61. Ash
Chapter 61
Ash
Sam pulled me along with him, and I gave up fighting, instead moving my feet with his until I stopped suddenly, yanking my arm free.
“Sam,” I demanded, my face soaked with tears.
“Please, Ash. We need to go.” I could see the grief reflected in his eyes.
“No, Sam. You have to go back for him,” I begged.
“I can’t.” He shook his head.
“Yes, you can. I saw all of Davis’s men die. No one knows you betrayed the King unless they saw you on the wall.”
His eyes jerked from left to right as he thought. “It was too dark. They didn’t see me.”
“Then you go back. Help him. Please. I am begging you. Tell them your father knocked you out when you were trying to do your job and protect me, and when you came to, you went straight back to the estate. Please, just make sure he lives.”
He ran his hand over the top of his hat. “I can’t leave you.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll go north. I’ll find Will. Please, Sam.” My begging knew no bounds. The moment he decided, his eyes flashed.
“You’ll be okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” I lied, ignoring the gaping wound on my abdomen. All that mattered was Kane. “I’ve lived in the winter woods my whole life. I’m better off here than anywhere else.” It was the truth, after all.
“Please, Sam.”
He slung the pack off his back and pulled a few things out before handing it to me. “There’s three weeks worth of food in here, a sleeping bag, and other bare essentials. Go to the Triad Mountains and find Briar Hollow. It’s a small town right outside of Croydon. That’s where Will is. Do you know your way?”
No, but I could figure it out. I nodded.
He cursed. “What am I doing? If he doesn’t die, he is going to kill me for leaving you.”
“Just make sure he doesn’t die.”
Sam placed his hand on my upper arm and squeezed. “There is more ammunition for your gun in the pack. Use it wisely.”
“Thank you, Sam.”
“It’s been a pleasure guarding you, Ash.”
And then he was gone, leaving me in the snowy woods with only a knife, a gun, and a backpack full of supplies. But more detrimentally, the large wound across my lower chest.
I fell on my knees in the snow, suddenly losing all my strength after Sam left. I was on my own again—I used to think that suited a person like me. Not anymore. I wanted my family back. I felt along my cheekbones, which still wet with tears. North. Will. I’d get my family back; I’d find my way back to Kane again. He wouldn’t die. These were the thoughts that I clung to and repeated over and over again as I stood and took one shaky step forward at a time as snow began to fall, covering the forest in eerie, beautiful silence.
Even after I remembered everything about Kane, my dreams were still filled with gray eyes. Gray eyes softening only when he spoke to me, gray eyes dancing with mischief, gray eyes draining of life.
That thought roused me from my slumber. My midsection throbbed painfully, and I was so cold. Wait, only my backside was cold I noticed as I lay on my side. My front felt strangely…warm. I peed myself in my sleep didn’t I? I blinked my eyes open, snow falling from my lashes. Whiteness stared back at me. Was I covered in snow? I peered closer, and the white looked like…fur?
I stirred, trying to arch my neck away and gain more perspective, but suddenly, the fur moved. It rose in front of me, and that’s when I saw the face of the great white wolf turn and stare at me. I scrambled backward, tightly gripping the gun that was still in my hand. The layer of snow that covered me fell to the ground, and I pointed the gun at the wolf. Was it only cozying up to me before it finished me off ?
The wolf stood before me and stared at the gun aimed directly at its head. It flattened its ears and bared its teeth like it was displeased at my threat. My hand shook on the cold metal of the gun, but I held my aim.
“Get away.” My hoarse voice came out barely above a whisper.
A deep grumble echoed from its chest, but it didn’t move forward.
“Go!” I shouted, a little louder this time. The wolf sank backward at my raised voice.
“Leave me alone!” I screeched. It took a long look at me, its ears coming forward, and then it dipped its head and took off into the forest.
