Chapter 12
Ash
Thayer lived in an apartment off campus. I knew this because when I got back to my dorm the next afternoon, I had a text waiting from Thayer.
His address.
In the light of day, it was easier to see why this was such a bad idea. It was bad for him, but it was bad for me, too–I knew that. I knew the risks and the assumptions people would make if they ever found out…
But nothing had ever felt better than last night–not even winning the Frozen Four my freshman year.
That used to be my scale, but last night blew it out of the water. Frozen Four settled the professional need in me, but Thayer settled the deeper need.
The need that I always felt gnawing at me, but chose to ignore.
The need that was bored with sex two days ago, but was alive with want today.
Maybe it was just discovering this new thing I liked, or maybe it was working out my sexuality–I didn't care. I wanted Thayer bad today, and it was that want that had me outside his door, but not knocking.
Why wasn’t I knocking?
An ugly, curdled feeling in my stomach turned, unsettling my whole body at once. I didn't like the feeling…
But I knew it well.
I liked Thayer.
I liked talking to him, and I liked being around him–it was the same feeling I used to get around Callie, only times a hundred. I never felt half of what I was feeling for Thayer for someone else…and that really didn't sit well with me.
This was bad enough without my childish feelings getting mixed in.
Still, I wanted this.
I knew I wanted this, and even if it killed me later, I was going to die a satisfied man.
My hand finally knocked, echoing a lot louder than I thought it would. I had a moment of what was almost regret, but I realized quickly it was fear.
Fear of rejection–fear of getting hurt–fear of learning something new about myself.
The door swung open, and Thayer filled the gap, all six-foot-four-brunette-gorgeous of him. I’d never really thought a man could be gorgeous, but Thayer was rewiring part of my brain day by day.
All I needed to know was that I definitely found him attractive now. I spent a little too long looking at his muscles in the weight room and now had a deep familiarity with his eyes, dark and warm.
Just for me.
“Come in,” he hummed, stepping out of the way for me almost uncomfortably. He shut the door behind me, half-chuckling as I took off my shoes–I wasn't raised in a barn.
“I don’t mind shoes in the house.”
“My mom spent too many years drilling it into my head for me to stop now,” I mumbled. “Nice place.”
“I’ve had nicer, but thank you,” he sighed, nudging his head for me to follow him deeper into the apartment, into the living room.
He seemed uncomfortable, keeping a distance from me and flexing his fists as if it was a comfort for him as he sat on the couch with me.
“We should talk first.”
This guy and talking…
“I did what you said,” I answered, stiffening my spine at how painfully uncomfortable I suddenly was. “Didn’t…you know–I listened.”
“Good,” he hummed, smiling softly at me. “That’s good, Ash, but that’s not what I want to talk about…we need boundaries. We need rules and to understand what’s happening here–fully.”
“And I do!” I said suddenly, almost defiantly. “I understand it, Thayer–I do. I’m not some kid–I know how bad a situation this is, and I know how bad it would be for you if it ever got out–”
“When,” he said firmly, tentatively moving a few inches closer to me.
“When it gets out… You don’t know everything, Ash.
I know you’re an adult and you chose to come here, so I know you’ve thought about it, but…
I care about you. I understand that this is new for you and you’re just satisfying a curiosity in me–that’s fine if that’s all it is, but I want us to be on the same page about it. ”
My mouth opened and shut a few times, clearly thinking it had words that my brain hadn't found yet.
I was nervous going into this already, but we were having a feelings talk right away? I wasn’t against the feelings talk, but I had a pretty mean ache in my pants that I was eager for him to solve.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, shrugging a little bit and feeling more like the kid I just swore I wasn’t. “I like you… I like talking to you and being around you–I obviously have some stuff I’m figuring out, but… I mean, if you’re asking if I have feelings for you.”
“Then yeah– I do.”
“Okay,” he said, smiling more than I'd seen in a while from him. “I wasn’t asking that–I was just telling you that I did. I wanted you to have all the information going into this, but we can do the rest of this talk later, if you want.”
“Now you're talking,” I hummed, scooting a little closer to him. I bowed my head to him, a little too excitedly, only to earn a soft chuckle and no hand from him on my neck. “What’s so funny?”
“Ash, that's,” he chuckled, finding far too much amusement in my confused face. “I don’t have to do that all the time–that’s just to reel you back in when you're acting out–”
“But I liked it–”
“You liked the control of it,” he clarified, holding up a hand to my face for a second. “You liked giving up control to me and being guided, but I have many different ways of making you feel that.”
His hand closed around my chin, softly but firmly, tilting my face to meet his.
I didn’t feel it as strongly, but I felt what he was talking about–the power I was giving up when he did this and the relief in my chest from just being guided–cared for.
It was care.
“You want this, Ash?” he whispered, breathy and hot on my face. I nodded, a little too excitedly. “Choose it. Kiss me.”
I hesitated for just a second before pushing past his hold and closing the small gap between our faces. My lips crashed into his, warm and inviting, already more exciting than any lips I'd kissed, ever.
Thayer dropped his hand from my chin to my neck, massaging his thumb into my pulse and making me lightheaded again. I was already a mess of breaths and groans for him, digging my fingers into any part of him I could get my hands on as he kissed down my throat.
