12. Chapter 12
Glenda
“Can we roll the windows down?” I asked after we got back on the road.
“You don’t have to ask,” Leigh answered, and my window started going down.
“I could use a long ride,” Leigh said from the front over the low hum of rock music and the cool air whipping around.
Linny was fighting to keep her short green hair out of her face. “It’s been a hot minute so I took a ride with Bama. I’m not sure I want my own bike.”
“Nothing wrong with riding with your man.” I turned my face toward the open window, soaking up the small bit of sun peeking through the clouds and the wind kissing my skin. “But there’s nothing like controlling the ride.”
With so much of my life out of my control, that was one thing that always grounded me.
I could go as slow or as fast as I wanted, go see what I wanted to see, just float through the air and clear my mind of everything except my bike, the road, and maybe cars and trucks.
I’d only been riding a few years and didn’t ride daily so I wasn’t as confident as the guys.
Keeping my head on a swivel while enjoying myself was enough work for my brain that everything else quieted. And it was fantastic.
“You’re still wobbly on your feet, so I don’t think now’s a good time to ride,” Leigh said.
My jaw clenched but Linny chimed in. “Maybe we can talk to Sam soon. Just get an idea when that may be something to look forward to. I’m still not 100%, either.”
They were both right. But it didn’t annoy me any less that he said that. He’s not my man.
It also just occurred to me that Linny had gone through some shit, too. Physically and emotionally. Perfect. New spiral to go down.
Her face had still been healing but it was almost back to normal.
I had been so out of it for days. I had so many things I needed to say but didn’t want to have that conversation with Leigh listening in.
For the rest of the ride, I kept looking out the window, thinking about how to make it up to her.
We finally arrived back at Leigh’s, and we all went through the front again and Leigh promptly let Bruce out. He hustled toward the back door and his huge tail wagged side to side.
I grabbed some sodas from the fridge and motioned to Linny to head outside on the back deck. I wasn’t ready to be cooped up again and had to think.
“I gotta make some calls but I’ll be right in there,” Leigh said. “Pizza is on the way.”
Once he closed the door, I waited a few beats. “How are you?” I asked.
Linny shrugged. “Tired. And full. He’s worse than Bama trying to shove food at me all the time. Apparently none of the guys enjoy the heroin chic aesthetic.”
The mention of heroin made me recoil.
“You okay?” Linny asked.
“No. I’m not. But that’s not what you say to that question, is it?”
Heat filled my face as tears blurred my vision.
Linny scooted her chair around the table, then grabbed my hand. “Hey, I’m the one to tell if you’re not. Do you want to talk about it?”
Swiping a rogue tear that escaped off my cheek, I let out a shaky breath. “I can’t remember everything. And I want to know what he was talking about earlier but I also don’t.”
“I get that. I blocked out a lot with my ex. It was how I coped. What did you tell me a while ago? Disassociating?"
Nodding, and taking a few cleansing breaths, I said, “Yep. And apparently I got so good at it I can’t tell dreams from reality.”
“Do you think…” She paused, looking around the yard and at the back door, “That Leigh ever hurt you?”
“Not physically. But, I remember…”
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“After what Dr. Stanley said, though, maybe I need to.” I took another breath, wiping under my eyes with shaky fingers. “What’s so fucked up is I don’t know if I remember correctly. What if I’ve been wrong?”
“Maybe you should think about seeing Dr. Stanley alone? Do you think you want to rehash whatever it is you’re unsure of alone? Or even can?”
“I don’t know.” I did private therapy at the VA for a little while after my discharge but even they were protective of the asshole that attacked me repeatedly.
There was no point in staying to be shamed by them, too.
Plus, I wanted to be wherever Reggie was, and that meant traveling around for a while.
After Reggie died, Sam was the one who told me to at least try group to work through the grief.
But I didn’t understand the point of it.
I never spoke up. And listening to others talk about their grief only seemed to make me bitter.
It wasn’t their fault, but they all had such common stories of loss. And I wasn’t just grieving Reggie. There was a lot of shit that just kept crushing me and I couldn’t relate to any of them. I finally quit going, shoved everything down, and tried the fake-it-til-you-make-it motto.
For the most part, that was working just fine until Linny came.
It wasn’t her fault, but the shift in my pretend-reality shattered once Bama was suddenly unavailable.
Even now, I couldn’t explain that to her.
I wouldn’t. I could sit and tell her until I’m blue in the face that Bama and I never shared anything other than physical moments, but she’s his Old Lady now.
If it were me, I wouldn’t want to hear it so I wouldn’t do that to her.
But I’d learned how to busy myself, practically manage the clubhouse, be outwardly kind and friendly to everyone, and satisfy that need for touch.
I knew Bama was safe because I never felt a spark looking at him, even touching him.
And while a lot of the guys were emotionally unavailable, they also could be possessive and demanding of the bunnies.
Bama was low key, detached, and discreet.
He was over the moon for Linny and Sofie as soon as he met them, though.
So I had to do the right thing and let him go.
He was never mine to release to begin with.
But just like him, I took a fast liking to Linny, too.
I had to be honest with her if I wanted her friendship.
She didn’t know the version of me before Reggie died.
It was refreshing. The other girls were sweet, for the most part, but she didn’t look at me with pity.
To her, I was just easy-going Glenda. I thought having a new friend like that would be enough to fill the void, but I was wrong.
To make matters worse, I knew there was someone all along who would’ve welcomed me with open arms, but I hated myself for wanting to let him, so I fought it tooth and nail.
“I think I need to go to the clubhouse. Staying here may not be the best thing.”
Linny nodded. “Okay, but Leigh was pretty adamant about you staying. He won’t make this easy.”
“Which is why I’m calling Sam.”