Chapter 19
CONNER
Three months later
It’s weird being back at school. Back in the frat house, with empty rooms not yet filled with new pledges. Initiation of the next class won’t take place until late October.
Thinking about initiation has Matty—deep within the pits of Dark Island’s secrets—flashing into my head. A failed initiation that drove him to the point where he sees ghosts and raves about the dead.
I stare at the enormous portrait of Magdon Ferri, trying to find any hint at all of his involvement in the Society of the No Face. I know he’s involved. His portrait is the one I walked through that led into the execution room.
A chill trickles down my spine. How many people were killed in that room? Why was it lost? There are so many fucking questions I’m dying to know, but I can’t ask. My only job is to forget. Short of that, I’m to never speak of it again. Not even in privacy with Jude or someone involved.
It didn’t happen.
Once I showed them how I got to the ceremony room, we left and never spoke of the incident again. It never happened.
There are times when I truly question my sanity. Especially when everyone on Dark Island carried on as if it never happened. Laughter. Boat races. Hanging out. It’s enough to make me wonder if I imagined it all.
Then I see Jude naked and the No Face tattoo on his inner thigh. I catch a glimpse of someone else’s, and I know. I know the truth.
The only time we visited the tunnels again was to see Matty. Just as we promised. But it wasn’t a winding adventure. We practically walked through a door right into his studio set. No masks. No cloaks.
That happened once, and that was it. Then it was as if Matty didn’t exist either.
When Jude isn’t paying attention, I look up Reynold Hildreth. He never reappeared on the island again. I keep expecting someone to notice and report his disappearance. So far, there’s nothing.
“Lang.”
Grinning, I shift my stance to see Nolan walk into the room. He stands beside me and stares up at Magdon Ferri with me. “What are we admiring this man for?”
I shake my head. “Was just looking at the wall of alumni,” I say. “Wondering why his is so big in comparison.”
Nolan looks around the room. The walls are covered with five-by-seven frames lined up in neat rows. In a couple years, the walls will be covered. I’m curious to know what they’ll do then.
“No idea.”
For another minute, I stare at the portrait. He’s significant, though I don’t know why. I’ll never know why.
“Tavis asked why you’re not at the arena.”
“You playing errand boy?” I ask.
He grins. “I figured I’d find you at the frat house, and no one else can get in, so here I am.”
I hum.
“You going to join us or what?”
“Why? I wasn’t drafted. What do I have to offer his athletes?”
Nolan’s smile softens, and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. I laugh quietly but hug him in return. He’s certainly huggy. Something I only found out once he forced me to go home with him after graduation.
I wish I’d known earlier. There were a lot of times I’d have liked a hug or two.
“I hear you’re working with Van Doren Technologies,” he says.
“Wow, news travels fast.”
He grins. “You’re dating my cousin. What do you expect?”
Dating. Right. My heart jumps at his words, but there’s one truth that continues to worry me. When will he drop me? His season begins soon. He’ll be heading back to Washington, having been a late trade this summer.
His arm tightens. “I hope you don’t take this as an insult, but it’s equally important for them to see that you can still find success and happiness if you’re not drafted.”
“Am I either of those things?” I muse.
“Aren’t you?”
“Nolan, I haven’t started my job yet. Can it really count as success? And I couldn’t cut it as a hockey player, but I was able to land one in bed. Again… is that enough to fulfil the requirements of happiness?”
“You and Jude okay?” Nolan asks.
I sigh. “Yeah. We’re fine.” For as long as we’re going to last.
He studies me for a few minutes. “You hide your misery well, Conner.”
“I’m not miserable. I just sound miserable. I’m saying I’m not a role model for the team.”
“You’re wrong.” I shake my head, but he continues. “You still think you’re a failure, but you’re wrong. Every path is a success as long as you’re moving forward. This might not be your forever future, but it’s your present, and it’s not something to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not—”
“You are a little, or you wouldn’t still be thinking of yourself as a failure.
I’m not minimizing how much it sucks, but it’s not the end of the world not to be drafted, Lang.
It’s really not. Do you know how many people actually land the exact career they want right after graduation?
I bet the percentage statistics are in single digits. Does that mean they’re all failures?”
“What are you doing?”
“Marrying a successful hockey coach. Duh!”
I laugh and shake my head.
“I don’t have a plan yet,” Nolan says. “Does that make me a failure?”
I flinch at his question and shake my head.
“You’re officially much farther ahead on the success meter than I am.”
I want to argue, but I’m not sure if that argument is because I still don’t think my situation constitutes success, or if I hate the idea that Nolan alluded to being the failure in this situation.
