Chapter Five
The past
Clayton
Nightfall fog paints the air around us as we hide behind a bush. The grocery store is almost closed as the worker is grabbing his things and heading towards the front door.
“What are we waiting for?” Elsie whispers.
I don't respond as I keep my eyes locked onto him. Just a minute.
Jackpot.
He puts his hand into his pocket, searching for his pack of cigarettes.
He keeps looking around as I grab Elsie’s hand and urge her forward as we rung alongside the store and into the back.
Before Elsie could speak, I placed a finger onto her lips and fought the urge to slide them along her bottom lips.
They are the softest thing I have felt ever.
Her eyes look up at me with hesitation and a hint of fear. I smile assuring her.
As if I would let the world corrupt her.
Focusing on the sounds around us, Keys clinging to each other echo in the store and satisfaction boosts my body as I reach to the handle of the back door.
The worker opens the front door and closes it.
I use the sound of the door shutting to open the back door and find it unlocked as usual.
I push Elsie inside gently with a hand on her back and close the door behind us as we stand inside the storage room.
Brooms, buckets, boxes of detergent spread into the dark room.
I walk towards the inside of the store, peaking my head slowly as I search the area.
Lines of shelves containing different foods and cleaning supplies scatter the store. A small hand grips my arm.
“Clay, I'm scared.”
“Weren’t you so cool?”
She hits my arm, smiling. I walk beside the cashier and turn on one light switch. Green led light flicker onto one of the fridges. It's a risk to turn the light on, someone might see us but the fear in Elsie’s eyes makes it worth it.
Her shoulders sag down in relief a bit as she looks around stepping forward in hesitation.
I lean onto the counter, grabbing a screwdriver from my backpack and push it into the drawer as I hit the end of the screw a few times.
The drawer springs open as dollar bills are arranged in orders of fives and tens.
I grab all the cash that I can and stuff them into the backpack and my eyes cast to Elsie as she stands in front in the snacks aisle with wonder in her eyes as she stares at the colorful options of chips.
I watch her mesmerised by the way the green led light makes her hair the lightest shade of sage green. I wish I was a painter to sketch out every angle of her fascination. The brush would move fluently, speaking the feelings that I can't describe.
I stand beside her as the buzz of the fridge grazes my ear and I take in her innocent face.
“Have you tried any of these chips before?”
She shakes her head as she grabs one and moves forward and I take the chips back from her as she looks back at me in question and I smile “You can choose whatever you like and I will carry it.”
“But isn’t this wrong?”
I shrug. “It is but following the rules is boring and tonight we can do whatever we like.”
She grabs packs of gummies and her smile turns bigger the more candy she grabs and I don't mutter a breath of complaining.
“I need to get new glasses.” I remember as I pass by a mirror. Elsie stops and crosses her arms. “you wear glasses?”
Does she think it is stupid to wear them?
I nod as she giggles. “You are a nerd.”
She looks over the glasses options and grabs a circular shaped ones with silver rims “This one, try it.” I look down at the amount of snacks on my arms and she puts the glasses on me herself as I bask in her closeness and hold my breath since it might be horrible.
I turn to the mirror and look at myself.
I don’t currently have any bruises on my face which I'm grateful for.
I want Elsie to feel safe with me.
I can't let her see my scars and bruises or she will think I'm weak and not good enough to protect her.
“I like them, you look cool.” she puts her arm on my shoulder and my breath hitches as I smile. “Then those are my glasses from now on.”
She feels proud of herself as she reaches higher on her tiptoes and crosses her eyes, sticking out her tongue in the mirror and I can’t help but laugh. “What are you doing?” she ignores me as she keeps making silly faces, each one more ridiculous than the other.
She grabs me by my sweater and pulls me closer to the mirror surface as she squeezes both my cheeks and spreads them apart, my teeth show and there is a missing tooth in the back when one time my father punched me so hard he knocked it out.
I raise both my brows the highest I can get and she laughs and presses her left side of her face to my right one and I stare at our eyes.
“I like your eyes, they remind me of summer trees.”
My face flushes.
“I like yours too.” I whisper.
