Chapter 23 For Now
for now
RILEY
He holds me tight against his chest, as if he’s afraid to let me go.
I inhale, my head spinning. This morning, his sheets don’t smell only like him—they’re full of my scent too.
I snuggle into him, grinding my ass against his groin.
The hard outline of his cock brings heat to my cheeks.
I thought our first time was perfect, but yesterday knocked it out of the park.
The things he can do with his tongue, his fingers, and especially his pierced dick blew my mind.
This time, I lost count of how many orgasms he gave me—in the kitchen, in the shower, on the couch, in his bed.
“Morning.” His raspy whisper sends shivers down my spine.
“How did you know I was awake?”
“I can hear your thoughts.” He plants a kiss in my hair. “What time do you need to be at the studio?”
“Eleven. Today’s the last day of the semester.”
“When are you going home?” His voice cracks on the last word.
A weird twinge pierces my heart. Is it possible he doesn’t want me to leave?
“Are we talking about me going back to my apartment, or to LA?”
“LA.”
“I leave on Saturday morning.”
“Two days,” he mutters. “And you’ll be gone for a month.”
I sigh. “Yeah.”
He flips me onto my back and hovers over me, his hair a wild mess. “But what about your apartment? You don’t need to stay to make sure they clean it correctly?”
This man has always made my heart sing. Even with his disheveled hair and sleepy eyes, he’s still the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.
At this point, the chances of my crush going away are nonexistent.
“Nastya promised to help.” I cup his cheek, caressing his skin. “She’ll check on the place once the work is done.”
He arches a brow. “Why didn’t you ask me? I don’t have plans to go anywhere this summer.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.” And because I can’t predict what kind of mood he’ll be in.
“Or you don’t think I’m reliable.” He rolls away and sits on the edge of the bed.
“Hayden…” I prop myself up on my elbows, heart squeezing painfully.
He puts his sweatpants on. Then, he turns, face unreadable, and says, “What do you want for breakfast?”
“A coffee and some avocado toast would be great. I bought—”
“I know.” With that, he storms out of the room.
Once the door is closed, I bury my face in his pillow and scream. This morning was perfect, yet the day hasn’t even begun and it’s already fallen apart.
My day is torturous. Physically, I’m at the dance studio, but my mind is still in Hayden’s penthouse.
After he put the walls between us this morning, the flicker of hope I had that there could be an us died. Though what did I really expect? He needed a distraction from his breakdown, and instead of giving him moral support, I let him fuck me for hours.
The award for the most idiotic person alive will no doubt go to me.
But as my ten-year-olds leave, happily chatting with one another, warmth spreads through me. They are so full of life and dreams.
I wipe sweat from my brow and head to my desk to check the time.
“Have you packed for California?”
I glance over my shoulder at Nastya. She wanders into the room, dressed in black leggings and a one-shoulder crop top, a bottle of water in her hand.
“Haven’t even started.” I give her a small smile. “I’m going to stop by my apartment tonight to collect more things.”
She lowers herself onto the floor. Back straight, she crosses her legs and peers up at me. “Are you ready to go home?” she asks.
With a sigh, I join her. “Yes…and no.”
“Why not? You’ve been talking my ear off about this trip for weeks. What changed?”
I chew on my cheek, weighing my options. It only takes me a moment to decide to come clean. “I did it again.”
“Did what again?”
“I had sex with Hayden.”
She straightens her legs and starts stretching. I wait, knowing she won’t keep quiet for long.
“And what did you agree on this time? That it was just this once one more time?”
I shrug. “Kind of.”
“Riley…”
My heart sinks. “You don’t understand. Sex with him isn’t just sex.
It’s everything.” I press my hand to my chest to stave off the sensation that I can’t breathe.
“It’s incredible. I’ve never felt this way before, not with anyone.
The only other time I feel so alive is when I lose myself in dance.
” I close my eyes, emotions overwhelming me, tears threatening to spill.
“Just me and the stage. That’s how I feel with him. ”
When I open my eyes again, my strong, rational best friend’s face is tearstained. It breaks me. She knows the feeling all too well. She misses dancing as much as I do. Her decision to quit was based on physical trauma while mine was emotional, but we miss the stage all the same.
