Chapter 5
FIVE
Mase
Silence fills the car. I should get out, but I wait, dialling Nina one more time.
She left without her key and the thought that she won’t be able to get back in is messing with my head.
I shouldn’t care. Ellis is here with me and is safe.
He drifted off before we made it to the end of Nina’s street, and instead of taking him inside and putting him to bed, I’m sitting here, staring into the parking garage.
My knee bounces as I spin my phone between my fingers. I’ve called five times already with no luck. I contemplate calling Lucy, but she deals with enough of our shit as it is.
What if she goes home and can’t get inside?
Unlocking my phone, I try once more.
Nothing.
“For fuck’s sake!”
I run my hand down my face, annoyed that I’m even letting it bother me. She can sort herself out. She needs to grow up.
I pull open the door and go to stand when my phone lights up with a text.
Nina
Nina’s asleep. Stop calling. I have a spare key to hers. I’ll have her call tomorrow. Joey.
Joey? She went to fucking Joey! My rage is boiling to the surface as I get out of the car and slam my door.
Ellis wakes, crying instantly.
Fuck!
I move quickly to his side of the car. “Hey, it’s okay, mate. Come here.” I lift him from his car seat and pull him into my jacket, trying to calm him.
He nuzzles into my shirt, his eyes slowly drifting closed. Thank god! Everything inside me calms. Nothing really matters when he’s in my arms.
I carry him into the lift and up to the penthouse. It’s dark and cold and everything I always hated about it—before her anyway. Ellis is the only thing that makes it home anymore.
His bedroom is next to my own. I had the wall knocked through to create a door between the two rooms. I don’t like being away from him. I place him in his cot then plant a soft kiss to his head, watching him for a moment as he roots around and settles onto his tummy.
“I love you, son,” I tell him.
He’s hard to look at some days. With his brown eyes and deep-set dimples. Everything about him is Nina, and I love him. But I find it impossible to love her.
The shower spray hits my back, running down over my shoulders. I wash my body on autopilot, then rest my arms against the cool tile. Why the fuck is she with him? She should be with the girls, or Maggie. Where are the fucking girls?
I knew they’d been growing close. Lucy doesn’t think anything has happened, but I know she doesn’t let anyone in easily. To think Joey is someone she chooses to run to… It speaks fucking volumes.
When Elliot told me Nina had let Joey meet Ellis, something inside of me broke. The idea that he would be around my son, and I’d have no idea what they’d be doing. It’s almost too much to bear.
Knowing Nina is the mother that she is, is the only thing keeping me from putting a stop to it. Because I fucking could. But she wouldn’t allow anything to happen to Ellis, she trusts Joey and I have to trust that.
I just don’t like it.
Nina
My lungs burn as I come to a stop at the edge of the green, my hands on my knees as I bend and try to catch my breath.
“Jesus, woman, slow down. You won’t make it home.”
I lift my head and watch Joey as he stretches and prepares to go again. I’ve pushed hard this morning. Harder than normal. Joey is always out in front, telling me to keep up, but not today. Today I left him and every one of my thoughts behind me.
Running has become my new form of release. It’s what I used to do when things got too much at home. I would run around our neighbourhood until I was sure my mum would have passed out or be gone for the night.
It didn’t take a lot to get me back into it again. Joey and I go whenever Ellis is with Mason and sometimes, Joey will watch him for me so I can go alone. It works to fill the void my dancing used to.
For now.
“That’s the idea,” I force out. “You go on without me. I’m good to go at my own pace.”
“You can come back to mine, you know. You don’t have to worry about being at the apartment alone.” He drops to the bench and starts to tie his shoe. “We could get takeout?”
“You have work to do.” I plant my hands on my hips. I know he’s busy.
“Get the girls over then or go out. You haven’t been out in months. You need to find a way to relax on the days you have off.”
“I don’t want a day off!” I snap.
His face drops. A sad smile forms on his lips. “I know that, and I get you can’t turn the emotions off, that’s not what I’m suggesting. I just think maybe you should be finding an outlet for some of this.” He gestures to me.
“This?”
“You know what I mean. Jesus, you’re extra snappy today.”
“What do you mean, this?”
His eyes close briefly as he mulls over his words. “Nina, you haven’t danced in—”
“Goodbye, Joey!” I spin on my heel and take off in the opposite direction to home.
“Nina!”
I don’t need him telling me what I should be doing. He knows this. My entire life, I have made my own choices. I’m not about to have Joey tell me I should be dancing. He has no idea why I stopped. I don’t know why I stopped. All I know is it won’t be forever; I just need some time.
