Leah
Idon't belong here.
This is what remains when darkness itself has been consumed. It's not the absence of light, but the absence of the possibility of light. The place where even shadows go to die.
It's … something else—and yet absolutely nothing at the same time.
There's no trace of a life before this, no impressions, no footprints.
Only memories.
Is this what happens when you die?
Is this death?
I thought there'd be light, a tunnel that leads to everlasting joy.
No more tears.
No more pain.
No more fear.
Except that's all I feel.
“Help!” I scream. “Please!”
My voice is swallowed the instant it leaves me. There’s no echo, no ripple through the emptiness, nothing to prove I made a sound at all.
Can anyone hear me?
Is there anyone who can hear me?
God, where are You?
I'm scared.
I reach for the comfort I’ve found in Him my entire life, but I can’t feel it.
I can’t feel Him.
It's like there's a wall of thorns between us, as if the separation alone wasn't painful enough.
“Please,” I whisper. “I don’t want to be alone.”
This can't be real.
This can't be the end.
What was the point?
What was the fucking point of surviving the betrayal of love, of my body, of my own family?
Please, I'm not done.
I don't want to be done. I finally found a life worth living, a love worth fighting for.
I finally found me.
Don't take it away from me. Not now.
Not after I gave You everything.
My faith.
My trust.
My brokenness.
I believed I needed You.
Because I couldn't carry it all.
Because I needed purpose.
Because simply being me wasn't enough.
That apart from You, I was nothing.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound to save a wretch like me …
God, I'm lost, but where are You?
I can't see You.
I can't feel You.
I can't …
I freeze.
Was someone calling my name?
There it is again.
“Hello?” I shout. “I'm here! Oh please, I'm right here!”
I strain into the abyss, begging, reaching for a hand.
But no one is there.
No one is coming.
My body succumbs to the void, my terror serving as my only companion.
As I begin to drift, the whisper of a spark steals my attention. It's insignificant, like a fleck of glitter. So small that I almost wonder if it's a hallucination.
But it fills me with unexplainable hope.
I can't stop staring at it.
Warmth follows, filling the desolate space with vibrating energy and purpose. It reaches my body, spreading like golden honey across my skin, gentle and inviting. Like a Texas sunrise in June.
The scent of ripe citrus and worn leather fills my lungs with new life as a song rests on my next breath.
And I can't help but laugh. I'm not lost. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I hear my name again, and this time, I lean into it.
The flicker in the void ignites, chasing away my fear and loneliness. Vibrant hues swirl around me, and suddenly, I am enraptured in a beautiful prism of his heavenly light.
In his halo.
And I reach for him.
Large, warm hands cradle my face as the soft, analogue chirp of a heart monitor filters through the haze.
My eyes open.
And finally, I'm home.
“Welcome back, darlin’.”