Chapter 11
Matti dreaded the talk she and Ryan needed to have with Sam, and when they arrived home, she found excuses to delay it.
Sam should have a bath before they sat down with him.
She’d had every intention to take him shopping this afternoon, but her father coming over and then her mother’s surprise visit had thrown that plan off the rails.
He wanted Ryan to help him with his bath, so while they were doing that, she put his clothes in the washing machine.
He’d worn one of her T-shirts that she’d cut several inches off the bottom to bed the prior night, so she gave Ryan that to put on him after he was clean.
They would definitely go shopping in the morning.
Once he was clean, and there were no more excuses to delay the conversation, she and Ryan sat him between them on the couch. She’d never had to tell a child their parents were dead, and she didn’t know where to start.
As if sensing her uncertainty, Ryan said, “We need to talk to you about something important, Sam.”
“Am I in trouble? I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not in trouble,” she said. “We have to tell you something that’s going to make you sad.”
“I can’t stay here with you?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because that would make me sad.”
Tears burned her eyes. She was doing it again, letting a boy steal his way into her heart. His time with her was limited by how long it took for him to be safe from the people who’d killed his parents. As soon as he was, she’d find him a great foster family. And damn it, she was going to miss him.
“You can stay here for now, sweetie,” she said. “Sam, your mom and dad… Um, well, you understand what it means when someone dies, right?”
“Daddy’s friend Freddie, he died. Someone stuck a knife in his throat. He never came back. Mommy said he was in heaven and Daddy laughed and said Freddie was in hell.”
Dear Lord. She wished his parents were alive so she could tell them what she thought of them.
Ryan put his hand on the boy’s arm. “Yes, when someone dies, they never come back. Sam, I’m sorry, but your parents died.”
“Are they in heaven?”
Doubtful, but she couldn’t say that. “I think so.”
“Okay.”
Matti blinked. That was it? Just okay? She’d been prepared to hold him while he cried. She glanced at Ryan, and he seemed as surprised as her by Sam’s response. “Uh, Sam, do you understand what Doc told you, that your parents are never coming back?”
He nodded. “Does that mean they won’t come and take me away, that I can stay with you now?” He lifted his face toward Ryan. “And you can come live with us, Doc. We can be a family. You, me, and Matti. And we could get a dog. A big one that will bite the mean men if they come back.”
That was never going to happen. “Sam, Doc has his own home where he lives. But he can come see us anytime he wants to.” She ignored the getting-a-dog part, but his desire to feel safe was hard to ignore.
She’d just have to show him he was safe with her.
As for telling him he couldn’t live with her, she’d figure out how to tell him that when the time came. Tonight wasn’t the time for that.
“Oh,” Sam said, putting great disappointment in that short word. “Can I play with my fire truck now?”
Although she was relieved that Sam wasn’t heartbroken and that the conversation had gone much easier than she’d expected, she was sad for the little boy who was glad his parents were never coming back.
She came in contact with her share of bad parents in her work, but his had to be the worst, and she supposed she couldn’t blame him for not missing them.
What was there to miss where his parents were concerned?
They let Sam play with his truck for a while, then got him to bed. His fire truck was carefully placed on the table next to the bed and his teddy bear was held tight in his arms.
“Good night, Sam.” She kissed his forehead. “Sweet dreams.”
“Night, Matti. Night, Doc.”
“Good night, my little man.” Ryan also kissed his forehead.
“That boy is breaking my heart,” she said when they were back in the living room.
He dropped onto the couch. “Tell me about it.”
“You want a glass of wine or something stronger?”
He smiled up at her. “I’d love a wine.”
There was something about the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled, and the gentle reassurance in his voice when he spoke to Sam, that made her heart flutter in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time.
Despite her initial reluctance to get involved with anyone again, Matti couldn’t deny the growing attraction she felt toward him.
She just didn’t know what to do about it… or if she should do anything.
After pouring their wines, she returned to the living room. As she sat next to him, she handed him one of the glasses. “You’re really great with him.”
“I was thinking the same thing about you.”
She shrugged. “It’s my job.”
“No, it’s more than that with this boy. He’s special.”
“I can’t let him be any more special than my other children. I did that once, and it was my biggest mistake. I can’t… I won’t let that happen again.”
“Tell me about your biggest mistake.”
