Chapter 2
CHAPTER TWO
The sun rose slowly in the sky. Time continued to move forward even when I wanted to turn it back or halt it altogether.
The golden color washed away the inky blue night and bathed the landscape in a warm fiery glow.
It was the dawning of a new day, but nature’s beauty couldn’t erase the dread that consumed me.
We’d gathered everyone at the very spot that Jennifer, Shitty Ritchie and Alana Catherine had been taken from.
If life hadn’t been spiraling out of control, I would have laughed watching everyone climb out of the trees that the Higher Power had flung them to.
I heaved a huge sigh of relief as my dogs came sprinting out from the tree line as well.
“Since I was suspended from a rather leafy branch, I’d like to verify that I did indeed witness Shitty Ritchie ingesting the Higher Power,” Tim said, framing his words carefully. “And then something that resembled a weaker Higher Power materialized and took the true Higher Power?”
“That would be fuckin’ correct,” Candy Vargo confirmed.
“Got it,” Tim choked out in a whisper.
It was unclear if the group was in shock, in stupefied awe or simply gob smacked at the horrifying turn of events. I was a combination of all three.
Our home was literally dust and ash under our feet.
I didn’t care. A house was a thing. It could be rebuilt.
A life was very different. The Demon guards were on the ground sniffing the area like dogs looking for clues.
My fur balls, Donna and Karen, helped them.
Donna was a Hell Hound and Karen was a doofy lab who copied whatever her furry sister did.
I wasn’t sure if it was helpful, but I wasn’t going to say no to anything that could aid in getting my daughter, Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie safely back.
The conversation was intense.
After discussing Shitty Ritchie’s unsavory move that had ended the Higher Power, Candy, Gideon and I described the weaker being who claimed to replace It. That piece of the puzzle confounded everyone.
“I’ve never heard even a whisper over the centuries that the original Higher Power was a more than one,” Charlie ground out. His eyes flashed an icy and furious blue. “It makes no sense that no one knew this information.”
“I concur,” Tim agreed. “This is news to me. However, if it is true, I would surmise that the Higher Power who now resides in Shitty Ritchie’s intestines didn’t want us to know.”
Tim was excellent at planting visuals that needed therapy or a copious amount of alcohol to delete.
“I tell you what,” Candy Vargo snapped, shoving so many toothpicks into her mouth I was sure she’d stretched her lips beyond repair. “Tom Hanks sure is a motherfucker.”
“Oh my,” June said. “I really like Tom Hanks—the actor,” she clarified quickly, “not the fake Tom Hanks.”
Candy handed June a toothpick from between her teeth. June took it politely because she was that kind of gal. However, it went nowhere near her mouth.
“I was talkin’ about the fake shart, not the award-winning actor,” Candy told her.
An eerie silence ensued. No one was sure what to say. We were in unchartered territory. What we needed to do was go after the being who had taken the rightful Higher Power.
And then a new and disgusting twist hit me.
“Oh my God,” I muttered, pressing the bridge of my nose.
All eyes shot to me. Crap. A question bounced in my mind like a lead ball shot through a cannon. It was repulsive, but it had to be discussed. “Umm… I need Candy to… umm… Actually, if Candy could tell us…” The subject of my question was so bad, my brain couldn’t find the words.
“Spit it out,” Candy Vargo snapped with an eye roll. “What do you need me to do, jackass?”
I blew out a loud raspberry, shut my eyes and went for it. “When you ate the Angels, they didn’t die. You… crapped them out. Whole. And alive. Umm… right?”
No one said a word. However, I could literally hear the wheels turning in all the minds present.
Long ago, Candy had battled with four of my siblings.
They’d been ordered by Zadkiel to destroy her.
That didn’t work for Candy. Since they’d ripped off her arms and legs, she decided to eat them.
The part that was too complicated to understand was that they were alive and well today.
Gabe, Rafe, Prue and Abby had a somewhat friendly-ish truce with the Keeper of Fate.
The mechanics and logistics of what had gone down were too complex for me to truly understand. But magic wasn’t logical.
Gideon’s brow furrowed and his expression was alarmed.
Tim scribbled furiously on his ever-present notepad.
Heather appeared to want to puke. Charlie stared at the sky and inhaled deeply.
Gram and Gramps hovered in the air above me.