“Fine,” I say begrudgingly.
He laughs and grabs my arm, tugging me toward the door. “Let’s go. Before I round up the pledges and make them carry you to the arena.”
Rolling my eyes, I follow. My skates are in Coach’s office, so I lace up, grab an LU Badgers beanie, and follow Nolan to the ice.
The team is there, going through drills with Jude and his father.
There’s a smaller group talking to others.
A couple more of Coach Tavis’ connections linger around—including my agent.
I avoid that end of the arena as I step onto the ice. A sense of home settles over me. The ice is the one place where I’ve always felt absolute belonging and peace. In a childhood filled with the threat of hell, hockey was my escape.
Only a quarter of the players are new, so I’m greeted by many of my friends. We catch up. They all ask what I’m up to, and it’s difficult to admit that I wasn’t drafted. Especially when I see their surprise. Disappointment. Maybe a little fear that it could be them.
It’s hard to keep my own fear of my future from my expression. It’s difficult not to let those feelings reflect in my voice so they can see just how much it affects me.
I skate around with them. Run through some drills. Shoot some pucks. Laugh with them. For a while, I forget that I’m only here visiting.
Coach calls the team to him, and the group I’m messing around with skates away to take a knee in front of him. Jude’s dad joins him, and they talk to the team.
Jude stops at my side. “You’re hot on the ice,” he says.
I roll my eyes. “You think everything I do is hot lately.”
“Lately? Apparently, I kept that to myself early on.”
I glance at him and try to smile, but my heart races. “You’re heading to Seattle after this stop.”
Jude grunts, his eyes on his father.
“So…”
When I don’t finish, he looks at me. “So what?”
“That’s it then, yeah?”
His eyebrows knit together. Not that I blame him. I don’t want to say the words out loud, and I’m not being very clear.
“We’re… done?”
Jude frowns. “Do you want to be?”
“Well, no, but summer is over, and now we need to get back to life. Right?”
“And you think the only way to do that is to go our separate ways.”
“Not the only way, but…”
“Fool,” Jude says, shoving me. I stumble slightly before catching myself. “I’m keeping you, Conner. You’re the best dick I’ve ever had.”
I stare at him with a deadpan expression.
Jude laughs before taking hold of my shirt and tugging me to him.
I land flush against his chest. “I don’t know what gave you the impression that this was just a summer fling, but that’s never crossed my mind, hun.
While my comment about you being the best dick I’ve ever had stands, I don’t want to stop seeing you.
Not now. Not tomorrow. Not when hockey starts, and I’m away for weeks at a time on away games.
I want to see where we go in the future. Together. Me and you.”
My heart stutters so much that I think I might get lightheaded. “That’s…”
“You look so thrilled with my declaration,” Jude says, amused. “Are you still thinking of Ady?”
I laugh and close my eyes. “No. But if I were ever going to swing that way, she’d be my first choice.”
“Oh, same. Hands down. I’d let her put me on a fucking leash, dude.”
More laughter bubbles out of me.
“She’s sweet,” Jude says more seriously.
“Her appeal isn’t just in appearance but because she’s truly a beautiful person, inside and out.
There are very few people in this world who exude the kind of confidence Ady does, which I’m convinced is why I have a little bit of bisexuality in me.
There’s only been one other girl who I’ve considered swinging straight for. ”
“Who?”
“Interestingly enough, a different Van Doren. They just breed them differently in the Van Doren world.”
I laugh again.
“Just you wait. Wait until you meet Greylyn. Hot, sweet, and can rip you in two. All without breaking a nail.” He whistles.
Grinning, I shake my head.
“But seriously. You and me. For real. You down?” Jude asks.
I nod. “Yeah.”
He beams and kisses me right there on the ice. It starts sweet, but Jude isn’t good at sweet. He likes to lick. Open-mouthed kisses are his favorite, so it isn’t long before we’re really kissing.
A chorus of “WooOOOooo” has me pulling away. The team is twisted to look at us. The hockey arena is filled with whistles and catcalls.
I huff, pulling away.
“Yeah, yeah,” Jude says. “First time you’ve seen a man kiss his boyfriend, huh? Well, get your fill, you hornballs.” He grabs me again and kisses me harshly.
Laughing through our kiss, I push him away, but he doesn’t let me go. We stumble around on our skates for a minute until we’re sprawled on the ice. Jude scrambles to get on top of me, pinning me beneath him, and beams.
“You’re caught,” he says, smirking.
“I’m okay with that,” I answer, keeping my voice far quieter than his announcement. I’m definitely okay with that.