Chapter Seventeen
West
Mike’s car is in the driveway, but it’s late. He probably worked tonight, which should be reason enough to turn around and take my ass home, but I’m desperate.
I drove around for hours before this, trying to stop myself from dropping in unannounced, but I couldn’t fight it. Like something inside me knew this was where I needed to be.
There’s a light on in the living room, but that doesn’t mean anything. Still, I climb out of the car and take a chance, hanging on to my sanity by a thread.
With every step toward the house, Blue’s all I can think about. I left Hunter’s five hours ago and still haven’t forgiven myself. As far as apologies go, I fucked that one up royally. My goal was to give Blue a chance to vent, a chance to be heard, but I only made things worse.
Which I didn’t even think was possible.
I stop at the porch and shame nearly brings me to my knees. I can’t believe my dumb ass made it into something physical.
Cursing my own fucking stupidity, I knock and wait, considering backtracking to my truck to deal with this shit on my own. But before I can make a clear choice, the door swings open. At first, Mike’s wearing a smile, but then the look fades as he seems to realize I’m not okay.
He pushes the storm door open wide. “Come in, son.”
I step inside without a word, and he hits mute on the TV remote as I take a seat. He settles on the opposite end of the sofa, and I feel him staring. I can’t speak, though. Mostly because I don’t even know where to start.
“I’d ask how you’re doing, but that look on your face speaks volumes,” he says.
Everything Blue and I have been through these past few months flashes through my head, and it knocks the wind out of me.
That woman is my whole fucking world, but it’s like it’s gotten harder and harder to show her that.
How can the one person in the world I can’t live without be so hard to hold on to?
“I fucked up,” I force out.
“Been there, done that,” Mike chuckles. “So, you’ve come to the right place if you’re looking for someone to listen and not judge.”
Actually, that might be the exact reason I turned to him tonight. Not my brothers, not Ricky.
“I got some bad news about my shoulder yesterday. I went to a really dark place, and… Blue and I got into it.”
Mike nods. “That’s understandable. You’re both under a lot of stress these days.”
“Yeah, but I took things too far.”
He relaxes deeper into the couch as he nods. “Okay…”
I lean forward, wincing when I tweak my shoulder with the awkward movement. “The team won yesterday’s game, so I went out with them to celebrate, and… I guess you could say I had one too many drinks.”
There’s an uneasy moment between us as I run those words back through my head, making sure I didn’t say something offensive, given his history.
“I see,” he says quietly. “I’m sure that didn’t go over too well with my daughter. Considering.”
There’s no missing the shame in his voice, and again, I regret coming here. He was probably just trying to relax and enjoy his evening, now here I am throwing his past in his face.
I’m such an idiot.
“You know what? This was a mistake. You probably don’t want to hear any of this.”
I’m already on my feet halfway through the apology, but Mike stands, too.
“West, sit. Please.”
We lock eyes, and he doesn’t seem upset. I weigh my options, ultimately deciding to lower back down to the couch as Mike does the same.
“I know what you’re thinking, and you didn’t upset me,” he says. “I’m not that delicate.”
A faint smile crosses his face, and I feel a little better.
A little.
“Listen, my past is my past. I own it. I hurt my kids in a lot of ways—ways I’m sure I haven’t even considered,” he adds.
“But since I can’t outrun who I used to be, seems the smartest thing to do is learn to forgive myself.
It’s the only way to stay sane. Now, does that mean there are never moments of guilt?
No. Because I love my kids and wish I could’ve been better for them when it counted.
But I’ve made my peace with it, which is a longwinded way of saying you don’t have to mince words with me on the subject. ”
I hold his gaze for a moment, then nod. “Thank you.”
He nods back, and I gather my thoughts again.
“The short version is that I came home drunk, made things worse, and she left.”
“Left?”
Frustrated, I take a breath. “Yeah. She’s staying at Hunter’s.”
Relief washes over Mike’s face, hearing that Blue’s someplace safe.
“I went to see her tonight, hoping we could talk things out, but she didn’t budge.”
