Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Andi
Dear Diary,
I had a dream last night that Heath was on the ranch.
I was alone in the barn, and it was quiet and dark…
too dark. I fumbled around, trying to find the light switch, but when I did and flicked it on, he was there.
Just there. Not moving, not saying anything.
Just watching me with that look he used to give me when I’d upset him.
I tried to move my feet—tried to speak or scream, but all that came out was this pitiful strained moan.
Heath started walking toward me then, and I braced for what I knew was about to come. But before he could reach me, Zane stepped into the light.
He didn’t hesitate. Hell, he didn’t even look afraid. He just put himself between us like that’s where he belonged. There was no fight, no yelling. He just said to Heath that if he ever touched me again, it’d be the last thing he did.
And for whatever reason…Heath backed off, his menacing presence fading into the darkness.
Zane turned to me then, and instead of avoiding him like I’ve been doing outside of my dreamworld…I ran to him. He didn’t say anything, just held me and let me cry. And the whole time, I just kept thinking…I’m safe now.
That’s the part I can’t quite shake.
We’ve barely scratched the surface of being civil with each other, and now he’s showing up in my dreams as this symbol of calm and safety?
Why him? The only thing I can come up with is that maybe my brain just borrowed his shape to make the idea of safety more real.
It doesn’t mean I feel that way about him.
It doesn’t mean that anything has changed.
It was just a dream.
Right?
I stepped out onto the porch and lifted my hand to shield my eyes from the sun.
The late morning light spilled across the land, stretching over the pastures in a warm glow and making it look like one of those oil paintings from that old TV show where every tree had a personality and mistakes were just happy accidents.
A sigh fell past my lips as I thought about everything that had transpired since missing my turn to Heaven.
Maybe that’s what Tarnation was turning out to be—a happy little accident.
Off to the right, a blur of movement caught my eye, and I turned to see Norah riding one of the horses in a large, fenced area shaped like an oval.
Curious, I walked across the yard, watching as she and the horse flew across the enclosure and looped around a barrel in a formation so tight I thought they’d tip.
Then they raced to the next one, cutting the curve just as sharp, and again until they hauled ass back toward the gate.
She did it over and over, each round faster than the last. By the time I reached the fence, Norah spotted me and pulled up.
She trotted over, a little out of breath but beaming like she lived for this.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said. “I was just watching.”
“It’s fine,” she replied, swinging down from the saddle with an effortless grace that made me instantly jealous. “I was finishing up, anyway.”
“What exactly were you doing?” I asked, hoping it didn’t sound like a stupid question.
She ran her hand along the horse’s neck, giving it a few solid pats. “Exercising Cheyenne. We’ve got a rodeo coming up, and I want her in peak shape for the barrel racing competition.”
I didn’t fully understand the appeal of racing a horse around obstacles like that, but she looked excited about it, so I kept my thoughts to myself. “She looked fast,” I offered instead.
Norah beamed. “She is.”
She started toward the barn, and I fell into step beside her.
“I’ve got to cool her down and take her tack off. Want to walk with me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
We crossed the yard in comfortable silence.
The breeze carried the scent of dust and hay, and somewhere in the distance that devil of a rooster crowed.
I fought against the cold chill that slithered down my back—hello, trauma—and glanced at Norah, debating whether to say what had been lingering in the back of my mind for days now.
I’d noticed something early on and had talked myself out of asking more than once.
The last thing I wanted was to open the door to personal questions about me, but curiosity was a persistent little voice in my head—and today, it was louder than my hesitation.
“Hey, Norah?”
“Yeah?” she said, leading Cheyenne into the barn.
“Do you mind if I ask you something?” I paused, then added, “It’s kind of personal.”
Norah didn’t even flinch as she worked on replacing the leather harness thing secured around her horse's head—I had no idea what it was actually called—with a simpler-looking nylon one, minus the metal bar that had gone in the horse’s mouth, hanging nearby.
I watched her for a second, gathering my courage. “It’s more of an observation, really.”
“Wow, you’re really easing into it there, aren’t you?” The corner of her mouth twitched as she focused on removing Cheyenne’s saddle. “I’ve got nothing to hide, so ask away.”
Nothing to hide, as opposed to me who has everything to hide. “Why haven't I seen your dad around?”
The question hung in the air between us like dust in a beam of sunlight.
Norah blinked, then looked away, her voice softer now. “Oh. Um…”
“I’ve just noticed how close your family is.
You, your brothers, your mom...it’s obvious you guys have each other’s backs.
And I guess it just struck me the other day that I’ve never seen your dad around.
And maybe that’s none of my business, but I just…
” I held up my hand and scrunched my eyes closed as heat rushed to my cheeks, feeling like a jerk that I even bothered her with the question.
“You know, it really is none of my business. Just forget I asked, okay?”
Norah chuckled and gave a soft shake of her head. “You’re fine, really.” She didn’t sound upset, but she went quiet, carrying the saddle into a small room housed with similar horse things without another word.
When she came back, she tossed me a brush. “Here,” she said simply, grabbing one for herself and running it over Cheyenne’s golden coat. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve talked about him.”
I glanced down at the brush in my hand, then over at the horse.
I hadn’t realized how close I’d gotten. Cheyenne was massive—sleek and powerful—but there was a calm in her dark eyes that made me feel braver than I should’ve.
Slowly, I crossed to the other side of her and lifted the brush.
I dragged it gently along her back, trying to mimic Norah’s movements.
After a few strokes, I reached out with my free hand and gave her a small pat. She didn’t flinch. I smiled.
Norah’s voice pulled my attention back. “I don’t really remember him,” she said. “My dad.”
