Chapter 49
49
C ate waited for Ethan to say something, do something.
Instead, he stood there for a long moment. Then he held out his hand. “Come with me.”
He led her back into the closet, closing the door behind them. She sighed with relief. She needed her safe space. Sitting on the large cushion on the floor, he drew her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her.
Then he just held her.
For a start, she was tense, waiting for him to talk to her, to insist on knowing what was going on.
But he said nothing. And bit by bit she relaxed.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he finally said.
Wait. What?
“I don’t understand. Why are you sorry?” What was she missing?
“Because I left you alone, and I shouldn’t have.”
“You only left for a few moments. And . . . and nothing bad happened.”
He lightly fingered her wrist, tugging slightly at the hair tie.
Cate drew it off, putting it down. All right, maybe something happened.
“I shouldn’t have left you. Although you’ve earned a spanking. Not only did you leave when I told you stay put. But you ran from me. Not to me.” He ran his finger lightly over the spot that she’d pinched. “Although you seem to have punished yourself.”
Cate sucked in a breath.
“I don’t like that. I thought the hair tie thing was about clearing your head. But if it’s about punishing yourself, that’s something else entirely. I know there’s something more to all this.”
There was.
She still didn’t want to tell him, but she knew that she had to.
“Rhodes said something about protocol,” he said. “He needed to see you, that it was protocol. And he seemed scared.”
“You know, perhaps we should speak about your need to procreate again,” she said, grasping at a different topic.
To her surprise, he turned her, grasping hold of her chin. “Rhodes might let you get away with avoiding topics or things you find upsetting, but I’m not your brother. If I ask a question, I expect an answer.”
Oh, if looks could kill.
Little Miss Cate might be a touch spoiled.
Not to the point of corrupting her. It was rather cute the way she started to build to a tantrum.
But that’s why he had to have a firm hand from the beginning.
And he knew why Rhodes spoiled her. It was obvious that she’d had a tough time growing up. Hell, she still had a rough time now.
However, that didn’t mean that she got to avoid the tough conversations.
He intended to spoil her as much as Rhodes. Maybe more.
But not when it came to something he wanted from her. When it involved health and safety, she wasn’t going to get her own way and keep things from him.
She wrinkled her nose at him. “That’s so mean.”
“Being cute isn’t going to get you out of this.”
“Most people believe I’m cold and rude.”
Ethan narrowed his gaze. “Most people are idiots. Who said that to you? Was it Samantha?”
Cate tilted her head to the side, studying him. “Why do you want to know? She’s gone now.”
“For research purposes,” he replied.
“You’re researching people who have said rude things to me?”
“Yes.” He could feel the darkness creeping over him. Most people didn’t know it was there. He was the calm influence when everyone else was going crazy. The person with good advice, who didn’t lose it.
Ever.
Unless there was a threat to someone he truly cared about.
“You have a dangerous side, don’t you, Ethan Stone?”
“Yes, I do. You can be very perceptive.”
Her face grew red. “Sometimes. Other times, I’m just as clueless as I seem.”
Ethan placed his hands over hers. She was so small. And cold.
“Jesus, baby. Your hands are freezing.” Worry filled him. It was his job to keep her warm and safe. Grabbing her blanket, he placed it over her, ignoring his own discomfort since it was actually hot as hell in there.
“Now, I need you to tell me what this protocol is about.”
She fidgeted. “I don’t really want to.”
“Why?”
“Because you might see me differently. You might not want me anymore.”
Fuck. He hated that she thought that. That she didn’t know exactly how much he adored and cared for her. He’d need to work on showing her that better. Making her believe it.
“Nothing you could tell me would make me see you differently. I would never walk away from you. But you know how we talked about boundaries? Well, lying and secrets are a boundary for me. Do you understand?”
“You don’t want lies and secrets between us,” she replied with a nod. “I don’t like lies either. Not even the ones people tell each other to be polite. That’s why I often get myself in trouble. Sometimes, it’s easier to say nothing at all.”
“I get that. And I’m not talking about small lies that other people tell each other or themselves. I’m talking about you and me. You can tell Kevin that he has the voice of a soprano and I won’t care. As long as you never lie to me.”
“Why would I want to tell Kevin that? He might try to talk more.” The horror on her face had him running a finger down her cheek.
So damn adorable.
“I’m just using an example. There will be no lies between us. And I don’t want you to hold back anything from me that might affect you.”
