putting up my hands to dampen her cheekiness. I’ve known this man for three days. I will still try and be sensible Chloe about all of this.
‘No. I’m just curious. Can I ask how you met your other halves?’ I ask them, trying to change the subject.
‘I knew I wanted to marry my Mike within a month of knowing him,’ Zara says, beaming.
‘We met on a dating site. . Back in the day when online dating was far more civilised. When no one had the capacity to take pictures on their phones, so they didn’t open with a dick pic and a “hey”,’ she recalls.
‘We met in a pub by the river and there was something about him.’
‘Something?’ I ask curiously.
‘Sometimes you know. Everything feels lighter, easier, no pretence: it feels right.’
‘Dean is my high-school sweetheart.’ Jess says. ‘I’m going to blame youth and hormones but he’s my best friend. Is that sad?’
I shake my head and smile broadly. Actually, hearing this is heartening because it sounds exactly like the sort of love I want and should strive for: love that is gentle and sustaining. All this lust is making me dizzy, I can’t think straight.
‘Sorry to interrupt, ladies…’
As soon as I hear Ben’s voice a pulse goes down my spine.
‘How are we all?’ he asks.
A sensation warms my chest to hear his voice, to know he’s close. I turn very slowly to see him raising a hand to wave at me. Jess giggles and I narrow my eyes at her.
‘I’ve planned a surprise,’ he tells us. ‘Not a Miguel massage or a beach rave, it’s a bit simpler than that. I thought we all needed a moment to chill. Relax. Catch a breath.’ He seems a bit nervous. ‘Can I show you guys?’
We all stand up and follow him through the grounds to the gazebo next to the house that’s lined with fairy lights, rugs and bean-bag chairs.
It’s surrounded by candles and a sheet has been pinned up with a projector in place.
I smile when I see that he’s written a little sign that reads: VIP SECTION.
‘I thought we could watch a film out here. I’ll make some popcorn.’
We all take it in, this little magical corner he’s set up just for us, the way he looks for our approval.
Zara puts an arm around him. ‘This is good. This is very much needed.’
It’s about four o’clock now, the sun is lower in the sky.
A whole day almost gone. I look up and see that everything is still blue and clear, the air still holds the glorious, earthy scent of pine.
I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do.
Zara and Jess go over to inspect the gazebo while I linger behind, looking over to where Ben stands, his hands in the pockets of his shorts, staring down at the grass.
‘Oh hi,’ he says as I walk over to him. ‘How are you? I heard someone had a good morning.’
I stand in shock that he’s going there.
‘At the almond farm, with the nut milk,’ he explains.
I laugh and he looks mildly relieved.
‘So, what do you think?’ he asks.
‘Of?’ I ask, looking around. ‘This is beautiful, really beautiful.’
‘I have to admit, I thought it would be a nice setting for something more low-key perhaps. So we can take things slowly.’
I turn to look at him. ‘Ben, you literally had your—’
He puts his hand up so I can’t finish the sentence. But it doesn’t wipe the massive grin from his face. I’ll take it he enjoyed what happened. I did. I don’t know how to tell him this. I want to throw myself at him but I’m going to show restraint, rationality.
‘Well, I remember a lady once telling me she hadn’t seen a film in a while, so I thought I’d put on a screening tonight—’
‘Of?’
‘Toy Story, right? To infinity and all that jazz?’
I laugh, grinning that he remembered that detail, that he’s used it to make me laugh, to create this whole romantic setup. I wonder why someone would do that and I have to remember how to breathe.