Chapter 4
CONNER
“Hey. There you are.”
I pause on my way up the stairs. Everything in this house is grand, and the staircase reminds me of something right out of the Titanic, only smaller. It’s unreal. I’ve never been in a place like this before. Nolan’s house is ridiculous.
And yet, despite all the ostentatiousness, it’s comfortable.
Lived in. I imagine this is what life looked like a hundred years ago.
Two hundred years ago. People took great care when building their estates, with hand-carved fixtures and attention to every little detail.
And yet, it was also built for everyday living.
Nolan catches up, his usual big grin back on his face.
“I’m glad you’re smiling again,” I say impulsively.
He laughs. “Thanks. So are you.”
Kelsey’s antics were almost eighteen months ago, and maybe no one had truly realized just how happy a person Nolan is until he wasn’t happy anymore. I won’t say something as cliché and corny as ‘his smile lit up the room,’ but he has that happy energy you can feel.
Its absence was loud. Especially when he wasn’t around and locked in his room.
In reality, his misery didn’t last long. His sorrow and hurt that everyone felt was relatively short-lived because he accidentally got with Kelsey’s father within a few weeks after finding out his long-time girlfriend had hugely cheated on him.
I know what everyone asks. How do you quantify cheating? Why is it ‘just a little’ or ‘hugely’? I’d say kissing someone other than your partner is just a bit. Still cheating, yes. But having a gangbang with eight guys? That’s hugely cheating. Prove me wrong, bitches.
Me? I guess maybe I was feeling far more positive and happy earlier this year when it hadn’t quite become clear yet that no team wanted me. The stress of knowing I wasn’t going home after—that I had no home to go to—began to weigh on me more and more as the year wore on.
“Jude really getting to you, huh?” Nolan asks, bumping his shoulder with mine when I don’t answer. Together, we continue up the stairs.
I don’t manage to keep my smile contained. “At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I can’t believe my life right now,” I say, trying to keep my voice low.
He laughs. “Not that I want to give you false pretenses, but I’ve known Jude for our entire lives and have never heard of him so much as dating someone. While I realize I’m the one who brought you home, he’s not hiding that he’s into you in front of his family, so that’s pretty cool.”
My stomach flutters. Yep, I didn’t need to know that.
“Also, he was only meant to stay for a couple days. It’s been almost a week, and we all know he’s here for you,” Nolan says, winking.
Memories of kissing and groping and frotting through our clothes in hidden corners flash through my mind. We haven’t gotten naked yet. Haven’t even touched under our clothes. Maybe that’s what makes it even more intense.
We stop in front of my door, and I can feel how widely I’m smiling.
Nolan smirks. “Still miss your family?” he asks.
“What family?” I quip.
He laughs.
His question sobers me a little, though. “You believe in God, Nolan?” I ask.
Nolan waves his hand back and forth in that ‘eh’ way.
“There are days I do. There are days I think that there must be something bigger out there. But then people talk, and their hypocrisy on the matter makes me cringe. Like magic, for example. Condemned. And yet, their precious holy scripture is riddled with magic, but because they call it holy miracles, it’s different.
The fact that they literally disregard science when science can be proven and replicated and insist on their Biblical bullshit because some man wrote a book…
” He shakes his head. “I find the whole thing saturated with too much hypocrisy to truly put much belief in it. You’re going to tell me in one breath that your god is perfect, creates everything in perfection, is all-loving and forgiving, and blah blah blah.
So I was born bisexual, my dads were born gay, and we’re all going to hell because anything other than missionary heterosexuality is sinful.
Like… did he make me perfect, or does your god have flaws?
It can’t be both. And don’t get me started on the whole Adam and Eve thing. ”
“I see I’ve made you go off on a tangent, but I need to know what you have against Adam and Eve,” I say.
“I mean, incest is a mortal sin, correct?”
“Yes, though I feel like I’m walking into a trap.”
“The Bible says we all come from Adam and Eve. And therefore, your precious Bible-thumping parents are committing incest. If we all have that common denominator, guess what, asshats? We’re all related!”
I laugh. “Oh my god.”
“Glad you asked, aren’t you?”
“Is this a heated debate? Should I avoid it?”
“Nah. I said, we have one rule—”
“Love is love,” I interrupt.
“Yep. We also have a few follow-up rules that should be common sense, but the world acts like common sense is heresy. But this one is simple: To each their own. As long as you’re not shoving your beliefs in my face or on anyone else, then whatever makes you happy.”
“I like that. But you’re right. Common sense is a commodity these days.”
“Is there a reason you asked a question that got me riled up?”
I snort. “Sorry. I didn’t realize it was a hot topic.”
“It’s not. Most of the time, when asked, my answer depends on who’s asking me.
If it’s the holier-than-thou crowd, I give them that spiel to truly make them sputter and think.
Otherwise, I tend to say something like, I’m forty percent convinced that there’s something out there, but that bit might just be hopeful, you know?
I’d like to think that there’s a higher being watching over us.
I’d like to think there’s a place where our souls go—assuming we actually have souls.
I want to believe there’s something after death. ”
“It’s weird thinking there isn’t, huh?” I ask.
“You still didn’t answer me. Why did you ask?”
