Chapter 10
Ash
This was bad.
This was the most not in control I'd ever felt…and I liked it?
It was hard enough to get my brain to focus long enough to answer a stupid question right now, but to do mental gymnastics about why this felt good?
That was asking too much of me.
All I knew was how weirdly vulnerable I felt walking out of that shower tonight, only to get slapped with a wave of feelings I didn’t like, watching Thayer massage Carp. I didn’t like seeing those hands on him–those hands made me groan like that, not Carp.
It was a weird amount of anger in my chest, and I had no interest in talking that out with Thayer…at least not twenty minutes ago.
Now?
I wasn’t sure how I'd react to Thayer leaving me alone–the very thing I was asking of him just a few minutes ago.
“Okay,” Thayer rumbled, nodding slowly and deepening the massage on my neck a little. “I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen. Understand?”
Nodding weakly, I let out a pathetic groan at another painful flex in my dick.
I didn’t have the brain capacity to rationalize why I was so hard right now–all I knew was it was brutal. It was demanding attention, and I was pretty sure I could feel it leaking every time his gravely voice reached the right octave.
“I was just helping Carp–”
I let out a dramatic groan, frustrated already–he was killing the good feelings in me right now.
“Stop it,” he said firmly, using his other hand to take hold of my chin. “You’re acting jealous and possessive–I’m trying to make you feel better, Ash,” he said sharply, each word like ice on my skin as he let go of my face again.
“I was just helping Carp,” he started again, taking a beat like he was waiting to see if I'd react again.
I didn’t.
“I was only doing it to give you space,” he continued gently, stroking my neck again softly, comfortingly. “I was making myself busy so you didn’t feel crowded–I know doing this in public had to be jarring for you–”
“You knew?” I managed to croak out, swallowing hard on a dry throat. “You knew I…”
Liked it?
Got hard from it?
Wanted it again?
My mouth stopped working before any of those questions could come out.
“Yes,” he sighed, pinching my neck to make me look at him again. “I suspected, at least. I knew your reaction would be this if you liked it…and I’m sorry, Ash. I shouldn't have done it at all, but definitely not in public.”
Too late for that.
Honestly?
I wished I cared more about the embarrassment of it all. I wished my biggest issue was that I had to get rid of a boner before my teammates saw–I was harder pressed on the fact that I wanted it again.
I could deal with the embarrassment of it all, but wanting this again?
That was hard on me.
Wanting it specifically from Thayer?
That was even harder on me.
Even if it wasn’t completely sexual, it was. No matter how you cut this, what I wanted from Thayer was sexual in nature.
As if the raging hard-on in my pants wasn’t making that obvious.
“Am I gay?” My mouth was only barely working, so even if that wasn’t really the question I wanted to ask, I had faith Thayer would get there on his own.
Thayer let out a chuckle, deep and rumbly, traveling right through my body and settling in the pit of unknown feelings for him in my gut.
I was amusing to him, and that was fine–I could be amusing…so long as I could be amusing while getting off.
God, jerking off after he left was going to feel so fucking amazing.
“I can’t answer that, Ash,” he mused, loosening his hold on my neck to just barely there. “You can be turned on by all this without being gay–there are plenty of men who like being dominated by women–”
I let out a ridiculous groan again, already turned off by the idea of Callie doing this to me.
Not that she’d spoken to me in weeks, but still.
No, this was only hot when it was Thayer. It wasn’t even hot thinking about Carp doing it or Tommy–it was exclusive to Thayer.
I started shaking my head and groaning, making him laugh again–the velvety, warm sound I liked so much right now. I was hyper-aware of things I'd never noticed before right now–the sounds he made, the curve of his smile, the tease of his tongue when he'd lick his lips.
Fuck–I was so hard.
“Never mind,” he chuckled, pinching my neck gently until I refocused on him–stopped groaning. “Still, there are tons of things you can be aside from gay. Here, is that,” he hummed, nudging his head down at my waist, “for me or just because you like this?”
“Both,” I breathed, my vision tunneling on Thayer in a way that was almost disorienting…as if this whole thing weren’t disorienting.
Thayer seemed surprised, his eyebrows shooting up and his breathing catching for a second. He was sure I was going to deny it, but I couldn’t.
