Chapter 2
Haji
Madelyn’s pitiful smile didn’t faze me. I grabbed the bag of food and headed out like I did every year on this day. I could only eat it once a year, and every year, each bite felt like cement dropped in my stomach. Every year, I forced it down for my sweet girl. My wife. My Lianne.
She died seven years ago, and on the anniversary of her death, I stopped by Madelyn’s restaurant to pick up her favorite meal to eat at her grave.
This year was no different. The drive to the cemetery was done on autopilot.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure how I’d even made it when I finally pulled up.
My mind was on everything but the fact that I was about to have dinner with my wife’s spirit because her body was no longer here.
I wouldn’t say Lianne was my best friend, but she was my heart. We were connected in our spirits. She was my gift from God to protect, and I’d failed.
Zina was my best friend, and she was gone too.
In ten years, I still hadn’t completely healed from the loss.
Time hadn’t healed those wounds like people said they would.
All time did was remind me every day that I was here without them.
Mama told me remembering them kept them alive, so I carried them with me in my heart and mind every day.
And maybe that was why I hadn’t been able to fully grieve and heal from the loss.
Either way, my best friend and my wife were taken far too young, and I still didn’t know why.
It felt selfish questioning God and feeling angry with Him for taking their lives when I still had mine, but it was also harder to live my life without them. Pops told me to make the most of it in their absence, and I’d been trying. Regardless of what I did, though, it never felt like enough.
As I put the blanket next to Lianne’s tombstone, I released a weak breath.
Seven years of this shit, and I had a lifetime to go.
Regardless of how expected death was, I didn’t think anyone expected it to happen to their twenty-eight-year-old wife.
Not before they could have kids, make all the memories, and grow old together.
I laid out the usual setup—roses, candles, a small speaker to play her favorite music. Then the meal: smothered chicken, collard greens, and jalapeno corn casserole. For dessert, I had her favorite cherry cheesecake pie.
I talked to her like I always did as music played in the background.
While I didn’t have an appetite, I enjoyed the meal .
. . her favorite meal. By the time it was over, I had a little more peace in my heart.
Because like always, the same red bird came and sat on her tombstone until I was done eating.
I made a small hole in front of her tombstone and put the gift I’d given her inside.
The Pandora bracelet charm was number seven.
One for each year that she was gone. Only then did I have enough peace to pack everything up and leave.
When I made it back to my car, it didn’t surprise me to see the calls and texts from family and friends.
Like every year, I left them unread and un-responded to.
On this day, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
Didn’t want to go anywhere else. All I wanted to do was sit in my memories, my love, my grief.
As I drove home, I reminded myself that I was far too young to hold such a heavy weight for the rest of my life, but I felt like I had no choice.
Laying down the grief felt like laying down her love and memory, and I couldn’t do that.
I’d promised to spend the rest of my life with her, and I would do that, regardless of how that looked.
Regardless of how uncomfortable that made anyone else.
By the time I made it home, the sun had started to set.
I shuffled in, showered, and dressed comfortably in sweats, socks, and house shoes before starting my Al Green vinyl.
I planned to light up and get so high I felt like I could touch the sky.
It wouldn’t be the cloud nine I was on while I was with Lianne, but it would have to do.