29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Axel
H ugo’s discussion of gardens nearly derailed me. As I gazed into his backyard, though, overcast skies greeted me. The day had turned dark, and we might get a spring rainstorm. I’d have to ask him for a ride when the time came to leave.
No, you’ll take a fucking taxi .
Right.
“Are we, uh…” I pointed to the empty side of the bed. The side I preferred. And judging by the stuff on the nightstand next to Hugo’s, the other was his side. Of course…the view out to the garden.
Focus . I could blame him for derailing me, but part of this was my fault. I was nervous. Uncertain. Questioning all of it.
No, not all. I didn’t question coming here. Just when I’d be leaving.
I knelt on the mattress, and then slowly crawled to Hugo.
Our gazes met.
“This is going to be so good.” My cock perked at the promise of something amazing.
He licked his lips. “Yeah, I think it will be.”
I eased myself over him.
He shifted his thighs open to accommodate me.
I held his gaze, only closing my eyes as our lips met. As soft as I remember .
As I took his mouth, he ran his hands up my sides, around my shoulders, and then to grasp my neck, holding me steady. He thrust his tongue into my welcoming mouth.
This. This. This. I’d tried to obliterate my memories of him several times over the past months, but I’d failed every time. Aside from a few kisses—ones that hadn’t even aroused me—I hadn’t been intimate with anyone. In my most fervent dreams, I hoped Hugo hadn’t either. That he’d pined for me like I’d pined for him. That he’d meant what he’d said in all those cheesy songs.
His grip on my neck increased.
I pulled back and met his lust-glazed deep-blue eyes with pupils blown wide. “Grab my hair. I’ve dreamt of you grabbing my hair.”
He hesitated.
“It’s okay.” I grinned. “I can sort out the mess later.” It’d be a pain—but totally worth it. Some partners didn’t like the feel of my hair, but Hugo grabbed it and tugged.
My cock jerked. And suddenly found his.
They brushed.
Little tingles of electricity shot through me, and my chest tightened at the thought of him in me. “This is going to be so fucking good.” My voice croaked a little, but I wasn’t even embarrassed. The need coursing through me obliterated everything that had come before.
“Why don’t you roll onto your back?” One hand still gripped my hair while his other trailed down my flank, and eventually grasped my butt. “You really have the most exquisite ass.”
“Do you…” I swallowed. “Are you going to fuck me while I’m on my back or are you going to drill me from behind?” Both held appeal—but I knew which I preferred.
“Facing for the first time.” His eyes softened. “I need to see you. To gauge how you’re doing. That’s harder from the, uh, rear.”
I cocked my head.
“All right. It’s less personal. That was how—” He stopped abruptly.
“How douchebag preferred it.” I completed the sentence with absolute certainty.
“Uh…” He blinked. “Yeah.”
“Then we don’t ever have to do it that way.” Which sort of implies this will happen again. What happened to this doesn’t mean anything, huh?
I tried to tell my inner monologue to shut the fuck up. Damn thing was right, of course. I’d implied this was a onetime thing. And I’d meant it…half an hour ago. Now, though, things felt less certain. Like maybe we might do it more than once.
“Making love that way feels really good, Axel. Although that might feel more like the fucking you’re asking for. Less personal…but amazing. And I don’t want to deprive you of that experience. Although maybe with other guys—”
I grabbed his hair and tugged. “Just you.” Whether I meant he’d be the only one I planned to be with now or forever, I wasn’t certain. Not wanting to examine my words too close, I rolled away from him and onto my back.
After a nerve-wracking hesitation, he pushed up.
I opened my thighs, inviting him in.
He positioned himself between them and grabbed the lube.
Meeting his gaze—and holding it—I grasped my knees and pulled them up to my chest.
His grin lit the room as he squeezed lube onto his fingers. “I’m going to make this good for you.”
I blinked. “You already have.”
He cocked his head.
“You let me in.” I wanted to say more. To apologize for being a jackass. To promise to end this mini tug-of-war we were in the middle of. I couldn’t, though. I didn’t know what tomorrow held, and as much as I wanted to promise to be a better person, I couldn’t do that either. I knew myself too well. I was the best grudge-holder on the planet. And given Ed was my best friend and Pauletta loomed large in my life, me claiming top spot for not being able to let go of things meant something.
“You’ll always be welcome.” Then, as if realizing what he’d said, he winced. “Sorry. I know this means nothing—”
I let go of my knees, letting my feet fall to the bed. Awkwardly, I tried to push up. I needed to silence him with my lips—to show him I couldn’t stand to hear my words used against me. That I’d maybe—just maybe—been wrong.
