Chapter 4
‘I am,’ I tell her.
‘OK. Hand me your phone.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘Erase Angus from it. I’m going to start by deleting his number and all the text messages between you. Then I’m going to wipe him off all your social media. Have you updated your relationship status?’
‘No.’
‘Right. I’ll do that too. We need the world to know that Laura Spalding is open for business.’
‘That doesn’t sound right, somehow.’
‘You know what I mean. The easiest way to forget the old horse is to jump on a new one, but we’ll look at that once I’ve de-Angused you. Phone, please.’
‘I’m not planning to jump on any new horses,’ I tell her firmly as I slide the phone across the table.
‘You say that now, but give it a bit of time. The good news is that I’m a pro on the apps, so I’ll help you put together an absolute knockout profile when the time comes. What’s the unlock code?’
‘Two-five-oh-eight. It’s Angus’s birthday.’
‘That’s the first thing we’re going to change then,’ she tells me as she prods the screen a few times. ‘Right. What do you want your new code to be?’
‘Umm, I don’t know. Isn’t it safer to leave that alone? What if I forget my new code and can’t get into my phone?’
‘You’ve got fingerprint ID set up, haven’t you?’
‘Yes, but it still wants the code sometimes.’
‘Fine. I’m going to set it to my birthday. If you forget that, you’re in big trouble.’
Fifteen minutes later, all trace of Angus has been wiped from my phone. Liv has unfriended us on Facebook, updated my relationship status to single and unfollowed him elsewhere. She’s now brought up my list of contacts and her finger is hovering over his name.
‘Don’t delete that,’ I tell her. ‘I might need to contact him to let him know if something happens to Meg. He dotes on her.’
‘Hmm.’
‘What?’
‘He abandoned her as well, didn’t he? I’m not sure he has the right to know her business any more than he does yours. What do you think, Meg?’
At the mention of her name, Meg looks up from her basket and thumps her tail a couple of times.
‘See? She agrees with me,’ Liv states firmly. ‘Shall we delete and block the horrid man from Laura’s phone, Meg?’
Another tail wag.
‘Looks like you’re outvoted,’ she tells me with a smile as she fiddles with the phone some more. ‘Now, what about the pictures?’
‘I’d like to keep them. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be mooning over him, but he was part of my life for ten years and I’ll lose all of that if you get rid of them.’
‘Fair enough. We definitely need to change the lock screen one though. Meg, show us your best side.’
Liv advances on the dog, snapping several shots on the phone as she does. ‘That one, I think,’ she declares after reviewing them. ‘Right, here you go. All ready for your new life. Let me know when you’re ready and we’ll get some dating apps installed.’
‘Like I said, I think that will be a while. I’ve been with Angus for so long that the idea of meeting someone new terrifies me.’
‘Oh, you’ll be fine. Men are simple creatures and they all broadly work the same way. You just have to treat them like puppies in the bedroom to begin with.’
‘I’m sorry?’
She smiles. ‘House training.’
‘Umm, I’m not expecting them to pee on the carpet, Liv.’
‘OK, maybe it’s not the best analogy. What was Angus like as a lover, if you don’t mind me asking?’
I can feel myself blushing a little. I don’t think I’m prudish where sex is concerned, but Liv has sampled so much of the sexual smorgasbord that she always makes me feel a little inadequate when the subject comes up.
‘He was all right,’ I say carefully. ‘Why?’
‘All right? Talk about damning with faint praise. I take it the big O wasn’t a regular visitor then?’
‘Liv, are you seriously asking me about my orgasm history here?’
‘Yes,’ Liv says robustly. ‘This stuff matters. Take a mouthful of wine if you’re feeling uncomfortable. I’ll go first, if it helps. Trevor may have been a dirty bastard, but at least he knew his way around female anatomy. Do you remember Giles?’
‘Umm, vaguely. Was he the one before Sarah?’
‘That’s him. Utterly clueless. He’d honestly stand more chance of finding a cure for cancer than my clitoris. Women are, unsurprisingly, much better in that department.’
‘That makes sense, I guess.’
‘So, Angus?’
