24. Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ali
Returning home after a few days in the medical chamber should’ve raised Ali’s spirits, but stepping through the door left her feeling empty and incomplete. She had left a piece of her heart back in that sterile medic room. A piece that she would never get back.
She could hardly recall the events of the procedure following her miscarriage. Her mind had been so hazy, but perhaps it was best that she didn’t keep those memories. She’d had enough hardship to fuel her nightmares for the rest of her life.
Meg told her the first few days might be rough.
That she might experience some cramping, and it was normal.
Although the physical impact of losing her baby would heal in time, she wondered if her soul ever would.
It didn’t seem possible to move forward.
It felt like someone had stolen a piece of her.
Nik’s hand rested on the small of her back as he guided her to the bed. Her lower body felt numb, but her legs pushed forward anyway. The mattress yielded to her weight as she sat on the edge.
“Do you need anything? I can make you something to eat or something to drink.”
“I’m fine,” she said softly. She was far from fine, but it wasn’t anything food or water could fix.
Nik searched for clothes in their shared dresser so she could change into something more comfortable. When he turned to face her, his eyes were bloodshot. The sight of him made her eyes sting with tears once again.
They’d spent countless hours crying together in the medical chamber, taking turns comforting each other. Right now he was doing his best to keep it together for her sake, but she knew he was hurting just as much as she was.
He handed her a soft tank top and loose-fitting sweatpants, and she placed them beside her on the bed. “I think I’d like to take a quick shower first. Rinse off…everything.”
The smell of the medical chamber still lingered on her, tainting her skin and haunting her when she closed her eyes. There was no amount of soap or scrubbing that would diminish the despair that clung to her, but that wouldn’t stop her from trying.
It was strange how everything felt so unfamiliar. Like she was seeing it all with new eyes. This was her home, where she’d been living with Nik for months. That was her white tiled shower she’d used daily. On the sink lay her toothbrush and spare hair tie right where she’d left them.
And yet none of it felt the same. It was all wrong. There was no other way to describe it. This was someone else’s life—a version of her that no longer existed.
Hot water rushed over her skin, and she rubbed her face.
Her eyes were swollen, and she gently massaged them before squeezing soap onto her hands.
She lathered it and scrubbed her scalp. She’d spent four days in the medical chamber, and her hair was oily and matted to the back of her head.
After rinsing her hair, she repeated the steps, massaging her scalp a second time with the shampoo.
When she finished washing her limbs and torso, she stood under the water, letting it rain on her skin. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine she was somewhere else, some place happy, but every image she conjured, every wistful escape, was overrun by the prospect of what could’ve been.
A child danced through her imagination, but she couldn’t make out the details—did the child have her brown eyes? Nik’s dark brown hair? It was too fuzzy to tell. Her memory desperately tried to hold the image together, but it was an impossible feat when she’d never known their face.
Tears began to fall, and Ali dropped to her knees in the shower, sobbing into her palms. It felt as though someone had reached into her chest, pried her ribcage open, and yanked out her heart.
She sucked in a sharp breath and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs.
She dug her nails into her arms and relished the pain.
The physical hurt was so much easier to bear than the emotional.
“Ali?” Nik’s faint voice called from beyond the pattering shower. She could just make out his figure through the cloudy glass. He slid the door open and silently turned off the water.
She could see the pain etched in his face even if he didn’t speak. Several lines ran vertically between his brows, and he seemed unable to look her in the eyes.
He disappeared for a moment and returned with a towel, wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her up from the shower floor.
Love and compassion radiated through his body and engulfed her, which only made her tears fall more freely. With him, she felt safe enough to break down.
He ran his hand over her damp hair and held her body close. “Shh,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
She didn’t know how he could be so certain.
How could he find hope when she no longer believed it existed?
It was one thing she loved about him: his ability to move toward the light when all she wanted to do was dwell in the darkness.
She wanted to let it swallow her, but Nik protected her from that endless abyss.
Slowly, her tears subsided, but she held onto Nik, not wanting to lose the comfort of his solid embrace. He swayed back and forth until both of their bodies relaxed.
“Come to bed with me?”
It was a plea, not a command. She was certain he’d do whatever she wanted at this moment. If she wanted to stand here all night, crying on his shoulder, then that was what he would do.
When she shifted on her feet, her legs wobbled and she recognized that rest was the better option. She was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. If she didn’t climb into bed, her body may very well collapse without her permission.
Nik followed as she headed toward the bed. She didn’t even bother with the clothes he had laid out for her, dropping the towel on the floor before climbing into bed naked.
“I made dinner,” Nik said. “Will you eat? I can bring it to you.”
She wasn’t hungry, but a small part of her knew she should eat something. She couldn’t even recall the last meal she’d had. They’d served her a few things during her stay in the medical chamber, but she’d mostly picked at it. “Yes, thank you.”
Ali sat up, pulling the blanket to her chest and tucking it under her armpits.
