25 LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE #2
“No,” she replied immediately. “Of course not. Like I said before, the time I saw you in the bar with Daniel was the first time I’d ever seen you. I had no idea who you were. I was drawn to you, yes, but that doesn’t mean I knew you. Why would you even ask me that? Wouldn’t you know if we’d met?”
“I’m missing three hundred years of memory.”
Her mouth dropped open.
“You didn’t know that? I thought you knew everything about me.”
“I—No, I didn’t know that! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just thought you knew. Or it didn’t seem important.”
“But … how? Why?”
“I don’t know.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “That makes no sense.”
“I broke the rules in some major way.” His mouth twisted, and he bent one knee up, draping his arm over it.
“I don’t know what I did, but it must have been bad.
Because as punishment, three hundred years of my memory was erased.
I have no idea what happened to me. I’ve been trying to figure it out for ages and never found a clue. Until now.”
“Why now?”
“Sunshine …” His gaze was intense. “I think we knew each other. In the past.”
“But that’s impossible.” She leaned over and briefly squeezed the hand draped over his knee. What he’d been through must have been terrible, and she wanted to help him, but she couldn’t give him false hope.
“I would remember if we’d met,” she explained, “and I can assure you I’ve never had amnesia.
Well—” Her stomach flipped as thoughts of the past suddenly bubbled up.
“There was one time I suffered temporary confusion while healing from a traumatic event, but it was a short period and I remembered everything afterward.”
His gaze instantly sharpened. “What traumatic event?”
“I—” She looked down at her hands. Talking about this was never easy, and it hadn’t gotten easier because no one dared mention it. Every angel in Heaven dodged around her past like it was a dirty secret that might taint them too if they admitted to knowing it.
But this was Raum. He wasn’t concerned with such things, and she trusted him not to react in a way that would hurt her. She took a breath and said, “I was captured by demons.”
His eyes flared. “You were what?”
“It was a stupid mistake. A group of demons were stirring up trouble in a human town, and I went to confront them. I was a Principality then, and it was normally a job for an archangel, but I wanted to help, I guess. I foolishly went alone. I underestimated their numbers. One managed to sneak up behind me and strike me with a blade so I was too injured to flash away.”
Her gaze remained fixed on her hands as she spoke. The words seemed to come from far away, almost as though it was someone else speaking them.
“They took me to their lair in Hell, and I was held for months in an underground cell. They drained me of blood again and again and cut my wings off to sell every time they regrew. I wasn’t sexually abused—these particular demons weren’t interested in that—but they did pretty much everything else.
They sold my … parts at the Blood Market and became rich off of them.
I supplied all of Hell with angel blood for years to come, I’m sure.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s still some out there. ”
“What the fuck?” Raum’s arm dropped, and his body went rigid with tension. When she glanced up at him, the gold of his eyes had darkened to that same furious amber she’d seen before when he fought with Belial. “ Who? Who took you?”
“I never learned who they were. They were careful to keep me from finding out anything about them or their lair, but I did know they weren’t powerful enough to have a title. Though after the riches they received from me, that likely changed.
“After I was rescued, I was … unwell for a time. I spent months in bed, haunted by what I’d endured.
When I finally found the strength to emerge, I knew I would never be the same again.
That’s why I changed my name. All I felt was darkness inside, so I picked Sunshine so I would always be reminded of the light. ”
His eyes burned with rage like molten pits of lava. They were so intense she could barely stand to look into them. “What did the demons look like? I will go back to Hell right now, find them, and make them suffer ten times what you did. I’ll make them beg for death—”
“They’re already dead, Raum.” She reached out and squeezed his forearm, the muscle so tense it was like a rock under her hand.
“When Daniel found me, he rounded up every one of them and burned them in a massive hellfire pyre. Their deaths weren’t sanctioned and the act was against the rules, but he did it anyway, for me.
That is why I’ve always felt I owe him so much. ”
“Daniel, as in Dan?” Raum’s brows climbed his forehead. “Eva’s dad?”
“Yes. Long ago before Daniel left Heaven, we were comrades and fought side by side in many battles. When Daniel chose to fall, we stayed in contact, though it was against the rules. He never told me he had a child, but I don’t blame him for hiding it.”
