Chapter 17
Theo
Our marriage is progressing at an alarming pace. We now have a baby.
Not a real baby, obviously. Even Lars wouldn’t sink that low. But making us pretend to care for a baby is sinking lower than I’m personally comfortable with.
Lars and the guys are getting set up to shoot in the flat we’re supposedly staying in, so I walk to the balcony and throw open the doors. Apparently the storyline is “Theo and Rebecca watch a friend’s baby; hijinks ensue.”
Actually, there aren’t supposed to be any hijinks because we are, theoretically, responsible adults who love each other and can be trusted with someone’s child…a theory we are certain to prove categorically false.
“Okay, guys,” says Lars, walking up to us.
“We need to get this done before we lose the light, and just so you’re aware, we’re filming somewhat out of order.
There are going to be times when it’s afternoon and we’re pretending it’s morning and there are going to be times when we pretend it’s your honeymoon though you’ve been traveling for months.
Today is a bit farther down the line. When we edit it, it will be placed later and it’s the moment when the viewer starts to see the wheels coming off. ”
I raise a brow. “I’m not sure how carefully you’ve been watching, but they’ve been off for quite a while.”
Lars chuckles. “Right, but we can finesse that. Today, you’re hitting a major roadblock: the age difference.
We’ll take some stills, and then get some footage of the two of you out on the balcony with the doll,” he says.
“Viewers will love it. Then one of you—Theo, I suppose, since you’re at that age—can broach the topic and Bex can say she’s not ready.
When we do the one-on-ones, Theo will mention that it does worry him a little because he really wants kids and he’s not sure how long she’s going to make him wait. ”
Bex smirks. “You’ll look pretty foolish talking about wanting babies after I’m caught on film having sex in a ski lift booth next winter.”
There’s a sharp pinch of irritation in my chest. “Penciled in on your calendar already, is it?” I ask. “And I’m not sure I’m the one who’d look foolish.”
“Okay,” says Lars. “Just grab the doll and head out to the balcony, will you?”
My gaze sweeps from Bex to the remarkably lifelike doll. “Go ahead.”
“Why do I have to carry the baby?” she demands. “I already put in nine months to produce your monstrous offspring, not to mention the disaster it’s made of my vagina.”
“It seems to me the disaster it made of your vagina hurts me more than it hurts you. I’m the one who has to have sex with it.”
She stops in place, fighting a laugh. “Wow. Remind me never to have children with you.”
“I didn’t realize there was a risk of you having children with me,” I reply. “Apparently this trip is about to get a lot more interesting.”
“Yeah, you wish,” she says, but our eyes meet, and there’s a flicker of something between us. Something I’m going to pretend isn’t there for the time being but think about obsessively when I’m alone.
I carry the doll to the balcony as it’s clear Bex is a childcare shirker and Lars hasn’t yet realized that neither of us is fit to parent.
We are photographed holding the baby from several angles, and then they switch things up to film.
“Okay, let’s hear some actual discussion,” says Paula. “Let’s talk about having kids.”
My shoulders fall at the same time hers do. There’s no describing how badly I don’t want to have this conversation with anyone.
“We haven’t really discussed children,” I begin woodenly. “I assume you want them.”
She hitches a shoulder. “Your penis is so crooked and soft. Do you think it even works?”
I fight a smile. “And I imagine if you were capable of getting pregnant,” I reply, “you’d have trapped some pro athlete into marriage by now.”
She snort-laughs and covers her face in surprise. I smile, victorious.
“Guys,” groans Lars. “Please?”
We finally get through the requisite conversation, which we then have to shoot all over again when Jon tells us there was interference from a plane overhead.
While they set up a second time, I thrust the doll at Bex and walk to the far end of the balcony, where I lean against the rail.
“What’s the first thing you’re going to do when we get a divorce?” she asks dreamily, as if we are astronauts, longing for home.
“I imagine that’s fairly obvious,” I reply.
“Count your stacks of money and cry to a stripper about how much you miss me?”
I laugh. “Yes. Something like that. While I see you banging a meth dealer named Brick or Rocky who will suggest a threesome with his cousin at some point.”
“Brick would never,” she says, throwing the doll at me. “Not when his twin brother is already sitting there with his pants down.”
“This hardly seems like a fitting conversation in front of our child,” I say, tossing her the doll. “And it’s your turn.”
She sends it back to me. “It can be permanently your turn.”
“With my income potential? You should consider yourself lucky if I remember its name.” I pass it back like a football…one she fumbles.
The head snaps off.
“Lars?” she calls. “Theo just decapitated our baby.”
Lars is scowling. I sense we’ve gone too far.
“I can fix it,” I tell them, walking to where Bex stands.
She tries to jam the baby’s head back on, to no avail.
“Just hold it,” I hiss. “Hold the body and I’ll rest the head on your bicep.”
She tries…and the head rolls off and bounces right through the iron rails, across the street…and into the canal below.
Bex chokes on her laughter. “It’s okay, darling,” she says. “We can have another baby. A better one. I bet my ex-boyfriend can provide me a sturdier child.”
I have no idea why the fuck my smile fades. It’s almost as if the idea bothers me.
“If you were really my wife, I’d take you over my knee for a comment like that.”
She looks up at me from beneath her lashes. “If I was really your wife, you wouldn’t need to look for opportunities to spank me. I’d grant them freely.”
I exhale as if the air was just punched out of me and then walk inside to tell Lars we need a new child.
· · ·
When we’re done for the day, Lars motions us to a table while Katrina removes our mics.
“How’s your mom, by the way?” Bex asks him. “Did she go to the doctor?”
He smiles. “She did, and you were absolutely right. B vitamin deficiency. They gave her a shot.”
I stare between them, dumbfounded. I didn’t even know Lars had a mother, much less an ill one. Bex is effortlessly becoming a part of these people’s lives, while it’s never occurred to me they have lives outside of filming.
It’s getting harder and harder to understand how Jessie could have disliked Bex so much, whether she looks like her mom or not. No one can resist her.
“Anyhow, I’ve got some unfortunate news,” Lars continues.
I rub the back of my neck. “You seem to begin a lot of conversations this way.”
Lars laughs as if I was joking, then sobers.
“That storm system moving in is worse than we thought. They’re expecting torrential flooding by early tomorrow.
Everything we’ve got scheduled for the next few days is outdoors—the biking, the canoeing in Utrecht, the entire trip to Bruges.
I think we’ve got to cancel. The silver lining,” he continues, “is that Rebecca can now go with you to London for a day or two.”
My head jerks up. “What? No.”
“Look, you don’t need to be attached at the hip and she’ll stay at a hotel, but it does look strange that you haven’t been to London together since you got married. Go up there, meet your friends out for a quick drink. That’s it.”
“You’re making this sound far easier than it actually is,” I reply. “Rebecca and I cannot convince anyone who actually knows me that we’re together.”
“One drink,” says Lars. “Stay for a few minutes, imply that you’re desperate to be alone with your wife, and you’re out. You guys are capable of this.”
I’m horrified while Bex appears…gleeful? Intrigued? “I’ll try not to mention the way you decapitated our baby,” she says.
That isn’t even in the top ten things I’d need her not to mention.
But I’m more worried about what my friends will mention to her.