Chapter 13
Matti groaned when the alarm clock woke her.
She wanted to hit snooze, or even better, turn the thing off and go back to sleep.
But there was a little boy who’d probably be up and about soon, and she didn’t want him feeling like he had to fend for himself.
He’d done that enough in his short six years.
After a shower, she dressed, then went to Sam’s room to check on him. He was sitting up in his bed with one of his new books open. “Good morning. I see you’re awake already.”
“I’m practicing my words,” Sam said without taking his eyes off the page.
“That’s great, Sam.” How long had he been up?
She and Ryan had taught him five words last night; cat, dog, bug, fox, and car.
She’d never met a child who was as eager to learn as Sam.
And he was wicked smart. They had been impressed with how fast he learned.
If he’d had his way, they’d have spent the night teaching him all the words in the book.
The books they were starting him on were more for three-to-five-year-olds, but Sam had zero reading skills, so picture books with simple words were where they were beginning his lessons.
“I’m ready to learn more words, Matti. I can find the ones I know, but I want to read all the story by myself.”
One thing he did know was the alphabet, which gave him a bit of a head start. He’d told them his mommy had taught him the letters. He even knew how to write them and had been proud of himself as he’d shown them he could.
“We’ll learn some more later. Right now, how about you get dressed while I make us some breakfast?”
“Okay.”
“You need help?”
“No, I can do it. Is Doc coming to see us today?”
“He has to work, but maybe when he gets off tonight. Depends on how tired he is.”
“I like him, Matti. Do you?”
“Sure do.”
“You could marry him, and you and Doc could be my new mommy and daddy.”
Oh, Lord. That wasn’t going to happen. “How about you get dressed, kiddo.” She left before he could continue his matchmaking efforts. It was going to be hard to turn him over to someone else. What if they didn’t understand him like she did?
She had no choice, though. She couldn’t keep him.
Why not? That voice in her head needed to go back to wherever it came from.
Keeping Sam was impossible. Her hours were unpredictable.
She could be called out at any hour of the night to go pick up a child.
She couldn’t take Sam with her on those calls, and he couldn’t stay home by himself.
Even though it really was impossible to consider keeping Sam, as she scrambled eggs, a solution to the problem popped into her head.
Her mother. Emily didn’t live too far from her, and she could always drop him off at Emily’s house if she did get a middle-of-the-night call.
Those didn’t actually happen all that often, so it wouldn’t be like she’d be dumping Sam on her mother all that much.
“No,” she muttered. It was out of the question for her to keep him. As soon as she was sure Sam or the foster family he went to wasn’t in danger, she’d find him a wonderful family.
Sam came into the kitchen carrying his book. “Matti?”
“What, hon?” He was looking up at her with worry in his eyes. She moved the pan from the burner so she could give him her full attention.
“I love my new clothes, but I know they cost a lot of money. I don’t want to be a burden.”
Burden? How did he even know that word and what it meant? “Why would you think that?”
“My daddy says I’m a burden. I asked him what did that mean, and he said I cost him money that could be used for better things.”
Like drugs. Matti was furious that a father would tell his child he was a burden.
And what money had been spent on Sam? He’d barely been given enough to eat, and the clothes he’d arrived in had been a size too small because he’d outgrown them.
Sam had said they got their clothes at the poor people’s place, so she doubted the man had spent any money on clothing his son.
She’d never in her life hated anyone as much as she did Sam’s parents. If they weren’t dead, she’d do everything in her power to send them to prison for neglecting and abusing their son. Sam didn’t need to see the rage inside her, so she took a deep breath to calm herself.
“Sam,” she said as she kneeled down so she was eye level with him. “You are not a burden in any way, okay? You’re a good boy and you deserve good things to happen to you, and one of those things is some new clothes. Don’t ever think you’re a burden to me or anyone, got it?”
“Thank you, Matti.” Tears shimmered in his eyes. “I promise to always be a good boy so you won’t stop liking me.”
“There’s no way I’ll ever stop liking you, sweetie.” She pulled him into a warm embrace, and when he wrapped his thin arms around her, she wondered how she was ever going to give this child up.
“I’m so excited, Matti,” Sam said as she turned the car into the fire station parking lot. “Can I really sit in a fire truck?”
“You sure can.” She’d called her brother to make sure he was on duty and had told Aiden a little about Sam and his background and how much he loved fire trucks.
Aiden had said he’d make Sam’s visit a special one.
She glanced in the rearview mirror and smiled at seeing him leaning his face close to the window.
“Will your brother like me?”
“Absolutely. He’s excited about meeting you.”
“He is?”
That was said with such awe that Matti silently thanked her father for suggesting she take Sam by the fire station. “He sure is.” She shut down the car’s engine. “I’ll come around and unbuckle you.”
