Chapter Thirty-Two
Elle
I had no choice but to abandon Stephen amidst my family. I should have warned him that this was what always happened once I got home. My time was constantly commandeered to help out with chores or to look after kids or catch up with a relative I hadn’t seen enough of recently.
While I was in the kitchen with Mom, he played baseball with my little sister and brothers.
I think there was some confusion about the rules surrounding the batting, but he was good-natured about it.
The control-freak image I had of him, the ultra-competitive, city slicker was fading the more I got to know him.
Some of those traits were there, without a doubt, but there was more to him than that.
I found him when it was time to eat and he was hot and sweaty in a very appealing way.
We fetched some of the meat from the grill and sat side by side on a sun lounger in the shade beside the deck, while my family filled up the garden, standing around with their paper plates, chatting and chowing down on burgers and ribs.
We didn’t really talk but it was relaxing just to be surrounded by the burble of friendly conversation, the sun shining overhead and my stomach full of Dad’s delicious harissa marinade barbecue.
I got called to oversee the chicken so Dad could eat, and I saw him make a beeline to sit with Stephen but get pulled over to talk to my uncle instead.
It was a relief. I knew Stephen was doing fine, being friendly and joining in, but Dad had a way of putting people on edge and Stephen had only just wound down after the hostile encounter with his father’s ex-girlfriend and whatever had upset him when we arrived.
I didn’t want Dad to get the wrong impression of him.
Purely because I wanted him to help him out…
although, now we were finding our feet a little as friends I guessed it wouldn’t hurt to invite him over throughout the summer a couple more times.
Staying in a strange city all by yourself must be lonely.
There was the Fourth of July picnic next week we always had.
It might be nice for him to join us there?
And honestly, I’d never brought a man over to the house who settled in so well with everyone.
He took time out to chat to Sam, who had a tendency to disappear inside himself after a couple of hours of socialising.
The idea that Stephen had remembered what I’d said about Sam at the funfair and made a point of it, had my organs feeling not entirely tethered inside my chest.
After that he joined Daisy taking turns playing keepy-uppy with a soccer ball.
I nearly lost a whole chicken breast down the grill as I watched him showing her how to flip the ball up, bend forward and catch it behind his neck.
He’d framed wanting to be a soccer player as a kid’s dream but how feasible had it actually been for him?
He had some skills, I could see that much.
Had he never pursued it because it wasn’t that much of a passion, or he was good but not professional level good, or just because he was that desperate to give himself and his family security?
I’d have to ask for Daisy’s expert opinion later; it was written all over her face that she was impressed and would happily have him back at future family gatherings again.
By the time I was done with my turn on the barbecue, Stephen had disappeared inside, and I was called over to the table with Uncle Joe, Daisy, and Sam for a game of poker.
I decided to play a few hands with them, then go find Stephen and approach my dad to ask the favour, but Tim came over before I’d even placed my second bet.
‘You should go rescue your boyfriend.’ He leaned on the back of my garden chair, the sun-warmed plastic bowing under his weight.
‘He’s not my—’ I broke off and sighed. There was no point, so I shook my head and looked up at Tim. ‘Why, what’s wrong?’
‘Lucy has palmed the baby off on him and he looks frightened.’
‘Why didn’t you help him out? I don’t think he’s used to kids.’
‘Then I’d be stuck with the baby.’
‘She’s your niece,’ I exclaimed.
‘Yes. And I love her dearly. But I don’t want Delia getting all broody just yet, thanks.’
‘Ugh. Here. You can take over for me.’ I thrust my cards at him and grabbed a glass of my mom’s special lemonade off the table to take with me into the house. Promising Daisy a rematch soon, I hurried inside.
Stephen was at the back of the dining room, by the big old wooden table we’d had for years. As always, it was covered with books and paperwork and broken things, we hadn’t got around to fixing yet.
He was staring down at my niece like if he looked away for a second, he’d be neglecting his duties.
His shoulders were hunched but he had her securely – I could tell.
She wiggled a bit and stared right back into his eyes, as though fascinated.
Their dark colour probably was interesting to her.
Babies focus best on contrast, plus everyone in our family had light eyes.
She stretched out her tiny hand, waving it ineffectively at his face and blowing saliva bubbles.