‘He didn’t rock my world in the bedroom, if I’m honest. I mean, it was OK. Nice, even. Sometimes it was purely functional, but that’s normal, isn’t it? To be fair to him, I’m not sure I’m an orgasmic sort of person. Some people just aren’t, are they?’
‘I’ve never heard so much nonsense in all my life!
’ she exclaims crossly. ‘There are countless studies out there that show that the female orgasm need be no more elusive than the male one. You just need to be relaxed, understand your body and know how to communicate your needs. Have you read Don’t Hold My Head Down by Lucy-Anne Holmes? ’
‘No.’
‘OK, that’s your first bit of homework. I’ve got a copy somewhere; I’ll dig it out for you. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to try dating a woman for a different perspective? I can thoroughly recommend it.’
‘Thanks, but no. You might be pretty much in the middle of the sexuality spectrum, but I’m afraid I’m fairly hardwired to fancy men.’
‘Fair enough. What about self-pleasure?’
‘Liv!’
‘What? How are you supposed to be able to tell someone else what floats your boat if you’ve never put it in the water yourself?’
Even by her standards, this conversation is direct, and I can feel myself blushing furiously. To make matters worse, Liv is obviously enjoying my discomfort as she laughs uproariously.
‘Let me get this straight,’ she says once she’s caught her breath. ‘Laura Spalding spends happy hours writing brutal murders where she describes the patterns of arterial spray almost lovingly, but is afraid of her own vagina?’
‘I’m not afraid of it! I just don’t want to talk to you about it. Can we drop this now?’
This only serves to set her off again.
‘Oh, honey,’ she breathes eventually. ‘Living with you is going to be even more fun than I imagined.’
‘How are you, darling?’ my mother’s voice asks down the phone a couple of days later.
I can’t help noticing that it has that tentative ‘I want to show I care about you but please don’t burst into tears as I’m not sure I know how to handle that’ tone which she’s used fairly consistently since Angus left.
To be fair, I did spend quite a lot of time bursting into tears in the early days, both on the phone and when I visited them, so I can’t really blame her.
‘OK, actually,’ I tell her, making my own voice super-bright to try to reassure her. ‘Moving in with Liv was the right choice, I think.’
‘And how is Olivia?’ Now that she’s reassured herself that I’m not about to dissolve into a soggy mess, her tone has shifted to the slight air of disapproval she always has when Liv is mentioned.
To be fair to her, I know she also finds Liv ‘a bit much’, and Liv’s ever-shifting sexuality evidently baffles her.
‘She’s good,’ I reply. ‘And Meg absolutely adores her.’
‘I hope she isn’t teaching that dog bad habits,’ Mum says sternly.
‘Angus worked so hard to bring her up well, and it would be a shame for all of that to be undone.’ Mum and Dad have had dogs for as long as I can remember, and they’ve always been rigorously trained.
I glance over at the sofa where Meg is happily curled up next to Liv and thank my lucky stars this isn’t a video call.
‘She’s fine, Mum.’
‘And how’s work?’
‘The book is coming along. I’m doing some shifts in Maison Olivia too, which is getting me out of the house.’
‘That’s good. I’m sure you could use the money and you know how we worry about you, cooped up alone all day writing that…
stuff.’ It’s safe to say that neither of my parents are wild about me writing crime novels for a living.
While my mother’s problem is mainly to do with the genre (‘Why can’t you write nice stories about nice people, Laura?
’), my father thinks writing isn’t a ‘proper’ job and I suspect he’d be delighted if I announced I was jacking it in to become a warehouse manager like my brother Michael.
They’ve never asked how much I earn from it, and I’ve never told them, but they’ve always laboured under the misapprehension that I make peanuts and Angus was basically bankrolling me.
It’s frustrating, but I know they love me and just want what they think is best for me, so I generally suck it up like I am today.
‘Anyway, the reason for my call,’ Mum continues, ‘is that we haven’t seen you in forever, darling, and we wondered if you’d like to come to lunch on Sunday.
Michael will be here with Alison and the children, and I’m sure they’d like to see you too.
You can bring Olivia if you like. I’m sure a square meal is the least we can do to thank her for taking you in.
It must have been such a worry for you, without Angus there to pay his share of the rent and bills.
