Chapter Sixteen
Back inside the kitchen, Hannah began pulling ingredients off of the pantry shelves, slamming them down on the table with an extra oomph as she silently fumed.
She had thought, perhaps foolishly, that things were starting to get better, but clearly they weren’t.
She still had so much to learn about the ranch, and if Dean and Grace were going to be coming around more often, they were going to be more than happy to point out every little mistake she made.
Still, that only increased her drive to do something right, so she was going to take what was left of the apple jam and use the butter Amanda had gifted them to make muffins for Garrett and his help.
She was sifting flour into a bowl furiously, causing the powdery substance to puff out in great plumes over her face and hair, when Isaac came in.
He was sweat-slicked and dirty, but there was a look of satisfaction on his smiling face as she looked up at him. It faded instantly though, when he met her eyes, and no doubt saw the pain in them.
“What happened?” He asked, quickly coming toward her.
Hannah just shook her head, too worried that if she talked, she would cry again, and she was so tired of crying.
“Hannah,” Isaac insisted, but she just worked the sifter faster. “Hannah, stop!” He demanded, yanking the sifter out of her hands.
“Give that back!” She yelled, shoving out of her chair, but Isaac wasn’t intimidated in the least.
“No, not until you tell me what’s wrong,” he replied, holding the sifter out of reach.
Hannah swallowed, willing her tears to stay in check.
“No matter what good I do, I feel as if God is punishing me! Over and over again. I can’t, I want so badly to make everything right here, but things keep going wrong,” she rasped out.
“I just, I don’t know, I thought moving here would fill me with even more purpose, but I’ve never felt so useless,” she confessed, shaking her head.
“Don’t ever say that, sister,” Isaac demanded, his tone far too stern for his age. “You are not worthless and God is not punishing you. Why would he do that?”
“Because of Mother and Father,” she croaked out, “For what they did—”
“No,” Isaac cut her off sternly. “Don’t you dare think that. Their actions have nothing to do with us. God knows that.”
Her shoulders drooped. She wanted to believe him. So very much. Yet it was doubt, not faith, that clouded her mind.
“Then why does it feel like He is?” Hannah asked with a helpless glance. “It’s too much.”
She looked up at her brother, and her guilt worsened as he gave her a pitying look. Quietly, he held out the sifter toward her. She took it and finished the flour.
“Maybe,” Isaac sighed, slowly taking a seat, “Maybe you just have too many people to look out for.”
“No,” Hannah quickly said, shooting him a scowl, “Don’t even say that.”
“I can take the other children, Hannah. I can move us somewhere else. Maybe even somewhere close to here. Maybe build an adobe of our own somewhere else on Garrett’s property.
Or get a job at one of the other ranches if Garrett doesn’t want to hire me.
You and him, though, you need a chance to figure out how you’re going to work together, and you can’t do that if you’re constantly watching out for all of us instead. ”
Hannah put down the sifter and pushed away the bowl of flour as she drew in a steadying breath.
“We are not splitting up,” she said, calmly but firmly. “It was a ridiculous idea to begin with and I wish I hadn’t even entertained it. We belong together. We’re family, and I never want that to change.”
“We’ll always be your family, Hannah,” Isaac insisted with a small laugh. “That’s always what we’ll be. We’ll just… be a little farther apart is all.”
“No,” Hannah insisted, feeling her heart break all over again at the thought of them separating. “Even if I was fine with us being apart, which I am not, you’re still too young to take on all the responsibility alone, Isaac!”
“You took on that responsibility younger than I am, Hannah!” Isaac insisted.
“No, we had Mama after Papa left, and we had—”
She stopped and pressed her lips tightly together, fresh pain washing over her. Isaac’s shoulders sagged, as if he felt it too, and he lowered his head.
“We had Clifford,” Isaac said for her.
She closed her eyes and nodded, the pain of their older brother’s death rising up and taking over her in the present.
It had been so long since she had thought about him, and that in itself seemed like a sin.
Her mind flashed back to the small house they’d grown up in.
To seeing Clifford wrapped in blankets by the small fireplace in an effort to keep him warm and comfortable.
He’d died from pneumonia not even a year after Rebecca was born.
And it was something their family didn’t talk about, even when their mother was alive.
Their younger siblings, Louis, Maria, and Rebecca, didn’t even remember him, and Jacob barely had any memories of him at all.
Hannah remembered though. So did Isaac. His death was a large part of why she had trouble separating the siblings in the first place.
She’d already been forced to say goodbye to one; she hadn’t been sure she could survive saying goodbye to three more.
Which was why, when Aunt Gertrude changed her mind, Hannah had been more relieved than upset.
“You’re a lot like him, you know,” Hannah said softly, doing her best to offer Isaac a smile as she forced herself back to the present.
She took in the adobe’s kitchen. The mess she’d made with the flour.
The look of sad concern on Isaac’s face.
She used it all to pull herself from the awful memory.
“He was so wise beyond his years. So patient and hardworking. You, Jacob, and Louis, you’re all like him.”
“You are too, sis,” Isaac replied, matching her gentle tone. Then he let out a soft laugh. “I think despite how useless our father turned out to be, our mother gave birth to some pretty strong children.”
Hannah laughed at that, even as she felt her sorrow start to prick at her eyes.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think she did,” she agreed, then sniffled.
“Remember how Mama used to call us all her blessings?” Isaac asked. “She was grateful to God for us, Hannah. She wanted us to know that she didn’t care how we came to be, only that she loved that we were hers.”
Hannah blotted her eyes as she drew in a steadying breath.
“I wish I had her faith. In God. And in myself.” She replied.
“You are the only one that is stopping you from having that faith, Hannah,” Isaac said, his tone solemn and quiet.
