Chapter 17 #3
He gave a stroke of the oars, sending them toward deeper waters, the energy he put into the motion making his annoyance evident. “It isn’t an accident if it’s done out of spite.”
“True. What are you doing out here?”
“Being alone and enjoying the quiet,” he said pointedly.
Taking the hint, she shut up as he rowed them out to sea.
She had no idea what arbitrary marker he looked for, but he eventually held the oars steady and parallel, bringing the boat to a halt.
He dropped the oars and moved off the bench, lying on his back so his feet were propped up on the bench beside her.
His head rested on his hands folded beneath it.
She mimicked him, letting her feet take his vacated seat and lying back, looking up at the stars.
Double crescent moons lit the sky, and the stars seemed brighter than she remembered Earth’s being, but whether that was true or just the lack of light pollution here, she didn’t know. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered.
A grunt was his only response. They drifted there for a long time, the boat rocking gently, the quiet movement of the water against the hull lulling her into a meditative state.
No wonder Kaden had been so drawn to that painting, if this was what he’d grown up with.
No wonder he’d liked Tempe Town Lake, even if it smelled bad and was a poor excuse for a lake at that.
Eventually, he broke the silence. “You may as well say whatever you jumped on here to say.”
She didn’t have a tactful way to start, but Kaden had never been a tactful person, so she supposed it didn’t matter.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry for what I asked you the other night.
I was drunk and that doesn’t excuse it, but I hurt, and at that moment I kind of just wanted to hurt more.
I don’t want to make things awkward for you, and I won’t bring it up again after tonight.
I know the answer. I know it wasn’t real,” she said, using the words he’d given her that morning.
She should leave it there, but she couldn’t, because there was a reason she’d asked him.
“But I thought it was, at the time. And I won’t ever forgive you for that. ”
“I know.”
“You’ve still never even told me you’re sorry.”
“No, I haven’t.”
She exhaled heavily. It wasn’t like she’d actually expected he would apologize if she pointed it out.
She could probably demand one and he would provide it, but it wouldn’t mean anything.
He’d done what he’d thought he had to. And knowing what the Harvester was—what it could do—she thought maybe it had even been necessary.
One harm to one person to prevent a litany of others. But she didn’t have to like it.
“You saved my life, you know?” She’d never admitted that to anyone, had barely even admitted it to herself—what she’d been thinking of doing that day she’d met him.
Because people weren’t meant to go through life completely unseen, and she hadn’t known how to deal with it anymore.
She’d needed him more than he would probably ever understand, and if it hadn’t been real in the sense that it hadn’t been what she’d thought, he’d still been there for her.
Maybe he hadn’t loved her, but he’d treated her as if he had. “So thanks for that, I guess.”
“Even if you hate me for it?” he asked.
“Yeah. Even if I hate you for it.”
“That isn’t what you came out here to say.”
She sighed. He was still a perceptive son of a bitch.
“Not all of it. So here’s the rest: I know you feel guilty about everything that happened, even if you won’t apologize for it.
And I just wanted you to know that you don’t need to keep trying to pay for it.
Stay for Morgen, if you want. Stay if seeing this mess with the Harvester through is important to you.
But don’t stay for me. I know you think I don’t have a clue what the universe is really like, but I can take care of myself. ”
She didn’t need or want him to stay because his guilt over their past made him feel like he needed to save her from every dangerous situation she might walk into. She didn’t want to be anyone’s sense of obligation.
He was quiet for a stretch, then: “I don’t think that.”
She snorted. “Sure.”
“I don’t. I’m not saying I never did. When you came to Arkadia? Yeah. But you had complete amnesia at the time, Nyx, what was I supposed to think?”
Well, maybe he had a point, but: “My amnesiac ass still kicked yours on the sparring mat half the time.”
“I let you win.”
“Liar.”
“Sometimes I let you win.”
“Whatever you have to tell yourself so you still feel like a badass.”
He laughed softly.
“So you’re saying that now that I’m a real girl with real memories, you think I can handle myself?”
“You were always a real girl. But something like that, I guess. I’m not going to try to tell you what to do if I stay, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Good to know.”
They lapsed into a silence that neither of them broke again. She fell asleep looking up at the stars, and she couldn’t complain about that.