I paused in the doorway. I wanted to go closer, but that untethered sensation was attacking me so hard again, it almost felt like fear.
Something about this man, plus a baby, was making me feel odd.
I hadn’t expected him to be good with kids.
Of any age. It didn’t fit logically with someone who was never going to settle down, did it?
‘Am I doing OK?’ he said quietly, almost under his breath and I blinked at him. Was he talking to me or the baby?
‘You’re doing great.’ I walked in and he jumped a little.
He hadn’t been talking to me, which was a relief because it meant he hadn’t been aware of my miniature biological crisis…
but also a little sad. He seemed to find it so hard to show any kind of vulnerability; the only person he could ask a question like that to was a baby who couldn’t give him an answer back.
Was it his profession that made him that way?
Everyone probably had to appear so confident and infinitely capable…
Although, now I knew what had happened with his family, it occurred to me that it could be more to do with how young he’d been when he’d lost his father figure – figures in fact.
First his real dad had walked, then his stepdad died, and now he’d lost his mom too.
It was no wonder he’d retreated into this role of being in charge and looking after everyone else.
And yet he didn’t see it at all. He thought of himself as a man holding himself back to protect others from his genetic predisposition to be a jerk.
What an idiot. A goddamned sexy, adorable, idiot.
I smiled and allowed myself closer. ‘She’s not crying, is she? I mean if she cries that still doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong but the fact that she’s not definitely means she’s comfortable. She’d tell you about it otherwise.’
‘OK.’
‘You can relax. You’re not going to drop her. Unclench your muscles.’
‘Are you checking out my physique again?’ He flicked a quick glance at me, a hint of that devilish smile playing over his lips.
‘Only because you look like you’ve got rigor mortis.’
‘Ever the flatterer, Elle.’
Warmth bloomed in my chest as he called me by the shortened version of my name again.
‘I consider it my life’s mission to prevent male egos from reaching an insufferable scale,’ I quipped.
He relaxed his shoulders and shifted his arms a bit, brushing mine. I hadn’t realised I’d moved so near and reached out to stroke the soft fuzz on Brigid’s head as though that was the reason, rather than this subconscious pull I had to be near him.
‘You do have a lot of brothers to keep in line. I suppose you’ll have a lot of these too.’ He gave her a little rock, to indicate that he meant the baby.
A lump formed in my throat. ‘Unlikely.’
‘You don’t think your other siblings will have many kids?’
‘Oh, you meant nieces and nephews. I thought you…’ I trailed away awkwardly.
‘You thought I meant you?’ He worded it carefully and I appreciated it. Not just because there was no judgement in his tone — which would have been hypocritical of him — but because he’d left it easy for me to brush off if it was too sensitive a subject.
‘I don’t…’ I chewed my lip, ready to deflect him.
To fob off the conversation like I did earlier, but he’d been so honest with me despite how hard he found it.
Telling me about the shame he felt because of his lousy father walking out on him – I knew that was no small admission on his part.
If we were really going to try to be friends, we should be able to talk about this sort of thing, shouldn’t we?
‘I don’t think I’m ever going to find the right person to have kids with. ’
‘Why? Is this all part of the legends surrounding your love life? I’m not trying to provoke you. I just don’t get why your family are all so obsessed with the men you choose to see. If I had a pound for every time someone has called me Type A today.’
‘I’ve not had much luck with dating, that’s all.
’ I pressed my lips together and looked at him.
He was like that famous poster, all handsome and paternal too, designed to detonate ovaries.
It didn’t seem fair to be talking about these kinds of dreams while he was looking like that.
‘I’d love to have kids, but I want them with the support of a mythological man, who’ll understand that writing is my vocation, and as important as his work, and that we’d need to take care of the child-rearing duties fifty-fifty. ’
‘That doesn’t sound so mythological.’
‘At a first glance, I suppose not. It should be the norm shouldn’t it, in this day and age?
But it’s not. I’ve lived with two men – briefly – and both of them thought that working from home meant I was available to pick up all the chores and run errands for them.
You look at most families you know, and you’ll see how the division of family labour falls.
It’s not equal in the majority of cases despite women working just as hard at their jobs.
