Chapter 15
Revna
The soft drumbeat of a heart sounded in my mind. “There.” I pointed into the woods, following the thread leading to the heartbeat’s owner—a small creature, based on the speed. Maybe a rabbit or a squirrel.
The thread pulled slightly in my chest, and I watched the opposite end shoot upward to the top of a pine tree. I adjusted my pointing finger to follow it. Definitely a squirrel.
A brief silence, while S?ren checked the validity of my find. He finally nodded. “First question of the day is yours, then.”
I chewed my lip and considered what to ask him. Once again, I found myself lingering on the question of Sonja. I felt connected to her somehow. Her life came at the expense of Frode’s, and while I had no intention of ever forgiving S?ren for his choice, it made me curious about their relationship.
“Tell me more about Sonja. Do you know where she is now?”
S?ren stiffened behind me. We rode farther than I expected to before he finally answered.
“Sonja is…well, the way all older sisters are, I assume. She spent most of our childhoods annoying me while trying to look out for both of us. We became adults long before any child should have to, and it took its toll on her. But the thing I remember most is how much of a comfort her Lurae was to both of us when we were trying to make a new home in an unfamiliar palace.”
I realized I didn’t know—“What is her Lurae?”
He didn’t comment about it being an extra question. “She can make anything grow. Any flower blooms, any seed sprouts, any withering plant rejuvenates in her presence. Her room at the palace was filled entirely with green.”
Was that a smile in his voice? I wished there was some way to turn around and surreptitiously glance at him. Smirking came more naturally to S?ren in this scholar role, but I missed the genuine joy that took over his entire being sometimes.
No, you don’t miss anything about him, I told myself, attempting sternness.
“She absolutely despised Volkan,” S?ren chuckled, oblivious to my internal monologue. “I think because she thought he had it easy. Which you and I know isn’t true. But he’s so happy all the time, and it grated on Sonja.”
“Can I ask what exactly…happened to her?” I ventured.
“When we were in the prison together, you told me the queen threatened to torture Sonja if you stepped out of line. That she knows Sonja’s location and that’s how she threatens her, even though Sonja isn’t in the palace. So where is your sister now?”
His knuckles paled where they gripped the reins.
He’d left the gloves in the saddlebag today.
“I don’t know where she is. The queen kept growing more possessive of her as the war continued, realizing I would do just about anything to keep Sonja safe.
Eventually Sonja was even put in the dungeon, behind bars, to keep me obedient.
But at some point—I don’t even truly know when, if I’m honest—she escaped. ”
“And the queen knows where she went,” I finished. “Likely has eyes on her still.”
“It’s how the queen keeps her collar around my throat,” he said. His voice was thick with anger. “I don’t even know where Sonja might have gone. I’m doing my best to rectify that, though.”
I glanced over my shoulder, curious. “You are?”
He exhaled sharply, warmth on the back of my neck. “Another heartbeat and you’ll have your answer.”
This time, hearing one came easily. In fact, I pinpointed three small wildlife at once. All without losing control. Maybe the training is working after all.
I didn’t ask a question this time. “You’re looking for your sister.”
“I am. I’ve hired someone from Kryllian to search for her. I met with him while you were at the palace, actually. He seems to have a solid lead.”
Oh. I couldn’t help but chuckle. “That’s who you snuck out to see.”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “Why were you out there that night anyway?”
I ignored the heat on my cheeks and shrugged. “I wasn’t about to stay in my rooms after Arne found out you’d been training me.”
“He had a problem with it?”
I definitely wasn’t imagining the smirk in S?ren’s voice. I rolled my eyes. “Of course he did. And apparently the others take issue with it, too.”
We lapsed into quiet silence for a few moments before another question came to me. “Why search for Sonja now?”
S?ren pulled the reins slightly, and the gray mare followed along the path.
The road was barely visible with snow covering it in a perfect, unblemished blanket.
“I don’t like what the queen is doing. And I’d prefer not to be her puppet forever.
It’s not a good feeling to have to choose between the safety of someone you love and what you know is right. ”
He let out a shaky breath and continued, “I also just…miss her. I hope to discover that she’s safe, make my apologies, and then see what kind of relationship she wants in the future.
