Chapter Thirty-One
Edward is standing there, in front of me, real and solid. I feel like I haven’t seen him in years, and it takes all my willpower not to throw myself into his deceptively big, burly arms. I step inside the lift, trying not to stare, taking in his familiar shape.
‘Liv?’ he questions; surprised to see me, and I find myself unable to speak for a moment. All the excitement and energy from a moment ago has frozen in my chest and I can’t think how to say any of it. I had all the words ready back in my office with Sam, and now all I have are squeaks.
‘Hi,’ I squeak.
He presses the ground floor button, and I stare at it in a panic as the doors shuffle closed.
My first instinct is to throw myself into his arms and kiss him.
To have that moment again. That kiss we shared in his parents’ hallway was so genuinely glorious.
I could’ve kissed him for hours, doing nothing more than enjoying that feeling of his rough lips against mine; his hands on my face and back.
That kiss… it felt – I don’t know – pure.
It was kissing for the sake of kissing. Kissing for kissing’s sake.
I wanted more, obviously I did because I’m human and it was amazing but – in the moment – it felt like everything.
It was sort of simple and beautiful. It was how kissing is meant to feel.
How kissing hasn’t ever felt for me – not properly. And I so want to do it again.
Instead, I clear my throat. ‘How are things?’ I ask, feeling the horrible hollowness of small talk ringing through my words.
Our last session was just days ago. We talked in so much depth about the darkest corners of my life and now I’m treating Edward like the delivery driver dropping off my washing powder subscription.
But that feels like aeons ago and everything is different now.
It’s clear he hears the strangeness in my tone, too, because he laughs lightly. ‘Things are, you know, pretty good. How about you?’
So formal. It’s bizarre.
‘Well, I…’ I glance frantically up at the digital display. Fuck! We’ve nearly made it to the ground floor already. What idiot made lifts so quick?
I turn to face him because it’s now or never. And I can’t do never. The old Liv would’ve done never; she would’ve found another Justin.
‘I…’ I try again and he regards me quizzically.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asks nicely and I nod, unable to speak.
‘Everything is really okay!’ I tell him in a rush.
‘Actually, Edward, I just stood up for myself to a bully in a queue and everyone joined in. We scared a man with a tiny penis and it was brilliant. Maybe he won’t push in next time, or maybe he’ll reconsider parking in a disabled bay.
’ I shake my head, laughing a little as I think of his number plate.
‘Big Boy!’ Edward looks totally confused by this, so I keep speaking.
‘What I mean to say is that everything we’ve talked about in our sessions has really helped me.
Knowing you, talking to you, has really helped me and—’
The lift dings loudly and the doors begin to open. I reach over and press the close button.
‘What are you—’ he asks, eyebrows drawn together, but I’m already choosing the top floor again. We start our ascent, and he looks flustered. Is this a kidnapping? Surely it wouldn’t rise to that level. If the police wish to categorise it, it would be a simple lift-napping, nothing more.
‘Sorry, I just need another minute with you,’ I say quickly, and he frowns. It makes me giggle. ‘Edward, your resting bitch face is really Karen-ing right now.’
This makes him smile and I take a deep breath, trying to re-start the speech I can’t remember a word of.
‘You know, spending time with you has really dampened my enjoyment of Taylor Swift,’ I tell him as he looks ever more baffled.
‘Say what you will for awful men who ruin your life, but they definitely make her songs more relatable.’
‘Who’s Taylor Swift?’ he asks, eyebrows raised, and I feel a squawk of abject horror making its way up my throat – until I remember the Twilight prank.
He’s messing with me. A playful smile is fighting through the wide, innocent expression, and I laugh.
Edward clears his throat now. ‘Look, I’m really not sure I’m following a lot of this,’ he says and I sigh.
Why am I talking about Taylor Swift and queue bullies when all I want to do is tell this man I like him? I’m really messing this up.
The lift dings as we arrive back at the top floor again and I groan at it with frustration. The doors open and Edward waits, looking at me expectantly.
I reach over and hit all the buttons this time, ground floor to three. The doors obligingly shut and down we go. Again.
‘Look,’ I begin, trying to steady my breathing.
‘You told me I should start being honest about my feelings.’ He turns to mirror my position, regarding me curiously.