“All right. I understand.” She clenched her hands together. “Protocol is what we call the rules for after I go . . . into my own head. That’s how Rhodes explains it. I don’t see how it’s any different from when I’m trying to think something through. Like for work. That’s all I’m doing. But . . . Rhodes . . .”
“Yes?”
“He’s always concerned something bad might happen to me when I’m on my own in here and I’m . . . I’m thinking.”
“Has something bad ever happened?” he asked in a low, soft voice. He didn’t want to scare her into going into her head, as she’d just said.
He knew what Rhodes meant, though. Cate couldn’t be left to think too much or she’d end up getting more upset.
“Once,” she whispered. “Yes.”
God.
He’d really hoped she was going to say no.
“What happened, Cate?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
He was silent for a moment as they sat there. “There are going to be things in both of our pasts that crop up. And we won’t always feel like talking about them. Some things can wait, but anything that impacts your health and safety right now, I need to know. Don’t keep anything from me that could harm you.”
Cate stared at a spot over his shoulder. “I hurt myself.”
He stiffened. “What?”
“I hurt myself. That’s why we have the protocol. It’s not enough for Rhodes to just hear my voice after something really badly upsets me. He has to see that I’m unharmed. I cut myself. It was awful. I didn’t like all the blood. Very messy.”
Very messy.
Cutting herself was very messy.
He ran his hand over his face. “Baby girl. Fuck.”
“If you decide now that you don’t want to date me, it will be better for me to finish things now rather than later. After . . . after I develop feelings for you.”
“You already have feelings for me,” he stated. “I know it’s hard sometimes to look into my eyes, but I need you to hear this so please let me see you.”
Those big blue eyes stared up into his.
“You are not to do that again.”
Her nose scrunched up. “Didn’t you hear me? It was messy and awful. Why would I want to do it again?”
She was being flippant about it and he didn’t like it one bit.
“Cate.”
She flinched slightly. “Yes?”
“Don’t be so dismissive about your health and safety. I’m not going to stand for that. Okay? Your health and safety are important to me. And they should be important to you.”
“It’s easier to make light of things sometimes than think about what really happened.”
“I understand. How long ago was this?”
“A few years ago. Something very upsetting happened with my aunt and uncle. We were at my cousin’s wedding and I didn’t want to dance with this man. He kept insisting and I finally, uh, did what Rhodes always taught me to do. I kneed him in the groin to get him to leave me alone. It turned out to be my uncle’s boss.”
Fury built inside him. He had a feeling he knew where this was going, and he didn’t like it.
“My aunt and uncle were furious. They started screaming at me. And you know that I can’t handle it when people yell at me. I ran off and Rhodes took after me. He brought me back to the hotel where we were staying. I ran into my room and refused to come out. And he left me there, thinking I needed time to decompress. But I kept hearing them in my head and my brain kept telling me that I was such a failure. Such an idiot. And I wanted the voices to be quiet for a while, so I cut my wrist. Only I cut too far and got a fright. I called for Rhodes. I don’t like blood.”
“Fuck, baby. Fuck.” He felt broken up. Torn. “There’s no scar, is there?”
He would have noticed that, surely. He stared down at her wrists. There was something faint on her left wrist.
“Rhodes got me safely out of there and to the hospital. Then he contacted the best plastic surgeon he could find. The scar is so faint you really have to know to look for it.”
“Those fucking assholes.”
“What?” she asked, jolting. “Who?”
“Your aunt and uncle. How dare they yell at you like that? Let that bastard touch you? That’s completely unacceptable.”
They were on his shit list.
But they’d now moved up to the top spot, ahead of Samantha and Kevin and the guy she’d kissed who was a jerk to her. He still needed to talk to Rhodes about him.
“I’m furious at them. And I’m upset for you. That you thought that any of that was your fault. That you had to hurt yourself to try and quiet your brain. Fuck, baby. I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to you again. I want to keep you safe from everything.”
“It’s not always about quieting my brain,” she said, knowing she couldn’t keep anything back. “I flick the hair tie when it feels like I’ve done something stupid. Said the wrong thing. Hurt someone. I don’t mean to do it. I just don’t always understand that what I’m saying isn’t the right thing to say.”
“Hey.” He cupped her cheeks between his hands, tilting her face back. “I get it, baby. But that isn’t your fault and you don’t need to punish yourself for it. Ever. Understand? And if you need punishing, then I’m here.”
“Are you saying that if I actually did something deserving of being reprimanded, I should let you take care of it?”
He smiled. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, clever girl.”
Huh.