Oh, hang on a minute, your father is saying something. Here, you talk to her, George.’
‘Laura, sweetheart.’ Dad’s voice is also laced with concern. ‘I just wanted to check how things were for you, financially.’
‘I’m fine,’ I tell him.
‘You can always come to me if you need a loan to tide you over. I know how difficult it is for people in your situation to get credit through the normal channels, and I’d hate for you to fall victim to loan sharks or those ghastly payday lenders now that you’re fending for yourself.’
‘What do you mean, “my situation”?’ I ask. This is a new angle from him and, despite knowing his answer is probably going to annoy me, I want to hear it nonetheless.
‘You know what I mean, Laura,’ he tells me, lowering his voice the way he always does when he thinks he’s trying to be tactful. ‘People without a regular income.’
I sigh. ‘I’m not on the breadline, Dad.’
‘That’s good. Very good.’ He knows he’s annoyed me and is now trying to compensate. ‘But your income is far from certain, and I just don’t want you making bad choices if you find yourself in need of a helping hand. Anyway, I’ll give you back to your mother. Remember what I’ve said, won’t you?’
By the time I end the call, having agreed that I’ll go over there for lunch on Sunday and I’ll also consult with Liv to see if she’d like to come, I’m exhausted.
‘You look like you’ve been through the wringer,’ Liv remarks, looking up from her laptop as I settle myself on the sofa.
‘I do love them, but you’d think I was a penniless waster, the way they go on. Anyway, they’ve invited us both to lunch on Sunday if you’d like to come.’
‘Do you want me to come?’
‘It might be nice to have someone there who’s on my side.’
‘You’re a big girl; you can fight your own battles. Why don’t you just tell them you’re actually as rich as Croesus?’
‘Because they think talking about how much you earn is grubby, and the sort of thing that only the nouveau riche would do.’
She thinks for a moment. ‘To be fair, I don’t have a clue how much money my parents have, but that’s because I’ve never really been interested. I’m sure they’d tell me if I asked.’
‘Yes, but your parents are very different from mine.’
She laughs. ‘That’s probably true. I don’t think my parents really have any taboo subjects.
I remember Mum being absolutely fascinated the first time I started dating a girl.
Even though she’d been to an all-girls boarding school, which I know from personal experience are hotbeds of lesbianism, all of that had somehow passed her by.
I think she felt she’d missed out and wanted to live it vicariously through me. ’
‘Weren’t you creeped out? I can’t imagine ever having a discussion with my mother about something like that. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.’
‘That’s because you’re repressed, and your parents probably are too.’
‘No, it’s because your family have absolutely none of the boundaries that most of society would consider normal, trust me.’
‘Then most of society is missing out. Tell me, how did your parents manage “the talk”?’
‘They didn’t,’ I admit. ‘They simply asked whether the school had covered intimate relationships in PHSE. I said yes, and that was the end of it.’
‘See, that’s tragic,’ Liv counters. ‘The stuff they tell you at school might help you not to get pregnant, but it doesn’t teach you about pleasure.
I remember my mum urging me to explore my body, to find out the ways in which it could give me pleasure, both for myself and so I could instruct future lovers on what ticks my boxes.
I think she’d have drawn diagrams if I’d let her. ’
‘Again, not normal. Again, giving me the ick.’
‘You might have a point,’ she agrees after thinking for a moment.
‘Although I think her intentions were good, and I’d certainly want my children to feel free to express their sexuality in the way that they wanted, having your mother practically begging you to masturbate as often as possible is probably unusual. ’
‘It’s very unusual, Liv.’
‘I’d still rather that than what you got. Maybe there’s a middle way. A friend to guide you on your sexual journey rather than a parent, perhaps.’ Her tone is thoughtful, which makes me slightly uneasy.
‘Or you could just do what most people do, and figure it out as you go along. Anyway, we’ve drifted off topic. Are you coming on Sunday?’
‘Absolutely.’ She grins as she turns her attention back to her laptop and my feeling of unease increases. Liv and my parents are a delicate mix at the best of times, and things could go south quite quickly if she decides to make trouble. Maybe this isn’t such a great idea after all.