Chapter 22 Camden
CAMDEN
I’d been fuming. It was all anybody could talk about as soon as the game ended and I’d been notified of Valerie’s dumb fucking social media post. I figured I would ignore it, but I couldn’t with my teammates giving me shit about it and Malcolm leaving a terse voicemail to call him back.
Even the security guard at the parking deck asked about it.
I wouldn’t have cared if I didn’t know that Nadine was involved. All I wanted was her in the stands and to be proud of me, but it was Erik who informed me she’d left the game early. Molly had relayed the message to him that Paisley wasn’t feeling well, but I had a hunch it wasn’t the truth.
Nadine was upset, and she had every right to be.
I expected her to be pissed and maybe go a couple of rounds about what a jerk I am—and more than likely that I deserve every bit of scorn from every corner of the world after cheating on Valerie.
But what I don’t expect is those river eyes to fill with water and her face to fall when I open the door at home.
“Riv.” I approach her with my hands up. “What’s going on?”
She wipes at her face, but by the time I reach her, her cheeks are wet again, and I use my sleeve to dry them. It doesn’t last long, and I hold her head between my hands to kiss her. It’s chaste but tastes salty, her mouth soft yet unforgiving.
“You saw?” I guess, and she nods, lips brushing mine. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her mouth. “I—”
“I’m not sure I can do it.”
“Do what?”
She sniffles. “I don’t know… It’s a lot, me and you, and I don’t think—”
“Stop. Stop.” I step away, releasing her face to take her hands in mine. “Just stop, okay? We have to talk about this. Please?”
She lets me lead her to the living room, but she chooses to sit on the other couch instead of next to me. I blow out a breath and scrub my hands through my hair, attempting to gather my thoughts about everything.
“First of all, is Paisley okay? Erik said you two left early because she wasn’t feeling well.”
Nadine shakes her head. “She’s fine. She’s watching a movie.”
I swallow past my cottonmouth. I was right, and they left the game because of the post. With my elbows on my knees, I fist my left hand over my right so that I don’t close the space between us. I recognize she needs it, but it’s a gulf. A chasm I’m worried can’t be bridged.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit honestly as she still refuses to meet my gaze.
She sniffles again, lifting an apathetic shoulder, eyes focused on where her toe is dug into the rug. “I thought I’d be able to do it, but I’m not sure I can. If this is what it’s like to be a part of your life… All this speculation and ridicule, it’s a circus.”
I can’t disagree. My behavior has been clownish at times, and now it’s all coming back to bite me in the ass.
She finally lifts her bloodshot eyes to my face, dragging her fingers under her eyes and nose.
“You know, while I was at the game, I had this epiphany that’d I’d been wrong all along.
About you, about the other wives and girlfriends.
I had all these assumptions about what type of people they were.
” She shakes her head, sawing her teeth over her bottom lip, as if keeping herself from crying again.
“I felt so bad for judging them, for spending so long judging you. But then Valerie posted that, and I know…” Her voice wavers.
“I know the truth about us, but I don’t know the truth about anything else.
I only know that you have a whole history I may have been right about. ”
I can’t stay away from her anymore, and I fall to the floor, crawling to her, placing my hands on her legs, cupping my palms around the backs of her denim-covered calves.
“I can’t change my past. I wish I could, but I can’t, and I’m so sorry any of it might blow back on you, because you don’t deserve it. You are perfect.”
She covers her face with her hands and mumbles, “I’m not perfect.”
“Riv, please, look at me.” She does, and I bring her hands to my lips, kissing her fingertips. “You’re perfect for me.”
Her breath hiccups, but she doesn’t respond, lips pursed, eyes swimming with water.
“Give me a chance. Give us a chance. Please.”
She squeezes her eyes shut. “I don’t know.”
“I’ll tell you anything. Whatever you want to know, I’m an open book.”
A moment passes where I’m not sure she’s going to take me up on my offer to answer her questions, but she eventually blinks her eyes open. They’re dry and narrowed on me. “Did you cheat on Valerie?”
“Yes. Once, a few months ago while I was in Florida.”
“Did you ever cheat on anyone else?”
“No. I swear, and I won’t ever cheat on you.”
She huffs one single, annoyed laugh. “That’s good, I guess.”
“Honey, please.” I dip my chin, practically prostrating myself.
“You know me. You know the real me. I did it because I was pissed at myself and trying to fill up the holes in my life. It sounds shitty, but it didn’t mean anything.
And this will sound even worse, but—” I lick my lips, preparing for more honesty than I’ve ever given any other woman “—Valerie and I were never that serious. It’s not an excuse, it’s just the truth.
