Chapter 14 To My Guilt
to my guilt
HAYDEN
When Ines opens the door, I’m hit with a spicy, herbal scent. Her eyes sparkle as I hand over the cup of coffee I picked up on my way.
“Hi.”
“Hey,” she murmurs. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“Of course.” I hold out the bag of croissants. “A special delivery for you and Santi.”
She takes it, a red hue spreading across her cheeks. “You didn’t have to.”
“Nonsense. There are two chocolate and two with blueberries and mascarpone. The girl at the counter swears they taste heavenly, so I couldn’t resist.”
Ines chuckles. “I see why you’re so good with kids. It’s because, deep down, you’re a kid too.”
“Rude!” I say, feigning offense. “But very accurate.”
In the living room, Santi is busy building a fortress with throw pillows, a blanket, and two chairs. The tip of his tongue sticks out from the corner of his mouth, and his brows are pulled together. He doesn’t notice me until I crouch behind him and say, “Hey, buddy.”
He perks up and turns to me. Eyes ready to pop out of their sockets, he throws his arms around my neck and yells “Tío!” in my ear.
I hug him back, holding him close. The scent of lavender in his hair takes me back to my own childhood and causes a warm, fuzzy sensation. Lavender was Piper’s favorite scent when she was small. Still is.
“How are you, little man?” I ask with a grin.
“Good! I make home,” he says, chest puffed out with pride.
“A home? I was sure you were building a fortress.” Humming, I study the construction. “Do you need my help?”
He nods, and as I secure a blanket to a chair, Ines appears with coffee in hand, dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and a white shirt.
“Going somewhere?”
“I made a nail appointment.” She lowers her gaze to her feet then peers up at me. “Is that okay? Can you look after Santi?”
I brush my fingers over Santi’s cheek before I stand and step toward his mom. I duck my head low so my eyes are level with hers. “Of course it’s okay. I told you I’d look after him anytime.”
“Thank you.” Lips pursed, she assesses her son. “He should be ready to eat at one, and he usually naps right after lunch. There’s soup in the fridge. You’ll just need—”
I place my hand on her shoulder, silencing her. “Go. We’ll be fine.”
Ines gives me a grateful smile then says goodbye to Santi, crouching and kissing him on the forehead. “Uncle Hayden is going to look after you for a little while. Promise me you’ll listen to him?”
“Okay.” He nods, eyes serious and trained on her.
“I won’t be long. After your nap, I’ll be home.”
“Okay.”
She kisses him again and then heads out. When the door closes behind her, I turn to Santi with a mischievous grin.
“So, how about we build a fortress instead of a house?”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” He jumps around, hands in the air.
“And then we’ll play. Who do you want to be? A knight who protects the fortress, or”—I pick up the T-Rex toy from the floor—“the dinosaur who wants to destroy it?”
He pumps one fist. “A knight!”
I hold the dino up and bellow, “Then I’ll be a big, roaring dinosaur!”
He presses his hands to his cheeks, looking at me with stars in his eyes. “Tío, you the best.”
I chuckle. “Let’s get to work, buddy.”
Three hours later, Ines returns and takes her shoes off at the door.
“Hey,” I whisper from my spot on the couch. “Santi is still asleep.”
“Thanks.” She gives me a grateful smile. “Want to taste test the croissants before you go?”
I hop up and rub my hands together. “I’d love to.”
She gestures for me to sit at the table then busies herself in the kitchen. “Coffee or tea?”
I scrub a hand down my face, wiping away the fatigue that hit me after Santi went down, when the apartment was quiet. “Coffee.”
As Ines works, I can’t help but think of Riley in my kitchen this morning. The scent of vanilla, the pancakes, and the view—damn, the view almost broke and healed me at the same time.
With her hair pulled up, her delicate neck was on full display, her nipples poking at the fabric of her loose tee, making it hard not to stare at her chest. And those tiny sleep shorts should be fucking illegal.
The curve of her ass and her toned legs affected me so viscerally, I had to sit at the bar to hide my erection until after she’d left the kitchen.
In a matter of a week or so, the walls I built between us have really begun to crumble.
“Hade?”
I blink and refocus on Ines.
Brow arched, she studies me. “Is everything okay?”
“S-sorry. I spaced out.” I lick my lips. “What did you say?”
“Do you want milk or sugar in your coffee?”
I shake my head, hoping to knock some sense into it. “No thanks. Just black.”
