Chapter 15
ADAM
Adam spent the rest of that night berating himself for being the worst kind of person.
His own lack of self-control was more disappointing than anything.
He’d thought he was being so careful about not allowing her to feel false hope that they would one day be a family.
Despite how much he liked her, he was determined not to fill that role in her life, so that when someone better came along, it would be vacant for them.
But it was impossible to resist her charms, apparently. Every time he was in her presence, all he wanted to do was hold her and kiss her and assure her he would always be there for her, no matter how rough things got. But he couldn’t.
The morning after he nearly ruined everything — again — Adam left breakfast in the kitchen for Kyra and went out before she was even awake.
He was determined to keep a healthy distance from her, for her own good.
He didn’t want to see her heart broken, and he’d determined that the best way to keep that from happening was for him to distance himself a bit more each day.
By the time she had the baby, they would be little more than boss and employee.
It was the weirdest thing, though. He’d been working alone for years and convinced himself that he’d successfully quashed his need for daily human contact.
So why did he feel so lonely out in the fields all by himself?
Not even the horses felt like company anymore.
He’d grown so used to seeing Kyra on a day-to-day basis that his life felt empty without her constant companionship.
He had to regularly remind himself that she was just in the main house.
She wasn’t far at all. But then, as soon as he remembered how close she was, he had the irresistible urge to go and see her.
He finally gave in, using the excuse that he had to check in on her to supervise her work. “How are things coming along?” he said, leaning on the doorframe to look as casual as he could, even as his heart was pounding in his chest.
“Fine,” she answered. “You know, if you keep these papers filed and organized, it’ll help the work go quicker. You’ll be able to find things so much easier. I’ve been spending the day figuring out a system for organization. I can show you if you’d like.”
He waved her offer away. “Some other time. Do you understand how to keep the books yet, or do you need more explanation?” He wanted her to say she needed him to explain again so he could stand behind her, reach around her to turn the pages, and explain everything while being almost as close to her as he wanted to be every second of every day.
“No, thanks,” she said, not even looking up at him. “I think I’ve got it.”
Disappointed, he let out a long sigh. “Well, make sure to let me know if you need anything.”
“I will,” she said, still not looking up.
He walked away feeling even worse than he had before seeing her.
The rest of the day went about how he would have expected.
He’d been working this ranch for years, and by now, he could probably do it with his eyes closed.
The only difference was the loneliness. He could not have begun to anticipate how it would feel to work alone after getting used to working with someone.
Years of normalcy undone by just a few months of Kyra.
Would it have made a difference if it had been anyone else?
He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew no one else would have been able to disrupt him to this degree.
In fact, he was fairly sure anyone else’s sudden absence would be a welcome return to business as usual.
But he felt Kyra’s absence like it was a hole in his heart.
Adam finished out his day in a hypnotic daze, working without thinking about what he was doing, while his mind was occupied with a fierce internal debate.
There were his instincts on one side — his desire to protect the ones he loved, and the hope that there was a chance he could be better than his own father.
On the other side, there was the knowledge that no one ever escaped their own genetics.
On top of that, there were things that were completely out of his control.
Even if he decided to be a good father, to be there for his child, there were forces in the world he couldn’t begin to fight against. He had watched so many friends in the military disappear on their families.
Why did he think his fate would be any different?
Their wives and children were devastated by the loss.
He couldn’t bear the thought that Kyra would be in a similar position.
Dinner that night was about as awkward as it could be.
The small talk he and Kyra managed was a sad imitation of the conversations they’d had before.
Neither of them tried to tease the other.
There was no laughter, no fun, not even a comfortable peace.
There was only confusion and the sense that something was definitely not right.
Adam had no one to blame but himself. If he could have kept his stupid libido in check, he could have avoided this whole mess.
He hated his lack of self-control. But he also had to ask himself whether it really was a lack of self-control.
He wasn’t an idiot. He knew what he was risking when he chose to sleep with her.
Was there a chance part of him wanted this to happen?
That night, he turned over in bed and squeezed his eyes closed, desperately trying to fall asleep but not quite able to make it happen.
It was as though he could feel Kyra through the wall, sleeping soundly in the second bedroom he had made up for her.
Living with her felt so right, but he had always believed such a thing would be impossible.
He had always believed the only thing he could ever do for a family was let them down.
“She should be with someone better,” he whispered in the dark. “Letting her go is the best thing you could do for her.”
The next day, Adam repeated all his mistakes from the day before, internally yelling at himself the entire time. He left Kyra to eat breakfast alone and went out to do his morning tasks. Right before lunch, once again, he made an excuse to ‘supervise’ her.
This time, he gave himself a reason to stay.
“No, that’s not how it’s done,” he said, moving around the desk until he stood behind her.
He took the pencil and erased the row of numbers she had just filled in.
“Let me show you.” He proceeded to redo all her work in a slightly different way.
Truly, it didn’t matter, but he wanted to lean over her, smell her perfume, and feel the warmth of her skin.
Every time he got close to her, it recharged him somehow.
It gave him the energy he needed to finish out his day.
He hoped she wouldn’t notice the ruse he used to justify his closeness. Unfortunately, she did.