We spent our childhoods fighting to survive in many ways, even if we weren’t on a battlefield.
We deserve a chance to discover who we are without a threat hanging over our heads at all times. ”
It was the perfect answer.
It made me want to heave my meager breakfast in the snow.
Because why did S?ren get to see his sister again, work hard to make his amends and heal their relationship, and I was alone? One day he might have a reunion with his sister. He might have the chance to tell her he was sorry.
But Frode would never hear me apologize for not stepping in front of him that day.
Erik would never roll his eyes while I told him I hoped he could be better than the hypocrite our father had made him.
And Bjorn…he’d been kind, once. Long ago. I missed the young boy who’d played games with me all day while our older siblings were too busy for us.
The next round of listening for heartbeats, I was unsuccessful.
Thoughts of my brothers swirled in my head like flakes in a winter storm.
Memories I could barely grasp before they were ripped away.
The slow and steady ache of their loss throbbed through me.
As did the memory of plunging my dagger into Bjorn’s chest.
The lullaby returned, too. I shuddered, then swore. “Ask,” I demanded.
One of his hands left the reins, lifting toward me. It stopped in midair, hung frozen for a moment before curling into a fist. He reached it behind him and ran it through his hair.
His words were slow and soft, like he’d thought them through carefully but was afraid to hear my answer. “What are you thinking right now?”
My lungs refused to expand all the way. It was the only explanation for the shortness of breath I experienced.
My body had betrayed me once already—in the arena all those weeks ago, when the Lurae buried deep within me was allowed to burst forth.
It made sense my flesh would betray me again, allow my lungs to fail me now.
And while I struggled for air, my mind spun in dizzying circles. The words I spoke were not carefully considered, the way they should have been. They were far, far too honest.
“I’m thinking about how unfair it all is.” The admission choked me, and I pushed back the tears burning behind my eyes. “You’re a monster. You betray and destroy and devour. You lie.”
He interrupted. “Perhaps I do all those things. But not to you.”
“You don’t get to decide when to be the good guy,” I snapped. “You don’t get to choose how I feel about what you’ve done. So stop trying to force me to let go of my anger when you deserve it.”
We lapsed into silence.
Are you angry? The voice in my head was S?ren’s, so convincing I almost wondered if he’d gained a second Lurae somehow. But no. It was just my imagination, my mind so full of him that he followed me everywhere. Or are you afraid?
Of course I was afraid. The thought of letting that fear go was unsettling. I’d spent years of my life fighting to help the Nilurae. When that was no longer a possibility, I fought for the crown instead. But despite winning the Trials, achieving what I set out to do, I wasn’t happy.
All my life had been spent fighting. When the fighting was over, when it was all done…who was I? At least if I was fighting, I remained in the battle. At least then, I wasn’t another casualty.
The moment I allowed myself to think about what I would have done in S?ren’s situation that day—how I would have chosen if Frode’s life had been on the line instead of Sonja’s—was the moment I’d have to reckon with something deeper than my hurt.
I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that maybe he wasn’t the monster I wanted him to be.
Because if he wasn’t, then what did that make me?
Something worse.
There was no point in distinguishing my own thoughts from the voice of my Lurae anymore. As the weight of the past days began to settle on me again, I realized perhaps they had been the same voice the entire time.
“The forge?” I knew I sounded as incredulous as I felt. “I thought you said you knew a way for us to hear the prophecy.”
The mare slowed to a stop at the edge of the woods and S?ren dismounted. He held out a hand to help me down. My pride didn’t allow me to take it. Instead, I put up with my screaming legs, sore from so much riding, as I swung one over and landed with a grimace in nearly a foot of snow.
S?ren began walking toward the mouth of the cave, and I followed, sullen.
It had been a few hours since our last round of truth-telling, but we’d spent all of them in silence.
I’d relied on my breathing exercises to keep Mother’s lullaby at bay.
It was the most chaotic my Lurae had been since I blew up on S?ren while we sparred the other day.
And seeing my progress move backward was disappointing.
It became easy for the thoughts to creep in. You spent your entire life disappointing your parents. Then you disappointed Freja and Arne when you trained with the Hellbringer and entered the Trials. Now you’re queen and you’re still managing to be a disappointment to everyone around you.