17. Ash
Chapter 17
Ash
I woke sometime later and gazed up at the sky through the window. The crisp blue, swirling with tufts of white clouds, brought me an ounce of comfort. I wished I knew what Nan was doing and if she was okay.
“Why are you sleeping on the floor?” That voice.
I sighed before I spoke. “It was more comfortable than the bed, and I couldn’t see the sky from over there.”
Diesel sat in a soft chair pulled close to where I lay on the floor, as if he’d been watching over me.
“Why’re you in my room?” I asked.
“I heard you had an eventful night.” His words came out short and snipped, as if he were angry.
I sat up and shrugged my shoulders.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting so bad?” His eyebrows drew together in concern.
“I thought it would go away again.” I pulled the tooth out of my pocket and tossed it toward him. “Little memento from the cougar’s and my time together,” I snorted.
He turned the tooth over in his hand with a pensive look on his face. “ It’s not funny, Ash.”
“I mean it kind of is,” I said.
He clutched the tooth tighter in his hand without an ounce of humor in his face.“I’m angry that you went to someone else for help—another man, no less—and not me.” His breathing deepened, like he was trying to express his feelings calmly, but failing miserably.
“Diesel, if I am going to marry you, then you have to stop with the possessiveness.” It was an olive branch I extended to him to make him think that we were going to be okay, but in reality, my own words surprised me.
He shook his head and scrubbed his hand over his face, still breathing hard and acting more agitated by the second.
“Do you hear what I’m saying?” I asked calmly. “I am a human, I can make my own decisions, and you can’t control me. I’m not going to be a doormat that you can push around and I’ll be okay with it.” My words rang truer than ever before. I was no shrinking violet.
“I don’t know how else to love you!” he shouted, his voice breaking as he stood and paced the room.
I struggled to get to my feet and pressed my back against the window, crossing my arms .
He tugged at his brown hair until he paused his pacing, placing his hands on his hips as he stared at the floor. “I lost her right in front of me—I can’t lose you the same way,” he said, quieter now.
“What are you talking about?”
“My mom.” His words were soft. Another punch to the gun. Another part of Diesel that I never knew existed.
“I thought you never met your mom.”
He sank on the bed with a pained face. “I lied. I promise this is the last thing I have kept from you.” The red in his eyes contrasted with the green as he looked at me.
For obvious reasons, I was wary of this statement, but I listened anyway. “How’d she die?”
“I grew up here. Miles and my mom never married, but I was a boy with the Etan name, so Miles kept me and my mother here. She loved me unconditionally. She was the only person that I ever loved…until you. The day Liam freed the blondes, and they raided the estate…”
“The same day that Beth died?”
He nodded. “I was at lunch with Jerek and—some other boys that were at school with me. I was only nine. The soldiers ran into the cafeteria and said the blondes were coming through the gates. I ran outside to get my mom. She was working in the gardens, but I was too late. The blondes shot her down right in front of me before I could get to her.”
Everything suddenly fell into place. Why he wanted to kill me when he found out I was blonde, why he hated them so much. My heart that once beat for him now ached at his words. Why did his actions all have to make so much sense? Why couldn’t I just hate him?
“Then the King and Queen raised you while Miles was in Cedar Hill with me?” I asked.
“I never forgave Miles for abandoning us and choosing orders from the King instead of raising his son. Ash, I am loving you the only way that I know how. I am protecting you the only way that I know how. I was never given a good example of what love looked like. All I had was Maximus and Regina, and there is no love between them, only duty to their country. I wasn’t lucky enough to have parents that loved me so entirely as Nan and Pop loved you. The last five years, my sole purpose was to follow you around and protect you. To watch and see if Liam ever came for you. At first, I hated it. I loathed being in Cedar Hill and the people there. I hated you for even existing because you made me leave the only home I’d ever known. I hated having to learn how to hunt and do things for myself. You were the reason I had to come out and live with the father who abandoned me. I didn’t care about much, Ash.” His voice sounded resigned as he fiddled with his hands in his lap. He needed to stop talking. Stop making me feel sympathy for him and his actions.
