Chapter Twenty-Nine
Yun
Kaiden plopped down on the large couch and patted the seat beside him. He had that same smile, as if this were the easiest thing in the world. Then again, everything seemed to come easily to him. It was one of the things I loved about him, but it also frustrated me.
I took the seat. Kaiden was one of the few men who didn’t freak me out. Part of that was that he wasn’t an esper, but another was just him as a person. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that he was capable of violence—anyone was. It was that some part of me never believed he would use it against me.
“You’ve looked better.”
“That’s not something you’re supposed to say to a woman.”
“Well, it’s true. I mean, you never look all that rested or happy, but you look even more tired than usual.” He caught my chin and lifted my face, tilting it side to side to examine it from every angle. “Maybe this squad isn’t a good fit.”
I knocked away his hand. “It’s not like I have a lot of choices. This is my last chance before the Guild is through with me.”
“They always say things like that. They’re not about to throw away a guide.”
“They will if the guide is useless, or worse, dangerous. Of course, the idea that they might not let go of a guide even then, that’s scarier.
” I thought about all the uses a guide might have beyond the expected.
Little research had been done on guides, because the Guild considered them far too valuable to experiment on.
If I had no choices, no use, no friends or family or anyone to miss me, the Guild could do anything they wanted to me without recourse.
A weight settled on my hand, pulling me back from those terrible thoughts.
Kaiden stared at me with more caring and understanding than I would have expected.
He played the part of a playboy, moving from esper to esper, from squad to squad, without ever laying down roots.
He pretended that nothing mattered to him at all—well, nothing but me.
It was times like these, when I glimpsed beneath that mask, that I recognized the depths of care he actually held.
“You silly little girl, do you really think I’d let anything happen to you?” And just like that, he did what he always did. He reassured me, making me feel less alone in all of this.
My eyes burned, but I refused to give in.
I wasn’t about to cry like the little girl he called me, not about to go back out to my men with swollen eyes that I would have to explain.
In fact, I had a feeling they might go have a word with Kaiden after that, as though they needed to find out exactly what had made me cry.
“Now that we’re past that, I want details.” He sat back as though this was the most normal conversation in the world to have. “Come on, I want all the specifics. Guides don’t live in a house with a squad of S-Rank espers without there being some filthy, wonderful details.”
I made a point of rolling my eyes, which helped clear away the remaining tears. “You know me, Kaidan, there are no dirty details to share.”
“Are you serious?” Pure shock ricocheted over his features. “You’ve been there for over six weeks, and you’re telling me nothing has happened? I find that pretty much impossible to believe.”
“Yeah, well, believe it or not, that’s the truth. Just because we’re living together doesn’t mean I’m gonna let them do whatever they want.”
“What about whatever you want?” Whatever expression was on my face had Kaiden laughing. “Is it that impossible for you to think that you might be interested? Come on, Yun, you’re not dead.”
Not dead, no, but I wondered if a part of me hadn’t died. My mind traveled backward in a way it hadn’t since just after it had happened.
As the years had passed, I didn’t get drawn into memories as quickly, as time and space distanced me from that horror. That it would so quickly wrap around me again made me wonder the change.
Stress?
The nightmares?
The upcoming time at The Pitt?
The men?
“Yun.” The sharp name drew me back before I fell headlong into the memories, dragging me back to safety.
I blinked slowly, staring at Kaiden, his familiar light blue eyes grounding me. I shuddered as the energy slipped from me, the fear, the anxiety. I swallowed, the action so thick it hurt, but it helped clear my head.
He tilted his head. “You’re still doing that badly?”
“No, not usually.”
“You haven’t been like this for a long time. You were doing better.”
I pulled my leg up, resting my heel on the edge of the couch and wrapping my arms around that knee. “I’ve been having nightmares again.”
He pressed his lips together. “Those had gone away, hadn’t they?”
“They’re different, now. Before it was a memory of what happened. Now? Now it’s like he’s talking to me, taunting me.”
“How often?”
“Almost every night. Sometimes it’s not as bad, sometimes it’s worse, but almost every night I see him. It’s like I’m back there, in that dark forest, and he’s laughing at me, telling me we’re connected, that we’re inevitable.” I held myself tighter, my voice thin and strained as I spoke.
“Do you know why that’s happening? I mean, there are plenty of reasons I can think of, but do you think there’s a specific reason? Is it the squad?”