After losing our minds in front of the dirty mirror, we walk into another aisle as I grab a blanket. A hand slaps mine.
“Ouch, what was that for?!”
This is the least pain I have ever felt but it felt nice to say how I feel out loud.
“This blanket has cars on it.”
“So?”
She rolls her eyes as she searches the other ones and grabs a light blue one with stars on it as she puts back the cars one. “This one is better.”
She looks at me as if I would disagree and I really want to tell her how wrong she would be if she thinks I’m capable of refusing anything she suggests.
I shrug. “Sure.”
She walks over the front of the store, picking up a plastic basket and I rush to her crouching.
As I organize our things into the basket, making sure everything fits symmetrically. “Are you ready to go?” She doesn’t answer me for a while as I look back over my shoulder.
She’s holding a medium carbon bowl of instant noodles. “My parents never let me try this ever.” She moves the bowl from side to side in consideration and I stand up, walking over to her as I grab another one and put them both in the basket.
“Thank god your parents are not here now, you can try them as much as you like. I haven’t tried them either. So, let’s do it together.”
She grins and holds my hand as I adjust her hood over her head and mine. Grabbing the basket with one hand, keeping my free hand holding her as we walk back out of the backdoor.
“Why are we in the woods?”
Her fear is heard through her breathing as I squeeze her hand. Walking further between the trees, moonlight guiding us as owls hoot over us on the branches. Our legs snapping the leaves beneath us. I keep leading her till we find a perfect spot, away from any danger or prying eyes.
Letting go of her hand as she rubs her arm looking around confused. I put the basket down and look over the two small tree branches, taking out the blanket.
“You haven’t had your chance to camp with your parents.” I look up, planning out how I will make this work as I smile at her. “I want to change that.”
After some trials I managed to tie some branches, the leaves casting a shelter for us.
Elsie puts the basket and takes out a small blanket as she frowns at me “I didn’t put this in here.” I nod as I pull on the ties, testing them.
“Well, I figured we would need an extra one.” I smirk as her hands wrap around the cars blanket. I hold back my laughter as much as I can. Her angry expression is still adorable.
“Fine.” She mutters under her breath and I grab the box that has a tent to build. Elsie helps me follow the instructions, not that I need any help but she’s persistent.
After building the fort, I chose an easy one to build so it won’t be heavy for us to carry.
Elsie spreads down the cars blanket inside the tent as I walk around gathering small sticks. She has a bag of chips open, munching on them as I put down the sticks and grab two stones, trying to spark the flame.
“I want to try.” I nod as she sits beside me on her knees and I let her hold the stones, my hands over hers as I maneuver her.
“You scratch them together quickly but the rocks should have sharp angled edges, and it would cause a spark that catches on the sticks and make us a fire.” her eyebrows are pinched in concentration, tongue sticking out a bit from the side of her lips as she tries and nothing happens.
“Try again.”
Her ice blue eyes gaze at me and she tries again.
And again.
Her hands lower down in disappointment as I raise them back up, squeezing her hand “one last time, focus.”
She takes a deep breath.
A spark ignites onto the sticks as I lower down and blow on it to encourage it to grow and she copies me. Once we get our fire and feel the warmth around us she smiles and punches the air. “I did it!”
Arms wrap around me as her body weight falls onto me, I catch her as my glasses fall over from the impact.
“Thank you, Clay. For all this.”
my eyes widened. Elsie is the first person to ever thank me for anything. Everyday I live as a burden, all the basic needs should be deserved. Her hug makes me feel the constant weight on my heart evaporating. My arms hover inches from her back, hesitating.
Would she realize how messed up and undeserving I am and pull away when I hug her back. Her arms tighten around me as if her soul read my mind and assures me.
I slowly let my arms touch the soft texture of her sweater and bury my face in her hair. My body sags as I let the warmth envelop me.
Wow, hugs do feel good.
“Thank you, thank you.” She keeps going.
No Elsie, thank you.
She pulls away a bit, my fingers tighten onto her for a second then let go.
“Come on now, we need to try all these snacks.” She crawls into the tent and I follow her.
