Chapter
Kimber
Present Day
I thought that I would have a few moments of quiet time before everything that was my family descended upon me.
I was wrong.
Oh, so wrong.
Because at the ass crack of dawn, literally, my phone was blowing up.
And all because my mother thought it would be a grand idea to have a group chat with all of the women in our family. Together.
For clarity purposes, this has taken place since my brother proposed to Holly Anne almost two years ago... to know what message awaits me this morning... one color... orange.
Becoming A Stevenson Text Thread
Mom – Decorum is key.
Mom – Wear your hair back.
Mom – Never let anyone know your true thoughts.
Mom – Never eat that first slice of cake; therefore, you won’t eat any of it, and gain unnecessary weight.
Mom – Don’t wear heels with jeans. It’s tacky.
Aunt Brenda – No. You’re just weird.
Aunt Kate – Agreed.
Mom – I am not.
K – You are.
Me – I plead the fifth.
K – Of course you do. Brown-noser.
Holly Anne – I can’t wait to be a Stevenson.
K – Gag.
Me – We can’t wait either.
Aunt Brenda – You’re going to be a wonderful addition to the family.
Aunt Kate – You really are. And even more so if you talk your brother into walking on the wild side with a sassy older woman.
Mom – Kate!
Aunt Kate – What?
Mom – You’re married.
Aunt Kate – And? We have an open relationship.
Holly Anne – He’s in a committed relationship.
Aunt Kate – How committed?
Holly Anne – So committed that he has her name tattooed on his ring finger.
Aunt Kate – That tells me nothing.
Me – I think it’s sweet.
K – You would.
Mom – Of course you would. Tattoos are the devil.
Aunt Brenda – You probably think belly button rings are the devil too.
Mom – They are.
Mom – Only seventeen more hours.
Holly Anne – I am so excited.
Mom – I get to have another daughter!
K – Yeah... so much fun.
Mom – Oh, K. Are your headaches hurting you again?
K – Yep.
And there was K being sarcastic as always.
And yes... K, is my sister. Just wait for her name... It’s going to make this night so much fun.
Aunt Brenda – Now don’t forget to shave everything. No man wants a bush.
Aunt Kate – Actually, Antonie likes the strip.
Me – Ummm, I didn’t need to know that.
K – Of course you didn’t. Miss Goodie Two-Shoes.
Mom – Kimber!
Aunt Brenda – Kimber, dear, you are missing out.
Aunt Kate – You really are. I know... I’ll set you up with Harold.
Me – Harold is gay.
Aunt Kate – No. He’s bi. I heard he has a magical tongue.
Mom – He does.
K – What?
Holly Anne – What?
Me – Say what?
Aunt Brenda – You pulled that stick out of your behind! W2G.
Aunt Kate – Yes!
Mom – Oh my god. He was with my hairdresser. She told me.
Mom – Honestly. Do you really think I would cheat on Robert?
K – You should.
Holly Anne – Umm.
Mom – K!
K – What? He cheats on you.
Mom – HE DOES NOT. Now, quit talking about your father like that. It’s disrespectful.
K – What’s disrespectful was Dad telling me not to tell you about it. Oops.
Holly Anne – I’m orange!
Holly Anne – *picture of her orange skin*
Mom – I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal.
Aunt Brenda – Orange is the new black.
Mom – Quit eating the pot brownies.
Mom – You're embarrassing.
Aunt Brenda – No. What’s embarrassing is that you seriously placed Kynton next to Kentral. They hate each other.
Aunt Kate – They shouldn’t have made that video. That was their fuck up.
K – True.
Me – I can’t see an eggplant the same way again.
Mom – As long as you see it in the manner that’s a small portion for you to eat, then I’m sure it’s fine.
No. What wasn’t fine was that my cousins, Kynton and Kentral, thought it would be funny to film a video of not using a banana for sex education purposes, but using an eggplant.
A purple eggplant. One that was ripe. One that was perfect looking on the shelf when they bought it.
And it wasn’t funny because Kentral’s girlfriend came out at the time, and well... shoved that thing up her vagina to help them... and the entire thing was caught on the video.
I shook my head.
Because I didn’t need that visual on a day like today.
Instead, I tapped my phone screen and texted back.
Me – I can come early to help you use an exfoliating scrub. See if I can help.
Holly Anne – No. It’s fine. I’ll do it.
Then my phone pinged with another text.
This one was my mom, but not in the group chat.
Mom – That was very nice of you, Kimber. Now don’t stop by the donut place I saw you enter last week. Your hips don’t need the calories.
I growled.
***
And then... as I passed the donut place, I smiled.
***
I was licking the wonderful chocolate glaze from my fingers as I climbed out of my car in front of The Chateau Plantation.
The place where anyone who was anyone got married in our part of Louisiana.
It was an old Victorian house that was built in the late seventeen hundreds to the early eighteen hundreds. It has been converted into the perfect venue.
With its white columns, two levels, twenty-two rooms, the inner courtyard, the wrought iron gates, and railings. As well as the greenery that sweeps along the railings.
I was never going to voice this aloud... but this was where I wanted to get married.
In a small ceremony in the inner courtyard... bliss.
But alas, my dreams never came true.
Like being a ballerina... my hips are too wide.
Being an astronaut... I get claustrophobic.
Being a dressage champion... I’m scared of heights.
My phone pinged with a text just then, bringing my thoughts back to the present.
But before I could move to my bag, I heard what sounded like Holly Anne screeching from the direction I knew the Violet room to be.
I winced as I made sure I had everything I needed, closed the door to my car, and hurried in that direction.
I sighed.