“I keep thinking about my parents and the place I grew up in. I look around and see such vivid contrast, and I just keep wondering—is their stoic emptiness truly what god would want? Their rigid commitment to radically interpreted Bible verses. Cherry-picking which parts of their scripture they want to enforce. Judging and hating on anyone not like them. Every moment since you brought me here, I keep thinking that this is the kind of place god would approve of. A place filled with family, kindness, love, forgiveness, with no judging, and lots of support. And yet, people like my parents would come here and be absolutely horrified by like eighty percent of what they see, which is being generous. Probably more like ninety-eight percent.”
“That’s exactly why I find it hard to believe in their god. A system of beliefs that makes my family into hell-bound sinners isn’t something I’m buying into.” Nolan grips my arm. “It’s okay to break free of that weight.”
“I think I’ve shed it a little more every year since I was a kid. But being unwelcome because I don’t want that life… surprisingly hurts a little.”
“Parental love shouldn’t come with stipulations,” Nolan says. He leans in and kisses my cheek. Backing away, Nolan winks and heads down the hall. “See you in the morning.”
His words echo through my head. Parental love shouldn’t come with stipulations.
It hits me like a punch to the chest. I stand just inside the bedroom door as I try to catch my breath.
That’s what happened, isn’t it? My parents only wanted me as long as I fell into a very specific lifestyle. Otherwise, they didn’t want me.
A knock on my door makes me jump since I’m still standing just on the other side. I take a breath and pull it open. The sight of Jude makes my heart skip, as if it’s tumbling over a boulder or something.
He steps straight into my space, his mouth landing squarely on mine. His hands grip me in such a way that it feels as if he’s my marionette master, ready to manipulate me however he wants. I love the way his hand is always right at the back of my head. It’s such an owning gesture.
Jude kicks the door shut and walks me backward toward the bed. The room is dim. There’s a lamp on in the corner that I haven’t figured out how to turn off. It was on when I got here, and it’s remained on since I can’t find the switch.
The back of my knees hit the bed, and I go down, our mouths ripping apart.
“How do you feel about getting naked tonight?” Jude asks. I love the tone of his voice. Husky. Sexy.
I nod, unsure if I can talk. Especially as he immediately pulls his shirt over his head and then shoves his bed pants down. He either grabs his underwear with his pants, or he wasn’t wearing any.
His dick is beautiful. Who would have guessed that he, Jude Vincent, has a pierced cock? It’s not your typical Prince Albert, but a little curved bar under his crown. I stare, taking in nothing else but the metal in front of me.
“Like it?” he asks.
My eyes flicker up, and he’s smirking. God, this man is hot. Why isn’t he on magazine covers? Romance novel covers. Seriously, his naked body should be worshipped.
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Your turn, Conner. Take your clothes off. Let me see what I’m gonna ride tonight.”
I swallow the groan that threatens to fill the room at his words. Standing, I quickly strip. I haven’t even stepped out of my pants that are pooled at my feet when his hand wraps around my dick.
“Mmm,” he hums, lips against mine again. “I knew you’d have a masterpiece. You’re going to feel good.”
His hand around my cock has my breath stuck behind a screen. I can’t breathe in or exhale. Until he bites my bottom lip, and my stuck breath comes rushing out.
“You want that?” Jude asks. “Want to be my pony tonight?”
I laugh breathlessly. “Yeah.” If I’m going to hell like my parents insist I will, I might as well enjoy myself first. Earn my spot. If being happy in life means I’m going to hell, so be it.
I grab Jude’s hips and pull him against me. Together, we tumble onto the bed and end up with me on my back. Jude’s leg swings over my hip, and he climbs on top of me. My dick becomes his seat with his weight on top of me. His balls rest on my cock, and I shiver in anticipation.
To date, I’ve only fucked around with a guy under the darkness of Hush Anonymous—the new key party-esque venture of my frat house, Delta Iota Kappa. AKA DIK. This’ll be the first time I’m with a guy when I see his face. When I know who I’m fucking.
I’m not sure where Jude produces a condom from. There’s a chance it’s been in his hand this entire time, but I’ve been too distracted by his mouth on mine, followed by the appearance of his dick. He shimmies himself backward as he blindly wraps my cock, but doesn’t take his mouth from mine.
“I have a confession,” Jude says and magically produces a bottle of lube as well. Yep, I was distracted. “I came in here with the intent to ride you tonight. I prepped in my room.”
I shiver, nodding. “Okay.”
He smirks. “Just okay?” he asks, hand slickly moving over my cock as he lubes me up. “That’s all you have to say to my telling you I had every intention of seducing you tonight?”
“The only part of my brain computing right now is the one my cock controls. You could tell me you’re a body double or possessed by a demon or… you killed a man, and I’m not going to care.”
Jude tilts his head sideways. “Yeah? Even if I confess to murder right now, you’re not going to care?”
I shake my head.
He grins and pushes up onto his knees. I watch him, eyes roving over his body, unsure where to look first. All those pretty muscles; his cock waving in front of me; my dick in his hand as he lines me up.
“Let’s see if that’s the truth,” Jude says.
My cockhead slips past his ring of muscles, and I groan.
“I’ve killed three men,” he says, slowly sliding down my shaft.
“Three; two of which I did on my own, and one I killed with someone else. They deserved it. Don’t doubt that, but my hands are still covered in blood. ”
I gasp as his hands land on my chest. My hips roll up, sliding into his hot, tight body.
“Does that bother you, Conner? Knowing that you have a murderer riding your cock?”
I shake my head. I’m not sure what kind of banter this is, but whatever. He leans down, his hand sliding under my head, gripping me the way he always does. “Fuck me,” he grunts before his mouth crashes down on mine.
That’s not a difficult request to comply with.