38. Landry
CHAPTER 38
landry
“So, um, how long are we pretending I didn’t hear you creeping back in at two in the morning?” Rowan asks as he makes his bed.
“Indefinitely,” I growl from across the room.
“You and Daisy didn’t go off together to talk things out?”
I shake my head. “We did. But she didn’t take it very well.”
“What do you mean?”
“Does it look like I want to relive that conversation right now? Sometimes I wonder whether I’m really the one who can’t read people,” I retort angrily, but Rowan only crosses his arms and continues staring expectantly.
“If you really want to know,” I concede after a while, “I tried letting her down easy, like you suggested. I gave her all the reasons why we couldn’t have a romantic relationship, but she shot each of them down.” I leave out the accidental make out session for his sake, but just thinking about kissing Daisy admittedly makes my stomach dip. I clear my throat, hoping he can’t read my thoughts on my face. “I’m afraid I only made things worse.”
“Come on, Landry,” Rowan scolds me. “That’s not what I meant when I said you’re too far in to keep leading her on. You were supposed to realize how much you actually do like her and tell her you wanted to be together for real!”
I frown. “Oh. Well, that’s not exactly what I got from our conversation.”
“Gah, for one of the smartest people I’ve ever known, you can be so dense sometimes, man.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, staring down at my lap. Then I glance up at him. “You know what, maybe you’re the one who should be apologizing this time.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. We’ve been friends for over a decade, and you still haven’t figured out that I need you to be very literal in times like this. Yet, Daisy picked up on that within a few hours.”
He huffs out an incredulous laugh. “And you can be painfully oblivious to the stuff right in front of you because you don’t want to have to acknowledge your feelings or think about what it all means.”
It instantly brings me back to the day almost a year ago when Blake told me the same thing about Loren in a parking lot outside of Rowan’s clinic.
“I’m too stubborn,” I mutter. “I know. But I’m not sure how to turn it off. I’ve been trying, but I don’t know how to be different.”
Rowan shrugs, his expression softening as he sits at the foot of the bed. “You’ve already started changing just by being open to the idea. Now take it one conversation, one interaction at a time.”
I nod.
“You don’t have to tell me, but would you at least allow yourself to consider how you really feel about her?” he adds.
Warmth and longing instantly fill my chest in equal proportions. “I’m not sure I have a choice in that anymore. The feelings are already there … I just have to accept them. But it’s probably going to take me a while to articulate it.”
He smiles. “That’s okay, as long as you tell her you’re working on it. In the meantime, keep showing her.”
“And what if we’re never on the same page as far as commitment goes?” I pose.
He glares at me. “You’ve gotta quit saying you don’t believe in marriage when you’re already married.”
“This doesn’t exactly count, though.”
He scoffs. “Even if it wasn’t in church, it’s legally binding, so it’s still something. You made vows, didn’t you?”
I open my mouth to argue, but my jaw snaps closed when I realize he’s right. “Yeah, we did. Daisy insisted we write our own vows, though. Instead of ‘love, cherish, and obey,’ we used words like ‘respect, honor, and support,’ stuff we figured we’d both be able to uphold after we went our separate ways.”
“You mean, after you divorce her?” Rowan glares at me as he waits for his words to sink in.
“Yeah, I guess,” I mumble and drag a hand down my face. It’s not like I haven’t considered the divorce part. But it’s already hitting differently after hearing another human say it out loud.
“What have I done?” I mutter behind my palm. “I’ve ruined her life, haven’t I?”
My chest starts to tighten, making it harder for me to breathe. But Rowan moves to sit beside me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay, Lan.”
“No, it’s not. I swore to myself I’d never get married because I didn’t want to make anyone feel like they were trapped or stuck with me and because I never wanted to have to go through a divorce. And here I am, doing exactly that, but with Daisy of all people. She’s the last person in the world I want to hurt.”
“No one’s saying it has to be that way, though. Maybe you don’t have to get divorced, right?”
“I can’t …” I stop and struggle to catch my breath again. Then I close my eyes and summon the memory of Daisy telling me to stop stressing over the worst possible outcome because it’s more torturous than hoping for the best and getting let down in the end. I remind myself that she’s just across the hall from me now and that there’s still a chance I can fix some of the damage I’ve done.
“Landry?”
I let out a long exhale and open my eyes. “I’m sorry. I never gave the idea of marriage a fair chance before this, so I didn’t think it would bother me when Daisy and I made it to this point. But I was wrong.”
Rowan’s mouth turns up on one side. “I’ll spare you the jokes about admitting you were wrong if you tell me what part you were wrong about.”
I huff. “All of it.”
“Are you saying you’re no longer opposed to a real marriage and everything that comes with it?” he ventures carefully.
“I guess I’m saying … I don’t know anymore. Maybe I should at least reconsider it before I make any more decisions about our future.”
For the first time, I allow myself to think about what I want and not just what’s safe or what I deserve. If I could have things like an actual loving relationship, long-term commitment, and kids of my own, would I want them?
Aside from the risks involved, why wouldn’t I want all of it?
Didn’t Daisy say that we all crave some form of love and acceptance? Isn’t that what I’ve been missing all these years?
I guess I figured if I couldn’t get that from my own family, it was pointless to try with anyone else. But she’s already lived with me and accepted me for who I am, flaws and all, and she’s still offering her love, without conditions. All I’d have to do is love her in return, in my own way.
“What’s going on in there, man?” Rowan asks after a while.
I cringe and scratch the back of my neck. “A whole lot of shit I never imagined. And you know it’s already a dumpster fire in here most days,” I tell him.
He laughs softly. “I’ve always pictured the inside of your head as more of a circus—organized chaos.”
“Not far off, but I think it’s less fun,” I reply, smirking.
“A browser window with too many tabs open?”
I snort. “And one of the tabs is blasting music, but I can’t figure out where it’s coming from to turn it off.”
“So how many of those open tabs are reserved for my sister?”
“All of them—I mean, only the wholesome ones.” I barely get it out with a straight face before he shoves me.
“In all the time we’ve known one another, this is the deepest heart-to-heart discussion we’ve ever had,” Rowan declares as he stands. “Don’t you think that’s pretty significant?”
I roll my eyes. “Are you going to get all mushy and talk about all the ways Daisy’s changed me?”
“I was actually going to say it’s funny how this whole thing panned out. You thought you were in it to help Daisy, but you ended up learning about trust and love from her, just before those feelings seem to have developed for you. It’s almost as if the Holy Spirit took both of your strengths and weaknesses into account before He nudged you together on purpose.”
I laugh. “Maybe. It would make sense if that’s how this works, since you’re still single. Because what could you possibly have left to learn?” I blurt out, realizing how hurtful it sounds a second too late. “Sorry, man. I meant that as a compliment.”
He nods, his smile looking sadder now, and I’m immediately overcome with guilt. My intentions don’t seem to matter this time. He needs first aid, not an explanation.
“I mean, I’m sorry. That was insensitive, and I shouldn’t have said it,” I tell him firmly.
“Nah, it is what it is, right? I’ll find someone if and when God wills it,” he replies. “And probably when I least expect it.”
“Yeah. For what it’s worth, I wish I had more sisters to spare,” I say, making him laugh.
“It doesn’t have to be an even trade. Just promise me you’ll take good care of mine.”
I have to swallow the unexpected emotion in my throat before I can reply. “Always.”
“And you have to let her take care of you,” he adds with a smirk, and I agree.