With my cotton candy dress in the bag that was slung over my arm, and my overnight bag on my shoulder, along with the grocery bag of things I stopped to grab to help Holly Anne, I opened the door to the Violet room and stopped dead.
I needed bleach.
I needed valium.
I needed to have my memory wiped.
I needed to never see the pasty, hairy ass that I was seeing ever again.
I also never needed to hear my maybe sister-in-law having an orgasm again.
I definitely didn’t need to hear her calling out, “Yes, Daddy!”
And the pasty, hairy ass man.... I would never be able to call him Daddy ever again.
My body moved before I could tell it not to.
I slowly walked backward and allowed the door to softly shut.
Well... hell.
That was when I pulled my phone out of my bag and checked my messages.
Eleven minutes ago...
Mom – The room has been changed to the Lavender Room. Apparently, there was a pipe bursting issue in the Violet room.
Yeah, there was definitely a pipe bursting.
Mainly the one that K, my brother Keith, and I came out of and into our mother.
And then I knew what had happened.
Dad must have told Mom that to keep her from knowing about him and Holly Anne.
And then I recalled what my sister K said in the group text.
He cheats on you.
How long has she known?
And why hasn’t she told me?
Told Keith?
I scrolled to the text thread with my sister and typed...
Me – So I just saw something I never wanted to see again.
Silence.
Me – K?
Silence.
Me – K! I need you.
Silence.
I growled.
Just then, the door to the room opened, and my father walked out, adjusting his tie, followed by Holly Anne, who was still orange.
Her mouth dropped open, and then she snapped it shut and smiled, “Hey, thanks for coming early. Your father gave me some ideas to get rid of the orange. Let’s get to it. Shall we?”
She pasted a smile on her face, wrapped her arm around mine, and propelled me down the hallway.
My father didn’t say a word.
I opened my mouth, then closed it.
And then repeated the process like an idiot.
What did one say when they saw something like that?
Ew?
How could you?
What were you thinking?
But before I could come up with something to say, Holly Anne squeezed my arm as my mother came into view.
“There you are. Bride to be. Why are you in this hallway when the Lavender room in on the other side of the building?” my mom asked.
“Well, about that...” I started to say.
But Holly Anne squeezed my arm to her side so hard that I winced.
“She wanted to show me the stuff she got to help me get rid of the orange. She parked on this side of the building.” Holly Anne quickly said.
I squeaked.
“That is not...” I started to say once again but was cut off by my mother.
“Let’s go get ready!” she squealed.
She spun then and walked away from us.
Holly Anne stepped in front of me and hissed, “Keep whatever you thought you saw to yourself. Keith knows. He’s fine with it. There’s no need for anyone else to know.”
Was I being a chicken by not standing up to her?
Yes. I was.
But... really... who would believe me?
I sighed.
Well... if Keith knew and was fine with it... I sighed again.
I was so going to hell.
***
Three hours later and a lot of exfoliating done, I was able to help Holly Anne get back to her peaches and crème skin color.
She was in her dress, and I was in mine, along with two other bridesmaids, and my mother was in her dress, along with Holly Anne’s mother.
The only person missing was my sister K.
Who hasn’t read a single one of the texts that I sent her at the behest of my mother.
And she hasn’t answered or returned any of the phone calls I placed, also at the behest of my mother.
But... perhaps I was going to redeem myself and wasn’t going to hell.
Because I just watched my father walk in and lick his lips at Holly Anne in her wedding dress and then step back out when his cell rang.
I pulled my mom to the side so I could tell her about what I saw.
“Mom?” I asked.
She looked at me, then down at my dress, “You were supposed to diet. The material, my freaking you know what, ha!”
I rolled my eyes when she didn’t say it correctly.
You know that saying... when you need to be sarcastic.
Like... ‘you’re stupid, my ass’ ?
Why in the world she didn’t say ass when she says cruel things without a care in the world, I’ll never know.
But I needed to say this, for my own peace of mind, therefore, I pushed her comment to the side, “Mom? This is important.”
“You're finally going to go on that all-liquid diet? Good.” She said as she tried to step around me.
“Mom. Stop. You need to listen to me.” I said.
Holly Anne spoke loudly, “Well, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
I looked at Holly Anne, who was glaring at me.
Glaring.
At.
Me.
I wasn’t the one who was caught with her panties around her ankles, and a man who wasn’t her fiancé with a cock that wasn’t her fiancé’s and was plowing into her from behind.
I glared at her.
She narrowed her eyes at me.
Just then, the wedding planner stuck her head in and said, “It’s time to go.”
“Mom!” I shouted.
“Kimber!” Holly Anne shouted as she shook her head.
Just then, the door opened even more, and my father stepped around the wedding planner and walked into the room.
“Are we ready?” he asked.
I glared.
“Yes. More than ready. Let’s go.” Holly Anne said.
Loudly, I blurted, “Mom, I walked in on Dad and Holly Anne fucking in the Violet room. There wasn’t a busted pipe.”
And... queue the crickets for only a beat.
Then, my dad and Holly Anne chuckled, “Really, Kimber? You're that jealous of Holly Anne that you would spread lies?”
“She’s always been jealous, Robert. I mean, she can’t seem to keep the weight off like I can.” Holly Anne shared.
I growled.
Then I looked at my mother. “It’s true. How else would I know that you told the three of us years ago that the surgery dad had to remove the mole had worked, but it apparently failed because I saw it on his right ass cheek.”
***
Blue lights flashed.
Ambulances were called.
And I was staring down at my cotton candy dress, with both of my parents having disowned me.
For embarrassing them.