Graveborn

Chapter Twelve

The present

Doll

The bath water turned ice cold, swishing around as I bent my knee to my chest. Water droplets slide down my thigh as I follow it with my gaze.

It took me some time to finally learn how to soak myself in water and silence.

Clayton is very sweet and patient with me.

But, sometimes he shuts down. His face stiffs when I ask too many questions.

“Clayton, why is your hair brown and mine white?”

“Genetics.”

“Where can I get them?”

“You don’t need them.”

I always wondered, how does he know everything? Why don’t I remember how I came here? The only thing I know in this world is Clayton. I don’t like when he is angry, I want to know why I’m here. The books he reads to me show different people and ideas. Why can’t we talk to them?

But I promised him that I won’t ask again. These questions keep roaming in my head every day, they keep getting worse.

I stare at my palm, turning it on both sides as the veins swirl underneath my skin in green, blue and purple.

“Why do you call me Doll? Is that my name?”

He stares down at a mechanical machine, screwing as he answers “yes.”

That night I saw an old newspaper that had a picture on the left corner with kids holding small figures, smiling at the camera as the title read ‘new malfunctioned dolls for kids! Hurry and get yours’ I have traced the letters with my fingers, spelling each syllable.

Dolls isn’t a name, they didn’t move, they weren’t alive. I didn’t ask him again.

A harsh knock on the bathroom door “Doll, are you alright in there?”

“Yes.”

The bathroom tiles echo my voice as I lean back letting my head fall underneath the water.

The hollow sound that fills my ears always manages to make me calm.

If I focus more, the water starts to sound like a deep distant hum.

I wish I could stay here all the time. Clayton makes me feel safe but I don’t like the uneasiness I feel around him when his eyes turn cold.

My heart starts beating loudly in my ears as I emerge from the water, inhaling back air as I step out of the bath.

A purple bathrobe hangs behind the door, a small daisy flower stitched onto the front.

The fabric soft on my skin as I wear it, securing the string on my waist as I stand before the mirror.

My distorted reflection stares back at me.

The condensation slowly drips down the glass as I see myself clearly, unraveling with each drop.

I raise my hand, hovering over the mirror as I swipe with my finger the letters slowly. Spelling them with a hushed tone.

D o l l

I step back and look at myself with the letters. “Doll.” My hushed voice haunts the bathroom. “Doll.” I raise my arms, keeping my elbows tucked beside me as I say the small figures look like. “Doll.” My lips curl up in a toothy grin. “Doll.”

A frantic knocking sounds at the door. “Doll! I have been calling you, are you okay? Open the door.”

I hold the sink as I step forward, the knocking turns aggressive.

“Doll!” He yells as the door handle rattles.

I tilt my head to the side as my face inches closer to the mirror.

My eyes are blue with swirls of white, with a casted shadow of my white eye lashes that scatter around.

My skin is soft and pale, my white hair strands sticking to it.

The door shakes as Clayton throws his weight on it, grunting. I swipe away the letters I have written on the mirror as the door snaps open and smashes to the wall.

Clayton’s shoulders sag in relief. “You scared me.” He exhales as smile at him.

“Sorry.” His chest rises up and down as he walks towards me.

My gaze meets him through the mirror as my back tenses, feeling his presence behind me as I watch him wrap his arms around my torso, leaning his head down to rest his chin on my shoulder.

His breath grazes my neck and my body shivers.

“You see what I see everyday, Doll?” My brows furrow in confusion as he smirks.

His hand slides up over my neck, feeling my pulse as he wraps his fingers on my chin.

“You see how breathtaking you look? every single feature is magnificent. You’re the most beautiful creature in this world.

” My lips part, my breath hitches as his lips brush up my neck then he whispers in my ear. “Only mine.”

He steps back a bit as he lands a kiss on my temple and walks out.

I lean over the sink, head hanging down as I take in the breath I have been holding.

He owns my existence, even if I walk out of this house, I will go back to him.

He is my only safe place, without him I’m no one.

He knows me better than I know myself. He makes me feel safe, loved, cared for.

He is where I belong, my home. I love him and fear him.

I can’t take all the care he has given me for granted, I need to stop asking questions that aggravate him, I need to obey him, please him, because he is mine too.

We both belong to each other. We are home.

I’m not sure how long I have stayed like this. But the sound of a thud catches my attention. I stand still as I turn towards the doorway. “Clay?” I call out, hesitant.

A glass breaks downstairs then silence. I step out of the bathroom with my hand holding the doorway, water dripping down my body as my feet print on the floor. Is someone with Clayton downstairs?

“C-Clayton?”

I hear a faint voice of a sob as I step down the stairs. The lights are shut as I make a male silhouette in a corner on the ground.

I step forward and flinch when he yells suddenly. “Stop!” He bangs his head to the wall beside him. “STOP TALKING!” he screams, his head banging rapidly on the wall. The only sound that is around us.

“Clayton? Stop it. Why are you doing this?!” My hands started shaking uncontrollably, my lips trembling, feeling helpless.

“Stop! Just stop talking!” His screams are heart wrenching as I nod “o-okay s-sorry.”

I turn on a nearby lamp, the dim light showing his face.

Tears run down his eyes uncontrollably as his body shakes.

He has one knee bent to his chest as he breathes frantically.

His eyes wide as his glasses slide down his crooked nose.

I step towards him slowly, reaching out a shaky hand.

He jerks away as he looks behind me “SHUT UP!” His face reddens as his veins appear on his forehead.

