Chapter 10
JUDE
I’ve never been fucked quite like this. I can’t explain why he feels so damn good. Maybe Conner just has the Goldilocks of cocks. He’s exactly everything I like—shape, girth, length, thickness, stiffness. All of it. He’s the entire package.
He’s a combination of pliant to what I want and sure enough to take control. He’s confident in what he’s doing, which is hot all in itself.
It’s a struggle to keep my leg up with the way he’s fucking me.
We’re on our sides as he takes me from behind.
Conner has my arms pinned to my chest with both of his as he fucks into me perfectly.
It’s hard, but not rip-me-in-two hard. He alternates his rhythm from a speed engine with pistons racing to a trot.
My lower lip is between my teeth as I try to keep myself from demanding that he get me off. I can’t get off hands-free. I’ve tried. That’s simply not the way I was built. If anything, my forays with Conner have proven that.
Each orgasm feels more extreme than the last. It’s built so large that it’s literally bursting at the seams, but because I need someone to touch my damn dick in order to release it—as if my cock is a switch and it needs to be flipped—I’m stuck in this painful pleasure that’s trying to pound down the doors.
Conner has stamina for days. With every fuck, he lasts longer and longer. Not that he was particularly quick the first time, but compared to how long he takes me now? Might as well have been five minutes.
His arms tighten again, locking mine in place, and I know he’s gearing up to drive into me quickly again.
Sure enough, his hips slam into my ass. His cock stabs my prostate with each penetration in this position and brings tears to my eyes as new shocks of pleasure burst through my body, overlapping with what was already there.
Tears sting my eyes as I release my lip to let my grunts out. They’re loud, even to me. They ring in my head.
I’m really struggling with my leg now. Not only does my thigh ache, but my struggling orgasm is making everything inside me ache.
A sob escapes as his hand drops to grip my dick. I’m shattering within seconds, my orgasm finally exploding out of me as if the dynamite had just detonated. My leg falls as he strokes me, and I shudder in his arms.
I’m sure his orgasm is the reason he finally gives me mine, but I’m so lost in the intensity that I can’t spare any of my attention for it.
Maybe he’s not finished, though. Even when I’m done, and his arm is once more around my chest, locking my arms in place again, he’s still slowly rocking in my hole.
Slowly. We’re talking barely more than a snail’s pace.
His heart races against my back, and I concentrate on it for a while. I wonder if I can consciously make my heartbeat match his. If I match my breathing to his, will it adjust my heartbeat?
Minutes pass. Many, many minutes, and he’s still rocking inside me.
“Not finished, huh?” I ask.
Conner stops, and I snort because I don’t think he realized he was still moving. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not complaining.”
He sighs.
“What’s wrong? I’m going to be upset if you’re thinking of someone else.”
His lips curl against the back of my shoulder. “Not a chance.”
“Mm. Then what’re you thinking about that has you so lost in thought?”
“Are you familiar with the frats at Longwood U?”
For just a second, my heart jumps as I recall my conversation with Zephyr, Arek, and Orev the other day. “A bit.”
“So… DIK?”
“A bit,” I repeat. “Nolan is my cousin, remember?”
“Yeah. So, you know about Rumor and Confessions?”
“I know of them. I know what they’re about.”
“Are you familiar with Hush?”
“Less so. It’s new, right? I’ve heard Nolan mention it by name when he was talking to Kylen last Christmas.”
“I keep forgetting you know Kylen.”
“I know everyone in that neighborhood. They’re family, remember?”
He smiles against my skin again. “Yeah.”
When he doesn’t continue on his own, I prompt him. “What about Hush?”
“It’s kind of like a key party. The first group goes in and is assigned a room. The rooms are color-coded. The second group comes in and grabs a key from the basket. The key has a ribbon, and the colors match specific doors.”
“That sounds fun.”
“Yeah. They have two versions. One is much like Rumor and Confessions—fucking for pay. But there’s a second version. Hush Anonymous is conducted in the dark. We’re talking pitch black.”
“Ohh. That also sounds fun.”
“That’s the only place I’ve ever been with a guy,” he says, voice getting quieter. “Until you.”
Oh, this might be a big step. This is the conversation that brings us into something more, isn’t it? “Why?”
Conner sighs. He slides out of my ass and rolls away. I frown as I follow so I can look at him. He’s staring at the ceiling.
“I’ve never been brave enough to be with someone in the daylight,” he admits.
“Just so I’m following, when you say ‘someone’ do you mean anyone or just guys?”
He chews the inside of his lip as he considers my question. His hesitation makes me curious. I expected him to say guys. He specified guys when he was telling me he’s only hooked up with a guy in anonymity before.
I can’t imagine where this is going if it includes women, too.
“Both, I suppose,” Conner answers after a minute. “I think I wouldn’t have hesitated about hooking up in the daylight if I were interested in women.”
“Is this your way of acknowledging your sexuality out loud?”