“I don’t think so. It started before I met them, before I even knew that I was going to have to work The Pitt.”
“But you knew it was opening again. Maybe it’s as simple as that. You knew it was going to open—that’s almost an anniversary. Perhaps your brain is acting out because of that.”
I mulled that over, and it was possible, but something about it felt strange. “What if he’s right?”
“What?”
I pushed myself to keep talking even though the words hurt. “What if we are bound? Interaction between guide and esper can create a bond—what if I did that?”
“That’s not possible.”
“How can you be sure? How can you know that? No one knows what happens between a guide and a corrupted because it’s never happened.
Maybe he really is talking to me, maybe I can’t escape him, maybe I never really got away at all.
” The words poured from me, allowing the panic to grow until it consumed me.
The things I’d feared but never risked saying swelled, aided by the fact that I spoke to Kaiden. I admitted to him things I’d never dare say to anyone else.
He pulled me against his chest, the hug tight, his voice whispered into my ear but surprisingly strong. “It’s not real, Yun.”
Even if he said that, I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t.
He wanted to reassure me, and as much as I trusted Kaiden, that didn’t mean he knew what he was talking about. I’d learned that life wasn’t as simple as truth and lie.
Maybe my experience had broken me. Maybe it had damaged me so badly that there was no chance of coming back from it, like a part of me had been burned so severely that it would never heal.
The spiral took over, plunging me into the despair that had threatened me, growing over the past weeks and months until I had no idea how to escape it.
At least, until a familiar sensation in my head eased me.
“If you don’t breathe, you’ll pass out. If you pass out, Kenyon will have a hissy fit.” Shear’s voice soothed me, confident, without the tiniest bit of panic. Even Kaiden seemed overwhelmed by my reaction, but Shear didn’t.
He spoke with the same solid voice as always, and that alone reassured me.
“I told you to stay out of my head.”
“Then don’t freak out, and I won’t need to. Trust me, I don’t want to be in your mess of a brain any more than you want me here.”
I could almost hear him sneer as he said that, like my brain was a teardown in a bad neighborhood.
Which wasn’t the least accurate way to describe my brain—especially right now.
“What happened that got you to this state?” His question came out with an edge of curiosity. If it had been pity, I probably would have reacted differently. I hated pity.
Curiosity I could deal with.
“Fuck off,” I responded, half-heartedly.
“Gladly. The meeting will start soon. If you don’t hurry up, someone will come and collect you.”
I responded to him with a mental middle finger, surprised when I pulled away from Kaiden, when I opened my eyes and found that I actually felt better.
The panic that had threatened to yank me into a pool I wasn’t sure I could ever surface from again had dissipated, had dried up until my toes actually touched the ground.
“You okay?” Kaidan stared at me, confusion coloring his expression.
Of course, Kaidan wasn’t privy to my little conversation.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay, now.” At his furrowed brows, I shrugged. “Shear.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “You let a mentalist into your head?”
“It’s not like I invited him.” I pulled away and stood, rubbing the heels of my palms against my eyes to help get rid of any lingering signs of my little breakdown.
Usually, after something like that, I was so worn out that it would take hours to feel like myself again. Somehow, I felt rather refreshed…
I doubted it was because a meltdown helped me, and it made me suspect it had more to do with whatever Shear had done.
“Yet you accepted it. You think I don’t remember when a mentalist tried to help you with a headache one time?” He pressed his lips together, staring at me.
“What?”
“Nothing really. Just interesting that you’d let this happen. You better get back—we’ve both got a job to do.”
Something about the way Kaiden said it kept me quiet, a speculation there in his voice that I didn’t care for. It felt like he was saying something that I didn’t want to hear. So instead, I headed out of the guide room and into the main space.
Despite all the people moving around it, the chaos, my eyes settled directly on the espers I looked for. There, near the front, sat Kenyon, Carter, Ingram and Shear, drawing me to a stop as I stared at them.
Did I trust them? It was hard to believe it, hard to think it possible, but that look Kaiden had given me, the point he’d been trying to make, it all echoed around in my head.
I didn’t have an answer, hadn’t come up with an understanding, but at the very least, it helped distract me. Even The Pitt didn’t feel quite so overwhelming.
Maybe because I’m not alone…
And, boy, didn’t that feel like the most dangerous thought I’d had?