She didn’t like talking about Mikey, but he needed to understand why she couldn’t open her heart to Sam, so she told him about the little boy she’d once let herself love and how she couldn’t stop his mother from taking custody of him again.
“I’m sorry that he died. No child deserves what happened to him, but that wasn’t your fault, Matti.” He set his glass on the coffee table, then took hers and put it down. “Look at me.”
She didn’t want to. Tears were stinging her eyes, threatening to roll down her cheeks. They made her feel vulnerable. Talking about Mikey always made her cry. But Ryan waited her out, and she finally lifted her gaze to his.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he said again. “Blame the system that returned him to a parent when it shouldn’t have, but most of all, blame his mother for not loving him enough to stay away from drugs, not loving him enough to make the ultimate sacrifice, which would have been to leave him with the foster parents where he was safe and loved.
Blame any of those things, but not yourself. ”
“In my head, I know all that, but in my heart, not so much. There must have been something I could have done to keep him safe.”
“I ask that question every time I lose a patient. What else could I have done to keep this person alive? And you know what the answer is?”
She shook her head, wanting to know the answer more than anything.
“Nothing. There was nothing more I could have done. And that’s the hard truth, Matti.
You did everything you could for Mikey. You loved him, you cared for him, you fought for him.
But sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just don’t turn out the way we want them to.
It’s a harsh reality, but it’s the truth. ”
Matti felt a weight lift off her shoulders as Ryan’s words washed over her. It was a familiar struggle, the battle between logic and emotion, between what she knew in her mind and what she felt in her heart.
“When I first learned that Mikey had died, the guilt was overwhelming, and I almost quit. How could I help other children if I couldn’t save that one little boy?”
“Some things are beyond our control,” he said, his voice gentle. “No matter how much we care, how much we try, there are factors at play that we simply cannot change. It’s a hard truth to accept, but it’s the only way to move forward without being consumed by the guilt.”
“I’m glad I didn’t quit, but the only way I could continue was to build a wall around my heart where my children were concerned.”
He shifted to face her. “And then along comes another little boy who threatens to bulldoze his way through that wall. Scary, isn’t it?”
“So scary. If something happens to him, I…” She shuddered. It would devastate her. She really would quit.
“He doesn’t have any parents now who can come take him away, so that’s not a worry.”
“I hate being glad someone’s dead, but I am. I don’t care if that makes me a horrible person.”
“Well, I’m glad, too, so I’ll just be horrible with you.” He smiled.
How did he know all the right things to say? She couldn’t resist smiling back at him. And that silly heart-fluttering thing was happening, too.
His eyes darkened. “I want to kiss you.”
“Okay.” Okay? That was the best she could do when a sexy man said he wanted to kiss her and was looking at her as if he’d like to gobble her up? She really had no game.
The second his lips touched hers, she melted into his kiss, and all she could focus on was the warmth of his mouth against hers.
He deepened the kiss, and a fire ignited within her the likes of which she’d never felt before.
She lost all sense of time and didn’t know how long they kissed, but when they finally pulled away, she was breathless, her heart pounding in her chest.
He gazed at her with a mixture of tenderness and hunger. He trailed the tips of his fingers down her cheek. “I better go before I forget I’m a gentleman and take this further than either of us is ready for.”
She almost asked him to stay, that she was ready, but he was right, she wasn’t. So, she went for humor to keep things between them light. “A gentleman, huh? Didn’t know there were any of those left these days.”
“A rare breed indeed, but I think there might be a few of us around.” He stood, then held out his hand to help her up. “Thanks for a lovely evening, sweet Matti. And thank you for the pizza. I’m off tomorrow. You want help shopping for Sam?”
“I don’t want to mess up your day off.”
“Speaking of days off, you don’t have to work this week?”
“No, I cleared it with my supervisor to take a few days off.” Fortunately, Patty had been understanding of her situation and concerned about the threat to Sam.
“Then I’d like to go with you two…unless you’d rather I not.”
“No, that would be great if you really do want to. He also needs a haircut, so maybe you know where we can get that done.”
“I know just the place. What time should I be here?”
“Why don’t you come have lunch with us, then we can go, so elevenish?”
“Perfect. See you then.” He put his finger under her chin, lifted her face, and brushed his lips over hers. “Until tomorrow, Matti Colton.”
She walked him to the door, and after he left, she smiled, wishing it was tomorrow already.