“You’ve just done the math in reverse order,” she said. “I had the same result.”
“The order matters,” he said.
“It really doesn’t,” she insisted.
The trouble, of course, was that she was right.
But if he admitted it, he would have to also admit that the only reason he was checking on her was to be near her, not because he doubted her work.
His pride wouldn’t allow it. Besides, even if she was mad at him, at least it was something.
He didn’t need affection. He just needed her.
“The order matters,” he concluded in a tone that invited no argument.
“I’ll be back again to check your work this evening. ”
He stalked out of the office feeling better than he had when he went in.
But that feeling quickly faded and was replaced by a guilt he couldn’t seem to shut down.
His conscience was getting to be a bit of a problem, but at the same time, he didn’t want to resist the temptation to be close to her.
He’d never experienced such a strong case of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, each trying to convince him to do something different.
The trouble Adam was having, currently, was telling which was the angel and which was the devil.
That evening, he returned as promised, and Kyra did not look at all happy to see him, which he probably should have predicted.
This time, he went easier on her, pretending to ensure she was following his instructions from earlier that day.
She was even colder to him than usual, which was for the best, probably, considering his failure to resist her charms in the past.
Except, the trouble was that she was as charming when she was angry as she was when she was shooting for charm. In other words, it was impossible for Adam not to be charmed by her. “That’s exactly how I want it done,” he said to her in as flat a voice as he could manage. “Thank you. Good job.”
She didn’t respond, and he left the room again, his thoughts clouded in the fog of guilt.
Why couldn’t they just go back to being boss and employee?
He wished he had a time machine so he could go back and warn himself that giving in to his feelings was going to make him lose a woman who would otherwise probably become the best friend he’d ever had.
That night, he ate dinner in his room, claiming he had some reading to do. She looked far more crestfallen than he expected. But this was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
He felt as though he’d ripped a perfectly good piece of fabric.
At first, it was accidental, and then it was a thoughtless maneuver.
By the time he noticed he’d torn through the relationship, it was too far beyond repair, and he could only give in to the urge to rip whatever they had left completely in two.
No matter how much it hurt to lose what they had, he could only console himself by reminding himself it was already lost.
He slept fitfully, barely falling asleep long enough to dream, and the following morning he went out to work alone.
This time, he resisted the urge to return to the main house to see Kyra.
He’d finally realized she wasn’t buying the act.
All he was doing was hurting her more by giving her any hope that his feelings were…
well, exactly what they were. But he couldn’t act on them, and he wouldn’t lead her on anymore.
Just when he had begun to second-guess his decision to stay away from her, he saw Kyra marching across the field toward him. He stood puzzled, watching her approach.
When she got close enough to hear him, he asked, “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be working in the office?”
“I don’t think you really need me to do that,” she said. “I think you’ve given me office work to keep me at a distance. Anyway, you don’t seem to really like the way I do things. If I were anyone else, I think you would have fired me by now.”
He shook his head. “Not true.”
She held up a hand to silence him. “Please, don’t interrupt me. It was hard enough for me to build up the courage to say this.”
Adam leaned against the side of the barn and crossed his arms. He wanted to look like he didn’t really care, but the truth was his heart was pounding so hard that he was surprised it hadn’t punched right through his chest. What had she come here to say to him?
Why was he so scared? Part of him suspected, and another part screamed, that he wasn’t ready for this.
“Go on,” he said, though he wished he could stop her from saying what he knew she was about to tell him.
Kyra took a deep breath before continuing.
“I think I should leave. Things have gotten way too weird between us, and I don’t think I’m even of use to you anymore.
I suspect you’re keeping me on out of pity.
You should hire someone better for the position.
I know you’re going to tell me I’m wrong, but I won’t hear it. ”
Adam clenched his teeth hard, racking his brain for the right thing to say. In the end, it didn’t come to him. “You’re wrong,” he said, which she had already predicted. “I couldn’t find anyone better than you if I tried. And I won’t.”
“All the same,” she said, staring down at the ground. “I don’t think you even enjoy my company anymore.”
He narrowed his eyes at her, desperate to read whatever was going on inside her head. “Is this because I didn’t eat dinner with you last night? I told you I was tired. Don’t take it personally. It wasn’t personal at all.”
“It’s not only that,” she said. “And I don’t believe you anyway. You’ve been different lately, and I think I know why. I won’t tell you what I think it is because I know you’ll deny it, and I won’t believe you.”
Everything was sinking, and Adam wanted nothing more than to stop it.
But wouldn’t he be postponing the inevitable?
Even if they could eventually form a perfect working relationship, she had a ticking clock in her womb.
Eventually, the baby would be born, and everything would change again.
She would have expectations that he couldn’t begin to live up to.
She would want more than he was able to give, and he would be forced to break her heart.
No, it was better that she was quitting now.
As painful as it was, it would be less painful for both of them in the end.
“OK,” he finally said. “I understand. You don’t have to give me notice if you don’t want to. Just leave when you’re ready.” Before he had the chance to see her broken expression and take back his words, Adam pushed himself from the barn wall and trudged to the main house.