“All I wanted to do was get my job done and get back to Hope. That’s why I was with Lily before you. Then this spring, something changed. It was like something came to life in my chest when I looked at you after Miles died. Suddenly, I appreciated the time I had with my dad, and you weren’t only a job anymore. I saw you for more. You made me feel things that I hadn’t ever felt before. Suddenly, the world shifted. I felt like I could finally feel something.” He grabbed his chest like it ached at the very thought. Why did he do this to me? Why did he make me feel things I shouldn’t after so much betrayal? I turned away and grasped the window sill .
“It’s strange to come here. My entire purpose isn’t you anymore, but at the same time it still is. I’m different because of you, but I feel like I’m still me. And that means that every time you leave, I see my mother dying. I’m so afraid of losing you to another man or…death. I won’t lose you like I lost her, but I also can’t forget about who killed her.”
“That’s why you hate blondes,” I murmured. Things about Diesel finally all clicked into place. His possessive, overprotective, hot and cold behavior. It was all related to him losing his mom and seeing me as the enemy until suddenly I wasn’t anymore. Now, rather than seeing me as the enemy, he was trying to protect me, like he had been ever since the day we came back to Cedar Hill.
“I can’t release them all like I know you want, but if there are more like you, then I would let them go. You coming here, our engagement—it was my idea. It starts with you. Maximus is busy with the war in the North, and he said if we can find Liam, if we can stop the rebellion—stop another war that is surely coming—then he will let me be King to rule as I see fit. Ash, this is the change I promised we could have. This is the start of something big, but we have to be careful. If we succeed, we can’t just open the gates and let them go.”
“So you’re only using me?” The heart that ached for him suddenly stopped hurting so bad.
“I’m sorry. It was the only way, Ash. I’m truly only trying to do what is best for the country and you.”
“Do you believe that Maximus will really ever let me be Queen?” I turned back around to face him.
“He swore if we could find Liam and placate the blonde rebellion, then he would let me rule as I saw fit. I have never seen the King break an agreement. ”
I didn’t believe it for a second. My own grandfather hated me. I could feel it in the coldness of his stare. He was up to something that Diesel couldn’t see, but he didn’t know I was playing my own game.
“There are more things I need to warn you of.” He sighed. “Conditions of this agreement.”
I didn’t want to hear what else he could have possibly agreed to. He ducked his head in shame, and I knew it wasn’t good. I gripped the windowsill, preparing myself for his words.
“He’s going to use Nan against you as leverage, so you’ll cooperate. If you don’t help us find Liam…he’ll kill her.”
“What?” I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. No, please not Nan. She was too good for all of this, she didn’t deserve that kind of ending.
“I won’t let her die, Ash. I promise.”
He stood and came closer. I hid behind my hands. How could he do this? How could I choose whether Nan dies or Liam dies? Surely that was what Maximus wanted him for. He wouldn’t let the leader of a rebellion remain alive, even if it was his son.
“You’ve put me in an impossible situation, Diesel. How could I sentence either of them to death?” I said through my fingers.
“Easy… We’ll find Liam.” He spoke like it was so simple.
I slid my hands down and stared into his eyes.“I don’t even know my father. What if he isn’t what you say he is? What if he is a good man? How can you so easily write someone off for death without even knowing them?”
“Would you rather have Nan die?”
“Diesel! You’re making me choose who dies! I don’t want any more blood on my hands. I don’t want anyone else to die because of me! ”
“It was the only way to keep you alive!”
“Then kill me, Diesel. It will end all our problems! I won’t choose!”
He stepped directly in front of me, mere inches away. “ Never say that again ,“ he said furiously. His green eyes filled with longing and heartbreak. “You don’t have to do anything. You don’t need to sentence anyone to death. I will find Liam.”
I shook my head slightly. “Why didn’t you tell me before and we could have run together, D?”
“Then nothing would have ever changed for us—for you. I— we have the power now to change the world. I didn’t tell you, because I wanted this. You are not the only one trapped in an impossible situation. Please try to understand,“ he whispered. “It was either keep you alive or one of them. I would choose you every time.”
