Diary entry
Grace
Is this the life I imagined at fifteen?
Far from it.
Because the life I imagined included my parents and my siblings.
In that life, we were a big, happy family who came together at Thanksgiving.
But after all the horrors I went through, I managed to crawl out of that darkness and grief and find the girl suffering deep inside me, waiting for my help.
And without him, I never would’ve made it.
Chase Baker.
The man I fell in love with twelve years ago—the man who still looks at me with adoration in his eyes.
His obsession, the whirlpool of desire in his gaze, never subsides.
Not for a second. We moved to Merriam three years ago.
We bought the house I’d always dreamed about.
We renovated it and filled it with beautiful things.
We cut off the appalling horrors of the past with our own hands and buried them deep.
Never again did I say to him that I hated him.
The day when I opened my heart to him completely and whispered against his lips that I loved him, that I was in love with him, the heavens gave us a gift. I truly believe our love was fulfilled that day, sealed forever, because in 2010 our daughter, Nicole Elisabeth Baker, was born.
When our daughter asks us how we met, I’ll tell her we met at school—and that our love has been going ever since.
I’ll replace the blackness with color, fill it with light and warmth.
Our past will become what I once imagined it could be.
Because with Chase by my side, I can be that girl with dreams and desires again.
For our daughter, I’ll fill the gaps with those dreams, because I don’t want her to see her dad as a monster.
Because even though this love is dark, and needed blood and sacrifices to be born, it was never just blackness—nor was it only pink clouds.
There were trials and happy moments alike.
And dreams really can come true. After all those horrors, I was given the life I’d always dreamed about: a caring husband who’s crazy about me, kids whose laughter will fill the garden, and a playful, funny dog everyone loves.
“Mom!” my daughter shouts from the swing Chase built for her as I’m writing these lines. He’s a real handyman. Soon, there will be a whole playground in our backyard.
I wave back, smiling. Chase flashes me that wide, charming smile of his—the one that makes my womb clench.
That maddening lock of hair falls into his forehead, pulling me back in time.
To our first kiss, to the van—and sometimes, to my underground prison.
I’m glad we didn’t burn this diary. We both like to write our thoughts in it.
And I smile when I read about the moments when he and I became one, over and over again.
Our daughter is the spitting image of Chase—just in girl form. They have the same dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. She even has the same bright freckles across her little nose. I stroke my growing belly and think about our son. Jamie Richard Baker.
I’ve carried everyone with me from my past life.
I wouldn’t call having someone like Lucas Baker as a brother-in-law a stroke of luck…
Still, he managed to have what was left of my family relocated to the Merriam cemetery.
The grief—the pain, the tears—will never go away completely, but the ache in my chest is easing with time.
I don’t dwell on how much it hurts that they’re gone—I hold on to the happy moments we had.
I filled the aching gaps in my soul with happiness, with smiles.
And I opened a flower shop in memory of Abigail.
“Mom!” A huge grin spreads across my daughter’s face, happiness glinting in her deep brown eyes as she hops toward me with her fists closed.
I close the diary and slide it onto the table. I get up from the garden bench and crouch in front of her.
“What is it?” I ask, smiling, and stroke her ruddy cheeks.
“A fairy.”
“A fairy?” I ask, surprised, and peek through the gaps between her fingers.
My heart skips a beat. I press my lips together. Chase stops beside us, casting a shadow over us.
“That’s a butterfly,” I whisper, looking into her eyes. She bites her pink lower lip with her tiny teeth. She’s beaming with happiness. I wipe a streak of saliva from her chin.
“You can’t keep it.”
“But it’s so pretty!”
“I know, honey. But…”
Chase joins us. He traces the line of my spine and gives me a look that tells me to let him handle it.
I swallow the rest of my sentence and just watch as he holds his hands out in front of our daughter.
Nikky places her small fists in his. They look at each other, and when my daughter opens her tiny palms, they’re empty.
“Make a wish.”
Nikky closes her eyes and makes a wish. The moment their gazes meet, a pleasant shiver runs through me. Chase smiles, and my heart nearly bursts. This man has us eating out of the palm of his hand. He sees right through us.
They nod. Chase opens his palms and lets the captured butterfly go.
The insect pauses for a few seconds, gathering its strength, then slowly flutters away.
Nikky starts after it again, stumbling on her little legs, but she doesn’t want to catch it this time.
She just chases it so it can carry her wishes.
“What did she wish for now?”
“Another baby.”
“And what do I wish for?”
Chase leans down, smiling, and kisses me. His lips are like balm; they taste like sunlight.
“How are you doing it?”
“Doing what?” he asks, wrapping his arms around me from behind. He traces small circles on my belly, resting his chin on my shoulder as we watch our daughter. She’s lying on her stomach in the grass, hunting for interesting bugs.
“You know what I mean. How can you two understand each other without words?”
“I had a lot of practice. With you.”
“You always saw right through me.”
“You’re both wearing your desires on your sleeves.”
“I get how you understand her. But how does she understand you?”
“I think there are things in life that can’t be explained.”
“Then I don’t have to explain to you how much I’m looking forward to her afternoon nap.”
Chase sweeps my hair off my neck and presses his lips to the most sensitive spot. My breasts grow heavy, and my womb contracts with aching desire.
“No,” he whispers into my ear in his deep, resonant voice. “Can you figure out what I want?”
I nod, smiling.
“Honey.”
“Yes,” he agrees, and grabs my breast. Thankfully, our daughter isn’t watching. “I want you to come on my lips.”
Pleasure shudders flashes through me. The place between my legs is throbbing gently.
“You could wear her out,” I whisper, drunk with desire.
“Or you could live your desires out in the open.”
“No—that, I can’t,” I protest, but his fingers slide into my panties.
“Oh my God.”
“She’s not watching. And I’ll stop if she is. Just keep your eyes on her, and I’ll watch you fall apart in our backyard. I want to see you shine in the sunshine.”
My vision blurs, but I don’t take my eyes off her for a second. She is playing in the sandbox. Chase’s fingers are rubbing my clitoris and massaging my breast. Pleasure races through me in fiery waves, and I almost collapse. A muffled sound breaks from me, and I come, panting.
The sun is shining bright.
I see lights and butterflies dancing in my vision.
In my heart, it’s always summer now.