It made no sense to even me, but I was into him. I had no idea what that meant for me or for us or whatever, but all of this was for him, not just what he was doing for me.
“I’m going to let go–”
“No!” I forced out, finally finding something in my arm to reach up and cover his hand–to stop him from letting go.
I wasn’t ready.
“Hey,” he whispered, taking hold of my chin again to stop my tantrum. “I have to, okay? I know you like it–I like it, too…I just need some answers from you–if you still want it when we’re done, then…we’ll see.”
My hold on his hand was unrelenting, especially after his less-than-promising answer. I didn’t want this to stop–I didn't like how I felt after.
In the shower, walking out–I didn't like any of it. I liked this so much, but after?
That was painful and vulnerable, and I refused to feel that again–at least not yet.
“Ash,” he said softly, letting go of my chin and covering my hand with his to work it open. “I’m not going anywhere–I promise. I just need you to talk to me.”
“I’ll talk,” I whined, dropping my hand from his, but only so I could hold onto his knee. “Please,” I barely whispered, leaning forward to rest my head on his chest.
“Ash,” he sighed, covering the back of my head with his other hand, comforting and firm. “I just really want to touch you, and I need an actual yes from you–not loopy-you.”
That was it?
I was too out of it to consent to him?
I was about two minutes away from humping his leg, and he was worried about me not really meaning my yes?
Fuck.
There was no way I could tell him that my yes was a resounding fuck yes, especially not right now. I could think it all I wanted, but my mouth was bound to sentences made up of four words or fewer, and only if they were easy words.
Consciously, I was here. I was curious and confused and present, but physically, I was pretty out of it. It honestly just felt so good that I was floating in it all, but I was aware of what I’d be saying yes to.
I’d be saying yes to a man touching me–my coach.
I’d be saying yes to him and the power imbalance and the fucked-upness of it all…and it was still a pretty loud yes.
My mouth wouldn’t make the words, so I did what I could–if he was worried about touching me, then I’d do it myself. I found life in my other arm, lazily dropping it to my lap and forming my hand around the outline of my dick.
And nothing could have prepared me for that–fuck.
My eyes rolled back, and a hoarse groan forced its way out of my mouth. I was just trying to show him I was into it, but I was too into it–my nerves were on fucking fire.
Every stroke of my hand felt like the sweetest relief I’d ever known. I knew I was hard and that I wanted this, but I didn’t even know I could be this turned on–my hand over my pants felt better than any mouth or pussy I’d ever had.
“Ash,” Thayer said sternly, pinching my neck and picking my head up to look at him. “Stop it.”
My hand was unrelenting, jerking me off through my pants like it was the best thing. All the blood in my head rushed to my cock, making me lightheaded and happy and just so into it that I couldn't stop, even with Thayer's sexy voice telling me to.
“Ash!” he said sharply, taking hold of my wrist and pulling it away, making me let out a pathetic cry for him.
“Please, please, please,” I breathed, panting and jutting my hips at him to just touch me–finish me. “Please,” I cried a little louder, fighting his hold on me more.
“Stop,” he said firmly, releasing my neck to cover my mouth. His eyes were wide and flaring…angry. “You stop when I tell you to. Understand?”
The defiant part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off, but even with his hand removed from my neck, I felt the same controlling hold on me, only with his eyes this time.
I nodded slowly, stuttering…and not daring to move my hands when he released them.
“Good.” He let out a slow breath, shaking his head softly before checking his watch. “It’s late, Ash. You need to get in bed.” I let out a protesting whine, muffled by his hand and stopped by his hard gaze.
“Don’t start. I’m going to let go of you, and you’re going to get into bed. You’re not going to touch yourself–you're going to go to sleep.”
“But,” I managed, muffled by his hand before he dropped it for me. “It hurts.”
“I know, baby,” he whispered, sending something warm and tingly through my spine. “But if you listen–do as you're told…maybe when we get home, I’ll reward you for it.”
Never in my life had I been a fan of the reward system when it came to sex–it seemed dumb. Why not get me off right now and then again when we got home–that seemed like way more fun.
The strange thing about Thayer?
He made everything sound like the best idea.