“You know, I’m starting to see the whole issue Mason had with you running off all the time.”
Joey wants to die today.
“Stop talking, please.”
He chuckles, his shoulder bumping mine as he matches my every step. “That’s shit banter, I’m sorry.”
“I want to run alone,” I puff out, trying to control my erratic breathing.
“No, you don’t.”
I peek up at him. He’s looking straight ahead, knowingly giving me the privacy I need after calling me out.
He’s right. I don’t want to run alone. I don’t want to go home alone, because when I do, I go home to silence.
I used to find peace in my music—my dancing.
Then I found it in Mason, but at some point, the line became blurred, and when Mason left, so did the music.
“I’ll be here until Sunday. Just let me know when you need me, okay?”
I don’t answer him.
I know he knows how grateful I am to have him.
“Is anyone going to eat that?” Megan asks, leaning in and taking the last taco before we can answer.
“Do we have a choice?” Scarlet laughs as Megan bites into it.
“Nope.”
We’re sitting on the lounge floor, with the food we made laid out on the table. Saturday nights almost always consist of this. Just me and the girls and the best food and wine we can afford.
“I am so full,” Lucy moans, unbuttoning her jeans and dropping back to the sofa. “Why do I always do it?”
“You’d think we would get fed up,” Megan replies, taking another bite.
“I’ll be asleep by nine at this rate. I think I’m in a food coma,” I groan, my eyes feeling heavy.
“God, you guys! This is pathetic. We’re all nearly thirty years old; we should be out.” Scarlet stands. “Let’s go out!”
Lucy, Megan, and I all sit prone in our spots, not moving a muscle. “No.” I laugh. “I need a month’s notice for a night out these days.”
“Oh, man up. We’re going out. I’m calling Vinny.”
“No! Scar, not tonight we can plan it for the weekend after next,” I tell her.
“Nope, you’ll blow us off for flipping Joey or something,” she jokes.
“I saw him today by the way.” Lucy looks pointedly at me. “Joey. He said to check on you because you were struggling.” She rolls her eyes; the standard look I get whenever Joey Wilson is the topic of conversation.
Mason may have hurt me, but Ellis ties him to all our lives, and the girls seem to hold the torch for him even if I don’t. “You know I can be here whenever, Nina? Please stop going to him. He literally only wants into your pants.”
“That’s not fair, Luce. Joey’s had a shitty year. So have I. It’s nice to have someone who understands that.”
“We understand!” she exclaims.
They don’t. They’re here for me, they help me, and they do everything they can to make my life that little bit easier. But they don’t understand what it feels like to be truly alone. “Joey hasn’t ever tried anything with me. Not once. He isn’t interested in me in that way.”
“You’re crazy if you believe that, and it pisses me off a little. You’re not stupid, Nina.”
“Alright girls, let’s agree to disagree. Megan, make some cocktails. I’m going to call Vinny and you two.” Scarlet points between me and Lucy. “Go braid each other’s hair or something. We’re going out.”
We’re at Melders. Not my first choice of club, but it’s raining tonight so Scarlet wanted to go somewhere we wouldn’t have to wait.
Memories of the last time we were here smother me the moment we enter.
The wingback chairs I sat on with Mason are now filled with other waiting suits.
I wonder if he still comes here. When he doesn’t have Ellis, does he go out?
I’ve never allowed my thoughts to wander to him as much as I have over the past week.
It’s always been easy to keep my mind off him, but now that I’ve seen him again. I feel… off.
“Drinks, then dancing,” Megan shouts. “Girl, you look hot!” She flicks my hair back from my shoulder and beams at me.
“She does, doesn’t she,” Lucy says proudly, eyeing up her handiwork.
The girls went to town on me. I have on a white shirt that doubles as a dress, a pair of thigh-high nude boots, and a belt pulled around my waist to give the shirt some shape. My hair is poker straight. It took Lucy a good hour to get it under control.
“Too good. We’ll have to keep an eye on you tonight, girl!” Scarlet smiles.
“Drinks!” Megan pulls Lucy deeper into the club and we all follow.
We order and then make our way down the steps to the dance floor. It’s packed tonight, which is standard for a Saturday, but the DJ is some hotshot and it seems like everyone had the same idea.
“Stay together tonight, girls!” Lucy calls over her shoulder as she uses her body to push through the crowd.
We dance for what feels like hours, occasionally popping to the bar to get refills. We have ignored every bit of attention given to us and just had fun together, and honestly, I think it’s the girls’ way of easing me back into the partying scene.