I continue in a flurry of silly words, ‘And I know I’m really only at the start of my therapy journey.
I’m going to carry on with my sessions and my work, but with someone else now.
’ An expression flickers across his face, and I quickly add, ‘Not because you’re not great.
You’ve been so great! I will totally five star you on Google reviews or whatever, but I need to…
I have to…’ I take a deep breath, the lift doors dinging, shuffling open, then shuffling closed as it moves through the floors.
I’m getting a bit travel sick and surely he’ll start getting annoyed if I keep him lift-napped much longer.
I only have seconds until we reach the ground floor again.
‘Right, Edward, you know how you and your family love Grand Designs? And you know how I said I can’t watch it because I find it too frustrating when Kevin gets you really invested in a project and then takes you around for a final look but it’s miles away from being finished?
It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but I am an unfinished Grand Designs project. ’
He points at me. ‘GRAND DESIGNS.’
I smile. ‘That’s me. I have a long way to go yet, but I can see so many good bits glimmering in here.
When I’m done, I’m going to be worth all the expense and time.
I’m going to be great. And you’ve helped me see that.
I have to do the rest without Kevin and the camera crew but being around you makes me want to be the best version of myself.
You even make me like myself as an unfinished project.
Do you get it? You’ve helped me see that I could be…
pulchritudinous.’ I search his eyes, hoping he gets it.
‘You’re the… water tower?’ he offers in a murmur, and I shake my head.
‘I hope not,’ I sigh. The lift dings at the first floor. One more to go. I need to stop using in-joke metaphors, it’s too confusing.
‘Edward, we’ve finished our six sessions now, haven’t we?’ I ask and he nods.
‘Yes, Liv, and I’ve emailed the Morning Tea producer Spencer to let him know you’ve completed your sessions but—’
‘You have?’ I feel my face light up. So, we’re officially done as therapist and therapee – and I should be getting my job back! ‘That’s brilliant, and it means—’
‘Look,’ he tries to interrupt. ‘I have to talk to you about something, Olivia. It’s something I’ve been trying to explain for a while now.’
He looks uncomfortable and it hits me that he’s going to say it, too. He likes me! He’s wanted to tell me for a while!
But I want to be first to say this. I want the chance to be honest.
I grin. ‘No, let me,’ I say, raising a hand. ‘If we’ve finished our sessions and you’re no longer my Grand Designs therapist, then there’s no reason we can’t give this a go.’
His eyes widen as I gesture between us. ‘I have to—’
‘Please don’t start with all that transference crap again, Edward,’ I plead.
‘Because my feelings are real, I know they are. And you can’t deny that kiss we had at your parents’ house.
It was amazing and it felt so right. I’m not mad, am I?
You felt it, too, didn’t you? Don’t tell me it was all one-sided. ’
He takes a deep breath. ‘Yes,’ he says at last. ‘It was… incredible. And I have feelings for you, too, Liv – really fucking strong feelings actually – but I have to—’
‘I know we have to,’ I say quickly. The lift is nearly at the ground floor and I reach out, ready to again jab at the close doors button.
I just need one more minute. ‘And I know this is a huge thing. We’ve been intimate as client and therapist and it’s not as easy as just deciding to move past that.
I know it’s a process and we’d have to work through it.
It will be slow – unlike this sodding lift – and it will be difficult, and we’ll have to re-learn about each other as real people again.
’ I swallow hard, my eyes searching his.
‘But honestly? Edward? I really don’t want to bother with any of that.
I just want to be kissing you right now.
’ I don’t wait for him to reply or respond.
Instead, I move in. I put my hand on his face, feeling the warmth of early stubble there. And then I reach up and kiss him.
It is easily as good as the last time. Maybe – unbelievably – even better. He kisses me back now, dropping his bag and wrapping his arms around me tightly. We pull closer, my head spinning and the whole world dropping away.
The ding of the lift pulls me back and we stop at last, staring blindly at one another for a second. I can’t feel my body, everything feels far away; spinny and drunk.
In those milliseconds as we pull apart, I stare at his face in wonder. Somewhere in my brain, a kind of peace settles over me. I feel the full body relief of having said the words I wanted to say, I feel the joy of finally being honest. I feel the excitement of having kissed this man I like.