I finally understood. All that we had been through, all he had dealt with in silence. The game that we still played. I dropped my forehead to his chest, breathing deeply. He smelled like home, and I missed it badly.
“You should have left me to the bounty hunters,” I whispered into his shirt.
He put his arms around me and tucked my body in close. I let him.
“You had the chance to end me, and you didn’t… It’s not that easy,” he said.
He was right. I could still see the blood on the ground beneath my feet and the gaping hole in his chest from my vision. He still had a hold on my heart, even if he chose to kill someone so he wouldn’t lose me.
“There’s one more thing,” he sighed. “You are to train with a man named Kane to ensure you don’t have any abilities—that you are trustworthy.”
I didn’t even flinch, but the name Kane set the alarm bells off in my head. Diesel didn’t know who Kane was, but I did. We had met on three occasions, and I remembered every one of them with excruciating detail. Kane, leader of the bounty hunters and a blonde. Why was he in Hope? I guess he must work closely with the King.
I swallowed hard and spoke in a strained voice. “Kane will be searching for my blonde abilities?”
He nodded, confirming my suspicions. “But he won’t find anything. You are different from the rest of them.”
I nodded.
“The only reason I’m allowing Kane to train you is I know he won’t find anything. It’s to show the King that you are different—that you’re not a threat.”
What a terrible mistake he had made, and he didn’t even realize it. I would never let Kane find out the truth because if he did, it would be the end of me. The thought of training with Kane terrified me, but there was also a tiny part of me that was electrified by the thought. I changed the subject before Diesel could get any reading on my thoughts. “How’re you going to find Liam?”
“Someone in this city must know something about his whereabouts. I will pry it out of them if I have to. I will find him, Ash. I promise.” I didn’t know if I wanted him to.
“And what am I supposed to do? Waste away in my room?”
“It’s not safe for you anywhere else.”
“Let me help,” I insisted .
“No. Train with Kane and show them you are not a threat, and let me worry about everything else.”
I wanted to fight back and bite his head off for suggesting it, but I let it slide.
“Okay, Diesel.”
“It’s Gabe,” he murmured.
“Gabe,” I whispered, wanting to vomit a little.
He slanted his forehead down to mine. “It feels so good to hear you finally say it—my real name.”
“It’s going to take some getting used to.”
He chuckled low. “I’ve got all the time in the world for you.” He pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek. “I’m so sorry I had to lie to you for so long. You understand now, don’t you? Please tell me you understand.”
“I understand why you did it.” And I did, but that didn’t make any of it right. That didn’t mean I no longer hated him for it. His arms wrapped around me once more, and I forced myself to return the favor. My mind was a jumble of emotions. His arms and scent felt like home but felt so wrong at the same time. I couldn’t make sense of my feelings no matter how hard I tried.
His lips moved close to my ear, where he had tucked his face into my neck. “I thought I lost you.”
“Not yet,” I sighed. It was the most honest statement I’d made all morning.
“Things have to change between us for now.” Oh, but they already had. “I won’t be able to be around you as much. I must prove to the King that the country is more important than you.”
I bit my tongue in disbelief. Hadn’t he already done that?
Two days. I’d been here two days, and I was already sick to death of this house…or mansion, whatever they’d called it. The whole house felt wrong. The stale air and fake light made me want to pull my hair out. It was like the house tried to be more than it was ever intended to be. A house was simply a safe haven from the elements—one of man’s basic needs. But this house…it’d taken that to a whole new level. This house was meant to swallow a person up and never let them leave, enticing them in with every comfort known—and, well, unknown to man—but in the process, this house would steal your soul. That was what I could feel thrumming through the walls like the electricity that brought light to the rooms.
The day wore on, and I was trapped in my room with nothing to do but think about how much I hated the King’s mansion. I asked Davis, now stationed outside my door, to let me go outside several times, all of which he turned down. I took another bath and a shower, which felt heavenly. I found I could walk on my leg now without agony sweeping through my body. Thank you, Emma . I explored my giant closet that had way more clothes than I would ever wear. The shoe selection was particularly interesting, considering the only ones I had ever worn were old hunting boots.
