Chapter 37
I don’t want regrets. That was Matti’s last thought before falling asleep. Why did her mother have to put doubts in her mind? The other gem from her mother. Ryan’s your person. Everyone can see that but you. Was that true?
She thought of Ryan, how he’d risked himself without hesitation to protect her and Sam, how he looked at her like she mattered more than anything.
How he made her laugh and challenged her.
How he kissed her as if she were the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted, how he made love to her as if he worshipped her.
Maybe loving someone like Ryan—someone who might have to walk out the door on Christmas morning or miss a birthday—wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe what mattered more was that he’d always come back.
The clock ticked past midnight. She turned over in bed, staring at the moonlight slanting through the blinds. I don’t want to live with regrets.
She closed her eyes and tried to sleep without dreaming of him.
She woke up remembering her dream.
Ryan had been there, standing at the end of a long hallway, his silhouette framed by light.
He didn’t speak, he just held out his hand, waiting.
She remembered the way her dream-self hesitated, feet rooted in place, afraid to take the first step.
But then she ran. Not walked. Ran. And when she reached him, he caught her as if he’d been waiting forever to do just that.
The dream had felt so real. Her fingers twitched against the sheets, aching with the ghost of his touch. Maybe her mother wasn’t wrong this time. Maybe she was the one holding on to fear and calling it reason.
She wasn’t going to let fear make her choices anymore.
“Matti,” Sam whispered, coming into her room. “Are you awake?”
“Yes.” She squinted at the clock, surprised to see she’d overslept.
“I’m hungry.”
“Then let’s get you breakfast.”
“Can I have that chocolate cereal?”
“You mean Cocoa Puffs?”
“That one!”
“Sure.” Today would be her last breakfast with him, and she’d give him anything he wanted. “Why don’t you go get dressed, and I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“Okay.” He ran out of the room.
Her head had been so filled with thoughts of Ryan and what she wanted—or didn’t want—with him that she’d forgotten Sam would be going to the Baileys today.
How could she forget that? And now she had to tell him today was the day.
What were the right words to make him understand why it was the best thing for him?
After Sam ate two bowls of cereal—claiming Cocoa Puffs would help him grow big and strong like Doc—Matti sat him down next to her on the couch. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Did I do something bad?”
“No. I need you to do something for me.”
“What?”
“I want you to stop thinking you’re in trouble every time someone wants to talk to you. Can you do that?” She hated that he still worried that he was a bad boy.
“But what if I am in trouble because I was bad?”
“Then I’ll…” Not her, and the thought had her blinking back tears.
“Then someone will tell you, and they’ll explain why.
But, Sam, you’re not a bad boy. I need you to believe that.
You might do something to get in trouble, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad.
It just means that you’re a boy and sometimes boys… and girls do things they shouldn’t.”
A beautiful smile filled his face. “I’m so glad I’m not a bad boy.”
Her heart cracked a little at seeing that smile. She’d promised herself she’d never let another child touch her the way Mikey had, but here was this little boy who’d slipped right in when she wasn’t paying attention. It didn’t change anything, though. She had to do what was best for him.
“Do you remember I talked to you about your new foster family, the Baileys?”
His smile vanished as he nodded.
“You’re going to go live with them today, and—”
“No! No, Matti. I want to live with you and Doc.” He crossed his arms over his little chest. “I won’t go. I don’t care if that means I’m a bad boy.”
“Sweetie, you have to. They’re excited to meet you, and they’re waiting for you now.”
He jumped up and ran down the hallway. After taking a moment to swipe at the tears running down her cheeks and composing herself, she followed him. Only when she reached his room, he wasn’t there. Nor was he in her bedroom or the bathrooms. Since she knew he hadn’t left the house, she didn’t panic.
“Sam, come on out so we can pack your things.” The Baileys were expecting them this morning. When he didn’t make an appearance, she went to her closet to get her suitcases. While in there, she spied the tips of two little shoes peeking out from under an ankle-length coat hanging at the back.
“I don’t know where Sam is, so I guess I’ll have to decide what to pack for him to take with him. Does he want his toys, I wonder?”
She rolled her large suitcase and the medium-sized one to his room. She’d packed all his clothes in the medium one when from the corner of her eye, she saw him standing just inside the room. Pretending she didn’t see him, she opened the large suitcase. “Which toys should I put in here?” she mused.
“Everything.”
“Oh, there you are. Well, let’s see if everything fits.”
Everything did, and soon the suitcases were loaded in the car and they were on the way to the Baileys.
Sam refused to say another word to her, wouldn’t answer her questions, wouldn’t even look at her.
She watched him in the rearview mirror, and all he’d done since getting in the car was to stare out the window.
Her heart was breaking, and as she drove, she did her best to believe she was doing what was best for him.
When they arrived at the Baileys’, she unbuckled Sam from the car seat with hands that trembled more than she cared to admit. His small fingers clung to her shirt as she lifted him out, and when she set him down, he slipped his hand into hers as they walked to the porch.
“I wished you loved me,” Sam said so softly she almost missed it.
A knife to her heart wouldn’t have hurt as much. Before she could respond, the door opened and Jacqui Bailey stepped out. “Here he is,” she said with a big smile.
Sam shrank behind her, burying his face against the back of her leg.
“I think he’s feeling a little shy today,” Matti said, fighting to keep her voice steady.
She’d never wanted to cry before when bringing a child to their foster family…
except for Mikey. Still, she forged on, reaching behind her and taking his hand.
“Sam, can you say hello to Mrs. Bailey?” He didn’t answer, but she felt him shake his head against her leg.
Jacqui came down the porch steps. “Hello, Sam. My son, Miles, will be home shortly, and he’s excited to play with you.”
Still, he said nothing, and Matti stepped to the side, exposing him to Jacqui. She lifted his hand to put it in Jacqui’s, and halfway to doing that, she froze.
She couldn’t do it.
“This is a mistake,” she whispered, almost to herself. She met Jacqui’s puzzled gaze. “I’m sorry. I can’t… I can’t do this.”
Understanding entered Jacqui’s eyes, and she smiled. “I see. Well, he looks like a boy I’d want to keep, too. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.”
“Thank you,” Matti said with deep feeling. She kneeled in front of Sam. “Let’s go home.”
Hopeful eyes peered at her. “I can go home with you?”
Matti hugged him. “Yes, to our home.” She didn’t know what hoops she’d have to jump through to adopt him, but none of that mattered. She’d move heaven and earth for this boy.
“The Bailey home will be ready for your next child needing one,” Jacqui said as Matti walked with Sam back to the car.
Matti turned. “And what a lucky child that will be.”