“Do what you think is right,” she whispers, swiping at her cheeks. “I’ll always be here for you, in happiness and in heartbreak.”
I slip closer and wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her to me. “I’m so lucky you’ve stuck with me this long.”
“Glad you feel that way, because I plan to be with you always, even in the afterlife.”
I chuckle, leaning away. “Do you think we’ll find ourselves in heaven?”
“With our lifestyles?” she asks, smiling teasingly. “We’ll be lucky if we get a place in hell.”
When I finally get to Hayden’s place with everything I plan to take with me to LA, it’s after eight. The sound of a guitar halts me in my tracks. The tune is quiet, almost uncertain, but still—he’s playing.
I set my duffel bag on the floor in the foyer and tiptoe toward the sound. He’s on the couch, wearing a pair of sweatpants, fingers slowly moving over the frets. As I step closer, he looks up, and a rare bright smile lights up his face.
“It’s the first time since…” He sighs and drops his focus to the instrument again.
He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. I understand.
I sit beside him and put my head on his shoulder. “It’s good. It’s important for you.”
“I’m sorry about this morning,” he whispers. “I acted like a child who doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“You’re forgiven, and thank you for saying that.” I move away but turn to find him already watching me. “I didn’t ask you to check on my apartment because I didn’t want to bother you…in case you weren’t in the mood to get out. I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”
“I understand.” He licks his lips. “The truth is…I’m not a very reliable person right now, so I don’t blame you.”
My heart stutters. “You’re wrong. Look at all the good you’re doing for Ines and Santi. You’re reliable for them.”
“And I am for you.” He swallows audibly, his Adam’s apple moving up and down. Then, he sets his guitar on the coffee table and faces me. “It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in; I’d do anything for you. Just tell me you need me, and I’ll fucking cross all of New York to get to you.”
I need you now.
I need you always.
That’s what I want to say. Instead, I stick with a topic that will help me make it through my vacation. I need to understand who we are to each other.
“I was always jealous of your friendship with Piper, how supportive you were of each other. I wanted that too.” I take a deep breath. “I’m glad I can call you my friend now too.”
The corners of his mouth twitch. “I’m glad you’re my friend too, Ry baby.” He takes my hand and twines his fingers with mine. “You’re always welcome here. Even after your apartment is fixed, you can stay any time. When you’re here, this place feels like home, not just a soulless cavern.”
“Is it because you like my company? Or my cooking?” I ponder. “Or is it because our ‘just once’ sex was too good?”
“All of it,” he says without hesitation. “Though I think our ‘just once’ sex should stay in the past.”
My stupid heart drops to the floor. Head lowered, I avoid his gaze. It hurts more than I prepared myself for.
“Ry, look at me, please.” He takes my chin between his fingers and tilts my face up, making me look him in the eye.
“I owe you honesty, so here it is. I think it should stay in the past for now. You’ve known me your whole life, and you know I’m not my usual self right now.
The grief I’m carrying, my guilt…some days, it’s too much.
I don’t want to drag you into my mess.” He presses his forehead to mine and inhales, closing his eyes.
“I need to get better. If we ever decide to be more than friends, I need to be worthy of you first. Just give me time.”
The butterflies in my stomach let loose again, though I can’t ignore the mention of his guilt. I won’t ask him about it now. I’ll give him more time to heal.
“Of course,” I say quietly. “We’ll never know if we can make it work unless we try, but we both need to be ready.”
“Thank you for being so understanding.” He kisses my forehead. “I promise to put in the effort.”
My heart floats, but for now, I change the subject, ready to lighten the mood. “Wanna watch Arcane?”
“I’d love to.” He drapes an arm around my shoulders and tucks me into his side.
Hayden and I talked the whole way to the airport, but after I checked in, we fell into silence. Now, as we stand together near the TSA line, awkwardness washes over me.
Needing something to do with my hands, I pull out my phone and check the time. “Well, I’d better go.”
“Take care, Ry.” He waves awkwardly, a strained smile on his face.
“You too.” I step closer and press my lips to his cheek. His scent slams into me, weakening my knees. “See you in a month.”
His lips spread wider, his smile more genuine. “See you.”
I leave without looking back. If I do, I’m afraid I won’t have the strength to get on the plane.