’ I sighed. ‘I want to be a mom, but I don’t want to be wholly responsible, trying to look after a kid, and write, and inevitably fail at one of them because it’s too much, y’know?
I need to write, and I’ve worked so hard to reach this point in my career.
So, I’m just…letting that take priority at the moment. ’
His dark eyes flickered over my face, intense and sincere when he said, ‘You’re probably right to be careful.
I’m sure my mum wished she had been before getting involved with my father and ending up a single parent.
I hope the male population doesn’t let you down when you do get back out there.
A bunch of little Elles running around terrorising everyone would be a sight to see. ’
‘I’m sure there will be plenty of nieces and nephews, though. You were right there.’
‘Yeah.’ He was swaying a little now and Brigid’s eyes were closing. He was getting it. He was a natural. ‘I suppose I might get a couple soon enough myself.’
I blinked. ‘Is there something you’re not telling me about Beth and Nick?’
‘Like what?’ He attempted to look perplexed.
‘Is she…?’
‘No. Not that I know of, although it might explain the rush—’ He cut off and pressed his lips together.
‘Oh my God. He’s going to propose, isn’t he?’
He closed his eyes briefly as if in pain. ‘If I say nothing, you’re never going to stop trying to find out, are you?’
I shook my head, lacing my fingers together in front of my face like I was praying for the answer I wanted to hear.
‘Fine. Yes. He’s thinking about proposing…I think it’s too soon.’
‘I don’t think it’s too soon.’
‘It’s only been six months.’
‘That’s longer than a lot of people. When you know, you know.’
‘That’s what he said too.’ A wrinkle formed between his eyebrows. ‘But how do you know? Do you have an epiphany? Is there a secret message that gets sent to your phone or their name appears tattooed on your ar— bottom?’
I laughed at the cute way he avoided cursing around the baby. ‘I may not have experienced that moment myself, but I’ve spoken to enough happy couples to believe that when they find the person who suits them best on a biological and psychological level, it just feels right.’
‘Hmm…’ he grunted.
‘Hang on. You’re not thinking of dissuading him, are you?’
‘No. I mean. I’ve spoken to him about it, but I can’t stop him—’
‘No. You can’t. Don’t you dare try and put any spanners in the works, d’you hear me?’
He stood up straighter, stepping back from beside me. ‘Look, you were right to do what you did at Christmas. I’m pleased you got involved and they’re still together. But he’s my first priority, Elle. He’s my brother and I’ll do what I think is best for him. Always.’
‘What’s best is that he proposes to the woman he loves, and they are left to live happily ever after without your interference,’ I said, but my tone was softer.
Maybe Beth had been right after all. Maybe he’d just interfered because he read the situation wrong and wanted to look after his little brother.
‘Take it from me, I have a lot of siblings: no good ever comes of thinking you know what’s best for them, and he won’t thank you for it. ’
‘It’s not that I don’t want the happily ever after for him. Of course, I do. I just…’
‘You worry.’
‘No.’
‘Yes. You do.’ Why was he even trying to deny this? I’d clocked the way he talked about Nick and his grief back at the restaurant, like he wasn’t feeling intense loss too. ‘You worry and you try and protect him. But he’s a grown man, Stephen.’
We lapsed into silence. The baby was asleep despite the tension in our conversation. What spell had she just put over us anyhow? This little bundle of fluff had just had us spilling all kinds of deep and meaningful secrets. She was dangerous.
‘When Lucy comes back, we’ll go talk to my dad.’
‘Is Lucy coming back?’
‘Yeah, she’s probably just kicking Quinn’s ass for being useless about something.’
‘Will that take long?’
‘You want me to take the baby?’
‘No. Better not disturb her, I mean.’ His arms tightened a little, cradling my niece in close and my belly dissolved.
‘Oh yeah, sure.’ I stroked my hand over Brigid’s hair once more and stole another glance at Stephen.
I really hoped Dad would help him out, because he deserved to resolve this for himself and his mother’s memory.
But also because then there’d be no excuse for me to keep seeing him.
I wanted to be able to be friends with him, to invite him to Fourth of July picnics…
but I wasn’t sure I could keep spending time with him and not end up doing something really self-destructive, like setting fire to my own rule book, giving into my desire and winding up where I always did with men. Hurt and alone.