Chapter 38
Landon
Everyone is staring at me expectantly, and it dawns on me how stupid this is. I look over at Grady. No. I’m not doing this. Fuck it. I look back at my parents. “Angie is pregnant. I’m going to be a dad.”
Mom blinks. Dad’s head swivels to Angie, who gives him a sheepish wave.
Lola and Callan are staring at our parents, waiting for more…
or something. Anything. I decide to just keep talking even if they’re in too much shock to listen.
“And no, we aren’t together. We aren’t getting back together. I’m actually… I’m seeing someone else.”
“And I’m completely okay with that,” Angie adds. “We’re good.”
“And I’m going to have full, sole custody of the baby.”
“And I’m also good with that. I want that,” Angie tells them.
Mom just keeps blinking. Dad stops looking at me and turns to look at Grady. In that moment, I know he’s figured it out. I hold my breath.
“Mom,” Lola prompts. “Do you want some water?”
Mom shakes her head. “This… It’s a lot.”
“I know,” I agree and move to sit on the coffee table in front of her so we can be eye-to-eye.
“But Mom, I almost died. I thought the cancer also took my chance to even be a dad. So even though this isn’t perfect, or how I’d have hoped to become a dad, I’m still really fucking lucky I get to be one.
So I’ll take her, and all the hard work that comes with her. And I hope you can support me.”
“Landon, I always support you.” Her eyes flood with tears as she cups my face. “Did you say her?”
“We know it’s a girl.”
“A girl.” She blinks, and tears fall, and as she wipes them away, Dad wraps his arm around her. “We’re grandparents?”
“In a few more months, yeah.”
“And you two… are you sure it’s over?” Mom’s eyes bounce from me to Angie.
“We’re sure,” we say in unison.
Mom looks disappointed at that, and I don’t hold it against her.
There’s a lot going on right now, and she’ll need time to process it all.
I know when she figures out what Dad seems to have already figured out, she’ll understand and accept what’s happening here.
I stand up again and look at Grady. “I have another person in my life, but it’s new and I’m scared this will put too much of a strain on things.
It’s already so complicated. So, I have to figure out how to do this alone. And I will.”
“You are never alone,” Dad says emphatically, still rubbing Mom’s arm.
“If we have to move to Maine or whatever team you play for next to help with the baby during the season, we will,” Mom vows.
“Thank you. I’m not going to tell you I don’t need that because I might.” I look at Grady again.
“Now that the cat’s out of the bag, can someone feed me?” Angie asks with a gentle smile. “I never did get my ice cream and pickles.”
“Let’s go to the store,” Lola suggests. “Landon, rest. Mom and Dad, and Grady stay here. Callan, come with. We’ll pick up dinner for everyone, too. Lisa’s Pizza?”
“Sounds great,” I say and look at Grady. “Vertigo burns calories. I can cheat tonight.”
“Yeah, worrying does too, so I don’t feel guilty.” He winks.
I love him so much, but despite his being here and all the lovely declarations he made, I’m still worried he’ll run if I dare to say those words.
Only time will tell. I ask my parents what room they want, offering them my bedroom since it’s the biggest. Dad says they’ll stay upstairs and grabs the overnight bag they hastily packed and brings it upstairs.
The rest of the night is oddly normal. We eat, watch a Netflix movie, and talk.
Coach texts me to tell me the Riptide won and asks if I’m okay.
I set up a meeting with him for the next afternoon and tell him I’ve been cleared to play.
I hear Grady’s phone go off and know the coach invited him to the meeting too.
Angie goes to bed first, then Callan and Lola leave to head back to school, and while Mom and Dad tidy up, I walk Grady halfway home. We don’t talk, but he does slip his hand into mine. When he stops to say goodbye, he looks anguished. “I’m sorry. Again.”
“It’s okay,” I say and let go of the hurt still stinging the corners of my heart. “We’re figuring it out.”
“You didn’t tell them. About us.” Grady looks anxious, and I realize he must have taken that as a sign I wasn’t sure, or changing my mind.
I squeeze his hand. “I told them I was seeing someone.”
“You didn’t explain.”
“I can if you insist,” I reply. “I’ll take out a full page in the Portland Herald if that’s what you want.
But it just hit me, when I was about to tell them that I was bi and that I was in…
like with a guy. Why do I have to? No one does that—comes out—when they’re straight.
Why am I expected to do this, because I’m not? ”
“Because…” Grady’s forehead wrinkles, he’s thinking about it so hard.
It makes me grin. “Mom will ask me my new girlfriend’s name when she’s over the shock of the baby, and I’ll say Grady, and he’s not a girl. Anyway, I have a feeling my dad will explain it to her before I do. I saw something spark in his head.”
“Yeah, well, he probably knows a goalie wouldn’t willingly walk away from a game for a dizzy bestie.” Grady smiles and winks.
I laugh and step into him so we’re chest to chest, still holding hands. “What about you? How are you going to make your family aware?”
“I’ve thought about this for decades and come up with a million different scenarios,” Grady says softly.
He looks lost in an avalanche of those potential scenarios, but then he blinks and refocuses on me.
“I’m just going to tell my parents, in person.
The rest of them, I’ll send a text to the group chat. ”
“Bold.” I laugh, and he tilts his head down.
“I’m terrified,” he admits in a rough whisper.
“Try becoming a dad to a little girl,” I whisper back. “That’s terrifying too.”
“You’re going to be a great girl dad,” Grady tells me. “And I wanna be right there cheering you on every step of the way.”
He runs his knuckles down my cheek. I shiver. “You’re going to be a great openly gay hockey player. And I’m going to be right there with you. I got you.”
“Can we start with a public kiss?” Grady asks. “I’ve never done that.”
“Finally, I get to be your first.”
He dips his head, and our lips collide.