She pours two cups of coffee then sits across from me.
I inhale, relishing the scent of the warm liquid, and bring the mug to my mouth. “Thank you so much.”
“It’s just coffee. And I’m the one who should be thanking you. For the croissants and, more importantly, for watching Santi. You’re a lifesaver.”
“I love spending time with him, so you’re more than welcome.” More than that, being in his presence, in her presence, is saving my life. I don’t tell Ines that, but I don’t know I could survive the grief and my guilt without them.
“He didn’t cause you any trouble?”
I take another sip and shake my head.
“And he agreed to eat soup?”
The look I give her is half wince, half grin. “Not exactly, but a little bribing did the trick.”
With a chuckle, she brings her croissant to her mouth and takes a bite. “Oh my God,” she moans. “This really is heavenly.”
I follow her lead and take a bite, and damn, is she right. The combination of flavors is unique but incredible. “Looks like the barista was right.”
When we’ve finished our croissants, I sit back and take a long sip of coffee.
Ines does the same. “What did you bribe Santi with?”
“A croissant. Once he realized I’d brought a chocolate one for him, he dove right into the soup.”
“Can’t say I blame you,” she says. “Sometimes, bribing him is the only way to get him to eat vegetables. Or take a bath.”
“He didn’t want to nap, but I think that’s my fault. He was still wound up from playing and all the sugar.” Head lowered, I drag my finger over the tabletop. “We read a couple of books, and that finally did the trick.”
“You still managed to get him to sleep. I’d call that a win.” She pats my hand and clears her throat, her expression turning cautious. “How are you? And please be honest.”
I shrug. “I’m okay. Some days, it’s hard to get out of bed.
Others, I feel like I’m getting back on track.
” I set my empty mug on the table. “Visiting you two is the highlight of my week. You always make my days brighter. Being around Santi makes me feel close to Owen. It keeps me from losing myself to my grief…” My chest tightens, making it hard to get the last words out. “To my guilt.”
“Hade, it wasn’t your fault,” she urges. “None of it was your fault.”
I don’t reply. I don’t want to argue with her.
Owen had changed. I knew that. He said things that concerned me, about his life as a new dad.
I saw him drifting away from Ines too. I asked, of course, many times, but I should have tried harder.
I was too preoccupied with my obligations to Sabotage.
I knew he was struggling, but I thought I’d have more time to help him.
“Are you seeing a therapist?” she asks, bringing me back to reality. “I started a month ago, and it’s helping me a lot.”
I clear my throat, sit straighter. “Yeah, I am. Don’t worry about me.”
Her dark brown eyes are watchful, concerned. She can tell I’m lying.
Rather than call me out on it, she shakes her head and takes our mugs to the sink.
Santi fusses, so I quickly say goodbye and head home. The relief I normally get out of visiting has dimmed after my conversation with Ines.
As I’m turning the key in the ignition, my phone buzzes. I take it out of my pocket and answer without checking the caller ID.
“Hey, man!” TJ’s voice is loud in my ear. I met him not long after I moved to New York. He owns three bars and a club I used to frequent. “It’s been a while.”
While I should be happy to hear from him, I honestly don’t feel much of anything. “Hey. It has. How are you?”
“Doing well. Opening a new place on Friday.”
“Congratulations. Business must be good.”
“It is.” His responding chuckle makes the phone line crackle. “Any chance you could come to the opening? Stay for a few hours? I know you love getting behind the bar and mixing drinks for the crowd. It’d be fun, and the bar would get a lot of buzz if people knew the Hayden Hale was bartending.”
My gut sinks. “I don’t know…”
“Hade, please. I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t really need it. I took a big risk with this place. The competition in the area is serious.”
I hesitate, fingers rapping on the steering wheel. The last thing I want is to go out and socialize, but if I can talk Riley into going with me, maybe I can make up for my Friday blunder.
“Okay.” I sigh. “Send me the details.”
“You’re the fucking best!”
“You owe me something from the top shelf,” I tease.
“Anything,” he eagerly agrees. “See you on Friday.”
I end the call, toss my phone on the passenger seat, and drive away. Now to convince Riley. Surely, she could use a break after dealing with the smoke damage in her apartment. And maybe she’ll meet a guy there.
As the thought crosses my mind, my stomach roils. Why does it feel so fucking bad just imagining her with someone else?
Fuck…I think I’m heading toward inevitable disaster.