I didn’t feel bad about it at the time because I assumed she was also fooling around behind my back, but I didn’t care.
I never cared about anyone the way I do about you.
And I know my word means nothing right now, but I promise I would never cheat on you.
You’ve been tucked away in my heart for so long, I think I became used to living life with you there.
Looking forward to the one day of the year I’d be able to see you.
When I’d feel alive again. Because every other day, every other woman was background noise.
It’s always been you, even if I didn’t know it.
You have always been mine. Let me be yours. ”
Nadine’s shoulders rise on a deep breath, her lips parting on her exhale. Yet she doesn’t answer for a long time. Kicking me in the gut. “I don’t know, Camden. I need time to think.”
I place my head on her lap, taking a few breaths, letting a tendril of hope weave its way around my ribs like her fingers do when she combs them through my hair. She’s not pushing me away. It’s not no.
We stay like that for a while, me kneeling on the floor with my hands wrapped around her backside and my cheek against her knee as her fingers drag through my hair. Pure bliss.
And if this was ever all she offered me, I might be satisfied.
“I made plans for us for Thanksgiving. Erik is going to host,” she tells me eventually, and I bite back a smile.
If she’s making plans for us, that’s got to be a good thing.
“Since you’re playing on Thursday, we’ll eat on Friday.
Most of my family will be there. I thought it would be nice for you and Paisley to come. ”
She doesn’t need to spell it out. We’re orphans now. My sister and I don’t have anywhere to go for the holidays, and I appreciate Nadine taking the reins on this since I’d been avoiding it. Figuring I’d order food from somewhere for Paisley, if she wanted.
The shine has all but faded on the idea of holidays. What is the point of celebrating anything if our parents aren’t here for them?
I lift my head and slowly reach my hand between us so she has time to stop me if she wants. She doesn’t, so I curl it around her neck, guiding her toward me for a kiss that she barely returns. A mere graze of her lips against mine.
“Take all the time you need.” I tuck loose strands of her hair behind her ears. “I won’t push because I want you to be sure I’m not the guy I used to be. I’m different, and I want to be different for you.”
She nods, and I press one last kiss to her forehead before standing and stepping away from her, leaving her with one last warning. “But as soon as you give me the word, I’ll be all in. There is no one else for me. You’re my endgame.”
Then I turn and give her the time she’s asked for.
But the Thanksgiving game was a disaster from the start.
We were down by two touchdowns at halftime, and I couldn’t seem to focus on anything except the fact that Nadine still hadn’t given me an answer.
It’s been almost a week since our talk, and I’ve been on my best behavior, giving her the space she asked for.
But as each day passed without a word from her, my frustration grew.
To make matters worse, I realized halfway through the third quarter that the bracelet Paisley had made me was missing from my wrist. I cursed under my breath, scanning the sidelines for any sign of it.
It was a small thing, a simple braided string, but it meant the world to me.
A reminder of the bond I shared with my sister and the new life we were building together.
It was gone. Like our chances of winning this game. We fought hard in the fourth quarter, but it wasn’t enough. The final score was 24-17, a crushing defeat by Chicago on our home turf.
I stalk off the field, ignoring the reporters clamoring for a quote. All I want is to go home, take a hot shower, and forget this day ever happened. Yet when I arrive at the penthouse, I find a surprise waiting for me on the kitchen counter.
There, next to the Founders cookie jar that had appeared a few weeks ago for Paisley’s favorite double stuffed Oreos, is my missing bracelet and an accompanying note in Nadine’s handwriting. Found this. Thought you might want it back.
But she’s nowhere in sight. I’ve become used to her waiting up for me, and disappointment washes over me even as I tie the bracelet back on my wrist. I snag a sports drink from the fridge and gulp it down, staring at my reflection in the glass doors directly across from me as I contemplate checking in on her.
It’s after midnight, and while today is just another day for me, other people like to think about what they’re grateful for.
I wonder what River’s grateful for. If she thanks God every night for me, like I do her. That she was made exactly, perfectly, the way she is. Whip-smart brain, even smarter mouth, and a gentle, loving heart. One that is big enough to care for a former bad-boy athlete and his little sister.
After tossing the empty bottle in the recycling bin, I head over to Rocky and Balboa to offer them their nightly pets then force myself to my room.
I cannot go back on my word.
I told her to take all the time she needs. Even if it kills me.
Even if I only want to go into her room to tuck her in and kiss her head.
I have to prove that she can trust me. She can believe me when I make a promise. When I eventually tell her that I love her.