Chapter Seventeen
YOUR ANGER JOURNAL
“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one”
– Benjamin Franklin
Wednesday:
What happened?
My ex, Justin, came to drop some stuff off and didn’t even seem bothered about the situation or about seeing me.
How did you feel?
Truly crappy. Inadequate. Worthless, pointless, useless. Less.
What was the trigger?
Seeing myself through his eyes and finding myself woefully lacking. Seeing how little our whole relationship – or the last year – meant to him.
Thursday:
What happened?
Sam left her wet washing all over the radiators in the flat and the whole place stank of damp all night. I couldn’t sleep and then overslept so I almost missed my train.
How did you feel?
Irate, grossed out, and exhausted.
What was the trigger?
Someone else’s thoughtlessness and my inability to point it out calmly. I want to be able to handle something like that rationally without letting it get to me. It’s been sitting like a knot in my stomach ever since. And it still smells in the living room.
Friday:
What happened?
I tried to cook some chicken fajitas for a dinner party, and it was a disaster. Does everyone just know you’re not meant to warm up kale for a salad?
How did you feel?
Really frustrated and stupid. And outraged at the prices Domino’s charges for a bit of bread and cheese. Deal Wizard my arse.
What was the trigger?
Feeling out of my depth, I think. I’ve always felt like my brain is the one thing I have.
I can’t be the coolest or prettiest person in the room, but I like to feel like I’m one of the brightest. Feeling like I’m not good at something really bothers me.
It also makes me think about my mum and whether she ever tried to teach me to cook. I don’t remember.
Saturday:
What happened?
I went to this book podcast, Q&A event thing – just a random thing I saw advertised, totally randomly. But at this random thing, there was a woman – a random woman – who made me angry. Just randomly.
How did you feel?
Jealous. Impressed. Sexually confused.
What was the trigger?
I think it was seeing this woman being so happy with herself. She handles all these complicated things with such ease and it makes me angry. I want to be better at my life. I want to be her.