“Poor girl inherited my stubborn streak. Sorry about that,” Mike snorts.
I smile a little. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“Before I start, I’d just like to say that I know I’m probably the last guy who should be giving marital advice.
However, I like to think that being a former fuck-up by trade makes me uniquely qualified here.
Plus, you showed up on my doorstep tonight, which means you’re just desperate enough to trust me. ”
He laughs, and I let one slip out, too.
“So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need you to know I’m on your side.
And I’m on Blue’s side. Because I love you both, and I don’t think anyone wants to see the two of you win more than I do.
Mostly just because I love the hell out of you guys, but…
there may be some selfishness behind me rooting for you, too. ”
He lowers his gaze.
“There’s a small part of me that…”
Mike blinks, and I don’t miss the tears in his eyes, despite him fighting tooth and nail not to let them fall.
“There’s a small part of me that prays I didn’t cause so much damage that my girls and Hunter can’t move past all the shit I did to find happiness.”
My heart sinks as his words weigh on me. My dad was never really much of a dad, and I know Mike wasn’t really either back in the day, but it’s impossible not to see he’s doing his best. He’s reformed, and he’s trying, and I’m realizing this is another reason I came to him tonight.
I needed to talk to a father-figure, someone who could give me the advice my asshole father was never equipped to give. Mike—along with Grandpa Boon, Dusty, and Coach—have filled the fatherly role in my life one way or another, and I’m grateful to have so many in my corner to lean on.
“Blue’s had a tough time, but she loves you,” I assure him.
“Yeah, I know, and she’s a saint for even giving me a chance, but I’m not trying to make this about me.
I only mean to say that… she’s a special girl, and she’s going to require more patience than other’s might.
Because she’s been through a lot. Because I’ve put her through a lot,” he adds.
“And while that might seem like a daunting task for most men, it hasn’t been for you. Because you’re special, too, West.”
I lower my gaze. I don’t deserve his praise. Not with how I let Blue down.
“I mean that,” he says. “You’re a hell of a guy and don’t ever let anyone make you believe otherwise. The way you’ve stood up for my daughter, protected her, loved her? I couldn’t have placed her in more capable hands if I’d picked a guy for her myself.”
Out of nowhere, it hits me again how much I miss her.
It’s only been a day since she left home, and I already feel like I can’t breathe without her.
I replay all the times she’s tried to talk about our issues, all the times she’s tried to fix us on her own with little help from me, all the times I shut her out…
What the hell was I thinking?
Now, she can hardly look at me.
“She’ll come back around,” Mike assures me, but I’m not sure I believe it. “Love like yours and hers doesn’t just fade away, West. You’ll go through shit, you’ll get over shit, then you’ll come together stronger to face the next wave. Together.”
Together.
I swear that fucking word haunts me, because I’m not sure I haven’t already pushed her so far away that I’ll never be able to reach her again.
“Give her time to breathe, time to be mad, and time to heal. Then, she’ll be ready to hear you out.”
Mike’s final words ring inside my head. Even after I finally leave him in peace to enjoy his night.
Now, as I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, all I can think about is how much I hate that the other side of the bed is cold and empty.
I turn my head and stare at Blue’s pillow, missing every single thing about her, wondering if she’s asleep or tossing and turning like I am tonight.
Mike said not to push and to give her time to feel what she needs to feel, but I convince myself it won’t be too much to send her a text.
So, I tap out a few quick words before pulling her pillow closer to hold it, to pretend she’s here.
I imagine her reading my message, and I pray she feels my heart through my words.
Because I mean every single one of them.
West: Our bed feels wrong without you. I know I fucked up, but please don’t let this be the thing that breaks us.
*
@QweenPandora:
Okay, something’s definitely up.
#KingMidas’s chariot was spotted parked outside #NewGirl’s old house. But before that, my inbox was flooded with pics of our king making his rounds, driving up and down the streets of the city.
No clue what tonight’s visit was about, but I can’t be the only one who smells that…
The unmistakable stench of a crisis brewing.
Stay tuned…
Later, peeps :)
—P