“But why was Dan the one that found you? After months ? Why didn’t Heaven send in the cavalry to get you out?”
She shrugged, releasing his arm to twist her hands together in her lap again. “Angels can’t just go charging into Hell when one of their own is taken.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“There are procedures to follow—everything has to be sanctioned by the Principalities first. And it’s very dangerous for angels in Hell—”
“You’re telling me they didn’t even try to send anyone after you?”
The incredulous look on his face, coupled with righteous indignation, made her insides squirm, though she wasn’t entirely sure why. “I’m only one angel. I’m hardly important to—”
“Bullshit. Demons all hate each other, but if an enemy took someone they considered an ally, they’d charge in there with an entire fucking army, consequences be damned.”
“And look at the amount of bloodshed in Hell. It’s horrific—”
“It’s better than doing fucking nothing!”
“Heaven did everything they could. They—”
“You’re telling me you were trapped there for months until a Grigori rescued you on some vigilante solo mission. Sounds to me like they did fuck all.”
Sunshine swallowed her next retort. She didn’t want to fight with Raum about this.
She knew he was angry on her behalf, and she was grateful for that.
She also couldn’t expect him to understand the complicated hierarchy of Heaven and why a single angel’s welfare wasn’t worth potentially endangering the Realm by sending groups of angels on dangerous missions.
After her rescue, the archangel Raphael had paid her a visit as she was convalescing and gently reprimanded her for allowing herself to end up in a position where she’d needed saving.
It is selfish to behave carelessly with the expectation that others will correct your mistakes, Shamsiel . I beg you to remember that in the future. Let this be a learning opportunity for you.
His words had always stuck with her, as had the shame that burned in her gut when he’d spoken them.
Raum blew out a breath. “It makes me fucking livid to think about that happening to you, and that nobody gave a fuck besides fucking Dan . Does make me hate him a bit less though.”
“They did give a fuck,” Sunshine said, the curse foreign on her tongue but strangely cathartic. “When Raphael visited me, he was very concerned and apologetic—”
Raum’s lip curled so quickly at the mention of Raphael that she broke off. At her questioning look, he said, “I hate that fucker.”
“Raphael? Why?”
“He’s a prick. He cursed Asmodeus to a miserable existence for three thousand years.”
“Raphael is one of Heaven’s most decorated angels.” She added gently, “And your brother did kill an entire village of humans before he warranted that punishment.”
“Doesn’t make it justified. Maybe at the time he deserved to suffer a little, but three thousand years of being invisible to any potential partner?
Ash was a lust demon. It fucked him up. He started evolving not long after that, and his life was a living hell for no reason.
Raphael could have lifted the curse at any time, but he didn’t.
If it weren’t for Eva, Ash probably would’ve stayed cursed forever. Raphael’s a piece of shit.”
“I agree that it’s unfortunate what happened, but Asmodeus broke the rules. Raphael was simply the one who administered his punishment.”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” Raum said, looking out the window at the cloudy morning sky.
“You spend your existence being told you’re the worst scum of the Earth with no chance for redemption.
And a lot of us are the worst scum of the Earth and have no desire to evolve.
But for the few of us who do, we’re forced to remain in Hell and play by stupid rules designed to make us lose.
Pricks like Raphael think they’re so high and mighty when really, they’re just as bad as half the demons in Hell, but they get away with it because they’re angels. ”
Sunshine bristled a little at that. “Evil has to lose. That is the way the world is set up. In order for humans to continue evolving, there must always be a struggle between good and evil. But good must always win in the end—”
“So why fight at all if you already know the outcome? And why am I forced to fight on the losing side? What if I don’t want to fight at all? Then I’ll be hunted by fucks like Raphael.”
“You’re making this about Raphael when it’s really about your problems with authority.”
“Problems with authority?” He looked sharply at her. “Is that what you call not wanting to get tortured or cursed for thousands of years or have your memory wiped for no reason?”
His tone was biting. He hadn’t spoken to her like that since they’d stopped being enemies. But then he’d been justified in his anger. Now, in her eyes, he was not.