“I know how. I watched you do it.”
Sure enough, by the time she got the rear passenger door open, he was unbuckled and climbing out of the car seat. Smart boy. And so eager to learn and to experience the world. She regretted that she wasn’t going to be able to be the one to experience it with him.
“Is that him?”
Her gaze followed where he was looking, and she grinned at seeing Aiden striding toward them on his long legs.
“Yes, that’s Aiden.” She smiled when he reached them.
“Aidey Bean, how goes it?” Of all her siblings, Aiden was the only one who didn’t care what she called him, which took some of the fun out of doing it.
He laughed. “Don’t be teaching my new friend here your nicknames for us.” He squatted in front of Sam. “And you must be Sam. Matti said you love fire trucks.”
Sam vigorously nodded. “I love them a lot. Matti said I can sit in one. I want to be a fireman like you when I grow up. Is it hard to be a fireman?”
“That’s a great goal, and yes, it’s hard, but I think you can do it.” He put his hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Here’s the first thing I want you to learn. There are men who fight fires, and there are women who do, so we call ourselves firefighters, not firemen.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
When was he going to get past feeling like he had to be sorry for any little thing? Matti stayed silent, knowing Aiden would say the right thing.
“Well, there’s no reason to feel sorry for something you didn’t know. Now that you do, I’m sure you’ll say it right.”
“I will.”
“Good.” Aiden stood and held out his hand. “Ready to see what being a firefighter is like?”
“Yes!” Sam put his hand in Aiden’s.
Matti trailed along behind them as Sam bombarded her brother with questions that Aiden patiently answered. Aiden took him to one of the fire trucks first.
“It’s so big,” Sam said, awe in his voice.
“Want to sit in it?” Aiden asked.
“Yes, please.”
Aiden opened the driver’s side door and helped Sam up onto the seat. “Put your hands on the wheel.”
Sam did and then tried to sit up tall. “I can’t see over it. I wish I was big so I could.”
“Let’s make that happen.” Aiden stepped up on the running board, lifted Sam, and then sat with Sam on his lap. “Better?”
“Yes. I wish I could drive it.”
Aiden chuckled. “Come back when you’re eighteen, buddy, and we’ll make a firefighter out of you. Then you can drive it.” He reached forward and flipped a switch.
Startled, Matti jumped when the siren blasted. “Warn a person when you’re going to do that.”
He glanced at her and laughed. “What’s the fun in that, Matticake?” He flipped the switch to Off.
“I think my ears will be ringing all day,” she said.
But it was worth it to see the joy on Sam’s face.
Aiden took them on a tour of the station, and when it was time to leave, he gave Sam a plastic child’s fire helmet, a tin badge that said Junior Firefighter on it, an orange silicone bracelet with Red Grove Fire House stamped on it, and a mug with the station’s logo.
Sam was in heaven. He spent the rest of the day wearing his helmet and talking about Aiden, the fire trucks he saw, and that he wished he was big already and could be a firefighter. If she’d let him, he would have worn the helmet to bed.
The gifts from Aiden, the fire truck from Ryan, and his new books were carefully placed on the dresser near his bed because, “When I wake up in the morning and open my eyes, I’ll see everything.” The teddy bear was, of course, in bed with him.
She’d been blessed to have parents who loved and cared for their children, who gave them anything they wanted within reason, and she could only try to imagine what this new life he was living meant to him.
“All your new things will be right where they are when you wake up, so don’t be getting up and playing with them. Close your eyes and go to sleep.”
“Can I ask you something, Matti?”
There was something in his voice that grabbed her attention. “You can ask me anything.”
He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. “I didn’t wish my mommy and daddy would die, but I wasn’t happy when I lived with them. Now I’m happy. Is it bad that I’m happy when they’re dead? Should I try not to be happy?”
This boy apparently had a hundred ways of breaking her heart, and he’d just gone and done it again. He was also a deep thinker for a six-year-old. She sat on the edge of his bed.
“No matter what happened in the past, it’s okay to feel happy now. Listen to me, Sam. You don’t have to be sad because of what happened to your parents, okay? I think they’re in a better place now and are also happy, so you can be, too.”
“Are they really in heaven?”
That was questionable, but she wouldn’t say that to him. “Yes. Now go to sleep.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “Sweet dreams.”
“Night, Matti.” He closed his eyes.
Later that night, she called her mother to thank her for being an awesome mom.
“What brought this on?” Emily said. “Not that I don’t love hearing how wonderful I was…still am.”
After Matti repeated the conversation she’d had with Sam, they both cried, their hearts hurting for the lost little boy. When she finished talking to her mother, she stared at her cell phone a moment and debated with herself. “Why not?” she murmured, then called Ryan.