She relaxed against the headboard and waited for Nik to bring a bowl of steaming hot pasta with a white sauce mixed with peas and carrots.
It smelled and looked delicious, but her appetite was still nowhere to be found.
She forced herself to take a few bites while Nik returned to the kitchen.
When he came back a second time, he had his own bowl in hand along with a few slices of garlic buttered toast.
“Thanks,” she said when he offered her one.
An unpleasant silence swept the room while they ate. Normally, Ali didn’t mind sitting in the quiet with Nik, but tonight the air felt thick with the weight of tragedy.
“How are you doing?” she asked lamely, but it was the least she could do considering everything he’d done for her. She hardly had it in her to shower, let alone cook dinner.
He finished chewing a bite of bread and swallowed.
“I’m—” She was pretty certain he was about to say ‘fine’ but thought better of it.
“In shock? Disbelief? I’m angry that this happened to you…
to us. And I’m sad, too. Since the day we found out you were expecting, I haven’t stopped thinking about what our lives would look like.
What our kid would look like. I was ready for it all, Ali.
I wanted to teach them to throw a ball and swim in the lake.
I wanted to teach them to read and how to fight.
I wanted to see the person they grew up to be, their personality and which hobbies they chose.
And I’m so damn heartbroken that they were stolen from us. ”
Ali’s eyes glassed over, but she wiped her tears before they had a chance to fall. “I wanted that, too.”
Nik leaned close and brushed her hair behind her ear, gently rubbing her cheek with his thumb. He closed the space between them and kissed her softly on the lips.
“I don’t know if it’s possible to survive this,” Ali quietly confessed.
Nik winced in pain. “You will. We will.”
The next morning, Ali woke to Nik’s lips against her temple.
Her eyes fluttered open to find him sitting on her side of the bed, one hand on her hip.
He was fully dressed in dark blue jeans and a gray short-sleeved shirt, showing off his biceps and tan skin.
His hair was still wet, like he’d just gotten out of the shower.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Where are you going?” she mumbled, still half asleep.
“I need to take care of a few things, and I have to meet with Grace.”
“You don’t have to work, do you?” They had only come home yesterday. Surely Grace wouldn’t expect him back to work so soon. Ali had been given another week off. Grace would’ve offered more, but Ali had insisted that returning to work would help bring back some normalcy to her life.
Nik shook his head. “No, she has someone filling in for me. I’m meeting him as well for an orientation.”
“Oh,” she said softly.
Nik frowned and looked away, and Ali knew he was reconsidering going out.
“It’s okay,” she told him. “I’ll be fine on my own for a little bit. You’ll be back soon?”
“It won’t take long at all. And you won’t be alone.”
Ali tilted her head. Before she could question him, Eli stepped into view. The sight of him brought a smile to her face, and even Nik grinned.
With a quick hug and a peck on her cheek, Nik stood and headed toward the door. On the way out, he slapped Eli’s shoulder, muttering, “Take care of her.”
Eli nodded. When the door shut, he approached the bed.
“Wait,” Ali said suddenly.
Eli halted and looked slightly confused.
“Turn around,” she said.
“Okay…” He turned to face the opposite direction and put his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his feet. “Is there a reason I’m doing this?”
Ali scrambled out from under the blanket and found the clothes Nik had laid out the night before. As quick as she could, she pulled the top over her head and slid the sweatpants on. “Okay, you can turn around now.”
If Eli realized what she had done, he didn’t comment. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed and Ali sat next to him. He squinted his eyes at her like he was trying to discern how close she was to falling apart.
Very close.
“So,” she said.
“So…” he repeated.
When it became clear that neither of them knew what to say, Eli leaned forward and pulled Ali into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Ali.”
Her words lodged in her throat, and she choked back a sob. If she opened the floodgates now, there’d be no stopping it. “Thank you,” she said in barely more than a whisper.
“What can I do to help?” He pulled back but held onto her shoulders, keeping her steady and upright.
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do,” she admitted. “Nothing could ever make this right. Nothing will bring back my baby.” A single tear escaped, but she quickly wiped it away.
Eli frowned. “It’s okay to cry, Ali. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Let it all out and don’t be afraid to lean on your friends and family. You can lean on me. You know that, right?”
“I know,” she said, brushing away another tear with her thumb. It was more than that, though. She was terrified if she let herself crumble that she wouldn’t be able to put the pieces back together. If she tiptoed into the darkness, would she ever make it back to the light?
She could see it in Nik’s eyes every time he looked at her. He was terrified of losing her, not just physically but mentally. And she couldn’t even tell him not to worry because she knew at any given moment, she was one dark thought away from slipping into a depressive episode.
The love of her friends and family strengthened her, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stave off the inevitable. She was just waiting for the moment when her emotions crashed into her, knocking her over and pulling her under the surface.
For now, she’d live in the reality where she was surrounded by love. She looked at Eli with his boyish grin and the bright, familiar light twinkling in his eyes.
“Thank you,” she said. “For being here.”
“Always,” he replied.