Chapter Forty-One
Stephen
A gold one would be nice - though silver or bronze seemed more fitting when it came to the medal I deserved for what I was about to attempt: an Olympic standard demonstration of sadomasochism.
I rounded the bed — my bed — that Elle was face down on, to get to the side where there was room enough for me to sit beside her. What had possessed me? I could have just given her some damn ibuprofen and saved myself this torture.
Except I knew the deep heat and massage would work better, and I would prefer to take the pain myself — which wasn’t really pain, just unsatisfied lust — rather than her suffer actual pain for a minute more than was necessary.
‘Where is it worst? Upper, middle or lower?’ I asked, sitting down carefully so I didn’t jostle her too much.
‘I think it’s coming from my shoulders and neck,’ she said, her head turned away from me, likely because it was too uncomfortable to move it. Because she was suffering.
So stop the self-pity party and help her, I told myself.
For a moment, I considered asking her if she could take the t-shirt off but since she could barely move her head without it hurting, I dismissed that. Luckily, since she’d borrowed one of mine to wear there was room to manoeuvre beneath it.
I lifted her hair off the back of her neck, twisting it loosely and settling it out of the way on the pillow. Blowing out a long breath, slowly and quietly to get some focus on the priority, I unscrewed the cap on the tube of deep heat and squeezed some on my index and middle finger.
‘D’you think you can turn your head so your neck is straight?’
She made a noise of agreement and inch by inch settled herself so she was resting headfirst into the pillow.
She was panting and tensing against spasms by the time she got there.
It clawed at my chest, and when she whimpered, I couldn’t help but smooth her hair away again from her neck gently with my free hand.
‘It’s OK, Elle. You did it. Try to breathe slowly through the pain if you can.’
‘You sound like a midwife,’ she managed a little laugh.
I smiled and smeared the ointment evenly over the bottom of her neck and down the tight muscles stretching into her shoulders.
‘Maybe I picked up some tips from the expert at Christmas? You were phenomenal that night, did I ever tell you that?’ I said, referring to the baby she delivered in the middle of a blizzard when we were staying at Beth’s hotel together.
She’d been so confident and kind, taking charge with her no-nonsense attitude, radiating calm and expertise.
She was quiet for a moment. ‘I think you did, actually,’ her reply almost sounded surprised. ‘Rachel did all the hard work, though.’
‘Of course. But it was very lucky you were there. For lots of reasons.’ As well as the baby, if she hadn’t been around, perhaps Nick and Beth never would have got back together after my meddling? And I never would have met her.
With the deep heat applied, I started to massage her with slow, steady circles; firm but not too hard to start with. She groaned and I paused.
‘OK?’
‘Yeah. Yep. Thanks.’ Her voice was tight but I could already see she was taking slightly deeper breaths.
I got a little more of the deep heat but this time I spread it underneath the collar of the t-shirt over her shoulders, one side and then the other.
God, her skin was soft, even over this tense area that was mainly bone.
When the tingly ointment was covering both her shoulders and a fair amount of her shoulder blades, and my wrist was testing the limits of its dexterity, I twisted so I could press the heel of my hand harder into the knots I could feel.
She swore and I stopped again. ‘Too much?’
‘No. It’s hurting but in a good way, y’know?’ She exhaled shakily.
Yeah, I think I’m familiar. I could only manage a soft grunt in response.
‘Wouldn’t it be easier to lift the t-shirt from the bottom?’
Nope. It definitely wouldn’t be easier for me. But this was not about me. ‘You’re OK with that?’
‘Yeah.’
I nodded, reminding myself that I was supposed to like challenges.
Untangling my hand from the top, I straightened up and looked at the hem of the dark t-shirt she’d borrowed.
Despite the length of it on her, it had already ridden up to the tops of her thighs.
I pinched it either side of her hips and eased it up, like doing it as delicately as possible would stop the way the reveal of her simple pink knickers hit me in the groin.
Up it went, exposing the dips right at the lowest point of her back; vulnerable bare skin.
When I reached the point her bra strap should have been I had to stop.
I’d known it was likely she wasn’t wearing one, because I hadn’t felt the straps on her shoulders, but now there was confirmation.
I gave myself to the count of two, flooding my brain with the sight of her, hoping it would take the edge off the novelty and I could get on with the job at hand without distraction.
My eyes traced the line of her spine, the way her waist came in and flared out into her rounded hips, the lace edging the cotton of her underwear, and the curve of each generous cheek…
fuck, she was gorgeous. I wanted to take handfuls of her body to squeeze and stroke and kiss and bite.
Her personality was so vibrant and her body insisted on grabbing my attention too - I wanted to indulge in it, like I did when we bantered with each other.
Would she push back in the same way or was she more submissive? How would she respond?
With pain and disappointment, I reminded myself. Because now was not the time. And even if she hadn’t been suffering, she was the one who had to make the first move. My restraint counted for nothing the moment I betrayed it. Every good intention might as well have not existed.
So, I picked a spot to stare at on the headboard before I slid my hand under the t-shirt, told myself the satin of her skin was no big deal, and the burn in my palm was just from the ointment, and concentrated on rubbing the tension away from her muscles.
I don’t know how long I massaged her back for, only that she was relaxing, sinking into the mattress, her breathing easy now.
‘Want me to go any lower?’ I asked, as much to check on whether she was still awake.
‘Just a little. If you wouldn’t mind,’ her words were practically slurring together. ‘It’s helping so much. Thank you…so good.’
I closed my eyes briefly before doing as she asked.
I didn’t bother with anymore of the deep heat because I’d probably used enough, I just brought both hands up and used bigger circles and then firm, flat-handed strokes to follow the line of her ribs.
I pressed my thumbs into the divots either side of her spine and she let out a moan that made goose-bumps prickle all over my scalp and down my back.
‘Jesus. Yes. That’s it.’
I gritted my teeth and started counting. Five minutes. I could manage five more minutes. When I got to three hundred seconds, I eased back. ‘How’s that?’
She sighed. ‘So much better. Thank you. I don’t think I’ve been this relaxed in years.’
Huh, I didn’t think I’d ever been this tense…but she wasn’t in pain anymore, which was the important thing.
‘I’m just going to wash my hands and then I’ll leave you to sleep.’ I climbed off the bed and hurried into the en-suite. I could have done with a cold shower but after washing my hands and putting the deep heat away, dousing my head with water would have to do.
When I got the courage up to walk back through the bedroom, she’d eased onto her side and was already snoring softly.
Wearing my t-shirt, sleeping in my bed…my heart gave an uncomfortable kick.
What would it be like if this was normal life?
If I was allowed to climb in next to her?
Put my arm around her waist and pull her back into me, falling asleep with the scent of her hair in my lungs, and the feel of her soft body, relaxed and trusting, in the shelter of mine?
But she would be wrong to trust me. Wrong to let herself get used to any kind of relationship with me and it was selfish of me to want it, when I knew it could never last.