Chapter 33 Nadine
NADINE
After dropping off Paisley at school this morning, I head straight to the main office, where the secretary greets me with a warm smile and marching orders for the day, copying and stapling packets because the printer is constantly broken and can never collate correctly.
When I run into the principal, she informs me of a long-term substitute position that will be opening up when Mrs. Baker goes on maternity leave and asks if I’d be interested.
Of course I am, and she says she’ll talk to human resources about it.
For the first time in two weeks, I’m feeling really great. Confident and empowered. So when Camden arrives home a few hours later, I’m waiting for him with my coat on and keys in my hand. Fired the fuck up.
“Hey, what—”
“Your sister and I ate already. I’m going to Erik’s house.”
His eyes widen. “What are you going to do?”
“What I should have done a long time ago. I’m going to put my foot up his ass.”
He grins and holds up his hand. I smack it aggressively, but he likes it, swatting my ass on my way out. “That’s my girl!”
“Pretty sure Paisley’s got a boyfriend,” I toss over my shoulder, but the door closes on his question.
“She what?”
I don’t have anything specific in mind to say to my brother when I get there, but I listen to Camden’s pregame playlist, letting it pump me up on the drive, and by the time I park, I think I could put on a helmet and do some damage on the field.
Erik answers the door, surprise coloring his face. “Nan? What are you—”
“We need to talk. Now.”
He glances over his shoulder toward the living room, where I can hear Kai babbling and Molly responding.
“I don’t think—”
“I don’t care what you think right now.” I push past him into the house and wave at Molly. “I need to take my brother out back.”
She smiles. “Of course.”
So I wrap my hand around the collar of Erik’s T-shirt and pull him behind me.
He wriggles out of my grasp. “What the hell are you doing? This is my favorite shirt, and you’re stretching it out.”
“Oh, poor you.”
It’s January and cold, but I slam the back door shut after he follows me onto their back patio, the string lights above providing illumination in the pitch-black night around us.
Erik crosses his arms over his chest, a familiar stubborn set to his jaw that runs in our family. He’s not often one to deploy it, but that streak is there, nonetheless. Along with the temper. The one that got us into this mess. “If you’re here to lecture me about Camden—”
“I’m here to lecture you about being a jackass.” His eyebrows shoot up when I poke him in the chest. “You want to be mad at me? Fine. Be mad. But don’t you dare take it out on Camden when he was defending me. Don’t you dare punish your team because your ego got bruised.”
“My ego?” Erik’s voice rises. “You lied to me, Nadine. Both of you lied to my face for months.”
“Because we were afraid of your reaction, and apparently we were spot-on!” I throw my hands up. “You’re being unreasonable and dramatic and—”
“Dramatic?”
“Yes, dramatic. You’re acting like Camden committed some unforgivable sin by falling in love with me. Like I’m some helpless little girl who can’t make her own decisions.”
Erik’s jaw works, but he doesn’t respond immediately.
“I know that you hold yourself to impossible standards and you think you’re above the mere mortals you deign to walk the earth with, but people do dumb shit all the time.
I’m not defending us lying to you, but this right here is proving the point of why we did.
Granted, it’s a little over the top. I understand that QBs need to feel important or whatever, but even this—” I lift my hands, gesturing as if to include this conflict between us “—is too much for you. I mean…this is 2000s rom-com level drama.”
“This isn’t some childhood drama, Nan,” he says, like I’m the ridiculous one. “You know how I feel about honesty. About how hard I work to keep a tight circle of people I can trust around me.”
“We didn’t lie about killing somebody. We lied to protect your stupid season.
Camden needs this championship win, and since he knows how you feel about him—how you think he’s not worthy of me—he didn’t want to wreck the team’s chances.
Or our chances of being together.” I huff, a white puff of air clouding in front of me.
“That tight circle of people you trust is about to get smaller by two if you don’t fix this.
I know Camden has tried to talk to you, and I also know that you started all this by planting the seed in the first place, by saying he wasn’t good enough for me. ”
Erik opens his mouth to argue, but I stop him. “You were there for him in Iowa, at the funeral. You know how hard this year has been, and I can’t believe you’d ever say that. To his face!”
My brother’s shoulders droop, as if he’s finally understanding exactly what his past actions have done.
“You told me that Camden isn’t the man he portrays, and you’re right, he’s not.
He’s amazing. He’s generous and kind, funny and smart, and he respects me.
I’ve never had a man who supports all of my decisions like he does.