I flipped the switches on the wall to watch the lights turn on and off. It was all so fascinating, and I had no one to share it with. I found out where the warmth came from with no fire. Vents on the floor blew warm air up when the room reached below a certain temperature. No fire stoking required.
Ryan brought food in that required no energy from me to hunt, gather, or grow. What did people do all day when all these things were handed to them?
I watched out the large window for most of the day, examining all the people and soldiers that went in and out of certain buildings. The snow from yesterday didn’t stick, and the weather looked chilly, but mild. By the end of the day, I was crawling out of my skin with boredom. Late in the afternoon, Ryan arrived.
“The King is throwing a party tonight for your return. He insists you get dressed up and attend,” she said.
If it got me out of this room, then I would do just about anything. “Do I have to wear one of those awful dresses in my closet?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
My nose crinkled in disgust. “Fine… I have never worn a dress before,” I sighed.
“No surprise there… You have absolutely no manners.” Ryan smirked at me. I was really beginning to like her.
“You really don’t know when to shut up, do you?” I smiled back.
“It’s part of my charm.” We both laughed.
“Come on, let’s get your hair and makeup done, feral Princess.” She motioned for me to sit on a chair in the bathroom while she pulled objects from the drawers that I had no idea how to use. I laughed and sat down.
She held a hairbrush in front of me. “This is a brush. It’s for your hair. Maybe try it once in a while.”
I tried to hold back a smile and smacked the brush out of her hand. “I know what a brush is.” She giggled at me and worked on the knots in my hair .
A few hours and playful jabs from Ryan later, I stared at myself in the mirror, stunned at the girl who stared back. She was…well, breathtaking. Ryan had pinned my blonde curls back on the top and the rest flowed freely down my back. My makeup was on a whole new level. The only makeup I’d ever worn had been at the spring festival last year and it was only a bit of red something that Nan put on my face. This makeup came in jars and jars with loads of different colors. It smelled of perfume and felt cool on my face. The dark shades around my eyes made my blue irises stand out even more, and my lips were a subtle pink color. The peach-colored dress that Ryan made me slide into hugged all of my curves. The high neck in the front covered my scars from the mountain lion, but the daring slit up the skirt did nothing to cover the scar and bandage on my leg. The back of the dress plunged so low it made me feel very underdressed. I opted out of wearing the pointy-heeled shoes that Ryan said were to die for and instead wore a pair of flat sandals because I already had trouble walking as it was.
“Well?” Ryan asked from her spot, leaning on the doorjamb.
“I think I want my man pants and hunting boots back.” This all seemed so foreign and uncomfortable. I tugged at the top of my dress and swallowed hard.
“Oh, come on, you look stunning and you know it.”
“Thank you.” I smiled. This woman was quickly becoming something like a friend.
“The Prince is waiting for you in the hall when you’re ready. I will see you later, hot stuff.” She grinned and left without another word, leaving me gathering the courage to face the man outside the door.
I steeled my nerves and swung the door open. Diesel leaned against the opposite wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His mouth dropped as his eyes raked over my dress. He wore a dark outfit, complete with pants and an ornate jacket that made me feel extremely out of place. I was not used to this kind of lavishness. The nicest clothes I had ever worn were at the spring festival, and it was only a tighter pair of pants and a brighter shirt.
Diesel swallowed before trying to school his features, but I could still see the heat in his eyes. The heat that had drawn me in so many times before.
“I…wow…you look beautiful, Ash.” He stumbled over his words.
I gave him a small, deceptive smile—I missed who we used to be, but not enough. “Thank you.”
He extended his arm to me, and his brows furrowed as I took it.
“What?” I asked.
“I’m debating locking you back in your room. Nobody should get to see you like this but me.” He didn’t sound like he was joking.
“Diesel…please. I’ve been locked in there all day.”
“Sorry.” He grimaced. “But you’re not leaving my side all evening.”
I let out a breath, but nodded. I could still learn the things that I desperately wanted to know—this would just make it a bit more challenging.
My mission tonight was simple: find out who the real enemies were.