“That would actually be quite a relief.”
“I’m glad. That’s what I’m here for. To make your life easier.”
“What am I here for?” she asked. “Because I don’t imagine I make your life easier.”
“You fill it with color. You give me a reason to get up in the morning. I’ve been coasting along for longer than I can say. I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing truly serious. I usually ended up smothering the person I was with. I was always worried I wouldn’t be able to protect them. Like I couldn’t protect my sister.”
“But that wasn’t your fault!”
“No, it wasn’t. But sometimes we aren’t always rational about our feelings.”
“Oh, you don’t have to explain that to me,” she told him. “It’s quite annoying.”
He ran his fingers through her hair tenderly. “So if you find yourself overwhelmed, if you think you’ve done something wrong, I want you to come and find me.”
“And then you will punish me?” While it was a question, she was pretty certain of his answer.
“If you deserve punishment,” he told her. “Then and only then.”
Wow. She felt like she could finally breathe.
But what happened after he left?
Worry about that another day.
Cate slid her arms around his waist, hugging him back. He was so big and warm. She sighed happily.
He moved his hand to the back of her neck and started to massage the tight muscles and she let out a moan of pleasure.
“Like that, Catie-pie?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“So the protocol is Rhodes seeing that you’re all right, that you haven’t hurt yourself.”
“Yes. I’m not allowed to hide away behind a locked door when I’m upset. And I have to show him that I’m fine.”
“I like that protocol.”
“You like rules and order.”
“You already know me so well.” He drew her back so he could smile at her. Leaning down, he rubbed his nose against hers.
Then he gently cupped her face between his hands. Hmm, she liked that.
“Why did you pinch yourself this time?”
“The hair tie wasn’t working.”
“Show me.” There was no judgment on his face. Just concern.
Cate drew back her sleeve, showing him the red mark on her forearm. He lifted her arm to his lips and kissed it. “There, all better.”
She stared down at her arm. “I know the concept of kisses make things better, but you know that’s not actually true, right?”
“Of course it’s true. But only with a Daddy’s kiss.”
“Oh. How does that work?”
“Magic.”
“I don’t believe in magic.”
“That’s too bad. Magic is fun.”
Strangely, the small mark on her arm did actually feel better.
“Why did you feel the need to punish yourself this time? Because of what Kevin said?”
“Yes, he called me a liability. I’d never want to be a liability for Rhodes. And because I felt like it was my fault he broke up with Samantha. Although that seems to be a good thing. Rhodes deserves real love.”
Like what I feel for you.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, baby. Kevin was saying shit because he was angry, not because it was true. And you didn’t split Samantha and Rhodes up. Plus, like you say, he can do better.”
His voice was so tender. Like nothing she’d heard before. It made her inside melt.
“But I did leave when you told me not to.”
“You did. And I’ll merge those two punishments into one.”
“I feel like you think that’s a kindness.”
Ethan just smiled. Leaning down, he brushed his lips against her lips.
Oh. That was nice.
Cate let out a disgruntled noise as he drew back.
“What’s wrong?”
“Um, I don’t want to tell you.”
“No more kisses until you tell me.”
What? That wasn’t fair. “You can’t make ultimatums like that!”
“Fine, how about if you tell me, I’ll kiss you?”
“That’s just the same thing turned around!”
He grinned. “I love that big brain of yours.”
Her body heated up and she had to work hard to keep her emotions at bay.
He said he loved your brain. Not you.
“I was thinking that felt nice and I didn’t want you to stop.” She felt herself blush. It was confusing how often she blushed around him. Maybe she was going through early menopause? Was that possible at thirty-five? She guessed it was.
“Nice? Damn. I need to try harder.”
This time, his hand crept around the back of her head and when his lips pressed to hers . . .
Well, nice didn’t come close to accurately describing the feeling.
He drew back and stared down at her. “Well? What word would you use now? How about stupendous?”
“Hmm, I’m not sure it’s up to the level of stupendous. Definitely amazing.”
“I’ll take amazing. But let’s see if I can earn stupendous. Open your mouth for me.”
Cate barely had time to comprehend the order before his mouth was on hers again. A moan escaped her as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
He slid his tongue into her mouth.
When he pulled back, they were both breathing heavily.
“Well? What do I get for that kiss?” he asked huskily.
“Five.”
“Five? Out of ten?”
“Oh no, out of five. It was . . . breath-taking.”
“I’m glad, baby. That’s the way I always want you to feel when I kiss you.”
Cate had no objections to that.