49. Ash
Chapter 49
Ash
“Why do you want to find Jerek? Are you going to kill him like you killed Rafe?” The bitter echo of my hateful words rang in my head. “It was you, wasn’t it? You killed your best friend,” my ghost-self of the future whispered. The rage in Gabe’s eyes made every conversation I had with Ryan and Jerek about Rafe make sense. The hateful spark in Jerek’s eyes at every mention of Gabe’s names. Ryan telling me that the King sentenced him to death but he wasn’t the one that pulled the trigger.
I stared at Gabe’s back, his muscles bunched tight and his fists white. What had I said? What had I let spill from my mouth after caging it up for so long? One minute, I thought that Gabe might listen, that I might be able to get him on our side, and the next I realized my mistake too late.The war that raged inside of me all the time finally came to a startling conclusion. I had to try to save Gabe if I could even if I broke the promise to myself to never fall prey to his deathly green eyes again. I thought I was tough and that I’d written him off, but deep down I hadn’t. I was afraid to see him locked away or worse once we captured the King. I could see the moments when I thought Diesel might come back to me. It was my weakness, and I could see that now. The man I once loved was dead. Diesel didn’t exist anymore; he was gone. The realization was like a sharp, hot knife in my chest. The feelings I’d wrestled with for months finally became crystal clear.
One question lingered in my mind. Did he know about Nan? In my vision, he kept his back toward me. “What about Nan?” I asked. “Did you send her my letter?”
His back remained to me. He didn’t turn; he didn’t object. Implicating himself further. He knew that Nan had passed on, and he didn’t tell me. Then, I cracked in two, connecting the dots about everything I’d heard over the last months.
“How could you?” I shrieked, charging toward him. I hated him. Fully and completely hated him. There was not a drop of love left in my heart for this man. He kept the truth from me again, and I was stupid enough to give him another chance after I swore I never would. After I swore I would pay him back. He killed Rafe, he kept Nan’s death a secret, and he killed a part of my soul. He had been destroying me piece by piece for so long, until there were no more pieces of myself to give him.
He turned in an instant, and the way his green eyes blazed with an anger I’d never seen before stopped me in my tracks. He picked up the tiny, ornate table that was by the door and hurled it through the air. The table flew by my side and through the large window behind me, shattering the glass and sending shards everywhere.
His mouth moved like he yelled, but I couldn’t hear his words.
Shock filtered through my system at his outrage, and I feared for what he may do next.
He surged toward me, and I recoiled until he grasped my arm.
“Let go of me!” I cried as he pulled me forward.
The vision played out so quickly and so intensely, I stumbled backward and realized none of it had actually happened. I felt all the feelings like they really happened, and I wanted to vomit. I wanted to break the leg off the ornate table that still sat by the door and shove it through Gabe’s chest. Gabe stopped suddenly with his hand on the door knob and whirled around, bringing me back to the present.
“He’s gotten to you. He’s infected your mind like all the others. I will not lose you like I lost her,” he seethed, reaching for my arm, dragging me forward and out of my room. Her. He had to be speaking about his mother. I was stunned into silence by all that I’d learned in a few seconds. He opened the door and produced a gun from the back of his pants. He was a madman—his eyes glazed over with rage. Jerek stood outside the door, and before he could think twice, Gabe had the gun aimed at him. My mind felt cloudy and like I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to attack Gabe with all I had, but it would destroy everything . I had to be smart; I had to play the game better than him. I had to lie and hold secrets better than him; they were more precious than gold. I clamped it all down, shoving it away, making myself numb. Ignoring the vile feeling of Gabe’s hand on my arm.
Gabe’s emotions were too wild; he walked a very dangerous edge of sanity at the moment, and I couldn’t see a way forward that didn’t end in Jerek’s demise. Jerek slowly raised his hands. “Gabe,” he said in an utterly calm voice .
“Drop your weapons and no one gets hurt,” Gabe growled, pulling me closer to him. Jerek’s eyes flew to me, full of worry. “Don’t look at her!” Gabe yelled. I was dazed and had a hard time distinguishing the present from the future—what had actually happened versus what had only happened in my mind.
Jerek’s eyes went back to Gabe, and he slowly pulled his weapons out, placing them on the ground at his feet. I shook my head in horror. What had I done? Gabe had found out about Liam.
“Walk to the cells until I figure out what to do with you,” Gabe spat once all Jerek’s weapons landed on the floor.