A quiver moved through Hannah’s chest as she heard her little brother’s mature words. She tried to think of something to say, but her mind drew blank; too busy delving into the issue he so wisely pointed out. What would happen if she stopped being so unsure of herself?
“Mama would be happy for you, you know,” Isaac said after a small silence. “Clifford, too. You have already sacrificed so much for us. He would understand and even agree with me that you have a right to start looking out for yourself and just yourself.”
“Not going to happen,” Hannah said, shaking her head. “We stay together, and that’s that!”
Flustered over Isaac’s suggested plan, Hannah rose from her seat and began to pace the kitchen.
Why had she even given the idea of splitting up a single thought in the first place?
She should have turned it down at once. She should have written to Garrett about her true desire to keep her siblings together.
Should have never introduced him to the idea that only Rebecca and Maria were coming along with her.
Maybe if she had stuck to her own ideas, Dean wouldn’t have gotten so upset and accusatory.
Maybe he wouldn’t be out there right now with Garrett, pointing out reasons why he and Hannah shouldn’t be together with poor jokes.
“Hannah, are you—”
“You know what you are?” Hannah cut him off, picking up the damp wash cloth from the empty wash basin, “You’re filthy, that’s what. And probably hungry already, too. Here.”
She flung the wash cloth at Isaac and couldn’t even laugh as it landed on his face with a wet splat. Even as he yanked it off and looked at her as if she was mad, she couldn’t produce a giggle.
“We’re not talking about this anymore. What you are going to do is wash your hands and face,” she ordered, going to the clay water pitcher. She poured him a glass of fresh water and sat it down in front of him. Again, he looked at her as if she was losing her mind. Maybe she was.
“Drink your water, then take that pitcher and a couple of glasses outside for your brothers. I’m going to finish these muffins, and when they’re ready, the three of you are going to come inside and take a break,” she went on.
“Yes, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll make—”
Hannah stopped mid-word as Isaac reached out and caught her wrist.
“You’re allowed to think this is all too much, Hannah,” he said quietly.
Hannah shook her head as she pressed her lips tightly together.
“I understand,” Isaac went on, “Why you want to keep the younger siblings together. But I’m old enough now to make my own decisions. Find my own way. I… I think I want to leave. To figure all that out. To understand the plan God has for me. Don’t you want me to find that out?”
The tears Hannah had been trying to keep in check started to roll down her cheeks as she once more shook her head with vehemence.
“I do, Issac. But you’re too young,” she sobbed. “You deserve to be a boy a little more.”
Isaac grinned, even as sadness shined brightly in his eyes.
“You always said I had an old soul. Maybe it’s just my body that’s young,” he answered.
“Isaac, no. Please, don’t leave,” she begged, lowering herself down into the chair beside him. “I want us to stay together. No matter the cost.”
Isaac gave her wrist a little squeeze, then let it go.
“I love you, Hannah, but it’s not just about what you want anymore,” he said with a sigh.
Panic rose inside Hannah as she watched him stand up and reach for the pitcher and the glasses, as if he was done with the conversation.
Please God, no. Don’t take him from me. I can’t lose him too.
“That’s it?” She asked. “You’ve just made up your mind and now you’re going to do whatever you want?”
She didn’t mean to sound so accusatory, but her panic was taking over her senses with every breath she took.
“I’ll send money,” Isaac answered calmly, “Every chance I get, until you and Garrett have things figured out. I saw that garden out there that Maria is planting. I’m glad she’s starting one, but you and I both know that it will be months before harvest.”
Her pleading to God shifted to blame as she heard the absolution in Isaac’s voice.
“Garrett can just buy us more groceries, I just need to talk to him about it. You’re worrying about nothing,” Hannah insisted.
Isaac gave her a look. One that gave her pause and made her believe that her brother was holding some sort of secret.
“What is it?” She asked him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Isaac’s gaze fell down to the pitcher in his hands.
“I know you’ve been struggling, Hannah. With the move. With us. With your faith… but I think Garrett might be struggling too. A lot more than he’s willing to let on,” Isaac murmured.
Hannah’s brows furrowed.
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“I could be wrong,” Isaac replied, “But I think you two need to start having some serious conversations. I also think having one less mouth to feed is going to make things easier for him around here. Which is why I’m going to stick to my plan and leave.”
Panicked and confused, Hannah shot up from her seat and grabbed her brother’s shoulders, stopping him as he tried to walk away.
“Alright, alright,” she said gently, “I’ll talk with Garrett. Really talk with him, like you suggested. But don’t leave yet, Isaac. Please. Give me a month. Just one month to try to turn things around for everybody. Just, could you please give me that?”
Isaac stared pityingly at her for a long moment, then he sighed and nodded his head.
“Sure, sis. I can do that. I can give you a month,” he replied in a defeated tone.
Hannah sighed in relief as her hands unclenched from her brother’s shoulders, and she said a silent thank you to God, thinking that maybe He was listening to her after all.
“Thank you,” she whispered aloud to Isaac. “I’m going to make it all alright, I promise. I just need a little more time.”
Isaac just nodded as he turned his head toward the door.
After he left, Hannah stared after her brother for a long time. She had to find a way to change his mind. To make him stay.
I have to take his advice. I have to have a real talk with Garrett, and really find out what’s going on around here. If Garrett’s keeping secrets from me, I have to find out the truth, so I can help to make things right. I have to-
“I have to make the muffins,” she said aloud, pulling herself from her frozen state. “I’ll make the muffins, make a grocery list, and I’ll talk to Garrett. That’s what I’ll do.”
With her next step decided, Hannah went back to the table and got back to work.