It was intoxicating.
Just as I moved to take over, he took hold of my hips, pulling me into his lap and lifting me with him when he stood. He carried me into his room, kneeling on his bed, and hovering over me as he laid me down.
It was soft and sweet–it was caring. He was as turned on as I was–I could see that in his shorts, but he was controlled and collected, kissing down my chest as he pushed up my shirt.
In an effort to help, I sat up and pulled my shirt off, tossing it to the ground, only to have Thayer's mouth back on my skin before I could even blink. His mouth worked over my chest, taking my nipple between his teeth and toying with it, making me hiss and arch my back at the same time.
Thayer kept a hand on my other pec, massaging and playing with my other nipple while he kissed down my stomach. I’d never paid much mind to my nipples before, but he was making them feel like the biggest missed opportunities with how much I loved him playing with them.
There was a moment of hesitation for him when he reached my waistband. I could see it in his eyes, and I understood it, but I was still entirely grateful when he moved on, pulling my sweatpants off me as the last barrier.
“Oh, fuck,” Thayer whispered, groaning as he rested his forehead on my thigh for a second. “How curious are you, Ash?” he finally asked, his eyes laser-focused on me, but his hand caressing my chest–admiring it.
“I-I don’t,” I stuttered, squeezing my eyes shut to find a semblance of sense here to answer him. “I don't know how to…answer that. I want it–please.”
Thayer let out a groan as he watched my dick bob, flexing in need towards him. I needed some kind of relief soon, and based on how different Thayer seemed today, he probably did, too.
“Just,” he sighed, coming up to kiss my lips quickly. “Tell me if you don't like something, okay? Say no or pat my head three times.” He took my hand, moving it to his soft hair like he was showing me where to pat.
“Okay,” I panted, moving my hand to the back of his head to keep him there for just a second.
I couldn't really explain it–I really wanted him to keep going, but I liked that second of comfort I got from having him that close, so I kissed him one more time.
And it wasn’t weird.
I was aware I was kissing a man and also begging that man to touch me–it wasn’t weird like I thought it would be.
Maybe it just wasn’t weird because it was Thayer.
Thayer moved back down again, kissing all around my pelvic bone before placing a slow, wet kiss to my sensitive tip. I didn't even recognize the cry that came out of my mouth, but it wasn’t lonely–several more came flowing out with it as he peppered kisses along my shaft and balls.
It needed to be touched badly last night, but this was so worth the wait. Every small touch from him felt like ecstasy coursing through my veins and settling deep at the base of my spine. I was so unprepared for him taking me in his mouth, but the more he took, the louder I got.
My eyes cracked open when I felt my tip hit his throat, gluing to his face, and the way his eyes were rolled back like…he loved this.
I’d never seen someone actually like doing this, but Thayer sure did–moving his head in a rhythm that was perfect and groaning around me like he was getting off on it.
“Oh, please don’t make me cum yet,” I moaned frantically, lying back fully again in defeat.
It was somehow both painful and relieving to have him release me, replacing his mouth with a firm grip around the base.
“I can drag it out as long as you want, baby,” he huffed roughly, tonguing one of my balls into his mouth like it was nothing.
Like he wasn't killing me.
Thayer placed a hand on my thigh, moving it to prop my foot up on the bed next to his head. He released my dick and did the same with my other leg, sloppily tonguing and kissing my balls when he was done.
It was oddly relaxing while also being just barely not enough to get me off. I noticed his mouth moving lower, and it felt a little strange, but not to the point that I was going to tell him to stop.
The moment his tongue found my hole, I got tense.
I knew this was like part of the whole gay thing, but I'd never once been interested in trying it. I figured, if I were gay, then I was probably a top, but I needed to at least see this through.
Thayer wouldn’t do something I didn’t like, so I was either going to not like this, and he’d stop…
Or I was about to like this.
My breathing slowed as he massaged the muscle with his tongue. I could feel a finger probing, trying to push past it, but gently. It felt awkward and weird–I wasn't into it, and I almost stopped him.
Almost.
Thayer got a full finger worked into me, and it was weird…
Until it wasn’t.
He found something deep inside me that purred when he touched it. My eyes rolled back, and my breathing stopped, my dick aching for something again–leaking and crying for his touch again.
My brain was fried.
I was panting, and my body was contorting, chasing more than just the little brushes I was getting from his fingertip. It was frustrating and exhausting–I was crying out to Thayer to touch me and make it better, but he just stayed steady.
“P-please,” I tried to cry, but all that came out was broken sobs of the word. I didn’t even know what I was asking for, but it didn’t matter–Thayer didn’t waver.
It was just barely not enough, but it built.
It built inside of me, and as frustrating as it was, it fucking melted my brain when it finally boiled over. I let out a loud cry, sobbing into nothing as the pressure finally built so high it broke.
My whole body released at once, settling like dead weight while my brain floated. It was intense and exhausting–my dick felt dead by the time I was coming back down, a mess of needy whines and pants.
Thayer was over me again, crowding me exactly how I didn't know I needed–settling me. He was warm and comforting on top of me, even when something wet and rough irritated the skin of my stomach–he kissed the irritation away and stayed close.
Whatever just happened to me…I loved.