He looks at me, and his amused smile says I’m not at all following along. “No. It’s not so much about…” Conner’s words trail off, and he’s once more thinking about something I’m certainly not at all catching on to.
Conner sighs. “I’d like to tell you that maybe I knew I liked guys from an early age and that I’ve never had to come to terms with it, but I’m not sure that’s accurate. I’m not sure I realized I liked guys until I was in college. Away from home. Where the world isn’t so black and white.”
I touch his jaw, trailing my finger lightly along the edge. “Hun, I’m trying to keep up, but I haven’t been on the same page from the beginning of this conversation.”
He laughs. “Sorry. I was quiet because I was thinking about the fact that you’re the first guy I could pick out of a crowd that I’ve fucked.
I know who you are. Even while we’re fucking.
It’s a big deal, but I was actually wondering if it feels more intense because I can see you. Does that make sense?”
“Yes. I’ve had the same thoughts, but very different.”
“Okay,” he says, raising an eyebrow at me.
“I mean that I’ve wondered why sex with you feels more intense than with others in the past. I could get all woo-woo and sentimental as an explanation, but I’m actually looking for a reason. Like… chemistry or… compatibility?”
Conner hums, nodding. “Yep. Okay, same.”
“Do you want to talk about the other things you’re alluding to?”
Once more, he’s quiet. I watch as his jaw works while chewing on the inside of his lip. His stare is transfixed on the ceiling.
Eventually, he heaves a heavy sigh. “My family is ultra-conservative and toxically religious,” he says.
“While I could get into a whole lot of the many thoughts and traumas and shit, I’m kind of exhausted from thinking about it.
But part of the reason I could only convince myself to hook up with a guy specifically in the dark is because of my upbringing.
It’s like… it’s not a sin if no one sees, right? It’s not a sin if I can’t see him.”
“Oof,” I say and press my lips to his shoulder.
“But also, it’s because of that upbringing that I don’t have anywhere to go now.
I’m not saying that parents have any responsibility for their children after eighteen.
They shouldn’t be expected to always make room in their lives and support them at the drop of a hat.
There needs to be a time when kids grow the fuck up and take responsibility for their own lives and actions. ”
“That’s loaded,” I note.
“Yes, and probably highly controversial, but I said what I said. I’m not apologizing for it.”
I laugh. “Okay.”
“My point is, those aren’t the reasons my parents refused to let me come home after college when hockey didn’t work out.
I understand those reasons. I don’t disagree with them.
There’s a reason so many recent generations of adults are considered boomerang generations, because they always end up back at home for some reason.
But my parents wouldn’t let me come home because I wouldn’t join the church and become a deacon in their fucked-up beliefs.
I refused to pray for forgiveness for dedicating so much of my life to hockey instead of to God.
They don’t know I like guys, not because I’m ashamed, but because I don’t want to hear their hate.
I still remember the hate they spewed on our neighbors down the road, whose kid came out as gay and chose to support them instead of kicking them out and disowning them. ”
“Jesus,” I mutter.
“So yeah. Now you know my sob story. You know that I put all my eggs in one basket, banking on hockey, and didn’t plan for a future where I wasn’t drafted.
You know I have shitty parents, and I can’t go home because my beliefs and lifestyle aren’t theirs, and they won’t approve of it.
I’m seriously trying to not be miserable over these things, but honestly, I’m feeling so fucking defeated. ”
“Come here.” I reach across him and grip the back of his head, hauling him into my arms. Conner wraps around me, burying his face in my neck.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump on you. Again. You must be getting sick of my needy ass by now.”
“I’m not,” I assure him. “I’ve lived a very privileged life.
Not just financially, but because my parents are amazing.
I understand the hate you speak of. Having gay dads who were both in the spotlight meant there was always hate being thrown our way.
I can’t imagine having that hate directed at me or coming from a place where that hate was supposed to be my role model.
Your childhood must have been a struggle. ”
“No. It wasn’t… I—yes, actually. I had to fight to convince them to let me play hockey every damn month.
I had to convince them that it wasn’t the Devil’s work every time we won a game and celebrated.
I had to watch their hate spread throughout the community I lived in every single day. I’m so damn tired.”
“Let me help you,” I say, and immediately feel him begin pulling away. “I’m not suggesting you live off me, but Conner, let me help you get on your feet. You know what’s going to piss people like your parents off the most?”
“What?”
“When you succeed. When you live for yourself in a lifestyle you love that they condemn and you’re fucking successful.
Make that your mission, baby. Make them hate you more because, despite their best efforts to fuck you up and make you their puppet, you’re a badass without them.
Let me help you get there. I really want to be beside you and give them the middle finger when you’re successful. ”
Conner laughs quietly. He doesn’t answer for a minute, but then his arms tighten. “Yes. I want that.”
“Good. Tomorrow, we’ll begin planning for that future.”