Ilaris
The sky was gray, the waters choppy with the restless angst before a storm, when the sea serpent surfaced to carry us south. Killian and I were still soaking wet, huddled together on the shore with our bags. I didn’t want to let go, of him, or my belongings.
What Numen had shown me felt like a dream, as though it were happening to someone else, not me, and if I spoke about it, it would become true.
I desperately did not want to speak about it, but truth was what the sea demanded.
No more shying away from admissions of guilt, from confessions. The sea demanded the obvious.
We climbed onto the slick scales of the beast, its back so wide my feet did not reach either side.
The scales were warm beneath my palm and as smooth and hard as a river-worn stone.
I sat cross-legged, my satchel in my arms, Killian beside me.
Jasper flew ahead, but soon he, as well as the shore, was lost to my vision.
A thought occurred to me as I sat there: I’d always thought of the truth in shades of gray, riddles with caveats and expectations that demanded handling.
But as the sea serpent dipped its head beneath the waves—its snake-like body moving back and forth, shifting through rivulets of water while keeping us above them—I realized the truth was black and white.
It was simple and plain, and it was only my limited thinking that made it appear complicated.
Limited knowledge, limited intellect that filled the world with messiness, the selfishness that led to corruption, and the quest to always, always reach for more.
Killian had confessed his guilt to Numen, owning it, taking all of it on himself.
As I listened to his words, a revelation settled over me.
How powerful the actions of one person could be.
I’d always thought one needed power and influence, needed to wait for permission to change the world.
But I didn’t need anyone’s permission but my own. I just needed to act.
“I always wanted the praise,” I said, breaking the sorrowful silence.
Killian shifted his body, facing me. His expression was careful, giving me space, but I could tell there were questions he wanted to ask, words he wanted to share.
This wasn’t my personal sorrow. We were in this together, bound by the blood oath.
Together we started this, together we’d finish this. I couldn’t leave him out of my grief.
He opened his hand. I placed my palm on top of his.
“I wanted to become a scholar because I wanted the glory, the accolades,” I continued. “I wanted the praise when I made a great discovery. I wanted my name to be there, carved in gold. I wanted to make something of myself, a nobody from the poppy fields.”
“It’s the same thing I wanted,” Killian said gently.
I nodded, took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“I wrote down everything, documented our journey, your stories. I drew sketches and kept them all in this journal. Somewhere along the way, though, I stopped thinking about the House of Scholars, about what they would say and do with my great discovery. I don’t remember when, but it stopped mattering, and I was writing for the enjoyment, I was drawing because it brought me joy.
Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you, and it made everything I’d striven for seem selfish and petty.
This quest we’ve been on, it hasn’t been long, yet time has shifted and I’ve grown up, matured in a way I did not expect.
I see the world with a fresh perspective.
It is vast and beautiful, full of mysteries and many ancient glories to behold.
I’m glad I got to see so many of the hidden places with you. ”
Killian lifted my hand and kissed it, his breath tickling my wrist. I shivered, a trace of delight shimmering, pooling, then fading. “You speak as though it is the end.”
My chest went tight. “It is, isn’t it? You saw what I saw, you know what I know, that sacrifice is required.”
“I know.”
The question hovered on the tip of my tongue. There was no delicate way to say it. “Is that why you’re so calm, because you’ve taken this journey before? What is dying like? Does it hurt?”
His fingers grazed my cheek. “It’s difficult to explain, but you don’t have to be afraid, Ilaris.
It’s only the beginning, and before, I had so much regret.
Now, I have a choice, and I know it’s the right one.
That is why I have peace. We aren’t out there, where the world is burning.
We are here, together. And that is far, far better than anything I experienced, or could have imagined. ”
I threw my arms around him, holding him close because even so, I was still frightened of what came next. Would I be brave enough to choose this, to step into the unknown? I had always been brave before, but now I felt shaky, unsure. “Tell me how to be calm, like you?”
He cupped my face with his hands, studying me.
“Ilaris. The worst that could happen is that the sea serpent dives and we are drowned in the depths. That the Four find us first and slay us before we reach my kingdom. The key isn’t dwelling in the possibilities and the what-ifs, it’s knowing where we are going, what we are doing, and finding the beauty in each moment.
Have you traveled the sea like this before?
On the back of a beast that could bring down ships?
Have you ever slept to the music of the deep water, knowing there is nothing to fear from the voices beneath the waves? ”
I smiled, already my heartbeat slowing. I breathed deep, tasting the salt spray on my tongue, feeling the cool mist settle around us. “Kiss me, Prince Killian. Fire Giant. Love of my heart. You always know what to say, and my heart is glad to have you.”