He growls in frustration as he grabs a vase and throws it behind me.

The glass breaks onto the wall as he looks at someone behind me.

I turn around quickly and find only the demolished vase on the ground.

My gaze turns back to Clayton. “There is no one, Clayton, I-it’s okay” I keep inching towards him as best as I can, not sure what he will do next, so I keep a safe distance.

His eyes twitch as he looks at me, but his gaze doesn’t meet mine like they used to.

His green eyes were darker than the rich grass color they normally were.

He’s looking in my direction, but he’s looking through me.

As if there is another person in this room, speaking to him.

That’s why he has been screaming. He punches his temple as his mouth foam.

“Clayton, I’m here, it’s okay.”

He clutches his shirt over his chest “I—Can’t breathe” his voice raspy from all the screaming. He starts to choke as he sobs.

Realization hits me as I scurry towards the stairs, running frantically up towards the bedroom.

I open the first drawer, looking through the papers.

I find nothing as I slam it close and look through the other one.

The inhaler is under a black journal as I grab it quickly.

His choking sounds rise as I run back downstairs, almost tripping over.

“Here! I got it! Here, hold on.” I can barely breathe with how much I’m in a rush.

I kneel beside him as I shove the inhaler between his lips.

He gulps the air and slumps onto the wall.

His teary eyes are hazy as he stares back at me.

Letting the inhaler fall between us, closing his eyes in relief as if it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

“T-thank you.”

His eyes are still dark and I feel it in my bones that this isn’t Clayton. His eyelids shut for a few minutes and I stayed beside him, rubbing his chest and patting it.

“It’s okay, You’re safe.”

“It’s okay, you’re safe.” I soothe him the way he taught me when he has asthma. The words seem to calm him down every time.

His breathing seems to steady. I think he has fallen asleep, I smile as I sit beside him, brushing a strand on his hair back and massage his scalp. His head falls onto my shoulder and I hum a lullaby he used to sing for me when I couldn’t sleep.

His hoarse voice breaks the silence “don’t fear me, I won’t ever hurt you.” Our gazes meet, his filled with adoration and exhaustion as mine are pitying him.

I shake my head “I’m not scared of you, Clayton.” His lips turn up a bit in a smile full of sadness. “I—” he gulps, holding back his tears. “They don’t stop. They keep screaming at me.” His voice breaks as a single tear slides down his cheek.

“What do they say to you?” My fingers brush away the tear gently, he leans into the touch as an anchor.

“Everything.”

My fingers dance onto his face, tracing every feature as his eyelids flutter to the sensation. “They are gone now, Clayton, It’s just us.”

He shakes his head. “No, they never went away, ever since you left me. They screamed your name every night, while crawling close to me with each beat of my heart. Their voices haunt every waking moment of my life like your faint memory.” he murmurs, his hand reaching gently to cup my cheek as if he can't believe I'm real. “T-they tell me that it was my fault.” His lips tremble as he sniffles. “It was my fault, I didn’t mean to, I swear.” His words wobble through his lips, his body shakes.

“P-please forgive me” He clutches my robe, burying his face into my neck.

My hand wraps around his wrist as I murmur “nothing is your fault, you never hurt me.”

“You don’t remember. It will always burden me.”

Sighing heavily, knowing he isn't aware of his thoughts right now.

I let him stay in my arms as we sat on the cold floor for what seemed like hours.

His long legs outstretched as I console him.

The world sees his strength, fear him, but he lays between my embrace in helplessness, letting me see his weakness.

I will always cherish these moments. It makes me believe that I'm not the only one who is weak and needs his constant protection.

“They all have your beautiful ice blue eyes that paint my dreams in only your color. Sometimes, they whisper my name like you used to. I see them in the corners, softly crying out for me. Shadowy disfigured silhouettes with your voice. They lure me in close until they consume my vision and all I see around me is darkness. Then I hear them laugh at me, mimicking my failure in keeping you safe.” He chuckles

I try to wonder what he is talking about.

His eyes are now staring at the ceiling with a dazed look in them.

I lean down and kiss his forehead, my heart aches for his misery, I wish I can understand what he is going through, or how I can help.

“Why do they torment you, Clayton?” A tear drips down my eyes as I taste the saltness on my tongue.

His gaze turns back to me, his pupils dilating, following his thumb as he runs it over my lower lip.

“oh, mon ange, because i’m now diseased.

I became schizophrenic in your absence.” His eyes captured my features as if it was the first time he ever saw me.

“How can you be this alluring? It's extraordinary.” he inches his head up towards mine, our lips brushing as he whispers.

“Did you miss me, mon ange, as much as i missed you?” His lips meet mine in a feather light kiss.

My body freezes as I feel his hand run up through my hair, smoothing out the strands.

I keep my lips firm in surprise, he has never done this before to me and I'm not sure what to do.

Should I copy his lip movements, or would that upset him?

His body sags suddenly in my arms, his weight pressing on me as his head falls back.

I hold the back of his neck as he murmurs and I lean down to hear him “I will rest for a bit, please stay beside me.” His body falls limp, probably from exhaustion.

I look down and find his hand wrapped tightly around my wrist, afraid that I would leave him.

I release a breath I have been holding to calm myself. My lips Tingling as I run my finger on them, reminiscing the kiss, how his lips wrapped around mine.

But a thought keeps running in my mind as I furrow down at his unconscious form.

Why did he call me mon ange?