11. Ryan #2
“You totally do. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you.
” He took a deep breath. “Ryan, if you want the dress, then buy it, babe. If you want to wear it tonight, then wear it. If you don’t think it’s time for you to come out in that public of a way, then wear your suit.
And if you don’t want to deal with this at all, then tell me, and we’ll go have some ramen.
I’ll be at your side no matter what kind of clothing you’re wearing.
You can be in a suit, in a dress, in a burlap sack.
You can paint your face silver, step into platform heels, and pretend to be Ace Frehley. RIP Space Ace.”
“I love that you love Ace,” I said and sniffled a bit more.
Gideon had a nice admiration for metal music just like me.
“This is such a big decision.” I sighed; my back bowed under the weight of years of hiding, fear of discovery, and shame.
Maybe… could I dare? “If I did buy the dress, and if I applied makeup and barrettes, would you promise to be at my side throughout the night for moral support?”
“I’m your date. I’ll be at your side no matter what you’re wearing.”
I really loved him. I did! How could I not?
Maybe it was too soon to have these feelings.
Probably. Perhaps I was just overwhelmed with his understanding and support.
More than likely, but my God, the feelings that I had for this man bursting open in my breast were unlike anything I’d ever felt before. No artificial high could compare.
“I’m torn. I feel like I want to do it, you know?” I pushed to my feet. “Like if I don’t do it now with this dress, and this night, with you at my side, I’ll never do it. I’ll spend the rest of my life trapped in a cage of zero self-expression.”
“I’m sure that if you feel this isn’t the right time, another opportunity will come along. I’m not pressuring you. You can buy the dress and wear it in private too. I’d love to see you in it.”
“It’s me, Gids. It really is. I could so rock that collar with my long neck. And if I wear my hair up, that will emphasize… am I really seriously contemplating this? Should this big of a decision be made in such a short span of time?”
“I can’t answer that for you, babe. All I can say is that no matter what outfit you’re in when I come to pick you up, I will proudly escort you into Waterways on the Lake.”
I sniffed back a stray tear. “You’re so sweet. I wish I could hug you right now.”
“Hug me later. Go buy the dress. I’ll see you at seven.”
“Okay, yeah, seven. I’ll be ready. Gideon, thank you. You’re an amazing person.”
“Not so sure about that, but thanks. Whatever you decide, I’ll see you at seven. And I’ll be proud to have you beside me.”
A shaky laugh escaped me. “I’m buying the dress.”
“Then go get your dress, babe.”
I pocketed my phone, threw back my shoulders, and walked into that little boutique as if I were a queen. And inside, way down deep where my heart thumped, I felt like a queen. A queen with a very handsome and genteel king to walk her past the dragons looking to feast on her pale flesh.
“Your hand is shaking, Bud,” Dad commented as I tried to apply a fake eyelash.
A nervous snort escaped me. “I know. I’m so glad I did my eyeliner earlier.
” I took a deep breath and delicately placed the sticky lash on my eyelid.
Dad handed me a small blow dryer. He was serving as my cosmetic wingman tonight.
Time was not on my side. I messed around so long at the mall being a weepy Wanda that I was now running out of time.
Gideon would be here any second, and I still wasn’t fully dressed.
I did not want to greet him in my old makeup robe and scruffy house slippers.
I had new heels to wear with the dress so my feet would be sore come the end of the night, but my spirit would be light as a cloud. I was doing it. I was doing it!
Somehow, I’d found the courage to dress as my heart dictated. My stomach was a tight knot of anxiety, but I was one more eyelash, an application of lipstick, and a dress away from my life being forever altered. And Gideon had helped more than he’d ever know.
He hadn’t made this decision for me. But he’d given me the space to make it for myself, without shame and without fear that he would walk away.
Dad would probably say I’d always had the courage buried somewhere inside me.
Maybe he was right. But knowing Gideon would be beside me made it possible to finally reach for it.
Sure, he and Dad may argue—Dad already had pish-poshed my placing all the praise on this moment on Gids—but I knew in the hollows of my being that if I’d not had Gideon to be my escort, I’d still be hiding my fluidity.
So much could go wrong. The worst that could happen would be me being let go by the Copperheads, as Dad had pointed out after I word-vomited on him when I got back home.
If they did, he was sure there would be hell to pay from the team as well as fans and any local LGBTQIA+ groups.
If that happened—he doubted it would—I’d have time to devote to full-time cosmetology school.
Not that I was in yet. I still had an admissions interview to get through.
Gids and Dad felt I was a shoo-in, but they were biased.
If I lost this job, I’d just need to find another, so part-time schooling was what I would be dealing with for—
The doorbell rang. I yelped. Dad yelped. “I’ll get the door. Finish up and get dressed.”
“I’ll need a hand lacing the back,” I whispered in a mix of fear and excitement.
“I’ll come back up.” Dad raced off to let Gideon in.
My belly rumbled. Despite the heartburn and trembling hands, I finished my face, tied a thin scarf over my hair—it was done and sprayed so thickly it would take ten washings to get it clean—and pulled my new dress over my head.
The satin lining slithered down over me, tickling my ribs as it settled into place like a second skin.
After losing the scarf, I slipped my feet into my heels, spritzed my wrist and throat with some perfume, and spun like a drunken goose when the bedroom door flew open and Dad came in.
“Taft is downstairs looking amazing in that suit and… oh, Ryan, you look so beautiful. You’re glowing.”
“It’s the makeup,” I replied shyly as I turned my back to him so he could pull the laces tight around my lean waist.
“No. It’s you. It’s you embracing the true person that lives inside your heart.” He came up behind me, gave me a big dad hug, and then lifted the ties, one in each hand. “Okay, hold onto the bedpost.”
I laughed. “It’s not a whalebone corset,” I snickered as he tugged the laces tightly. When I turned to face him, he gave me a look of pure love and pride. “Will he like what he sees?” I waved a hand at myself.
“I think he’s going to take one look at you and forget what his name is.” Dad bussed my cheek. “Okay, I’m going back downstairs so I can have the camera ready to film your grand descent. I love you, son.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
With that, he scooted back out the door, leaving it open for me. I pulled in a breath, and then another, and with the exhale I slowly made my way out the door and into an uncertain but freeing future.