Jerek nodded and turned, walking toward the tunnels. We eased down through the underground paths, past the arena where I fought the cougar, and through a locked door with dozens of cells behind it. Prisoners stared back at us through metal bars that lined the walls. A group of soldiers guarding the entryway and the prisoners looked between me, Jerek, and Gabe with wide eyes, all the while Jerek’s hands remained aloft.
“Uh, Captain…” one of them said, bowing his head respectfully to Jerek, then Gabe. “Your Highness.”
“Is anyone in the isolation cells?” Gabe said menacingly from beside me.
“No…not currently,” the soldier stammered in confusion.
“Open two of them,” Gabe commanded, his grip on the gun tightening. As long as I remained calm and didn’t make any sudden movements, it would be okay.
I said nothing as he pulled me forward and down a hall, following the soldier with keys.
He ignored me, grinding his teeth together until two of the doors squeaked open. Darkness and thick, damp air crept out from the cell. A soldier flicked a light on from outside the room. A cot and a toilet were the only items that rested inside the cell on the hard cement floor.
My heart hammered in my chest. Gabe pushed me forward with the same glazed expression. “I’m not going to lose you to them. No one can get to you in here,” he said with a completely unfeeling voice. My frantic eyes found Jerek, and his face appeared panicked. Then, the door swung shut, locking me away where no one could find me.
Dread gathered in my chest, squeezing until I couldn’t breath. There were no windows, no sky, no breeze. Gabe took away everything from me, and I let him—it was all my fault. My moment of weakness destroyed everything we worked toward. I’d failed Kane; I did the very thing that he was most afraid of. This was the reason he didn’t tell me his true identity in the first place. He thought my love for Gabe would blind me, and he was correct. Shame burned in my cheeks, and a tear rolled down my face.
You are capable of anything, anywhere. Only you can fix this. Kane’s words slipped into my mind, and I used his advice to ground myself. I smelled the dampness of the room, I felt the wetness gathering under my eyes, and I felt the air rushing in and out of my lungs. I would not lose myself to the panic again.
“Ash!” Jerek’s voice came from a spot by the bed, barely audible.
I rushed over to the bed and flung myself on top of it, searching for the source of Jerek’s voice.
“Ash, are you there?” Jerek said through a tiny hole in the cinder block wall.
“Yeah, I’m here,” I said, my voice strangled.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
I explained what happened in all my misery–so many mistakes. “I’m so sorry, Jerek. I didn’t mean to,” I whispered.
“It’s okay,” he reassured me. “Gabe’s just pissed. He doesn’t actually know anything. The King will want to speak to me. I’ll get us out of this, I promise. The information I’ve been feeding him about you has been good; he trusts me.”
“You been ratting me out to the King?” I asked with a slight smile.
“Only little bits here and there that won’t mean anything. Besides, if that doesn’t work, Kane will come looking sooner or later.”
“Maybe—I think I hurt him yesterday, and he might hate me for letting anything slip to Gabe.”
“You really don’t know, do you?” he murmured, and I barely heard him. Then, before I could answer, he spoke. “Trust me, that man is like a brick wall; you could stab him in the heart and he’d stand there and take it. He’ll be here. We’ll be okay.”
The room went silent except for the dull hum of the lights. It astounded me how little noise there was in here.
“On the bright side,” Jerek started, and it sounded like he leaned on the wall on the other side. “I’ve got more explosives than I know what to do with and a way to get into the substation on the winter solstice.”
I could go along with pretending that I hadn’t just blown our whole plan out of the water for a moment. “What about the King? Won’t he want you to be with me that night?”
He shook his head. “Sam is on duty that night, and you’ll be with the rest of his guards and loads of soldiers. I doubt he’ll notice I’m gone.”
“That’s good,” I answered softly. “What about after?”
“What do you mean? ”
“I mean you have to leave until we can get things settled with the King. It’s not safe for you to stick around, in case something goes wrong.”
“Ash, this is going to work.”
I let out a wounded huff for a laugh. “If we get out of here, I believe it will, but just in case, can you promise me that you will take Ryan and get out? Blow up the substation and run.”
“Ash—“ he started.
“Please…Jerek.”
He remained silent, and I wished I could see his face.
“Ryan deserves a life away from here if everything falls through,” I said.
“Dammit, I know she does. She deserves so much more than this, but what about you, Kane, and Sam? I can’t leave you here if something goes wrong.”