As soon as it vanished, my hand fell to the ground, not having enough strength to keep the gun aimed. I swiveled my head, taking in my surroundings. I’d walked all night through the snowy forest, heading north, until I collapsed in a heap sometime early in the morning. I gauged it was about midday—the sun shone high in the sky. The snow hadn’t ceased, and fat flakes fell to the ground around me.
I had to keep moving. The soldiers would be after me soon, but hopefully, the snow would cover my tracks. I forced myself to stand and kept walking.
That evening, when I couldn’t walk another step, I built a small fire in a rocky outcropping that shielded me from the weather. It was time I looked at the wound across my abdomen.
I pulled Sam’s pack out and found a few medical supplies, including an antiseptic Jones had cleaned my other wounds with. The cut needed cleaning, or I’d surely get an infection and never make it to Croydon. I’d had an infection before. I didn’t want it to happen again.
Next to the firelight, I took my coat off and lifted my shirt, revealing Kane’s mangled shirt still wrapped tightly around my wound, covered in dried blood. I saw him fall from the gunshot again, and I blocked it out until I could get this cleaned.
My hands trembled as I peeled the cloth back. It stuck to my tender skin, and my eyes burned with tears when I all but ripped it off. It was hard to see the extent of the damage, but there was only one way forward. Get it clean. I lay back on my coat and prepared myself for the burning pain that would surely accompany the antiseptic. I shoved my coat between my teeth and clamped down hard. Then, I poured. Fiery pain lashed through my abdomen, and the coat muffled my scream. I kept pouring until the antiseptic was almost gone.
I lay there, breathing hard, with tears streaming down my face, until the pain had somewhat subsided. Then I took the gauze and wrapped myself back up, tying Kane’s shirt back around me. It was like a little piece of him remained with me as long as I had it.
My coat covered my shoulders once again, and I stared into the small popping fire, leaning back against the rock. A branch snapped beyond the orange flames, and my eyes whipped up, meeting the face of the white wolf. It was back, no doubt coming to finish off its prey .
I pulled out my weapon again and aimed at its head. The wolf didn’t react the same way it had this morning. It slowly crept forward, no teeth bared, no flattened ears—only wariness as it eased toward the fire.
“I’ll shoot,” I said.
It paid me no mind, but simply lay down on the other side of the fire and rested its head on its paws with its large, brown eyes staring at me. I should shoot it. I should kill it. It was only toying with me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Slowly, I dropped the gun, with my finger still on the trigger, just in case. The wolf didn’t move, but rather closed its eyes like it was only taking a rest for the night.
I sat and stared at the beast for long minutes. I’d never seen an animal behave this way. Had it been keeping me warm last night?
I finally looked away. If it was going to kill me, I guess it deserved it for the great game it played.
I took some jerky out of the pack and began chewing. If I was ever going to make it to the North, I needed my strength.
The wolf didn’t budge from its position, but it did put its head up and sniff the air, looking expectantly at the jerky in my hand. What was the deal with this wolf? It’d been stalking me since we left Cedar Hill. It’d saved me from Davis’s men that one night. It stalked me into the estate. Now it was here.
“What?” I asked with my mouth full.
The beast whined. Actually whined.
“You…want some?”
I flicked a piece of jerky across the fire, and the wolf greedily gobbled it up and looked at me for more.
“That’s all you get. We have a long way to go and not very much food.” I sighed. “If I had my bow, I could probably get us some food, but I don’t know how to hunt with this thing.” I nodded toward the gun.
I shook my head, ashamed of my own craziness. “Never mind, there is no us. You, I’m sure, can get your own food. Why the hell am I even talking to you?” I laughed. This was the most bizarre conversation I’d ever had. “Are you going to eat me in my sleep?”
The wolf did nothing but lay its head back down and close its eyes.
“You should leave,” I whispered. “You don’t want to be friends with me. Anyone who gets close to me dies.” My voice lodged in my throat. Ryan, Caleb, Jerek, Nan, Pop. The list of names that constantly ran through my mind. All dead because of me and…Kane. I bit my lip to try to hold it together. He’s not dead. Sam saved him. Maybe they were even closely following behind me on their way north as well. It was the only hope I had, and I clung to it, refusing to let go.
