TEN #4
They were worried about Jio and could tell that he hadn’t been his usual self lately.
“You love her.”
The statement came out casually, pulling Jio’s attention away from the target in front of him.
“There it is,” he muttered.
Kadeer smirked. “What?”
“The bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit, your feelings matter nigga,” he kept it real.
Jio ejected the magazine from his weapon and began reloading it without looking up. The repetitive motion gave him something to focus on besides the conversation.
Across from him, Salim shrugged. “Everybody knows you love her.”
“I never said I didn’t.”
The words slipped out before he could stop them.
Both men looked surprised.
“What?”
For a second, Jio stared at both of them before shaking his head.
“Yall acting like that’s new information though.”
“It kinda is,” Kadeer told him.
Salim nodded, “Normally, you say some gangsta shit, threaten somebody, and then change the subject.”
A reluctant smile tugged at Jio’s mouth but it disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Because the truth was that everything somehow led back to Nina these days.
Everything was connected to her; his thoughts, memories, and plans. Down to the future he envisioned that included her. Somewhere along the way, she had stopped being a part of his life and had become woven into all of it, which may have been the problem.
He hadn’t realized how much space she occupied until she left and now it seemed as if she was everywhere.
On the empty side of the bed.
In the books scattered around the penthouse and at the coffee shop he’d pass on Tuesday mornings because she liked the croissants.
In every damn song that came on the radio.
He considered her in all of his decision making.
She’d left a permanent mark on his heart and now that she was gone, he didn't know what to do with all the places she used to occupy.
“Damn bro.” Kadeer saw him struggle with his emotions.
Jio looked over at him. “What?”
“You really hurting.”
Normally, he would’ve laughed it off or cracked a joke, followed by telling him to mind his business, but not this time. Instead, he stared at the range before him while the target moved slowly back and forth on the track.
Finally, he sighed so heavily that it felt as if it’d been derived from the pit of his soul. “I think I lost the best thing that ever happened to me,” he admitted painfully.
The words surprised even him. No one spoke because they were shocked to hear Jio talk like that. He rarely talked about women, let alone relationships…especially since he didn’t partake in those. Talking about his feelings had always been off limits.
Yet, there he was standing in the middle of a gun range looking like somebody had stolen his last brick.
Jio had fucked up by not showing her how he felt while he had her but he wouldn’t ever make that mistake again.
Before her, staying alive and getting money were enough for him. Nina removed the limitation from his goals. She encouraged him to reach for the sky.
As long as people respected him and his family was taken care of, he figured he was winning…but then Nina came along asking questions nobody else ever dared to ask.
What do you actually want?
Who are you when nobody's watching?
When does enough become enough?
What do you value the most?
Where do you see yourself in five years? Will you be alive?
She challenged everything that came with him; his mindset, his good and bad habits, and damn near every decision he ever made came with a variety of questions.
Most importantly, she challenged the version of himself he had spent years convincing everybody else to fear.
For the first time in his life, somebody saw straight through him, and instead of running away, she stayed… at least she had for a while.
Now she was gone and he didn’t know if she ever planned on returning.
The brothers exchanged a look, neither knew what to say. Which was probably for the best.
Jio didn’t need advice because that shit wouldn’t bring her back.
A few hours later, the three of them ended up at the strip club. The destination had Kadeer’s fingerprints all over it. According to him, no problem in the history of mankind had survived liquor, music, and beautiful women. Jio was starting to think his brother might be full of shit.
The club was packed and music thundered through the building and dancers floated across stages beneath flashing lights. Bottles arrived at tables every few minutes. Men laughed louder than necessary, and women pretended to be interested in conversations they weren’t listening to.
On paper, it was guaranteed to be a wild night. For Jio, it should’ve been… it could’ve been since this was where he had the most fun. He loved the strip club and the strippers loved his trickin’ off ass right back. But tonight, he sat quietly in VIP staring out at the crowd.
A dancer settled beside him at one point, draping her long leg across his shoulder, trying to get his attention. Another stopped by the table and asked him to buy her a drink and some wings. These hoes were crazy.
He barely looked at any of them. The entire place felt strangely empty although it was packed wall-to-wall with people, which was when it dawned on him that no one he laid eyes on were Nina.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” He was ashamed and disgusted.
It wasn’t that they weren’t bad bitches because they were drop-dead gorgeous.
Probably prettier than Nina. Their asses were fat.
They were young, dumb, and easy to get, but he knew what he once had, and these hoes couldn’t dare compare to her.
They wouldn’t be able to challenge or inspire him. They lacked motivation. He didn’t believe any of them would want to make him better.
Most importantly, none of them mattered.
A year ago, a pretty face and a nice body would've been enough to distract him for the night. Now it felt like work.
When one of the dancers leaned over and asked if he was okay, Jio laughed because the irony wasn’t lost on him.
The answer was, “No.”
He wasn’t okay at all and sitting in a strip club pretending otherwise suddenly felt ridiculous.
By midnight, he’d had enough. He left his fam behind and headed home alone.
The penthouse greeted him with silence and it wasn’t the peaceful kind.
The quiet reminded him that he was lonely.
Jio even missed her dog Nino. They both were missed.
Her blanket still sat folded over the couch exactly where she’d left it.
One of her books remained on the coffee table.
Her favorite mug sat near the sink. Pieces of her everywhere served as little reminders that she was here, but she fuckin’ wasn’t.
Jio walked through his penthouse before eventually stopping in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Manhattan. The city was alive beneath him, millions of people all with dreams and opportunities. Out of all the women that lived in New York, he only wanted one.
His phone sat on the kitchen island. He kept turning around to stare at it before he went over to pick it up. Scrolling to Nina’s name took less than a second. Calling her would've taken even less time.
His thumb hovered over the screen, he could practically hear her voice already.
Truthfully, he wasn’t sure which outcome would hurt worse.
The phone rang three times before he hung up.
“No,” he said aloud firmly.
The word came out as a warning for him to leave her alone for real this time.
Not because he wanted to, but because it was what she wanted.
For the first time in his life, he respected a person enough to give them what they needed instead of what he wanted.
Especially since Nina didn’t leave because she stopped loving him, she left because she wanted to love herself just a little bit more.
At least that’s how Ephrem described it, which helped him finally understand the difference.
Tomorrow he would get back to work. He needed to refocus and handle business that had fallen to the wayside. Jio had money to make and he couldn’t keep moping around. According to Ephrem, she’d been busy as ever. If she wasn’t neglecting her future, he wouldn’t be doing so either.
The streets had taught him a long time ago that distractions got people killed. It made niggas careless and somehow could easily make you lose focus and forget the mission. He couldn’t have that.
Jio leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. He felt a tear or two fall down his face as Nina's laugh echoed through his memory.
“Hoes are distractions,” he mumbled bitterly as he thought about his baby and her beautiful smile… “Nina included.”
It was time to get back to being a made man.