We inhaled all the snacks in record time, laughing as Elsie’s cheeks were full of candy. I never had tears in my eyes with how much I laughed. We both hold our instant noodles as smoke swirls between us.
The fire crackles in front of the tent as we bask in the warmth and the comfortable silence.
“Tell me about your family, Clay.”
My heart drops a beat as I stare at the fire. Why is she asking about them?
“What do you wanna know about them?” I swallow, swirling the noodles in the water.
She inches closer as she chews “Did they fall in love when they met? My mom always told me the story of how she met my father while she was driving her car on a road trip and her car broke down and dad helped her. The beach was beside them and they decided to take a walk and talk together and since then they have been together.” the wonder in her eyes how she talks about her parents sickens me.
“That’s…nice” I struggle to find a way to sound more enthusiastic.
She looks at me with that soft innocent smile that’s still full of hope.
I open my mouth to create an imaginary story of how my parents are amazing and sickenly in love.
How everyday we sit together at the same table and eat delicious meals that are made with love.
How they tuck me in my bed and read stories or we watch tv together.
But my throat tightens, the collar of my sweater feels heavier as I reach up and pull onto it.
“Clay?”
Her voice is an echo I can barely catch through the raging ringing in my ears, my vision blurring.
A hand reaches out and touches my rib “Clay, are you okay?” I flinch as I step back and spill some water on my legs.
She takes her hand back, panicking. “Oh I’m so sorry, let me help you.
” She wipes the water away with the sleeve of her sweater.
“Did I hurt you?” I shake my head as my lips tremble.
Her eyes fall to my mouth and her gaze softens as she inches closer slowly and holds my hand. “It’s okay to cry sometimes.”
A tear slips down my cheek as it trails down to my lips and I taste its bitterness. My hands shake in hers but I don’t cry.
“Can I show you something?”
She nods slowly.
“Promise me you won’t be scared or disgusted.” I plead as I hold my pinky finger for her. A second passed and she locked her finger with mine. “I promise.”
I let go of her hand and reached to the hem of my sweater, raising it. My bruised rib appears and I soak in her face for the reaction. Her eyes widen when she realizes and her vision fills with tears.
“You didn’t hurt me, Elsie. I’m already broken.”
She hugs me, burying her face in my neck as I cling to her back. “Everything broken can be fixed, even you.” Her words are supposed to soothe me but I can’t find it in myself to believe her.
I keep getting worse and I have to accept it. The darkness is the only thing that protects me.
She pulls away after a while and asks “Your parents are bad people?”
I shrug. I don’t think they’re bad people. I think they have a twisted fate and they chose to be tormented by it instead of taking responsibility for their actions and dealing with it.
The one who is taking responsibility for their faults is me and they make sure I pay for something I never had a hand in.
Every. Single. Day.
I have to be worthy to breathe , eat and bathe.
Instead of explaining my thoughts, I nod.
“Yes Elsie, they’re bad people. They have friends who are bad and they use them.
They are bad parents and they don’t like me.
” I hold her hand. “But don’t worry, I won’t ever let them see you or get close to you.
” My lips tremble. “I wish I was a better friend and we ride bicycles, play games together.”
she smiles. “We are already doing that, camping together, we played with dolls and we robbed a grocery store.” She finished her sentence with a giggle, tears forgotten as I smiled.
We keep our hands holding each other as she rests her head on my shoulder.
We stand before her home as the sun shines on the horizon. The foggy air still surrounds us as she lets go of my hand and heads towards her door. I wait for her to walk inside safely, her hand reaching up to the door handle but she stops, I frown.
She looks back at me over her shoulder and waves with a smile. “Merci d'être mon tout premier ami” She whispers as my frown deepens in confusion. I’m pretty sure she said thank you in French but I don’t understand the rest and I made a mental note to get into the language.
I shrug. “Sure, anytime.” Even though I have no idea what she said, she chuckles and gets inside her home quietly.
I walk away with my hands in my pocket and when I look back I see her waving at me from her bedroom window. She breathes onto the glass and draws with her pointer finger.
A smiley face wearing glasses.
And I can’t help but smile back.