“Did he…die?”
She shook her head. “No. Nothing that tragic. At least not in the traditional sense.” She kept brushing, her rhythm steady.
“I just know him through stories I’ve been told.
My mom always wanted the ranch. My dad? Not so much.
” Norah gave a faint, dry laugh. “They were really young when they got married, and I don’t know all of the details but one day, he was just…
gone. Left a note on the table saying he’d met someone else, and that was it. ”
She didn’t say it with anger. More like someone reciting an open-wound memory that had long since scabbed over.
“That’s awful.” It felt inadequate, but it was all I had.
She shrugged. “I was only one, so I really don’t remember him at all. Luke was three and barely remembers anything. Zane’s the only one who really knew him, and I think that’s part of what turned him into the man he is today.”
I looked at her. “That must’ve been hard on him.”
“It was and still is to some effect. No one asked him to, but I think Zane felt he needed to step into the role our dad left behind. He was still a kid, but he acted like someone who had to hold it all together. He carries it around even now, twenty-some years later. It’s one of the reasons he struggles to trust people.
” She paused and looked down at her hands. “I guess you can’t blame him.”
I nodded. “No. I get it.” I hesitated, brushing absently, and was just about to ask about those other reasons when Zane and Luke rode up to the barn.
Zane was on a tall black horse, thin leather straps loose in his hand, rope looped over his shoulder.
He looked straight out of a movie and, unfortunately, he caught me staring.
He tipped his hat with a smirk, and heat rushed to my face.
I quickly dropped my gaze, hoping he hadn’t noticed the way my cheeks were definitely glowing.
“You boys get in enough practice?” Norah called out as she led Cheyenne toward the barn door.
“Sure did,” Luke replied. He patted the neck of his horse with pride. “Lady’s running like lightning. I think she’s even faster than Cheyenne.”
Norah scoffed. “Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.”
They kept up their banter while Zane dismounted and led his horse into the barn. He paused beside me, giving his horse a quick rub behind the ear.
“That’s a beautiful horse,” I offered, a little too eagerly.
“Thanks,” he said with a nod. “You know much about horses?”
“Not really,” I admitted. “What’s his name?”
“Cash.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Like…money?”
“After one of my favorite singers,” He grinned at my confused expression. “Johnny Cash,” he supplied.
“Oh. Right.” I nodded. “That makes sense.”
Zane chuckled softly, and I didn’t dare admit I had no idea who Johnny Cash was. “Want to help me brush him?”
“Sure.”
I ducked into the room with all of the horse stuff and grabbed the same brushes Norah and I had used earlier. When I returned, Luke was unsaddling his horse nearby.
“You gonna help me next?” he teased.
“Maybe,” I said, mimicking Luke’s tone, and handed one of the brushes to Zane. His fingers grazed mine as he took it and, just like that, the tiniest touch sent a jolt of warmth spiraling up my arm and straight through my chest.
Trying to focus, I asked, “So what were you guys practicing for?”
“Team roping,” Luke answered. “Zane and I compete together.”
Team roping? I didn’t know what that was, either, but I wasn’t about to admit it. “Sounds…exciting.”
Zane gave me a sideways look like he could tell I had no clue what it meant, but thankfully, he didn’t press.
Luke leaned casually against a stall and looked at me. “You ever competed in a rodeo?”
I blinked at him. “Uh…no. Can’t say I have.”
“You should try it sometime,” he said. “Bet you’d kill it in barrel racing.”
I laughed, though it came out more nervous than I intended. “I don’t know about all that, considering I’ve never even ridden a horse.”
The silence that followed was immediate and super uncomfortable. I glanced around and—yep—every one of them was staring at me.
“What?” I asked, frowning.
“You’ve seriously never been on a horse?” Norah’s brows shot up.
“Seriously,” I said, a little defensively. “Is that really hard to believe or something?”
Norah shook her head, still looking surprised. “It’s just rare around here, that’s all.”
Luke opened his mouth like he was about to tease me further, but Zane cut in smoothly before he got the chance. “If you ever wanted to learn,” he said, locking eyes with me over his horse’s back, “I’d be happy to teach you.”
Luke froze, which caught me off guard because he was usually the first to crack a joke or toss out an easy response.
But now his expression shifted, like Zane’s offer had thrown him for a loop.
Not in a jealous way, but more like he’d just realized his brother had swooped in first. He didn’t say anything, just stood there with an almost amused look.
I glanced at him, then back at Zane, unsure of what had just passed between them.
Something about the way Zane was looking at me—quiet, steady, patient—made it hard to breathe for a second. “I think I’d like that,” I said softly, unable to keep the smile from tugging at the corner of my lips.
He smiled back. And just like that, the dream I’d had last night came rushing back—the way he’d stood between me and Heath, the comfort of his arms…
We looked away at the same time.
Norah, always good at reading a room, gave Cheyenne a quick pat. “I’m gonna turn her out,” she said, heading for the pasture gate without waiting for a reply.
That left the three of us. Well, two of us, really.
Luke lingered, tugging the saddle from his horse, but his usual swagger had taken on a quieter edge.
He wasn’t smiling exactly, but there was a twitch at the corner of his mouth, like he was biting back a reaction.
Something about the way he watched Zane made me think he was piecing something together—and finding it pretty entertaining.
He caught my eye for half a second, then gave a small, knowing shake of his head.
And, without a word, he turned and disappeared into the supply room, the door swinging shut behind him with a thump.
Zane and I went back to brushing his horse in silence—the kind of silence that hummed just beneath the surface. Something had shifted; I could feel it. And if the look on everyone’s faces meant what I thought it did…I wasn’t the only one who noticed.