Chapter Forty Eight
My sweet Kade,
If you’re reading this, then I’m gone, either by my own hand, or his. Maybe both.
He and I have always been a tragedy waiting to happen.
And I wish I could say I’m sorry in a way that matters. But we both know I was never good at saying the right things. Never good at doing the right things either.
Especially when it came to you.
You were always the good one. The safe one. The one who held steady when I spun out.
And I did spin out, didn’t I? God, I was such a mess. So young. So loud. So desperate for more. Such a fuck-up.
But you loved me anyway. You held on when anyone else would’ve let go. You believed in me, even when I made it impossible. Sometimes I hated you for that. Because no one had ever looked at me like I was worth saving... not until you.
And still, I ran.
See? A fuck-up.
Not because I stopped loving you. I did love you. Maybe too much. But I wasn’t built for the life you offered. The porch swing and the picket fence. The promises and a house full of babies.
God, I never even wanted kids. How messed up is that?
I tried to be that girl. Really, I did. But the storm inside me never went quiet. And you... you craved peace.
I wanted anything but stillness. I thought I could outrun the wreckage in my chest. Thought someone like me could start over clean.
Then I met him.
Jonathan didn’t ask me to be soft, or good, or whole. He didn’t expect anything at all... just control. And it didn’t start that way, of course. It never does. At first, he made me feel seen without needing to be better.
But that kind of love... it has teeth.
He was cruel, Kade. Not just to me. But when he was, I let it happen. Because by then, I was already drinking to cope. Already screaming to be heard. Already too broken to come back to you, even if I wanted to.
It got dark. And I wasn’t just surviving him. I was surviving me.
There were nights I’d look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. Nights I couldn’t control my anger. Nights I scared myself. But he pushed me there. He made me that way. He chipped away until all that was left was the worst in me... and even then, he told me that was my fault, too.
And I believed him.
Maybe that’s the worst part.
When the baby came, I thought I’d be different. But I wasn’t. There were days I couldn’t look at her without thinking of everything I lost. Everything I gave up. And there were nights I heard her crying and couldn’t move. Couldn’t feel anything but regret and rage and exhaustion.
I hated her, and then I hated him for making me, and myself for letting it happen.
And sometimes, I hated you.
She deserved more, and more is all you ever gave me. So I’m giving you her.
Because even after everything, you were still the only man I trusted to love without demanding I be someone I couldn’t. You were the only one who ever stayed.
And I need you to stay again.
You gave me everything once. Your heart. Your faith. Your money.
And I gave you lies.
But I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to be loved the way you loved me. I didn’t know how to receive something I was never taught to give.
If I had more time... maybe I could’ve figured it out. But I don’t. So I’m giving you the only thing I have left that matters.
Our daughter.
And yes, I’ll call her that, even if I didn’t carry her with you. Because I will never claim that man as her father. She was never his. She was always meant to be yours.
We were soulmates, remember?
I was your one and only. The girl you swore forever to under that old tree behind your parents’ house... the one you carved our initials into like it made us indestructible.
You made big promises, Kade.
You used to look at me like I was your whole damn future. Said you’d never stop loving me. Even if I ran. Even if I broke things. Even if I hurt you. You said I’d always be it for you.
And maybe... maybe I always believed that. Even when I walked away. Even when I married someone else. Because deep down, I thought that if things ever really fell apart... you’d come.
You always came for me before.
Why didn’t you come for me this time?
When I found out I was pregnant, I was angry. I didn’t want her. Didn’t want to be trapped again. I felt caged and used and tired. But then I thought of you. Your loyalty. Your steadiness. The way you love with your whole chest, your whole heart, no questions asked.
And I knew... there was no one else I could hand her to.
You were supposed to be the constant. You always were for me. So I figured... maybe you still meant every word you said. That no matter how messy it got, you’d still see me.
Still choose us.
Because no matter how it ended... no matter how many lies or bruises or years came between us... I was yours. And you were mine. Four years in. Together forever.
You owed me forever, Kade Archer. And all I got was a happily never after.
So take her. Love her like you loved me. Give her the life I never could. And maybe one day, when she’s old enough, you’ll tell her that her mother wasn’t always broken.
That people made her this way.
That once upon a time, she loved a boy so much she gave him everything she had…
Love always,
Your Marlee May