“If something goes wrong, then none of us are going to survive, anyway. You and Ryan might have a fighting chance if you leave after you blow it up. Please, Jerek.”
Quietness ricocheted off the walls again until I heard a thump, like something hitting the wall. “Okay,” he replied quietly, and silence fell once more for a small moment.
“It was Gabe that killed Rafe, wasn’t it?” I asked.
I wished more than anything that I could see Jerek’s face.
I heard him take a deep breath, and then he spoke. “We were best friends, the three of us, from the first day we came to the King’s school. We were there for Gabe when his mom died. We worked through a lot of shit together, with Rafe’s dad and Gabe’s mom. I never thought that anything could come between us. Except…King Maximus. He instilled such a root of duty instead of love in Gabe that he slowly grew more and more distant from us as the years passed. When Rafe found out that his dad died, and Ryan was alone, he requested to leave the army. All he wanted was to go home and take care of his sister. He never believed in any of what the King was doing. If he had known about the rebels, he would’ve been the first one that signed up. His captain told him no. Ryan was out there, living in the streets by herself, with nothing to eat. He was going to take her and run as far away as he could because he knew the penalty for desertion. He went to Gabe—thought there was something he could do to help.”
He paused, and I knew what was coming, but I was still afraid to hear it.
“Gabe went to the King—told him Rafe’s plan. He turned in his best friend. He chose duty over his friends—his family.”
An all-too-familiar feeling smacked me in the chest.
“That’s why I was so concerned for you. He’ll never pick you, Ash. Maximus has too strong of a hold on him. He doesn’t know what love is. He doesn’t even know what it means to have a family.”
“I know,” I whispered. “And you stayed this whole time to look after Ryan and get revenge?”
“Rafe was my brother.” Jerek’s voice wavered.
“I promise, if you take Ryan to safety, I swear to you, I will pay Gabe back for everything he has done. I will take everything away from him,” I said.
“Thank you, Princess. If I could give you a hug right now, I would.”
I chuckled. “And one more thing. Tell Ryan how you really feel already.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stammered, and a smile grew on my face.
“Sure ya don’t, buddy. ”
“You still annoy the shit out of me, just so you know.” He laughed.
“But I’m also like your best friend now, right?”
His laugh came out more like a snort. “Let’s just say, if you get killed, I might be a little sad.”
“A little sad? That it? Damn. You know how to wound a girl.”
“Fine. Maybe a tear would be shed.”
I laughed. “Just don’t die, okay?” I said, more seriously.
“Let’s just focus on getting out of here,” he answered.
I heard a door squeak open then and soldiers speak from Jerek’s side of the wall. “The King wants you in the war room.”
“Jerek, no!” I said loudly.
“It’ll be okay,” Jerek said quietly, before it sounded like he picked himself up off the bed. Footsteps sounded, and then the door shut, leaving me alone with my thoughts in utter silence, which was scarier than being trapped with another cougar.
I’d been in this cell for what felt like hours. Time moved too slowly. I paced the room, pulling at my braid and chewing my fingernails to nothing. I ruined everything. Jerek would die because of my foolishness. In the pit of my stomach, a sense of undeniable dread lingered. Kane would hate me forever for leaking anything. I hated myself for it .
I slammed my fists against the wall, pounding my head on the cool cinder blocks. How was it that we as people continued to give chance after chance to those we loved, even after they put us through the most devastating heartbreak? I wanted so badly to believe Gabe when he told me he’d do anything to make me happy. Was I so blinded by my need to be loved or feel less alone? Was I trying to save him and get back what we once had? Kane scared me—the feelings that Kane incited in my chest scared me. Old comforts were easier than reaching into the unknown. I wanted Diesel back more than anything, and realizing he was gone shattered something inside me.
Did I overestimate the power I had over him or how much he cared for me in the first place? Did I love him too hard and accept too little in return? Was my own self-worth so low that I accepted almost nothing? I wanted to save Gabe—fix him. But maybe I was the one that needed fixing; who really knew? All I knew was that locking up the blondes was wrong. The way this country operated was wrong. I learned that from Pop’s book.
There was no redemption left for Gabe. There was no saving him. Diesel was dead. I only hoped I hadn’t learned that too late—that I had found myself before everything was lost. Now that I knew whose side Gabe was truly on, now I could hurt him like he hurt me.
I pounded on the wall again, my tears staining the concrete below my feet.