So I’m not sure if you said that shit to him as a joke or if you truly believe it, but either way, it was wrong. You were wrong.”
Erik scrubs his hands over his face, his defensive wall beginning to crack, so I take another swing, intent on ripping the whole thing down. “You want to know why I love him? Because he sees me. Not Erik Rivera’s sister, not the family disappointment—”
“You’re not the family disappointment.”
I ignore his placation and keep on going.
“He sees me for exactly who I am and loves me anyway. He believes in me when I don’t believe in myself.
” My voice softens, just a little. “Remember when Dad didn’t want you dating Molly in high school?
Said she’d distract you from football, take away your focus.
But you knew what you felt for Molly was bigger than that, important enough that you could work through all the hard stuff, right? Well, that’s how I feel about Camden.”
“That’s different,” Erik says, like he’s exhausted by this conversation. So am I, but I’m not done fighting. I will always fight for Camden and our relationship.
“How? How is it different?”
Erik runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Because I’ve seen him with other women. I’ve seen how he treats relationships like they’re disposable. I’ve watched him make bad decision after bad decision.”
“And you’ve also watched him change. You’ve seen him with Paisley, how he stepped up when his world fell apart.
You’ve seen him work harder than anyone to prove he’s not the person everyone thinks he is.
” I take a breath. “You’re his best friend, Erik.
And you told him point-blank he’s not good enough for me.
Do you have any idea what that does to someone who’s already struggling with their self-worth? ”
Guilt flickers across Erik’s face. Good. He should feel bad.
“He loves you like a brother. Your opinion matters to him, and instead of supporting him, you made him feel like he had to choose between his best friend and the woman he loves.”
Erik goes quiet for a long moment, staring at the floor. When he eventually speaks, remorse lines his words. “I just… I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Then trust me to know what’s good for me. Trust that if Camden ever did hurt me, I’m strong enough to handle it. And trust your best friend to be the man you know he really is.”
Erik takes a few deep breaths before finally lifting his gaze. “I fucked up.”
“Yep.”
A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You’re going to drag this out, aren’t you?”
“Deservedly so, yes.”
“Rivera guilt trip,” he murmurs, and I agree with a nod.
All of us five Rivera children needing to be the best isn’t a coincidence.
We’ve been guilted and conditioned into thinking there was no other option.
If our parents could overcome so much, there was no excuse for us. It was the best or nothing at all.
We all speak guilt fluently.
My brother pulls me into a hug, and the tension I’ve been carrying slowly drains from my shoulders and back. “I’m sorry,” he says. “You’re right. I was being an ass.”
“You were being protective. I get it. But Camden and I don’t need protection from each other. We need your support.”
Erik nods against my hair. “I’ll talk to him. Fix this before the next game.”
“Good. Because I’m not losing my boyfriend or my brother over this stupidity.”
He rubs at his jaw. “Boyfriend, huh?”
I show him the ring and bracelet Camden gave me for Christmas, and he makes a curious sound.
“It’s serious, then? You really love him?”
“I really love him, and he really loves me too.”
Erik exhales noisily, doing his yoga breathing. “Okay. If you’re sure about it, then I’m behind you both. Now, can we go inside? I’m freezing.”
“All part of the punishment,” I say, eyeing the goose bumps on his arms, bare from his T-shirt, before heading inside, where I drop my coat on one of the kitchen chairs and help myself to their pantry, where I know his stash of peanut M&Ms is hidden. My eating them is also part of his punishment.
He takes Kai, pointedly not mentioning my eating his snack, and gives Molly and me some time alone. These last two weeks have been weird between us.
“I tried talking to him,” she tells me once he’s out of the room. “I’m so sorry about how everything went down.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” She frowns. Molly is conflict-averse. She’s so afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings that she avoids confrontation at any and all costs. “It wasn’t right, and I brought it up, but he’s so stubborn, and I…”
She starts to tear up, and I reach for her hand. My sweet friend doesn’t have to explain. I already know. She wants to support her husband, especially during these high-stakes games, and I am positive she did try to talk to my brother, defend Camden and me. I hug her. “I love you.”
She sniffles. “I love you too, and when I grow up, I want to be just like you.”
“Full of anxiety and self-doubt?”
She coughs a laugh. “No. You lead with your heart.”
“Even when my heart tells me to call your husband a jackass?”
She smiles, leaning into my side. “Especially then.”
I dip my head magnanimously. “Saving the world, one jackass at a time.”