As if understanding my clumsy motion—and the motivation behind it—he leaned forward and pressed our lips together. A broken kiss. One we could barely maintain with our awkward positions—but one that meant everything.
Slowly, as he pulled back, I eased down to the mattress.
“Perhaps less talking and more doing?” He snagged the lube.
“Yeah.” I blinked, all the while hoping he understood the emotion I was trying to convey.
He put more lube on his finger.
I grabbed my knees again and moved them out of the way. In one sense, I’d never been so exposed. Not even the first time I’d slept with Janelle Phong when I’d been all of sixteen. I’d known I’d made a mistake before we’d even finished. I lacked maturity. Enough to wear a condom, but not enough to have dealt with the consequences if the condom failed. I’d waited nearly three years after that before trying again. With an enthusiastic fan who followed us from Portland to Vancouver.
Kyesha.
“Axel?”
My gaze shot to Hugo. I took a breath. “I’m okay. Really.” I meant it. In a way, I’d been preparing myself since the moment he’d called my name at Rocktoberfest.
He nodded and scooted closer. He held my gaze as his finger skimmed the rim of my entrance.
I clenched. I couldn’t help myself.
“Uh…have you ever…?”
I shook my head.
“Okay. So we go super slow.”
Great. Except I didn’t want slow. I wanted him inside me so badly that I honestly thought I was going to explode. “Please, Hugo.”
He nodded, slowly finishing his leisurely exploration. Then, with exquisite care, he pressed one finger inside.
My every instinct was to pull away. I wasn’t hurting or anything like that. Just that this felt weird. Odd. And, in the world I’d grown up in, wrong. Knowing Ed did this with other guys—and now just with Thornton—didn’t make me more comfortable.
Hugo paused. “I can stop, Axel. You say the word and we’re done. No recriminations. No hard feelings.”
“Just do it.” I grit my teeth. “I need you to do this.”
Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
I supposed he realized he’d have to trust me. That I’d be honest with him. And I planned to be. Too much had passed between the two of us for me to not be.
He wiggled his finger.
Breathing deeply, I forced myself to relax. To concentrate on how fucking good this felt.
After I nodded to his questioning gaze, he added a second finger.
I continued to focus on those blue eyes—lasering on me with breath-stealing intensity.
He scissored with growing intensity. Then, he pushed in farther.
My breath stuttered as he did something, and—
Holy hell.
He grinned. “Prostate.”
A wonderful feeling overtook me. Little shocks of electricity followed by a warmth I struggled to describe. My cock leaked precum. “Uh.”
He tapped it again.
I fought the overwhelming urge to buck. “Jesus, Hugo, you’re killing me.”
That grin widened. “Think of all I can show you.”
If we do this again .
Well, that likelihood increased every moment he touched me. We hadn’t made out. We hadn’t sixty-nined or given each other hand jobs. Part of me wished we had, while the rest of me was excited at the prospect of having him inside me.
We have all night .
I’d text Ed, promising I was okay, and then I’d stay.
What if he’s expecting someone? What if he’s got plans to go out?
I wouldn’t ask. If he ushered me out after this, then at least I’d have this memory.
He withdrew his fingers.
I moaned.
Somehow, even with slick fingers, he managed to roll on the condom. He applied more lube and then again met my gaze.
Nodding to him, I tried to put everything I felt into my expression—eagerness, desire, and…a touch of fear.
As if understanding, he leaned in for a long, languid kiss. As he pulled back, he smiled shyly. “I’ll take care of you, okay? Just so you know, this is new for me as well. I’ve never deflowered a virgin.”
I burst out laughing.
Likely as he’d planned.
He lined himself up.
I nodded.
With maddeningly slow speed, he started to press into me.
Knowing it would hurt and actually remembering to breathe through the pain were two different things. Still, as the crown breached me, I tried not to wince. Don’t give him any reason to stop .
To his credit, he didn’t stop. He didn’t ask how I was doing. Instead, he scrutinized me with an intensity I’d never endured. Even Ed, when probing into my soul, didn’t carry this attentiveness. Concentration furrowed his brow as I adjusted to his girth.
Admittedly, I hadn’t been paying much attention to his cock. I blamed the mesmerizing blue eyes. The assurances I’d sought that had been given back tenfold.
But I remembered having been impressed back in Black Rock. That, at the time I’d given him the blow job, how I’d thought he was pretty big. Again, though, I’d had other things on my mind—like that I was giving my high school crush a blow job ten years after the last time we’d met.
