Chapter Three
[LIVE] EXPLORE FOLLOWING FRIENDS FOR YOU
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one hour ago
LIV CARPENTER’S HILAR MELTDOWN PART TWO – NEW FOOTAGE TRANSCRIBED!!!
Waiter 2: Oh god, she’s coming back.
Waiter 1: Erm, madam—
LC: I would like another piece of cheesecake, please.
Justin: What are you doing, Liv? Come back to insult more of my mum’s soft furnishings?
LC: [still speaking to the waiter] I REALLY LIKED THAT CHEESECAKE, PLEASE brING ME ANOTHER SLICE. I JUST GOT DUMPED AND I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE PUDDING PLEASE.
Waiter 1: Coming right up, madam.
LC: PLEASE STOP CALLING ME MADAM, I’M ONLY JUST 31.
Waiter 1: Sorry… miss? I’ll get you some cheesecake.
LC: Unless you found some tiramisu?
Waiter 2: No.
LC: I really like cream. It doesn’t sit well with me, but I love it.
*sound of chair scraping across floor*
Justin: [sighing] What are you doing now?
*cutlery clattering*
Justin: Come out, Liv, you can’t hide under the table.
LC: Why not? I’m going to enjoy my cheesecake under here – is that a crime? I happen to like eating under the table. This is where I eat most of my meals.
Justin: [inaudible]
Waiter 1: Here’s your dessert, madam, er, miss. On the house.
Justin: Please come out.
LC: No! I’m not coming out. I’ve chipped my Shellac getting under here, I can’t risk ruining another nail crawling out. Look at this one, it got broken! On a spoon!
Justin: Please, Liv.
LC: Are you cheating on me? Is that why you’re dumping me?
Justin: No.
LC: So, you just don’t fancy me anymore?
Justin: [inaudible]
LC: Well, you should know your penis isn’t even that great. I know I said it was, but I say that to every guy I sleep with, and I was totally lying in your case. It’s not even in the top three of penises I’ve seen. I wouldn’t even say top fifty actually.
Justin: [inaudible]
LC: Don’t slut shame me! I had a very prolific university era, thank you.
Justin: [inaudible]
LC: Do you remember when I got you that supercar driving experience for Christmas, Justin? You said I was the best girlfriend ever. Was that just a lie? And I came along to watch even though it was the most boring day imaginable.
Justin: You said it was fun.
LC: I was lying, Justin. I was trying to be the best girlfriend ever, because that’s what you said I was. Well, I want that souvenir model car I bought you back.
Justin: You can’t just take gifts back, Liv.
LC: [through mouthfuls of cheesecake] You’ve taken back your love, so I can take Percy the Porsche back.
Waiter 1: Can I get you anything else, mada— miss?
LC: No, I’m done with this cheesecake and I’m done with this man. Please bring me the bill, I’m paying. Like always.
Justin: [muttering] Not always…
LC: [table scraping on floor] Oh! And yes, for the record, I would like to insult more of your mum’s soft furnishings.
THEY’RE FUCKING HORRIBLE. WHY WOULD SHE HAVE SO MANY PURPLE SCATTER CUSHIONS?
AND I DON’T NEED TO BE TOLD TO LIVE OR LOVE OR LAUGH WHEN I’M IN THE DOWNSTAIRS SHITTER.
IT WOULD BE FUCKING WEIRD TO BE LAUGHING WHILE HAVING A POO ACTUALLY.
WEIRD, JUSTIN. AND REMEMBER HOW SHE BOUGHT ME ONE OF THOSE SIGNS FOR CHRISTMAS AND I LAUGHED POLITELY WHEN SHE WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT HOW FUNNY IT WAS THAT IT SAYS LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH WHEN I’M CALLED LIV?
WELL, IT WASN’T ACTUALLY FUNNY AT ALL, JUSTIN.
I WAS LIE-LAUGHING. I WAS LIV, LIE, LAUGH.
Justin: [stunned silence]
LC: LIV, LIE, FAKE LAUGH, JUSTIN. THAT WAS OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP.
[watch again?]