Gram’s papery transparent hand rested on my shoulder.
I was sure she was trying to comfort me, but very little could do that right now.
The Demons along with Zander and Catriona, were confused but didn’t ask for details. They obviously hadn’t heard about the cannibal episode. Lucky them.
However, I had, and I had real concerns.
“So, that leads me to the next part.” I kept going, trying to keep both my tone and my expression neutral. “Is there a chance that Shitty Ritchie could… umm… crap the Higher Power out? Whole and alive?”
“Fuck,” Candy Vargo said, paling considerably. “Did anybody notice if the tiny shite chewed when he ate Tom Hanks?”
I looked at Gideon. He shrugged. The Grim Reaper wasn’t sure if Shitty Ritchie had chewed. My answer was the same.
“I think I was in shock,” I admitted. “He could have chewed. Why?”
“The chewing is important,” she hissed. “If he chomped fast. If he chomped slow. If he fuckin’ chomped at all.”
“Oh my God,” I said, bewildered. “Are you freaking serious?”
Candy Vargo had opened a fresh box of toothpicks.
She spit out the wad in her mouth and replaced them.
With each word she spoke a pick came flying out.
“If he chewed Tom Hanks up completely, then Tom Hanks is a goner. On the other hand, if he munched without shredding him, it’s up in the air.
If the shit stain just swallowed him whole, then, yes, he could potentially pass the Higher Power through his butthole. ”
My mouth moved without my brain’s permission. “I don’t think Shitty Ritchie’s butthole could poop out an entire person.”
“I’d have to agree with that assessment,” Tim chimed in.
“And I didn’t think the tiny turd could eat a person in one bite—chewing or no chewing,” Candy shot back.
“Plus, when I expelled the Angels out of my poop chute, it wasn’t like they came out in one fuckin’ piece.
It was more like a random appendage here, a brain there, a kneecap, an elbow, a spinal cord.
BUT, because I didn’t actually chew the jackasses into a gelatinous pulp, they were able to reform with magic.
Get it? The chewing is the key to life or permanent death. ”
“Excuse me,” Heather choked out as she sprinted to a cluster of bushes that hadn’t been destroyed and emptied the contents of her stomach.
How in the hell was this conversation even happening?
“Okay. Okay, moving on,” Charlie said, trying to reel the conversation back in to something productive. The fact that he gagged a few times as he spoke made Heather throw up again. I was half ready to join her. “I think we’ve heard enough of the graphic details.”
“Daisy asked,” Candy Vargo pointed out.
“I regret that,” I muttered.
Charlie continued after clearing his throat six times. “Here’s what we know, Shitty Ritchie ate the Higher Power. Then a freakish being appeared claiming to be the Higher Power showed up, got pissed when it heard about the true Higher Power, and then kidnapped them. Right?”
“Yes,” Gideon confirmed.
“Here’s what we don’t know,” Charlie said.
“Welp, that list is gonna be fuckin’ long,” Candy muttered.
Heather rejoined the group. She didn’t look good. Hell, none of us looked real good right now. The chance of someone else losing their cookies was high. The Demon guards had quietly put a healthy distance between themselves and Candy Vargo.
Charlie ignored Candy’s comment as did the rest of us.
“We don’t know if the being is lying. We don’t know where the thing took Alana Catherine, Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie.
And… we don’t know if Shitty Ritchie chewed when he ate the Higher Power.
Therefore, we’re unsure if the Tom Hanks version could be expelled from Shitty Ritchie’s rear end. ”
The conversation was absurd. Unfortunately, it was real.
Running my hands through my hair, I addressed the group. “We need to leave.”
“And go where?” Charlie demanded.
“The Higher Power’s plane,” Gideon ground out. He was wound tight and about to go off.
“That could potentially be a waste of time,” Heather pointed out, with her hand over her mouth. I wasn’t sure if she was sparing us from her breath or if she was going to throw up again.
I reached into my pocket, pulled out a piece of gum and handed it to her. She took it gratefully.
“Or, maybe it’s not a waste of time,” Tim added. “If this being was trapped by Tom Hanks for billions of years, it might go back to what it’s familiar with.”
“Why in the hell would the creepy fuck be familiar with that plane if it was locked in a box for gadzillions of years?” Candy Vargo grunted.
We were getting nowhere fast. However, we kept going. There was no other choice.