“Axel?”
I blinked.
“You with me?”
I wanted to snicker, but this didn’t feel like the moment. “Uh, yeah, I’m okay.”
“My head’s in. It’s going to feel weird, but bear with me, okay? I’m going to try to make this good for you.”
“Just do it, Hugo.” Jesus, you sound like a freaking commercial .
He grinned. “I love…your enthusiasm.”
My breath caught. Had he been about to profess his love? Did it count if you were in the middle of fucking? I just didn’t know.
Centimeter by centimeter, he pressed into me.
I kept breathing and trying to relax. You can do this. This is Hugo . I blinked back tears. Not of pain. Not of joy. Not even of relief. Just tears ten years in the making.
Hugo sighed. “I’ve bottomed out. I’m all the way in.”
I blinked again, this time with surprise. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.”
A laugh burst out of him. “I don’t know how to take that.”
I clenched.
His eyes closed for a moment, and he let out a long breath. “Keep that up and it’ll all be over sooner than both of us want.”
Demanding he fuck me was on the tip of my tongue, but I held it in. “Make love to me, Hugo. Show me what it can be like.” What it can be when two people love each other. I love you and I’m going to pretend you love me back.
“Yeah, I can do that. Hold on.”
I grasped his shoulder.
Inch by inch, he withdrew. Then he pressed back in.
Those sparks arced through me once again. “More.” I might’ve demanded that. “I know you’re worried about hurting me, but I trust you. To know how much I can take. To make it good for me while also taking care of me.”
“Uh, okay.” He withdrew again, almost to the top, and pressed back in.
I wrapped my legs around his hips, using my heels against his ass to encourage him to pick up the pace.
He grunted as he apparently got the unspoken message. He continued to thrust, but his movements hit a steady rhythm as he snapped his hips.
I continued to grip his shoulders.
His gaze never left mine. “Your cock. Can you jerk it?”
“Uh, okay.” I grunted as he thrust into me. I snagged my shaft and tugged at it with a rhythm and intensity that matched his. I used the little bit of precum as a sort of poor man’s lube. That was enough because I didn’t mind friction and I certainly had no problems with everything he was doing to me. Then, without warning, my balls drew up. I hadn’t expected an orgasm so soon, but I barely managed an, “I’m coming,” through gritted teeth before I erupted.
“Thank fuck.” Hugo thrust twice more, held himself still, and arched his neck back, exposing his vulnerability to me. He let out a long moan.
I wished he was actually coming in me instead of the condom—which was completely unlike me. I’d never had sex without a condom. Never would’ve taken the risk of either pregnancy or disease. But here? I knew I was negative. Two negative tests in the past ten months and no sexual partners meant I was neg. I was damn sure he’d be as well. He just wasn’t the reckless kind of person. Someone who would endanger himself or others.
He gazed down at me.
I reached my cum-covered hand around his neck and coaxed him to lie down on top of me.
As he did, his cock slid out with a pop.
I laughed.
He grinned against my shoulder.
All felt right in the world.
Right until the moment his phone rang.
Hoping he might ignore it proved to be a wish in vain.
He elbowed me in the ribs as he scrambled for the phone. He swiped and then, breathlessly, said, “Renee?”
Right. His friend. The one I’d messaged. Completely inappropriately.
“Now?”
The panic in his voice had me snapping to attention.
“Uh…I need a shower, but—”
A long pause.
“No, not because of sex. You know me better than that.” He didn’t meet my gaze.
Well shit. I hadn’t thought he’d be quite so literal with my this doesn’t mean anything . More fool me.
“Women’s hospital. When is the c-section scheduled? I thought they wanted to wait—”
I held my breath.
“Yeah, that’s a good reason. I’ll get there as fast as I can. I mean, I can’t ask them to wait for me—”
My brain screeched. They might hold surgery for him? He was that important to her? She was married. Right? My sex-scrambled brain couldn’t figure this all out.
“I love you. Tell Copeland to hang in there. Bye.” He jabbed the off button. Then he met my gaze. “My best friend’s water broke, and they’re doing a C-section to protect the twins, and I have to—”
“Go.” I eased away from him. “Toss the condom and go. I can, uh, go—”
“I’m not kicking you out.” He unrolled the condom, knotted it, then tossed it in the trashcan. “The back door locks on its own if you flip the lock. No one will know the deadbolt isn’t thrown.”
“I could wait.”
He shook his head. “This will probably be all night. If not longer. I’m…” He hesitated. “I’m sorry.”
Awkwardly, I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Go.”
And he did.