The morning sun twinkled through the forest, illuminating the snow-covered trees when I awoke still in one piece. I sighed. “It would have been easier if you ate me,” I grumbled to myself as the wolf had vanished again. Or maybe it was never really there to begin with.
The following days consisted of blizzards, sunny days, frozen toes, firelight, and the company of the white wolf at night. The only thing that kept me moving forward was the possibility of seeing Will again.
Soon, the wolf walked with me during the day too, following closely behind my heels or scouting in front of me, always looking back to make sure I followed. Did that thing know where we were going?
One night by the fire, the wolf inched closer to me than it ever had before. I fed it its nightly jerky and then stared into those brown eyes.
I tentatively put my hand out toward it, and it sniffed my hand before I leaned forward and stroked along the top of its head. The wolf’s ears lay back and its tongue lolled out, and I laughed.
“You’re just a big ol’ softy, aren’t you?”
The wolf crawled closer and rolled over on its back so I could rub its belly.
“You’re the weirdest wolf I’ve ever met, you know that?”
It looked up at me, upside down, with its tongue hanging out.
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I guess I should stop calling you ‘it’, since you’re a girl.”
The wolf rolled back over and peered at me, cocking her head to the side.
“What? You want a name?” I chuckled. “Well…let’s see. I feel like it should be something weird, like you.”
I thought for a minute. “Bertha, maybe.” The wolf growled, not threateningly, but obviously she wasn’t a fan of the name. “Okay, fine, maybe something more regal.”
I swear she tipped her chin up. I rubbed my palm over my face. This was it. This was the point where I went insane. I was naming a wolf, and I spoke only to her and pretended she spoke back with her body language. I stared up at the sky, the clouds clearing up for the night, revealing the moon and stars. A name came to me out of thin air.
“How about Nova?” I asked softly, my hand still stroking over her head. She didn’t growl this time, only looked back at me. “Okay, Nova it is then.”
She lay there for another moment, then she stood.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
She walked a few paces away from the fire, and then sat on her haunches, staring up into the sky. Then her howl split the night air. A howl that sounded so much like the one I heard right after we left Cedar Hill, echoing through my soul and shaking my very core, and I wondered if Nova was sent to me from those I loved on the other side. I couldn’t help but feel like her cry resonated through the sky and into the heavens, pulling strength and comfort from the people I’d lost and filling my soul with hope.
From that night on, we slept together for warmth, and I trusted Nova more than anyone I’d ever trusted.
We were getting close. We had to be. I’d never been this far north, but we had to be nearing Croydon. I got stronger every day, and the fever I expected from infection never came. I even found a willow tree and took some string in the pack and fashioned myself a new bow. It wasn’t great; it didn’t have enough time to dry, but it would do. The more weapons I had, the better .
Nova and I hunted together. Surprisingly, we made an excellent team. She’d chase the rabbits toward me, and I’d shoot them. The grief in my chest never subsided. The people I’d failed constantly ran through my mind, but I felt different. I believed there was something wild in every human, begging to be released. Man was not made to stay in the confines of walls for too long. We were made for something far superior, to hear the freezing wind whisper the tales of those who came before us, to feel the energy of the earth seeping up through our feet as we moved across the land, to use our bodies until we were exhausted. Only to wake and do it all again the next day, becoming stronger, faster, and finding willpower that was a little more invincible every day. That’s how you overcame your mind and dealt with the grief that tried to swallow you whole. The earth had a way of taking the anxiety and despair and replacing it with peace. The more capable of living off what the earth gave you you became, the less the whispered lies of weakness could creep into your thoughts.
I had changed. I wasn’t the little girl I was last year, desperate for love and belonging. The girl that fell in love with a man that didn’t know how to love me back. A man that didn’t know how to overcome the wounds of his past.
I was stronger, angrier, wiser.
I knew where I belonged now. I knew who my family was, and I would do anything to get them back, even if that meant joining them in the heavens.